Wednesday, August 16, 2017

You Can't Argue With Crazy

I previously wrote this about why health matters in relationships.

Among the various  health issues my wife deals with is mental illness. I'm aware that mental illness can range from controlled and relatively mild to completely debilitating. It can also range from "everything is fine right now" to "I'm going to try to kill myself". One of the problems is, there isn't always a way to know when things have shifted until the person is dead or you have to act to prevent them from killing themselves.

Recently my wife and I had a disagreement, and in my frustration, when the children weren't there to hear, I yelled about how I think one of the kids is getting unfairly neglected.

Whenever I yell, everything is diverted. We're no longer going to address what the disagreement is, it is going to be about how terrible I am for yelling. My wife and one of our kids are both extremely good at diverting, although they usually use different tactics. My wife's blanket defense is usually invisible health problems. Yes, she has real health problems. That I can't see how they are limiting her at the moment makes it harder for me to best handle situations. She can cite these problems whether or not they are actually interfering at the moment.

Between her health problems and focusing on my tone or volume of voice, she's always able to avoid changing her behavior. It is always about how I need to change my behavior. So, I end up being worse off having communicated my disagreement or desire, and it is better for me not to have said anything at all. I've been a slow learner when it comes to this.

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

I'm Not Better Off From Marrying

Over and over again, men are told that marriage is good for men (by people who should admit they have ulterior motives). I maintain that more often than not, it is NOT good for a breadwinning man who has his act together. Most marriages are failures. While individual wives, through their voluntary decisions, can make a man’s life better, that is a minority and is despite, not because of, the general culture as well as family laws and courts; she can do these things without a state marriage license. Plus, you can’t be sure she actually will be net positive in a man’s life until everything has been said and done, but that man can tell if he’s living a miserable life at any given moment.

Recently I considered my own situation.

Am I better off because I’m married?

Tuesday, August 08, 2017

Yet Another Lament That Men Don't Want to Marry

Quite often, has some great content spanning "conservative" viewpoints from center-right to libertarian to whatever. Recently, they ran another column lamenting that men don't want to emasculate themselves by marrying. That's not how they put it, but that's basically what it amounts to. This time Jerry Newcombe wrote the piece:

I attended an unusual wedding this past weekend.
You attended a party. What you usually don't see are the pointless and not-so-pointless arguments and all of the bad things that result from a man and woman living together in a Mexican standoff with the state.
Ben Steverman notes in the Drudge-linked article: “The U.S. marriage rate—the number of new marriages per 1,000 people—has been falling for decades….And research firm IbisWorld predicts the marriage rate will keep falling over the next five years.”
Although I wish this was mostly from men refusing to sacrifice themselves on the altar of ungrateful narcissistic gynocentrism, most of it is likely a mere delay. People are getting married later because... they can and they should (if they're going to marry at all). People who are busy trying to get a college degree and/or trying to establish themselves in a career aren't in a good place to be a good spouse.
He adds, “It’s unclear whether the decline of the American wedding is a permanent trend. American millennials lag previous generations on many metrics of adulthood…Maybe most of them will eventually get around to weddings of their own—but then, it’s possible that many never will, and that they’ll bring the U.S. marriage rate closer to Europe’s.”
Metrics of adulthood... so the Pope isn't an adult? People should establish themselves as independent adults. They don't have to marry to do that.
It would be disastrous for this country if we went the route of Europe in being a post-marriage society. The old cliché is still true: As the family goes, so goes society.
Even if I agree, I can't encourage men to enter into such a raw deal. Want more men to marry? Work to stop punishing husbands in law, courts, and culture. Raise women who will be the kind of women who will attract and keep a husband.
What’s happened to marriage in America?
We took away incentives for men to marry, and added risks and obligations to husbands. Men have been slow to catch on, but more and more are.
Hollywood has turned monogamy into monotony.
It wasn't Hollywood that did that. Women who are trying to get a man to sign on the dotted line are often quite different sexually than a woman who has a man trapped.
The irony is that surveys show that those who are married tend to enjoy everything on a much more fulfilling basis. And that includes intimacy.
The surveys are flawed. If a survey doesn't distinguish intentionally unmarried men from the rest of unmarried people, and compare them against married men, it is worthless survey. It's also worthless if there wasn't at least some confidence in being anonymous.

