Thursday, April 18, 2019

No, Don't Get Rid of Your Video Games

The last call Dr. Laura took during the first hour of her Thursday, April 18 2019 show was a husband and wife. Dr. Laura finished the call insisting repeatedly that the husband get rid of his video games, even though that wasn't what the call was about and was mentioned almost in passing.

Rather than repeat myself, I will refer to these previous entries:

Go Watch Your Musicals, Ladies

Some Real Men Play Video Games

Wednesday, April 17, 2019

Women Need to be Romanced

Husbands, how often have you heard that if only you were more sensitive, caring, romantic, did more around the home, and jumped through any number of hoops, your wife would be willing to have sex with you more often? Haven't you heard that women need to be pursued and romanced over the course of the whole day in order to get turned on?

Exhibit A, your Honor: A recent [this entry has been bumped up from April 2018] letter to Dear Abby.

UNWORTHY IN THE MIDWEST wrote:
I am a 17-year-old senior and have been dating the same boy for two years.
High schoolers shouldn't do that. Not exclusively, anyway. Guys, you don't need a girlfriend while you're trying to get educated.
A month ago, he told me he wanted to break up "because he needed some time to figure out what he wanted."
Translation: "I want to figure out if I want to have another girl as my girlfriend, primarily by sticking my penis in her."
I was devastated but agreed. Two weeks later, he told me he was sorry and he loves me.
Translation: "I couldn't get the other girl or she's not as good at sex or sexually compatible with me as you are."
We are back together now, but the weekend after our breakup,
Hours or days after the breakup.
I went to visit a college girlfriend. We went to a party and I ended up having sex with a boy I didn't even know.
Here are the really big questions, men:

How much romancing did that boy do?
How much of her laundry did that boy do?
How much did he prove that he could take care of her, protect her, provide for her?
Did he ever take out the trash?
Did he ever wash the dishes?
Did he ever buy her flowers?
Did he set up a candlelit dinner?
Did he even buy her dinner?
How much money do you think he spent on her?

You get the idea. He didn't do any of that, and yet she did him.

Somehow, she was able to have sex without any of that romance or helping out. And she's not a freak. This is very typical.
I feel guilty and unworthy. What should I do? If I tell my boyfriend, I'm sure I'll lose him for good. If I don't tell him, I'll always worry that he will find out from someone else.
You're 17! Are you going to go to the same college as this boyfriend?

He has a lot to learn if he thinks she wasn't getting some, especially since he was probably getting some or trying really hard to (or had already, when he broke up with her). Guys, expect that within hours after you break up, she's getting some. Come to think of it, you shouldn't assume  or count on her having only been with you while you were a couple anyway.

Surprisingly in this age of "me too", Dear Abby didn't tell the LW she was raped. Even if the age of consent is 16 or 17 where she was (and we don't know it was), she was probably drinking.

Monday, April 15, 2019

Men Should Ask These Questions if They're Considering Marriage

This past Monday, Dr. Laura's opening commentary (and the question posted to her Facebook page) was about questions to ask (and, presumably answer) before marrying. [This was originally posted in December 2015 and I'm bumping it up.]

This inspired me to come up with my own list a man should ask himself if he's thinking about marrying a specific woman. So here they are, in no particular order:

Friday, April 12, 2019

Is Dr. Laura The Only Talk Show Host Who Does This?

Over the last three decades plus, I've listened to a lot of audio talk shows that take calls. I still listen to many.

I have to ask: Is Dr. Laura the only host who either doesn't understand normal over-the-phone dialogues, or does she simply reject the standard etiquette?

Cross talk in such situations is extremely common (as it is with normal phone calls people make to each other). It probably happens on more calls to audio shows than not. There are going to be times a caller starts talking before the host has finished what they were saying (often because it sounded like they were done), or the host will jump in to say something while the caller is still talking and the caller won't notice that the host has started talking. Stuff like that.

Usually, the host or the caller will repeat what they said, or the host will invite the caller to repeat what they said.

That's every show that takes any calls.

Except for the Dr. Laura Show.

She takes it as a personal insult if the caller says anything while she is talking, even if it is just "I agree" or "Right", and she also gets upset if the caller doesn't stop talking the millisecond she cuts in, even if it is the middle of their sentence.

"You can hear me, I know you can hear me!" she'll insist. "You're talking over me!"

