Another Example of a Serial Killer in Training

...or two serial killers. Brought to you by the Associated Press.

A New York City teenager has admitted that she failed to let a kitten out of an oven after a friend put the animal inside and left it to roast to death.

Fluffy is now Crispy.

Authorities say Cherry and a 14-year-old friend ransacked a Bronx apartment before putting the cat in the oven, where it cried and scratched before dying.

And yet there are guys out there whould be stupid enough to intentionally not only marry these gals, but impregnate them.

In-Law Situation - What Is Your Take?

Someone (a wife and mother of more than one child) who shall remain anonymous left me this comment:

Let me get your opinion here: My husband's sister got knocked up and gave the baby up about 2.5 years ago. Six months later, she got married to a fellow (not the baby daddy) and is now pregnant again.

These in-laws would like to [move] to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time. I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

It's not like either one is close to graduation, we're taking years. My husband and I are thinking about having one more child ourselves.

...I'm not wrong here, am I? You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right? Or am I just being stingy and persnickety? I've been changing diapers for about 7 years straight now - I can barely muster up the love to wipe my own kids bums ... and I'm pretty sure I'll be expected to be cheap if not free labor. My time isn't valued. I feel whiny. Sorry...they haven't moved yet and probably can't afford to (unless they were to move in with us for a while), so it's all hypothetical.

What do you think?

I wrote back privately, but I'll share some of my thoughts here...

Ultimately I defer to how these things are settled in your family. I'll give you MY opinion though, even though my opinion should mean squat within the walls of your home.

These in-laws would like to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time.

This MIGHT be okay... IF... you had the time (reading your blog, I think you have enough on your plate) AND they would PAY you for it. So, essentially, it would be a home-based business.

I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sounds to me that he is putting his sister and his charitable feelings - as well as intentioned as they may be - over the needs of his family. "Leave and cleave". His wife and kids should take the higher priority.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

EXACTLY. You have made good choices and should be further burdened by the choices of others. Now, of course family helps each other out and in cases like this family babysits from time to time, but not regularly.

I'm not wrong here, am I?

No, you are not.

You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right?

Yes. Yes. Have I mentioned before that my MIL keeps pressuring my wife to leave our child with her overnight? Have I mentioned my wife has refused to cater to her mother's wishes, even to let her babysit for a few hours during the day, because MIL is an active alcoholic? MIL would stop bitching if my wife simply said, "okay!" But we just can't take the risk.

Tell your husband that you feel for them, but you need to put taking care of him and your children over making it easier for his sister. They have made their choices... and you two have made yours. Aren't there grandparents who could get involved? Childless relatives/friends who would like to have the fun of looking after kids without the ultimate responsibility?

The bottom line for your husband should be that you are his wife. You are the one in his bed. Tell him that you were hoping to have more time and energy to focus on practicing the art of lovemaking, and it will be difficult to do that if you have to take on this unecessary burden.

Family should step in when something unplanned happens... some sort of accident or illness or something that someone did not bring upon themselves. Your SIL's situation in entirely her own doing.

She wrote back, explaining that the other options (other relatives) I mentioned are a no-go and why.

You know how I feel about this. Any more advice???

Parenthood by Proxy

I attended a baby shower over the weekend. These things should NOT be co-ed, but I might have had to go anyway, because it was for my sister-in-law and her husband as they anticipate the arrival of their first child. One couple in attendance brought their two-month-old adorable child. Absolutely precious.

What made me even happier to see this child was that her parents tried so hard for so long to get pregnant this time around, and that was AFTER trying hard to get pregnant, carrying a child to term, and then discovering upon birth that the child had a problem that prevented the baby from living more than a couple of weeks. Very sad.

So seeing them with this healthy baby was great.

Then my heart sank as the mother explained to my MIL that she's going back to work very soon and has found a day orphanage for her two-month-old.

Her husband is a good earner. I'm sure they could make it with her staying at home. Or with him staying at home.

Why try so hard to make a kid and carry that child around for nine moths so that you can see the child essentially only weekends? Grade school will come soon enough. Why not enjoy your child during the infant and toddler years?

I feel like I am missing out when I am away from my child. I'm thankful my wife gets to spend as much time with her as she does, and thankful my wife was willing to have this arrangement.