Let's deal with a couple of facts. When you combine:
...marriages that divorce
...marriages that don't legally divorce but more or less end before death with emotional, physical and/or legal separation
...marriages that end with suicide or murder-suicide
...marriages that have significant periods of misery related to or based on these two people being legally/socially tied together and/or living together

Then MOST marriages are not happy, lasting marriages. MOST. Does it make sense to you rearrange your entire life and to wager half of your wealth on something that is more likely to fail than succeed?
“Living in sin” (as cohabiting used to be called) has lost its stigma—but most such couples don’t seem to realize that, statistically, living in sin prepares you for divorce more than it does for a happy marriage.
Yes, but why is that? I used to blindly buy into the idea that they had doomed their marriage by shacking up, and I maintain that shacking up is a a terrible idea (almost as bad as legally marrying). But the reality of the situation isn't so simple. Among the reasons is that some people who shack up should never have married in the first place, but they do because they're already living together. They marry because they think it will fix things, because we keep saying that marriage is some sort of magic tonic, or the woman is told that if the relationship doesn't end in marriage, she's been "used" or "wasted her time" even though she was getting something out of the relationship the entire time. It is also likely that the kind of people who shack up are more willing to leave a bad marriage than spend the rest of their lives being miserable in it. There are other reasons, but the one that fits with what this guy and others like him are saying is that, in some cases, people establish patterns in shacking up as unmarried individuals that carry over into the marriage, where they are supposed to be united, to the detriment of the marriage.
Although millions profess Christian belief, too many compartmentalize their lives and fail to live by Christian standards, i.e., no sex outside of traditional marriage.
I really have to wonder where exactly this comes from. What, precisely, does he mean by sex? Words or phrases translated "sexual immorality" in our English Bibles are not clear enough, obviously, because some people say it includes making kissing off-limits. Intercourse was more of a problem before there was contraception and before there were DNA tests. The Old Testament seems to be focused on intercourse. I know what churches have taught, but how much of it is explicitly taught in the Bible? I'm not arguing that PIV is the only thing the Bible teaches against or that everything else is OK. Clearly, giving each other orgasms causes people (especially women) to bond, and that is problematic if you shouldn't be with the person to whom you're bonding. But I really don't think the Bible is as clear as so many of my fellow religious conservatives would think.
Government tax policies, especially in the example of welfare, have subsidized single parenthood, thus, breaking the back of the urban family.
Yeah, that should be stopped.
Instead of actually helping the poor, welfare has ensured their long-lasting misery—because the family is the key to upward mobility.
Not for men. Really. In today's employment market, men need to be able to work long and odd hours, extra days, move, jump from one employer to the next, go on business trips, and network in mixed company unencumbered by a wife and kids who require stability and limiting interaction with women who are now ubiquitous in every strata of the workplace. A man who doesn't have a wife and kids to support can save, insure, and invest in a way that will increase his wealth far more than his married-with-kids counterpart.
Traditional marriage is good for individuals all the way around. Numerous studies show it’s good for your spiritual health, your mental health, your physical health, and your fiscal health.
Again, those studies are flawed. Personally, I attended and focused effectively in church services and Bible studies far more often as an unmarried, child-free man. I did personal Bible study far more, too. Now, I'm busy being a butler, medical advocate, and prison warden.
Many today think marriage is unnecessary.
It is. Someone can have a fulfilling and full life a productive, independent adult. Most of us aren't living on isolated farms anymore.
They think marriage is misery, and singleness is bliss.
It certainly can be. In singleness, someone has far more control over their life.
Perhaps one of the biggest myths of all about marriage is that feelings are all that matter.
Of course feelings aren't all that matter. Freedom matters. Finances matter. Peace of mind matters. Self-determination matters.  And that's why most men shouldn't marry.

He then retreads the flawed correlations between marriage and positive indicators, implying that it is the duty of individuals to sacrifice themselves so society will be better off. Sorry, but the social climate has changed. Men do not have the same power and influence as husbands and fathers as they used to.
The couple wed in the cow patch said a mixture of traditional vows along with some interesting twists...
And how many of the people attending had always made vows to love, honor, and cherish until death, but haven't???

Let women and bicycle-less fish enjoy themselves. Don't marry them, guys. Take care of yourself, become independent and secure, and find worthy causes for your time and money. Don't tie yourself to an irrational creature with the imposition of the state into your relationship.

Monday, August 07, 2017

Why Men Send Unsolicited Crotch Shots

There are two basic reasons men send unsolicited crotch shots, or "d--- pics".

1) Exhibitionism has long been a thing. The stereotype used to be of the guy wearing the hat and coat flashing women in a park. Now it can be done with a smart phone.

2) Much more more commonly, the "average Joe" (whether he is average down there or not) does it because he has accepted the ridiculous notion that men and women are not different.