She think they're talking over her out of a lack of thoughtfulness or respect. Or, the only other possibility in her thinking is that there are technical problems with the phone lines so that callers aren't hearing her. I feel for the technical personnel who are handling those phones, because every once in a while she'll say on-air that it needs to be taken care of, and if she's saying that on the air, she's probably said it many times during breaks, but not as sweetly. It sounds like nobody has ever sat her down and said that crosstalk, especially on call-in talk shows, is normal.

I've said many, many times on this blog how great her show is and how much I appreciate her. If I didn't listen to every minute of the show, I wouldn't know this stuff about the show. It's a bit sad that she lets this get to her so much. She should listen to a few other shows, especially the kind where things can get heated, and she'll see how common crosstalk is.

Thursday, April 11, 2019

Dialoguing With Marriage Sellers

This happens a lot.

Marriage Pusher: Guys, marriage is great! I'm so happy!!! Married people are happier than singles!!!

Me: Most marriages aren't both lasting and happy.

Marriage Pusher: Marriage isn't supposed to be about your happiness.


Sometimes it's great to have it in writing.




Wednesday, April 10, 2019

A Terse Bottom Line on Marriage

When it is the case that a husband does or will earn more more than his wife (which is the majority of marriages), the only benefit a man gets from marrying that he couldn't get as an unmarried man is at the voluntary generosity of his wife, while women benefit by law. Actually, he could get all of those things at the voluntary generosity of a woman who isn't his wife, too. That voluntarily generosity can be rescinded at any time without legal or financial risk, while a husband can be ordered by a court to keep providing benefits to an ex-wife.

Sunday, April 07, 2019

You Don't Need a Wife

Guys, you don't need a wife.

You might think you do for any number or combination of reasons (you can skip these reasons and go down to how you can have a great life without a wife if you'd like):

1) You're stuck in some mindset that's based on a bygone (if it ever really existed) era. In this mindset, "everyone" gets married, it's shameful or sad if you don't, and husband and wife work as a team with a tidy division of labor, with the wife providing her husband with admiration, respect, support, sex, children, and a "made" home, and the husband providing for the wife income and certain domestic labor, protection, and muscle in raising the children.* You grow old together. Very few marriages are like this anymore. Most women are not prepared to be that kind of wife, and guys don't need to marry to get what they want. The culture in general has changed, more and more people are living more and more of their life outside of marriage, and there's a good chance she'll divorce you no matter what you do.

2) You were socialized to think you did. Whether it was and is your parents, your peers, a religious organization in which you were raised, or the media (especially with the highly unrealistic romcoms), you were told by others that you're supposed to have a wife. But this is your decision to make,  and you are the one who will live with the consequences.

3) You don't have your act together and you think a wife will make up for your shortcomings. Even if she seems to like taking care of things for you now, there's hardly any woman who really, sincerely, wants to be your Mommy and the resentment and backlash will wreak havoc sometime after you sign on that dotted line. You can get your act together and take care of your stuff without being married. See How To Do It below.

4) A woman you're having sex with wants you to marry her. Whether she's your "girlfriend" or "significant other" or "partner" or whatever, she indicates she wants to get married. Of course she does! Getting married has guaranteed benefits for her. But it's a bad deal for you. Don't let her decide what your life is going to be like. If you're just seeing her, the only thing she controls is whether or not she's going to have sex with you. If she moves in, she controls much more of your life, and if you marry her, she'll be almost entirely in control of your life. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, not even by stealth. Once she does, she'll be hinting, suggesting, or outright nagging about getting married, trying to tell you that you might as well get married, or getting married will make things netter. She shouldn't even know where your place is, but if you have her over she should never be allowed to spend the night, receive mail or shipments there, leave things there, etc.

5) A woman you're spending a lot of time with wants you to marry her. See immediately above. You can find friendship and companionship with others, without signing a legal contract that is nothing but trouble for you.

6) You think you need a wife for sex. You can get all the sex you want without being married. Being married actually makes it less likely you'll get all of the sex you want. UNLESS... you live by a moral code that sex is for marriage. And if that's the case, you're not having sex already, right? Right? If you want to START living by that moral code, any woman you're having sex with now isn't the right woman to do that with. If you already are living by that code, think long and hard if wanting sex is worth getting married, keeping in mind that the sex could be bad and could be ended entirely, even if you do "everything" right.