Why do people allow themselves to believe that hired help is better for their child than they are? Clearly, some new parents choose daycare when they have other realistic options. And most everyone else using daycare who "must" choose it "must" choose it becausae a series of previous choices in which they could have chosen differently.

To all you SAHMs and SAMDs - GOOD FOR YOU!!!

For the Sake of the Kids

Divorce and out-of-wedlock parenting have become so commonplace that it is now shocking heresy to take the position I'm taking. "WENDY" IN WASHINGTON wrote in to Dear Abby:

If someone is in an "unhappy" marriage with kids, is it a good idea or bad thing to wait until the kids are adults before considering divorce?

I tend to agree with Dr. Laura on this – put the kids first. Stick together and behave as though you love the person. Model a peaceful, cooperative home for your children. Don't take any bait to engage in fighting. Who is to say things will not work out in the mean time? Plus, this gives you more power to protect your children and control what kind of home they'll continue to have than if you divorced. You don't want your kids exposed to different honeys your spouse would have in the place if you weren't living together.

The exception, which I shouldn't even need to point out, is when danger is involved. In that case, take the kids and go – preferably to your parents so they kids will have both a male and female role model.

One of the risks in these cases is that the higher earner (in most cases, the husband) will be ensuring that he will be financially obligated to his wife for life. In California, ten years of marriage can obligate a man to pay alimony for life. The "guy solidarity" side of me wonders if it would be possible to legally separate but still live in the home in such situations. I know there are such things as post-nuptial agreements. This is another reason to have a pre-nup in the first place, though I think it is possible for a court to ignore it.

Ultimately for me, the needs of the children take priority, even if that means a guy will have to be paying money to life to some harlot shrew who was nothing but trouble to him for most of their time together. I would like to see the divorce laws changed - but whether they are changed or not, kids still need their parents.

Dear Abby replied:

I have heard from children of dysfunctional couples saying that although their parents didn't fight openly, they could feel the tension between their parents and would have grown up emotionally healthier if their parents had separated.

How do those children know that? It is easy to imagine that your parents wouldn't be fighting with each other and therefore things would be better (not to mention two sets of gifts received for each occasion), but I'm thinking these children didn't think about the possible (and likely) negatives of divorce. Their parents could still be fighting for years after a divorce, using the children as pawns, and exposing their children to unsavory dates.

It would be nice if everyone could by happy and have their ideal marriage. Dealing with a difficult person is not fun, especially when it is day in and day out in your own home. I know. I was once engaged to a woman who had a key to my place and I realized I needed to end it when I would approach my door, realize that she was inside, and be disappointed that she was. But once you choose to become a parent, you have obligations that take precedence over your wants.
Yet another reason to choose your spouse wisely and treat your spouse kindly.

Did You Knock Up Alison Le Anne Ebert?

If so, pal, then I just want to know what the hell you were thinking. Ruben Vives reports on an LATimes.com blog about her alleged wrongdoings.

A 35-year-old Cypress mother of three was arrested for allegedly leaving her two children home alone in a house filled knee-high with trash, bugs and maggots, authorities said today.

Police found the children Tuesday living in "deplorable" conditions, said Sgt. Tom Bruce of the Cypress Police Department.

Oh, come on. How bad could it have been?

"Frozen bugs were inside the refrigerator and the toilets were overflowing with human feces," Bruce said.

Yeah, that's pretty bad. As messy as I ever was, I drew the line at freezing bugs. (Seriously, I was messy in the sense of letting mail and clothes pile up, but I never left food around or let bugs stick around.)

But hey, maybe she was out there working in a desperate attempt to afford better living conditions? Read on...

Their mother, Alison Le Anne Ebert, turned herself in to police, allegedly telling officers she had been smoking marijuana at "some dude's house," was addicted to methamphetamine and felt lazy and depressed.

Sounds like a party. Now why would someone feel lazy and depressed after engaging in those activities?

When officers arrived, they found two girls, ages 9 and 11, inside the home, Bruce said.

The two girls were placed under the care of Orange County Child Protective Services, Bruce said, adding that a third child, a 15-year-old girl who had been staying at a relative's home, also was taken into protective custody.

But come on - was it really that bad there?