It's quite simple, really:

Most heterosexual men would be somewhat aroused by receiving an image of a woman's genitals, even unsolicited, even if he doesn't know her, even more so if he had reason to believe it was an image of the woman who is in contact with him, and she intentionally sent it to him. (We're not talking about injured or diseased genitals, although a few guys probably have a fetish that covers that.)

As these guys would want a woman to send her a picture of her genitals, they reason that since women and men are pretty much the same except for certain exterior body parts, she's like to want to see his genitals as much has he wants to see hers.

A lot of women can't believe men think this is a good way to attract or arouse women. "Don't these men know the truth?" No, they don't, because they've been told over and over again that women are just like men, including when it comes to sex.

But the truth is out there. Extremely, and I mean extremely rare is the woman who likes getting unsolicited crotch shots from men. Heck, most women don't want crotch shots from men they're in love with, and the ones who do are more about liking that they have, according to the picture, aroused a man they care about.

Guys, she's either disgusted or she's laughing at it, and, often, sharing it with her friends so they can make fun of you.

Men and women ARE different, and it isn't just a matter of socialization. Do you think society has socialized men to want to see the genitals of other men? No, but gay males tends have the same reaction to unsolicited crotch shots of men as heterosexual males have when it comes to those of women.

Thursday, August 03, 2017

To What Should Males Aspire?

I recently heard Dennis Prager ask to what men would aspire if not marriage and raising a family. He's repeatedly said that guys are not real men if they aren't husbands and fathers. This is something heard from various corners of our culture, along with other assertion of what makes a guy a "real man".

Notice you never hear what makes a real woman. You never hear "What a real woman does, is..."

What is a guy if he isn't a real man? An artificial man? A transgender man? Of course, that's not what people are talking about. They are saying a "real man" as opposed to a man who is somehow lacking, or, as they might say, a "boy". There's nothing wrong with boys, at least not beyond the general thing of humans being fallen creatures. Again, you don't hear this with women. Women will refer to each other and themselves as girls and nothing negative is meant by it.

A real man is any adult human male who isn't fictional. For example, Prince Charming is fictional. Christian Grey is fictional. Jack Sparrow is fictional.

If there was such thing as a "real man" as opposed to an adult male who isn't a real man, that real man wouldn't give a piece of dung what other people say makes a real man. because when someone says, "What a real man does, is...",  what they're saying is "What I like men to do is..." Because real men urinate unless they have kidney problems, real man have weaknesses, and real men mess things up sometimes. But you'll never hear "What a real man does is urinate." But it's true.

Getting back to Prager's question...

Monday, July 31, 2017

Hold Those Hormones

I'm a follower of Christ, and I generally fall in line with the positions held by "conservative Christians" or "the Religious Right" (with a libertarian lean when it comes to government involvement), with a few notable exceptions, such as discouraging rather than encouraging men to legally marry, and not thinking that watching pixels of nude women and people appearing to have sex turns people into serial killers. I'm very familiar with the positions and reasoning used in these circles.

That brings me to something I find a bit frustrating, but I have to paint a detailed picture to explain it.

Here is a composite list of rules, based on what you can find in media featuring prominent leaders of this sort:

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Explain What You Mean in Telling a Husband to Man Up

I've posed this question before, directed at Dr. Laura, but a lot of people tell a husband to "man up" or "grow a pair" or "use your balls" or something similar in dealing with his wife, usually when there is a disagreement or the wife is behaving in some way that is immoral, irrational, unfair, or destructive. I'd very much like to know what someone who says such a thing means by it. What do you they expect the husband to actually do?

He can assert his opinion or demand. His wife can easily ignore or dismiss it.

Then what?

He can't force her to comply, and even if he can physically take unilateral action, she can use the force of law to stop him. He can't withhold his earnings from her (at least in Dr. Laura's scenario, a first marriage wouldn't have a prenup keeping finances separate). Anything he refuses to do for her, she can pay someone else to do using his earnings.

Even if he's willing to go without sex or her doing anything at all for him, a breadwinning man who is married and living with his wife has, by law and public policy, ceded his authority to her. As I've said before, that sounds profoundly unsexy, but it is the practical reality. That's the world we've created (and may be one reason why women grow dissatisfied with their marriage.)

With full support of the law, his wife can:

1) Beat him and have him arrested and kicked out of his own house, for which he'll still be obligated to pay.

2) Get pregnant by another man and compel her husband to pay "child support" for that child for 18-25 years.

3) Spend all of his money, get him into debt, and ruin his credit.