7) You think you need a wife for children. Studies do correlate positive indicators for children with being raised by married parents. As with sex, though, you need to decide if your desire to raise children under the best circumstances for them is worth getting married.

When it comes right down to it, most men can't give a logical,  positive reason why they think they should get married.

So don't do it. Stay unmarried.

How To Do It

Thursday, April 04, 2019

One Flesh Or Not?

Dr. Laura will often tell wives calling in (and thus wives listening to her show) that it's not a big deal for a husband (and father of minor children) to enjoy adult media...

...as long as he's not doing it instead of being with her and the adult media doesn't feature children, small farm animals, men (gay porn), or barely legal adults.

This has to greatly upset the portion of her audience that has bought into the anti-porn panic/hysteria about how it turns brains into mush and turns men into serial killers, or women who consider to be a form of infidelity.

But what about the other end of this spectrum? Dr. Laura, like a lot of other relationship experts, says it's a problem if he's using such media instead of being with his willing wife. This appears to be a presumption that his body and sexuality belong to his wife.

Wednesday, April 03, 2019

One More Reason to Limit Relationships

Here's another reason for men to avoid marriage and keep relationships (with women) limited if even bothering with them at all: The Permanent Record. [This is an entry from a few years ago, bumped up.]

Oh, you may think she subscribed to "forgiveness" or even "forgive and forget". But very few women actually do. All it takes is for them to get angry enough, or be hit with the wrong hormone, and things you thought you'd "worked through" together and put behind you as a couple will come back to haunt you. Since nobody is perfect, some of these things could be actual screw-ups on your part, but others will just be matters of taste or things you were right to do (or not do) that she didn't like. It could even be your tone or how you did something.

I was thinking about this because my wife responded to something I told her that should have been good news with a very cold dismissal of indifference, citing that we had to cancel certain plans she'd been excited about a year ago. Never mind that if we had gone through the plans, we'd have several thousand more dollars in credit card debt now.

It hit me that I'm going to be hearing about this literally for the rest of my life. She's going to bring it up over and over again and let it cloud all sorts of things.

Never mind that I make well above the national median household income. She's expensive, and she herself has said so. I refuse to liquidate our retirement savings to sustain a lifestyle that is beyond our means. I don't want to take more tax hits on income on which I've already been taxed and we need MORE retirement savings, not less. It's bad enough we're not putting more away now.

The fact of the matter is, my current income would be more than enough to provide me with a comfortable life, all the involvement in my hobbies I'd like, and a comfortable retirement. This would be the case even if I never increased my income other than along with inflation.

But it's not just me. It's my wife, our kids, and my wife's brother and his wife.

So think about that the next time someone tells you married men are better off financially.

And let The Permanent Record be another reason NOT to marry. If you insist on being in a relationship, when the record becomes too much to deal with, it is time to move on and clear that space in your life for someone fresh. It'll take time for that new record with a new woman to get bad. And the previous woman won't have to deal with you anymore, so you'll be saving her aggravation, right? The Permanent Record is just one of many reasons to keep relationships casual, rather than forming a legal corporation with a woman.

Sunday, March 31, 2019

June Is Coming

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Why Aren't You Married?

[I'm bumping up this entry because it is as relevant as ever. I noticed that I indicated that things go well in my marriage some of the time. "Well" is a relative term. If you would have described to me the "good" time in my marriage now before I married, I wouldn't have married.]

Even when things are going well in my marriage, I’m not one of those married guys who thinks everyone should be married. Unless someone has a baby on the way, it irritates me when I see someone pressuring someone else to get married.

Whether you are officially on a marriage strike or you have decided marriage is not for you, the fact is that most people will get married at some time in their life, and so many people assume everyone wants to get married. Whether from relatives or coworkers or women who want you to buy them drinks, guys get to hear it over and over again: "Why aren't you married?"

If you are part of Men Going Their Own Way, or you are a marriage striker, or have simply decided marriage is not for you, what works as a good reply to this annoying question? Being married, I don’t use these, of course, but let's look at a few possible replies. Please comment with any good ones you have, too.

Here are six responses, getting progressively more provocative (I keep in mind that casual sex is no loner discouraged in our culture):

Tuesday, March 26, 2019

The Prom Is For Girls and Gays

Here we are again. I'm hearing about The Prom again.

Every year now, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.


Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and now this entry on increasingly showy proposals ("promposals") for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:


1) Boys wasting money.