City code enforcement officers deemed the house uninhabitable.

Okay, yes, I guess it was really bad.

I'm thinking perhaps the 15-year-old or the relative she was staying with made the tip-off call. If not, I'd like to know why the relative didn't do anything.

Ebert, who earns "two thumbs down", has three kids and there's no mention of a husband, ex-husband, or even a shack up. At least one guy (possibly three guys – or more if she had miscarriages or abortions) not only thought this woman was sex partner material, but didn't take enough precautions to prevent knocking her up.

Okay, so you made some mistakes, guy.

But did you have to leave your kid(s) with her to let them exist in those conditions?

I'm in no way letting her off the hook, but c'mon fellas... let's be a little more careful with our genetic material and our offspring, shall we? I pray to God those kids get the help they need. I would be very interesting in knowing the status of the biodads and whether or not they sought custody or visitation, and how the courts ruled if they did.

I'm sure there will be more about this in tomorrow's paper. Or maybe not. The newsroom is shrinking daily.

What Could Have Been

"If you decide not to choose you still have made a choice." – Neil Peart, "Freewill"

I heard Dr. Laura make a good point on her show recently to a caller who kept questioning herself regarding whether or not she missed out on something because she married young.

Dr. Laura put the questions the caller had to rest: Yes, she did miss out on some things. But that is true of any choice. We have to make choices, and when we do, we unavoidably are choosing to miss out on something else. But often, you have also been able to experience some good things you wouldn't have otherwise.

The woman who married young is thinking that she missed on some things she would have liked, perhaps such things as getting to know other men, spending more time with friends, perhaps getting more education or more career advancement, and traveling. As Dr. Laura pointed out, she likely missed out on some bad things, too – maybe getting dumped by guys who mislead her, STDs, unplanned and unwed pregnancies, etc.

Some would try to convince you that you didn't miss out on anything, but I think Dr. Laura has it right. All of us miss out on some things - good and bad - by the choices we make. You can't take back a choice, either, though you can, in some cases, change the direction in which you are going.

This caller said she had a great husband and was happy with him, so it wasn't her expressing regret over having not married as well as she could have.

That’s something I wanted to write about.

One of the cruel truths (to women, anyway) about our society and human nature is that women "lose value" as they get older and men tend to gain value, at least when it comes to dating, sex, marriage, etc. Clearly, women, like men, tend to gain value with experience as employees, friends, parents, grandparents, leaders, etc. But when it comes to marrying, women do face a pressure in their choices that men do not.

Please do not hate me for writing the truth here, ladies. I'm not one of those guys who only finds 19-year-olds attractive. In my rebellious years, long before my wife came into my life, I fell in love (lust?) with a much older woman while still a teenager, and subsequently dated women significantly older than me as well as dating women around my age and few years younger. Why? Well, that’s another blog entry. But in general, established men who are looking for women – whether merely for sex or for marriage – prefer younger, hotter women. That is the way men are wired. We are visual creatures, and the less sagging, gray hair, blemishes, scarring, wrinkling, etc. there is, the better. (I'm talking in attracting someone to begin with – we know these things are natural for our wives as we grow old together). Women know this, too, which is why some of them don't try as hard to keep up their appearance once they get the guy to sign on the dotted line. Practically speaking, there is the issue of fertility and what the kids will look like. So, women do tend to "lose value" in this area as they get older.

In general, the more money, power, or fame a man has, the more women there are who will accept his invitations, advances, and proposals. Since men tend to get more of these as they age, they tend to "gain value" as they get older. Sure, women like a man sporting a full head of hair, a six pack, and the ability to get erect at any time – but most will choose the "good provider" over the stud when it comes to marriage. The nerds who couldn't get a date in high school, if they play their cards right, will have their endless pick of hot young women long before the 20-year reunion.

So, what does all of this mean? A woman can do very well by marrying young. She runs the risk of not being able to rely on her husband as a "good provider" if she waits until she's in her 30s to marry, unless she is willing to marry a man in his 50s or older. Financially successful 30-something or 40-something men can get 20-something women to marry them. For this reason, a wife in her 30s or older who likes her husband or at least finds him tolerable but wants to live a wealthier life is probably not going to be able to find a wealthier man by divorcing her husband. However, women (like men), tend to make better choices with experience. So it becomes a balancing act in terms of when you have enough experience to make the right decisions vs. who you are attracting.