4) Divorce him, compelling him to pay for two legal teams, taking more than half of everything he's ever earned, and compelling him to make monthly payments to her for the rest of his life (at least in places like California, where I live and were Dr. Laura lives.)

5) Take his children away from him.

6) Have his child dismembered before that child is born.

7) Take or simply send his minor daughter to get contraception, abortifacients, or abortions.

Women are fully empowered to do those things, and even encouraged to do so by our culture. No amount of standing up straight, sticking out his chest, and using his deepest voice gives a man the ability to stop these things. If he uses physical force to try to stop any of this, he violates the law and can be imprisoned or shot to death by law enforcement.

Husbands used to have control in a marriage because if there was a disagreement, the wife's ultimate options were to:

1) Use her feminine wiles to get him to see things her way.

2) Shut up and defer to him as head of the home.

3) Be divorced or threatened with divorce, which would bring shame and quite possibly destitution.

4) Be beaten into submission or threatened with it.

You know, like how it still is in some parts of the world I don't even need to spell out? I doubt Dr. Laura or any semi-sane Western woman wants to regress to that.

Yes, in an ideal world, if as husband were to assert himself in the cases in which Dr. Laura and others tell them to "man up", his wife would fall right in line and find it incredibly sexy that he took charge. Unfortunately, a lot of wives these days won't do that, and when a man marries, he's ultimately ceded power. Paradoxically, so many people tell men to "man up" by getting married, when doing so in this present culture is thoroughly emasculating. Yes, some women do defer to their husbands, but doing so is entirely voluntary. She has to have the power before she can delegate it, and she does have the power.

It seems the most effective way to "man up" and stay within the law is to join the marriage strike. In doing so, a man retains decision-making authority and some power to back up his decisions.

Most of this entry also applies when Christians tell husbands to be the leader of their family. What if the wife says "No." What then? He can't be the leader then. Also, some wives don't give a single blanket "No" but effectively do so, some more often than others, with their actions, and there's no much a husband can do about that.

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Many People Do Both

There are many lame arguments out there, especially when expressed in tweets, against "porn". That's in quotes because some of these scold accounts say anything that arouses someone other than their live, in-the-flesh spouse, is porn. Meanwhile most people would think of porn as videos and pictures explicitly depicting people having sex, and that's about it (other than, maybe, delivering a pizza).

Before I go further, exposing bad arguments does NOT mean I think any given media content, or the production or "use" thereof, is a good thing. It means I find bad arguments to be annoying.

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

A Tale of an Alpha Male Father

One of Dr. Laura's favorite go-to stories about "alpha male" fathers dealing with boys who disrespect their mother is from a letter she got from a guy who recalls mouthing off to his mother until his father came into the room, grabbed him by the collar and/or pinned him up against the wall or some such maneuver, got into his face, and said "You will never talk to MY WOMAN that way!" And the letter writer claimed it worked.

Dr. Laura is very clear that the wording is "my woman" rather than "your mother", because the woman being disrespected is the father/husband's territory. That's her wording. This is one of the very few specific examples I've heard anyone, not just Dr. Laura, describe when they tell husbands and fathers to "man up" or "be a real man" or "be alpha" or "get control of your family". Apparently guys are usually supposed to magically know an effective tactic that follows from such admonitions. Like this:
Teen: Screw you!
Outside Observer: You can't let your son behave that way! Be alpha!
Father: [does the unexplained alpha tactics... because someone else told him to be alpha]
Teen: I love you, dad! I'll never be disrespectful again.
But here we have one of the very rare times a specific tactic is described. A few of observations about this anecdote:

Monday, July 17, 2017

It's Not Just Divorce

Comments continue to be left at YouTube on the two worst Prager University videos (most of their videos are great). We've already analyzed the two videos, "Be a Man, Get Married" here, here, and here, and "The Sexiest Man Alive" here. But you can go check out the comments for yourself.

The misleading "married men are better off" stuff is still being left in the comments, between the comments that expose the serious flaws in the videos.

It's not just divorce, or if she cheats. It's today's "marriage" itself as offered by our laws and culture, and most of today's women, that are problematic to the point that marriage is a bad deal for men. The sacrifices, compromises, obligations, and risks are too significant without any guaranteed benefit. This is especially so for a man who doesn't want children, but even a man who wants children has to consider whether it is worth it to have children under such conditions, with a woman who'll have parental rights as opposed to a surrogate.

And if we're honest, most men aren't in a position to be good husbands and fathers.

But yes, on top of that, the possibility of divorce can't be left out of consideration.