2) Another event where females are princess-ized, which is a problem as long as males are prevented, culturally/socially and often legally, from events that cater to them and are focused on them in a similar way. Go ahead and tell me... what event gives boys the equivalent of the prom, where the activities are all about things he wants to do, with the boys dressing the way they want to dress, the girls dressing the way the boys want them to dress, the girls paying for it and escorting the boys, and where the boys will go hang out with their friends during the event?

If you already have a date for the prom, break up with her. If you were planning to ask a girl, especially with some elaborate production, don't!


Some of you guys think that taking a girl to the prom means she will have sex with you. If she hasn't had sex with you yet, paying her way and being her display piece for the prom almost certainly will NOT make it happen. If she really is the kind of girl who will finally have sex with you because you took her to the prom, it's probably not worth it. You're far better off going straight to one of the "after parties". But even then, you're just asking for trouble, even more so if she's underage (even if YOU are underage). 

You're better off doing something else that night, even staying home and sleeping. If you're a very bad boy, you might want to track down a neighborhood "single" mom whose daughter is off to the prom that night and it has her (the mom) feeling nostalgic and over the hill. Just be careful or you'll end up a very young father.

Saturday, March 23, 2019

Avoiding Rattlesnakes is Good Sense

I saw a tweet go by from The Good Men Project. The headline was "5 Fears That Keep Us Single". The implication, given the account, was that if men want to be good, they should be in an exclusive relationship. I reject that.

Anyway, as often is the case with these things, the link was to something what was posted months ago, in this case it was posted in November 2017. The article was originally from a matchmaking/dating website, so that tells you right there what some of the problem with it is going to be. What's more is that it was written by a woman.

But I didn't know that when I saw the tweet.

It made me think. What "fears" keep men single? Having a fear isn't necessarily a bad thing. People should fear live rattlesnakes to the point that they stay away from them. Fangs full of poison are usually going to be metaphor instead of fact when it comes to women, but yes, men do have some fears that rightly have them avoid relationships. Here are some:

Thursday, March 21, 2019

Limits

It's hard for me to make long-term plans or plans months in advance. I'm not talking about finances. I have multiple investment/retirement accounts going, although I'd like to save more. I'm talking about making plans to be at certain places at a certain time, whether in a professional capacity or a personal one.

It's not a calendar issue. I maintain calendars for both my professional and person life, the latter share with my wife, thanks to technology.

No, the issues are:

1) Between school, activities for the kids, medical and therapy appointments, and of course my work, it's hard to clear any time without feeling like we'd be taking a big risk or neglecting something.

2) The kids fight each other and their mother, which means spending "extra" hours away from home is risky.

3) My wife's mental problems and those at least one of our kids inherited can make for unpredictable problems, which also is a risk and anxiety-making. My wife also has physical problems that can suddenly, unpredictably, prevent her from driving, meaning she won't be able to drive any of our kids somewhere or pick them up.

And aside from these issues, anything that will take both me and my wife out of town is hindered by:

4) The kids not being able to stay together, and the people who are might, possibly, (separately) take them are 45-60 minutes away (so if school is in session, it's not possible).

5) Multiple pets I very reluctantly allowed us to take on. (I've refrained from writing much about that on this blog, but I probably should.)

I never know when there will be a serious problem. Countless times I've had to stop working and drive home or somewhere else, often an hour away.

Sure, something can happen to anyone, but it is more likely to happen to my family or me than the average person.

Only for very rare occasions can we plan well in advance with a determination that one of us will follow through.

I often feel like I'm treading water and have a long to-do list. I think about things I've wanted to do with my kids or offer for them to do (think things like a particular sport), but I already feel so worn out and exhausted and know I'd need my wife to be able and willing to help facilitate their participation, and I simply can't rely on her.

You might read this and think, You have too much on your plate. Drop something.

I need to work, so that can't go.

I'm not dropping my wife or the kids.

I don't get together with the guys (not in person, anyway). I don't take classes. Other than work, what I do outside the home is run errands and do weekly personal therapy at the demand of my wife. I obviously do blog, but I'd go crazy if I didn't.

There's one thing. It's a personal project that will bring in a very small amount of extra income. But I just can't bring myself to drop it. It doesn't take up much time, and it is very important to me.

Sigh.

Don't marry, guys. Don't marry and do get a vasectomy.