What will I be teaching my daughter? Don't get serious before age 25. But if she wants to marry and have children, she should be looking for a husband before the turns 30, because it may take a while to find him and it will take a while to make sure he's right for her.

Men face their own pressure in deciding to marry that women do not. With divorce, community property, alimony, child support, child custody, domestic violence, and abortion realities being what they are, a man can literally be placing his life in a woman's hands by marrying her. She can legally have someone kill his children in her womb without so much as telling him. She can easily send him to jail. She can leave him and collect some of his paycheck for the rest of her life, even if she was nothing by a hindrance to his career. She can assault him and get away with it. She can keep him from seeing his kids. She can obligate him to raise her lover's children.

If you are someone who wants to get married, keep these realities in mind as motivation to "choose wisely and treat kindly", as Dr. Laura says. If you think you have found your spouse, then you should be able to answer "YES!" to the following question: Is this the best you'll ever be able to do?

Like I said, men who seek to be husbands and fathers understand that we all get older, and that means his wife will get older. And while his ability to provide will likely increase and her youth will slip away, a wife becomes more and more valuable to her husband as she learns more about fulfilling his needs - as his best friend, his comforter, his partner, and his lover - and establishes a history of doing so. True love trumps lust.

Wary of What She Wears

Dear Abby got a letter from a guy about how his steady dresses. TRYING TO LOOSEN UP IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote:

I have been involved with "Barbie" for about six months. She's everything I ever wanted in a mate. We have a similar sense of humor, and our goals and ambitions are almost identical. Our values match, too

Sounds great, although six months is not long enough to be sure about these things.

except for one: My sense of propriety seems to be a stumbling block.

Abby, Barbie wears sheer tops and no bra. She doesn't usually wear any undergarments, either, even when she's in a fairly short skirt.

Hey, I'm an admirer of the female form, but this would be way too much for me.

Barbie says I've got hang-ups, and I don't necessarily disagree. How can I deal with this?

There's a reason she’s dressing like that. Either she is trying to tempt you (unless, of course, you are already fornicating) or she is trying to get lustful attention from other guys. Either way, it is a bad sign. She could be insecure.

Dear Abby responded:

If she cares about you, she will compromise. That's how you "deal with it."

Actually, if she cares about being with him more than she wants to show herself off, she will compromise. Note that she attracted him while dressing like this. It wasn't enough of a problem for him to prevent him from asking her out on date after date.

I don't think people dating each other should "control" each other. He can stop going out with her, and can explain why. It is up to her if she wants to change or not.

Legally, I think women (and men, for that matter) should have significant freedom in how they dress in public. But just because a woman can dress a certain way doesn't mean she should. And while it is up to a man to discipline his thoughts, it is that much harder to do so when a woman's "goodies" are right there in our face.

Ladies, when you are dating, there's nothing wrong with wearing something that flatters your figure (I'm a sucker for tight jeans) – but that doesn't mean actually displaying your flesh so that everyone can see if the carpet matches the drapes (or if there are hardwood floors) or the coloring of your areola.

Later, being married with kids does make it harder to "dress sexy", but you shouldn't give it up entirely, either. Just don't mislead people into thinking you are advertising for a husband when you already have one.

Ripe Melons

Inspired by my own comments in an earlier post, and comments written by someone else on this other blog I regularly read, I'm taking this moment to write about something that makes me happy... something I like... something I enjoy...

BOOBS!

I've offered this disclaimer before and I'm offering it again: I'm talking about sex, what I find to be sexy, turn-ons, etc. If this is a problem for you, skip this entry. I'm a happily married man, so if I get all hot and bothered, I can find a satisfying resolution without engaging in sin. I know not everyone is in the same situation.

On with the show.

Ladies, treating you in a way that makes you feel special often involves a lot of planning, shopping, spending, and talking on the part of your man. Gifts, flowers, cards, sweets, jewelry, spa treatments, dinner at a table service fine dining establishment... stuff like that.

Conversely, you can make your man feel special by simply thrusting your naked breasts into his face.