Dr. Laura likes asking a similar question about possible marriages with minor stepchildren involved, so I'm going to ask one. If you had the choice to board an airplane or not for a VOLUNTARY trip that isn't necessary and will have little or no benefit, and there was a 33% chance (that's a 1 in 3 chance) the airplane was going to crash and kill you in a painful way, would you get on that airplane? What if, by getting on that airplane, it was MORE LIKELY THAN NOT you'd either be painfully killed or seriously injured? Would you get on that airplane?

No rational person would say yes. But that's what men are doing when they marry into a first marriage with no child of his own to a childless woman. It's even worse if one or both of you has been married before and/or have at least one child.

Grampa might have been married for life, and claimed to be happy, but he married in a different era.

Ask yourself...

Why do I need someone else living in my house and messing it up?
Why do I need more and larger bills?
Why do I need someone around yapping, nagging me, complaining to me, and arguing with me?
Why do I need someone else's problems?
Why do I need someone else's annoying family and cackling friends in my life?
Why do I need to invite the government into my home and financial accounts?
Why do I need someone else around that I constantly have to entertain and take care of?
Why do I need someone else passing judgment on my family and friends and causing problems between me and them?
Why do I need to make a woman my default medical decision maker when I'm not able to communicate AND simultaneously make her my default beneficiary?
Why do I need someone who is going to hinder my ability to earn?
Why do I need someone who isn't as successful at increasing wealth having an equal say in what happens with my income?

You don't. So don't do it.

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Men Should Protect Themselves

I first posted this here about nine years ago. It holds up.

In previous posts, I wrote about laws and policies that could level the playing field somewhat between the sexes. Although those things are possible, I do not hold out much hope for them happening. Men should do what they can to protect themselves – their wallets, their hearts, their bodies, their autonomy - based on the way things are NOW.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Come up with a plan for your life. What are your priorities? What are your goals? What is your dream? What do you want to accomplish as far as family, friends, career, and hobbies? What kind of lifestyle do you want to have?

This will determine what you do and how you do it. Plans can change, but it is important to have a plan. If you want to serve God and get married and have kids, you are going to do things differently than if it want to travel as much as possible for pleasure, or if you want to reach the top of the corporate ladder.

There is no right or wrong answer to these questions – only what you need and want out of life. Don’t let other people tell you what you need, what you want, what you like – even if that other person has a vagina and is really, really hot. Only YOU know those things. One way for you to know is to look at your life so far and figure out what you have liked and what you have not.

If you want a career, pursue that career. If your highest priority is a career, serious, exclusive relationships can slow you down. They can distract you, take your time and energy, keep you from going where you need to go, putting in the hours you need to put in, socializing for the sake of networking, etc.

Plus, the more successful you are, the more options you will have in dates/finding a partner. Marriage-minded “ladies” like the security that comes with a man who is successful. “Golddiggers” are turned on by a fat wallet. Either way, it basically boils down to $$$.

2. Do not fornicate. The most basic thing an unmarried man can do to protect himself is to refrain from fornicating. Fornicating can often lead to disease, out-of-wedlock pregnancy (very expensive if she doesn’t choose to kill the baby and decides to raise the baby), emotional entanglements, and other complications. It can harden your heart. (Most of all, it is against God's will.)

Now, I’m not naïve. I know most men aren’t going to heed that advice, especially when there are so many women who will throw their naked bodies at a man with little effort on his part and no strings attached, ready to try out the latest suggestion from Cosmo or something they saw on MTV. There are still things guys can do to protect themselves by minimizing risks and costs and retaining as much control over their own lives as possible (aside from abstaining).

3. Get a vasectomy. If you’re fairly certain you’ll never want kids, get a vasectomy. Pulling out is not effective. Condoms are not always effective, women have been known to poke holes in them or retrieve the contents, women have tried to get themselves pregnant via “outercourse”. So, if you’re really certain you don’t want kids, get that snip and make sure your sperm count is zero. Even then, it is still good to use a condom to reduce your chances of catching an STD, if you are unwilling to ensure you avoid STDs by abstaining.

4. Use a condom. If you do not want to get a vasectomy, use a condom each and every time – your own condom – one that is fresh. Make sure that it is disposed of properly. It can cause overflows in toilets. If you place it in the trash, it is a good idea to keep a small bottle of Tabasco or habenero sauce handy to spoil the contents. Women have been known to retrieve the contents, and if your partner tries, you’ll hear about it the moment she does if you have spoiled it with sauce. Please, ladies, no complaints about this tactic. A woman who tries to impregnate herself when the man has made it clear he doesn’t want to conceive deserves the result of this tactic. And yes, women have suffered as a result of trying to impregnate themselves with Tabasco-laden ejaculate. Even if you’ve had a vasectomy, a condom can help reduce the risk of getting an STD. You do not want to make babies out of wedlock. You don't even want to donate sperm under any circumstances. It is too risky.