Am I a boob man? I wouldn't say that. I love every bit of a woman's body – particularly my wife's. But I would be lying if I denied that my wife's ample boobs, hidden as they were in a bra and top, didn't help attract me to her. I also noticed her small waist and bare midriff, her beautiful smile, long hair, etc.

My wife does have breasts on the larger side of the scale.

But women with small breasts can be extremely attractive, too. Men have varying tastes. Yeah, bigger breasts get more attention because... well, something that is there gets more attention than something that isn't.

Some men prefer smaller natural breasts over larger breasts with implants in them. Yet almost all of these men will still like their wife's breasts if they do have implants because they were reconstructed after a cancer battle or some accident – because for husbands, it is more about the woman sporting the breasts, not the flesh itself.

Ladies - if you are a wife, do not hide those beautiful marvels of nature (or, modern medicine) from your hubby. You may not consider them anything special, but he likely does. So what if they don't look like those of an enhanced 19-year-old bikini model, who has never breast fed, in a retouched photo with professional lighting and makeup? Thrust them out proudly – with confidence and playfulness. Cup them. Run your hands over them. Place his hands on them and move his hands over them. Stick a nipple in his mouth.

Let him revel in your splendor.

If you get pleasant physical sensations from any of this (women apparently have different levels of sensitivity in their breasts), let him know how good it feels. If it is just like touching any other part of your body... well, know that he likes it even it you'd feel the same if he was kissing your forearm.

If they have any size to them, they can also be used to stimulate his penis, including to the point of orgasm. The easiest way is pushing them together around his lubricated organ and going from there - varying from you being the passive person or the active mover. Extra points if you can manage to involve your mouth into this maneuver.

I've long appreciated and admired breasts. It probably started when I was breastfed as an infant. I have a vague memory of being breastfed as one of my earliest memories. I will forever be notorious in my family for an incident recorded on audio tape of me describing a drawing I had made of my mother earlier that day in pre-school. "These are her eyes, this is her mouth, these are her boobies..."

"Very observant little boy," my father can be heard noting.

Yes, males of all ages stare at boobs. A lot of us haven't developed the skill of averting our gaze for politeness, purity, or any other good reason, such as avoiding walking into a wall. Of course I notice if a woman has a nice set, but I try to focus on my wife, and her nice set even if she isn't with me at the moment. Heck, I've always been a little shy anyway, so I've never been the type to gawk or leer at another live person (that is, unless we're talking about my wife, or one of the women with whom I was fornicating in my rebellious bachelor years), and I've never seen a stripper or topless dancer perform in person, even rejecting attempts to take me to a "club" on the night of my bachelor party.

I do like the sight of breasts, though.

Boys, like men, are visual creatures. From what I can tell, my pre-pubescent and pubescent quest to find the pleasantly revealing sight of a good pair - such as those in bikini tops, or bras - was not unusual. Finding a depiction of actual nakedness was a rare treat. This involved media such as television, film, and print (no Interwebs back then), artwork, swimming, and beachgoing. (Note that this is how a lot of boys find porn in the home.) This was a matter I tried to hide, or do surreptitiously, certainly with a bit of shame and my conscience weighing on me. I had the idea that I wasn't supposed to see naked breasts or stare at them even if they were somewhat covered, even though this was precisely how so much entertainment or advertising was designed, or how some women intentionally dressed. Ah, so confusing for a growing boy, especially before I knew what masturbation was.

Well, I'm a husband now, and it isn't a sin to enjoy what God gave my wife. Good ol' Solomon even has passages in the Bible encouraging me to enjoy them. Even when we are clothed, I like embracing her from behind and lifting them in my hands, kissing her on her neck, maybe getting a glimpse of her cleavage from over her shoulder.

And wives, it isn't a sin for your husband to enjoy what God or one of his helpers (plastic surgeon) has given you.

So put your body to good, clean, fun use, and on't hide your breasts during lovemaking, or neglect the ways they can be used to enhance lovemaking.

Isn't it great that they can feed your babies and make your husband happy? Wonderful things.

Ringing Up a Problem

Here's another woman upset about getting jewelry. FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA is "deeply hurt" - she wrote:

My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years.

That's a bit of a long time for someone who is looking to get married.