5. Verify paternity. Check paternity with an over-the-counter DNA kit. The child’s mother never has to know, unless you find out that you are not the biological father.

6. Never tolerate abuse. If she hits you or throws something at you, leave and don’t come back. Or, if it is your place, have her arrested, then kick her out. Prosecute her, if at all possible. If you have children, get them away from that dangerous woman.

7. DO NOT SHACK UP. Shacking up is one of the most common mistakes men make these days. If you want to get married, the research shows that shacking up is actually counterproductive to having a lasting, happy marriage. I know this sounds strange, but it is true. If your priority is sex or career or something else, shacking up is also counterproductive to those things. Also, living with a woman makes it harder to break up with her even when you know you should. If you “must” shack up, make sure it is at YOUR place – your name, not hers, will be on the rental agreement, lease, mortgage, deed, or whatever, and your name will be on the utility bills. If you own the place, make her sign a quitclaim before she moves in.

8. Keep dating cheap. If she needs a man who spends a lot of money on dates, let her go find a sucker. You’re better off without her. It is better to save your money. If you want to get married, the kind of marriage-minded lady you should be dating should appreciate a frugal man who is smart with his money. saving it for marriage. If you’re just looking for sex, you can get it without spending much at all – if she’s going to fornicate with you, she’s already decided to before you’ve spent a dollar on the date. In those cases, it is best to try to meet after dinner - for drinks, or wine and a movie at her place. Also, we no longer live in the Dark Ages. Women make their own money now and they can pay if they want something expensive. Why is her time more valuable than yours? Are we equal or not? A woman who expects to be materially compensated for her time with you should either be your attorney, medical professional, counselor, or some other employee, or a prostitute.

9. Do not date single mothers. This will help keep dating cheap (you won’t have to pay for babysitters, and later, for her kids’ meals/entertainment). More importantly, if you’re looking for a wife, it is better to find a woman who does not have children living at home. Such women should be focusing on raising her children anyway, not finding another honey. If you’re just looking for sex, why date a woman who gets pregnant by the wrong men (some widows being the exception)? You want a woman who uses contraception effectively.

10. Avoid exclusive relationships if you do not want to marry or are not ready to marry. Women in exclusive relationships tend to want to shack up, get married, or have babies, and that’s not what you want. Don’t go steady with a woman unless you have good reason to believe it could lead to marriage. Date as many women as you want until you are going steady. When it is obvious that you could not marry a woman or that she is not marriage-minded, stop seeing her. It’s a waste of time and money.

11. Save, invest, insure, own. This should be a lot easier to do if you aren’t spending a lot of money on dates or a girlfriend. Stay out of debt, other than a reasonable mortgage (save up and pay for cars in cash). Spend less than you make. Build up a cash “forget you!” account that will allow you to be without a job for at least six months. You should be saving and investing for large purchases and retirement. It is better to buy a home than rent.

12. Consider remaining unmarried. Marriage isn’t for everyone. If you don’t want kids, and you don’t believe sex is for marriage, I don’t see much reason for getting married in this day and age. I personally believe marriage to the right woman is a huge blessing and that sex is for marriage (and I wanted kids), so it made sense for me. But it seems like there are fewer “right” women out there than ever, and most people have no idea why they want kids – they think they are just a part of life. Even if you agree that sex is for marriage, you need to weigh the guilt-free sex against all of the other things that come with marriage. Before deciding you want kids, you should also try babysitting kids of all ages for friends or relatives for a couple days at a time and imagine what it would be like to have those children 24/7/365, being completely responsible for them for 18+ years – paying for their food, clothes, medical care, and toys; keeping on top of their education; disciplining them.

13. Wait until you are ready spiritually, psychologically, professionally, emotionally, socially, and financially before going about choosing a wife. You should be at least 25 and have achieved your dream (if you have one besides being a husband and father). I know there are happy married couples who married young. And there are people who survive drunk driving, too. You should have any significant psychological problems or character flaws under reasonable control (just as she should). You want to be sober-minded when looking for a wife.

14. Choose a wife wisely. It is the second most important thing you will ever do (the first being deciding about God). Based on what you know about yourself and what you’ve learned from dating and family situations, come up with a profile of what you need in a wife, taking into consideration such things as height range, age range, and anything that is important to you. Do NOT get attached to a woman who doesn’t fit this profile, nor waste your time, money, or energy on her. It’s not fair to her or to you.