He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Well, it is how he has retained wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Hmmm. Doesn't sound so frugal to me. But notice that vehicles are functional items that deteriorate over time – such as with mechanical failures that can weaken their level of safety - in ways that jewelry does not. So, he could have had practical reasons for buying new vehicles.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring?

Feelings are one thing, but you are wrong to think you are only worth any ring, no matter how big or new.

This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever.

Really? That's the most precious gift he could give you – the ring, and not what it symbolizes?

When a woman's man wants to buy her a piece of jewelry, I can't think of many instances where she should complain about that. If she were to buy him tickets to the big game, he should not complain if they aren't the best, most expensive seats in the venue.

Dear Abby responded:

There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings.

It is a waste if he can get the right ring used.

Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store?

There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Used does not always mean something will be in bad shape.

She knows he is frugal. Is she going to feel this way about gifts, vacation, dinners, etc. throughout their marriage? Maybe they aren't right for each other. If it is really that important to her, she can find a man who will enthusiastically shell out top dollar for a brand new ring.

I had my wife's ring made to order. She gave me very loose guidelines about what she preferred – she did not go shopping with me. She tells me all of the time that she loves it, and she tells me that even after finding the documents (she insisted on organizing my files) showing I had paid about one-third the retail value of the ring, because I bought it wholesale. She is happy I saved money on the ring. But we are talking about a woman who found a beautiful wedding dress for an unheard of low price and was happy to save the money, wore the dress proudly, and told people how inexpensive it was.

Dear Abby Right on Pre-Nups

In response to a question from JUST WONDERING IN WISCONSIN, Dear Abby wrote something with which I completely agree. Her entire response was right:

A prenuptial agreement is supposed to protect the interests of both parties. At the same time that it protects your fiance's assets, it should lay out what provisions will be made for you in the event that the marriage doesn't work out. Because your attorney will be representing only you, you should be the person compensating him (or her) for services rendered.

Too bad that last part isn't applied to divorce, where too often one spouse (usually the man) has to pay for both attorneys.

And honey, this is not the time to cheap out.

Words to heed. You want a very good pre-nup. For example, if you both agree you are going to stay home and raise the kids, you should try to set it up that should he file for divorce or otherwise abandon you, that you get to keep the home intact and will be compensated well enough to raise the kids. I have no idea if a state like California allows you to write in "fault" provisions, but it would be great if those would stick.

I am in favor of pre-nuptial agreements, even if neither intended spouse has much in the way of material assets. After all, things change and either or both could end up earning quite a bit more than they were earning at the time of the wedding. And what about intellectual property? If one is a writer or artist or inventor and comes up with something with no input from the spouse, why should the spouse end up with half ownership, even if he or she leaves?

Some say pre-nups are planning to fail, or that they are unromantic or show a lack of trust.

The counter argument is that marriage is not just between the husband and wife and God. The state gets involved. And the fact is, the state already has a pre-nup for you, via the laws of the state. Why let the state decide for you, when you can decide – somewhat – for yourself? The car insurance analogy I have found helpful – that you don't plan on getting into a crash, but you buy insurance that covers crashes in case you do. The analogy does break down a bit, though, when you consider that you don't pick the other drivers on the roads, but you do pick your spouse.

Still, with the high divorce rate and the laws being what they are, and with the lawyers having financial incentives to drag out divorces and make them as contentious as possible, a pre-nup is a must these days.

If someone is dealing with a potential spouse who gets insulted at the thought of a pre-nup because "it shouldn't be about money" or something along those lines, they should counter with "You’re right - and this will guarantee that our marriage isn't about money." Guys, a woman who truly plans on being a good wife and getting married for life has nothing to fear from a pre-nup that you'll come up with together, with your own lawyers. If she won't do it, don't marry her. It is that simple.

I would advise not setting a marriage date until a pre-nup is finalized. It can even be used in planning the wedding, such as how much money will be spent on what and by whom. It should be part of the process that ensures that there are no secrets being kept from either spouse about financial status, credit history and scores, obligations, judgments, etc. and part of overall financial planning they should do together.

Bank Robber Thwarted Mid-Robbery

I love feel-good news stories in which some "ordinary" person rescues someone else, or in this case, when a crime in progress is thwarted by civilians. Alejandra Molina reports in the Orange County Register on a retired female police officer's involvement in taking down a robbery suspect.

The suspected robber – who weighs about 220 pounds and is more than 6 feet tall – was wearing a black and white jogging suit when he approached a teller at about 12:30 p.m. Saturday at the Bank of America inside the Albertsons at 25872 Muirlands Blvd. in Mission Viejo, according to the Orange County Sheriff's Department.

Authorities identified the man as Tony Baik Fennell, 52, of Las Vegas, who is now believed to have been involved in at least eight bank robberies from Norco to Utah, at least two of them in Orange County. He was not armed nor was [Cynthia] Orel, [53 years of age].

Orel, at 128 pounds, said she heard the bank manager yell that they were being robbed.

How about that, ladies? Having your weight and age printed in the newspaper and online? She's actually a good looking lady.

Once she heard he had a gun, she jumped in to assist a customer grabbing Fennell's left hand - trying to get a hold of him.

Orel tried to grab on to the suspect's other hand, she said. She then went around the suspect as the customer held him and got pushed on to a bench on display. She got him from behind. They ended up against a wall with her arm around his neck. Orel said she took him down in a head lock type of restraint.

"This was a team deal - hands down," she said.

Once Orel had Fennell in carotid restraint she remembers telling the suspect. "You're done. You're caught. You're here. Relax, you're not going anywhere."

I wonder how he felt with an unarmed woman telling him that? "Uh, is it too late to find a new way to get income?"

Go to the paper's website for the whole story and pictures. Congrats to everyone who took this guy down.

Four Children and Twenty Years Later

This Dear Abby installment was titled "Woman Hides Her Body And Feelings From Her Husband". HIDING IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

I am 43, the mother of four children and just celebrated my 20th anniversary. Is it normal for someone to be married all this time and still not want your husband to see you naked?

Normal? I don't know. But unfortunately, it isn't unheard of.

I do not reveal myself to him. The lights must always be off, and I keep a shirt on.

This is not good. Men generally are visual creatures. We like looking at the female body. This is especially true when it comes to our wife.

No, your body isn’t perfect. Every day, you get older. Let's assume you are dumpy – though women, unless they are "large and in charge" types, do tend to be harder on themselves than everyone else. But you know what? We don't care that you aren't perfect. We want you. We need you. For us, it is like pizza... a "bad" one is better than nothing. Getting to see you naked and up close is one of the best elements of lovemaking - whether or not you look like a centerfold.

Don't hide!

So far, the situation doesn't sound unusual. Ah, but here's the twist:

It's not because I am ashamed of my body; it's that I'm not attracted to him. I never was.

I married my husband for security and have learned to love him.

Actually, that's how probably a majority of marriages all throughout history came about. Just think of arranged marriages. However, you chose to marry him, and now you can force him to provide "security" by law, though you can't be forced to hold up your end of the bargain. Convenient.

But I love him like a brother, in a sisterly kind of way. I feel I owe him.

You do owe him.

Should I tell my husband how I feel and risk losing my security after all this time?

No, but not because of your security. Because of your duty to him. If you want out, and you don't mind being a vow-breaker, and any minor children you have are grown – go for it. Please resist the greedy divorce lawyer imploring you to eviscerate the poor guy, though. Keep in mind that you are older than you were when you married, and if you're counting on finding another husband, your options likely won't be as good as they used to be. But if life with him isn't problematic, stay, don't say anything about this, and act with all of your might as though you are attracted to him.

I had to talk to someone, so I confided in my best friend.

Well that’s a nice violation of intimacy.

She advised me to say nothing.

She's smart. She should have also told you not to violate you intimacy.

My husband had an affair a few years ago, and frankly, I was secretly relieved.

So he probably knows that something is up. But he stuck with you, though he did break his vows.

Sometimes I wish he was still with her.

This is an example of how we really don't know what is going on for sure when we see someone stepping out on their spouse. Yes, we know that person is breaking their vows, but maybe their spouse already broke them, or is supporting of the affair.

Dear Abby responded:

My advice is to talk to your husband about making another kind of arrangement -- one in which he supports the children and possibly makes some kind of settlement with you, while you both pursue your separate lives.