As I wrote earlier, do not shack up. Spend a lot of time with her, yes. See how she lives, yes. See how she treats people and gets along with her family, yes. But do not live with her before you are married.

There should be no red flags.

You should be able to look across the table at this woman and be ready to lay down your life for her. You should be able to say to yourself, without regret, “This is the best woman for me. I couldn’t ever do better than this.”

She should respect you.

15. Get a pre-nup. This must be done before you give her a ring or set a wedding date. She must have a lawyer, and you must have a lawyer. If she refuses, she’s saying she’s happy with letting strangers decide what will happen if the marriage has trouble – and you should not marry her, should not propose to her, because those conditions are stacked against you. Pre-nups can protect her as much as they protect you, and can prompt discussion of important matters many couples do not discuss (enough) before they marry, including finances, goals and expectations, living arrangements, who will work, etc. Financial accounts, credit scores, employment history, education record, medical history (including mental health history), driving record, criminal record, civil judgments – all of that should be out in the open between the two of you. She should be perfectly willing to show you her bills, bank statements, credit card records, etc. If not, something is wrong.

16. Treat your wife kindly. If you’ve made the decision to get married to her, she must be a special lady. Treat her like it. Seek to meet her needs. Protect her. Honor her, love her, cherish her (like the marital vows say). Forsake all others.

I hope I have been of some assistance with these suggestions. You, your brother, or your son could benefit from these considerations.

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Don't Date Single Mothers - Here is Why

[This is this blog's most popular post. I think it holds up well and is highly relevant in today's world.]

Not of all of these reasons apply to everyone. Some men are dating for sex, others are dating for marriage and sex, for example. Also, “single mother” can mean different things*.

Men, especially men with game, have a choice in women. Some women have children, some don’t. Unless you’re a pedophile, it is extremely unlikely that a woman with a child has anything to offer that’s of benefit to you that a woman without a child lacks. Conversely, here are the downsides of dating a single mother, in no particular order:

1) The kid(s) will always come first for her, and that’s the way it should be. A woman without a child has much more freedom to be available for you. An unmarried mother should put her child(ren) first. The child is already dealing with not having a mother and father married to each other and living together, and needs parental attention. That child does not need to compete with you, and you don’t need to compete with that child. Even if you were to marry her, the child(ren) will always come first, whereas being with a childless woman means YOU come first. Having children in the mix complicates EVERYTHING!

2) Most relationships end. So you’d bond with her children and then you (and the children) would have to endure the pain of losing or restricting that bond with each other. That’s bad enough for you, but you should not be a party to putting a child through that.

3) Being around the child(ren) exposes you to false charges of abuse. If the child likes you, if you’re nice to the child, that’s no insurance against false accusations. It probably makes you MORE of a target. These children are more likely to have mental and emotional problems. Social workers know that children in these situations are more likely to be abused by their mother’s lovers, so they’ll be more likely to believe you are a culprit. Even if you are ultimately cleared of false accusations, the mere accusation can ruin your life. This reason alone should eliminate single mothers from your consideration.

4) You WILL have to pay more than if you date a childless woman. First it will start off with having to pay for babysitters, and then she will want to have “dates” on which the child(ren) will come along. So not only will you not be getting sex, but you’re going to have to hang out at Chuck E. Cheese’s AND pay for the child’s meals and entertainment. Depending on what is happening with the child’s biological father, how much time the child spends around you, paying for the child, and buying gifts for the child (think birthdays, Christmas, etc.), you can end up getting tagged for child support. All it takes is some judge or government official picking YOU to pay for the child’s needs rather than taxpayers. Finally, if you marry her, you will DEFINITELY be paying more.

5) A woman who has given birth can’t ever have a body close to what she had before carrying a child. This is not saying that having a child isn’t worth it, but this is not about YOU having a child. That child is hers, not yours. Her body was changed by something that is of no benefit to you.

6) You don’t want to be a father. She has demonstrated already that she doesn’t know how to effectively use contraception OR otherwise doesn’t make good choices because she made children with the wrong guy (most likely)*, and has demonstrated that she WANTS to be a mother as she kept the child. Once a woman is a mother, she is less reluctant to avoid pregnancy. She may WANT her child(ren) to have a sibling, and you don’t want to end up being Daddy. It doesn’t matter what she says as far as “I don’t want another child” or “I can’t get pregnant” or “I’m using contraception” or “I wouldn’t ask anything of you.” Women lie or change their minds about this sort of thing all of time**, and even if she doesn’t, a court can make you be Daddy, financially anyway.