No. Listen to your friend, not Dear Abby.

Two Great Places to Eat

Reuters has positive news about breastfeeding.

Breastfed babies seem more likely to do well at high school and to go on to attend college than infants raised on a bottle, according to a new U.S. study.

Makes me want to go back to college just to have an excuse.

Professors Joseph Sabia from the American University and Daniel Rees from the University of Colorado Denver based their research on 126 children from 59 families, comparing siblings who were breastfed as infants to others who were not.
By comparing siblings, the study was able to account for the influence of a variety of difficult-to-measure factors such as maternal intelligence and the quality of the home environment.

That's important, because mere correlation doesn't establish causation. Without this information, it would be reasonable say, "Perhaps the kind of parents who will help their kids do will in school are also the kind that would breastfeed."

The study, published in the Journal of Human Capital, found that an additional month of breastfeeding was associated with an increase in high school grade point averages of 0.019 points and an increase in the probability of college attendance of 0.014.

Hmmm. Isn't that a little small?

"But this is just a start. Much work remains to be done to establish a definitive causal link."

Translation: "Gimme more $$$ for research!" I'm not saying they shouldn't get that money. It could be very worthwhile. Or, maybe we're already at the point where all the mothers who can be persuaded to breastfeed are already breastfeeding.

I'm vaguely aware that there is a huge controversy over this subject. Mothers who can't breastfeed, for whatever reason, feel like they are being attacked when they see articles like this. Some studies (perhaps even some not funded by formula manufacturers) say that it doesn't make a difference, or that formula is actually better. There are products (and thus commercial interests) catering to both ways of feeding infants.

My wife is convinced that it does make a difference, and she has shown high levels of dedication to breastfeeding. I'm sure a lot of other women would have given up if they had been in her shoes (or bra).

I was breastfed. I'm convinced it explains a lot about be, aside from academics.

One of the things I say to my children as they are in the womb is, "There are two great places to eat out here!" Hence the title of this entry.

Teen Arrested in Cat Mutilations

This is how serial killers start.

And recently, it came to light that a celebrity was also going to be mutilating a kitty.

She Wants to Climb the Ladder, He Doesn't

Dear Abby got a letter for a "high school sweetheart" who is questioning her relationship. GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS wrote:

I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years.

This is generally not good. I mean, it had a better chance of working 75 years ago and out in small town farm country. But today, unless you are raised and staying in a very structured, homogenous, and independent community, the odds are that this isn't going to last. Likely, both of these people have stunted their growth for sake of staying close to each other.

I can see myself with him for the rest of my life,

Of course you can, because you've never known anything else.

but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

Okay, well, can't you have a career without him wanting is own? That is why it would be your career.

I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Yeah? And? Although it is not explicitly included in her letter, the subtext here is, "Shouldn't my guy always earn more money than me, or at least be like me in ambition?" Most women marry a man who earns more than they do. Notice that he supports her goals – so he supposedly will respect her career.

Nowhere in the letter does say she wants to be a "stay-at-home" mother, in which case she would have a legitimate concern about how the family would pay bills.

Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him?

Why do you have to lower your dreams to be with him just because he doesn't have the same level of career ambition? Actually, for both men and women, it is easier to climb the career ladder these days if they are unmarried and childless, so that they can put in long hours, network, relocate as needed, and travel. But if he doesn't have his own career ambitions, then he should be more willin to relocate with you.

Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me?

Well, yes, he does. He has himself. But if you're supporting him financially, no wonder he is supportive of your career ambitions.

Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect.

You can probably find a career-driven guy with whom you can also have a "perfect" relationship. If you do reach your career goals, you will be in a place to meet more potential prospects.

Dear Abby responded:

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his.

Exactly!

This woman has no experience with a relationship that began when she was an adult. She doesn't have much to compare. She may be happy, which is fine. But perhaps she could be a lot happier. Now, that is no reason to end a relationship... if you are happy and things are right, don't obsess over whether or not there is greener grass out there. But I would not advise my own child to get so serious with someone as a teenager, or to fall into the trap of thinking that a dating relationship is supposed to last as long as both people are sexually attracted to each other, or haven't committed some huge wrong against each other.

There are billions of people out there to choose from. (Even more billions if you are bisexual!)