7) You don’t want to be divorced. Especially since women are more likely to file for divorce, marrying a divorced woman means you are more likely to end up divorced from her. Second marriages have a higher failure rate than first marriage. Marrying a woman with minor children gives you about a 70% chance of getting divorced. And that's legal divorce. Some people stay legally married, but miserable.

8) You don’t want to deal with the child’s father. Even if you’re just dating her and don’t want to get married, if the father(s) of the child(ren) is/are in the picture, that is likely going to be even more of a hassle for you. Even if a biodad isn't in the picture right now, he can always resurface and wreak havoc unless he's dead.

As you can see, whether you’re just looking for sex or you actually do want to get married (= legally obligating yourself to give at least half of everything you’ll ever earn to a woman, being held legally/financially responsible for any children she births during the marriage whether they are yours or not), you should avoid single mothers. This is written to protect men (and, somewhat, children). None of this is to say single mothers are bad people and certainly not to say all women do the things I listed. Some do, and men should protect themselves.

*Women are “single mothers” for different reasons. While the term should be reserved for never-married mothers, it can also refer to divorced mothers and widowed mothers. Unless she was widowed because her husband was killed through no fault of his own (as opposed to guys who committed suicide, or had unhealthy lives, or were involved in crime), she picked the wrong man and/or treated him like crap. A few single mothers used a sperm donor, and those women think men are not important.

**Never trust a woman’s claims she can’t/doesn’t want to get pregnant (unless, of course, you WANT to have children with her). Assume she is fertile and will want to have a baby.

[This entry gets a lot of traffic, relative to my other entries. It must resonate with someone.]

Here's how to exit a relationship with a single mother if you're already in one.

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Grandpa Lived in a Different Era

I’m so tired of people asking why husbands and fathers today aren't like their grandfathers or great-grandfathers in terms of leading their homes, tempering their wife when she's way out of line, and keeping their kids in line, etc. The embellished memories of how those men of yore kept everything hunky dory without losing their cool can be entertaining and even amusing to hear once or twice, but the constant extolling of this imagined past familial utopia is irritating.

There are very important things that aren't included in this praise of these "real" men.

Those men could literally beat their wives and children, rape their wives, and kick any of them out of home without giving them a dime in walking money. If some punk was horning in on one of the girls in the family, the dad could run him off the property with a gun. And none of it was against the law or, even if it was technically against the law, nobody would arrest these men, let alone prosecute them or convict them. Now, not all men actually ran their homes like that, but the general cultural understanding that they could was enough to keep their families in line. Wives and children did run away, facing destitution in doing so, especially when relatives were unwilling to take them in. Many of their relatives would side with the husband/father. Yes, a woman might find that her own father would side with his son-in-law. Just about everyone else did, too... employers/customers, clergy and congregations, mental health providers, doctors, banks, newspaper editors... just about anyone. Wives were told to go back and obey and please their husbands, with maybe doing something on the sly behind his back (like squirreling away some savings if the husband would spend too much or wouldn't let his wife have enough money).

A married woman couldn’t get a credit card or engage in many other financial actions without her husband’s agreement. This is the real reason some women had secret stashes of cash the home. They couldn’t put it in a bank without their husband knowing.

Unlike now, a marriage license was an actual license to live together, have sex, and have children. There could be serious legal consequences if you did any of those things without a marriage license. That license gave a man access to his wife’s body, whether she felt like it at the moment or not. If she cheated on him, not only could be beat her, kick her out, and divorce her, but she could be criminally charged and she certainly wouldn’t get half of everything plus lifetime alimony.

Is that how things should be run? I'm not saying these were good things. But they "worked" in that they 1) kept children from being a disobedient presence in the family home, and 2) kept wives from emasculating their husbands or acting significantly in contradiction to what he wanted. If you can find an acceptable way to achieve those goals now, please share it with us. We’d love to know the secret. And sorry, telling men to “be like your grandfather” ain’t going to do it. You might as well tell someone to fly on a magic unicorn. Grandpa lived in a different era.

The men of today have different dynamics to deal with in the home. They also have different dynamics to deal with outside the home. Every workplace, every institution has been feminized, and mostly of them have been integrated with women. Most media and most businesses and other organizations seek to cater to feminine sensitivities and priorities when there is a conflict with masculine. Grampa didn’t have to compete with both other men and women in selling his labor. He didn’t have to worry that having a normal conversation with another guy at work could get him fired for “harassment” because someone overhead something they didn’t like.

Sorry, everything else has been changed. You can't expect men to behave as though nothing has changed.