Important Messages to Young Men - Life is Short

The introduction to this series is here.

Life is short, time is limited, and time is one of the most valuable things you have. It may not look like that now, it might not feel like it, but unless you die young, one day you will look back and marvel at how fast the decades went by. If you get an illness that takes you out earlier, you'll know even harder that life is short.

 

Nobody is guaranteed another day.

Everything is a trade off, everything has a cost, including with time. Actively spending time doing one thing will usually mean you can't spend that time doing another. Keep perspective on what's going to matter tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now, a decade from now.

Value your time. Learn to say no, both to yourself and others.

Avoid pointless timesucks. Rest, relaxation, and recreation are important, but avoid sloth or frittering your life away.

Look for ways to save time. For example, being familiar with trends and events in pop culture can help with socialization and certain lines of work, but there are certain reviews/aggregators of pop culture that give you what you might want to know without wasting your time.

Not all that is valuable is material. Experiences and memories thereof can be worthwhile.

Delayed gratification and saving for the future are necessary, but don't neglect enjoying the moment, smelling the roses, and rewarding yourself for doing well. There are choices to be made.

Most people need to do some things they don't want to do in order to get to where they want to be. Many people dislike exercising, but they like being fit.

Part of being successful is having to do things you don't want to do less and less, especially as you mature. A practical example is that someone who works smart and hard now might be able to take it easy when they're older, rather than having to continue to work in jobs they don't like.

One of the biggest benefits to having wealth and power is that, in theory, you can spend much less time doing things you don't want to do. For example, if you hate shopping, at least for most things, you can pay someone to shop for you. The downside is having to defend your wealth and power from those who want to take it away from you.

Keep in mind that if you're going to be a husband and/or father, and do those things well, those things place enormous demands on your time and you'll be spending much of your life doing things you don't want to do. Running game saves time when it comes to women.

Life it short. Be wise with your time.

[Enjoy your weekend, and for my fellow Americans, enjoy the Independence Day holiday. Maybe I'll update before the holiday, maybe not.]

The Men Who Are Beaten Dogs

The best humor contains a lot of truth. Check out the late great Sam Kinison's first appearance on national broadcast television, on Late Night with David Letterman:


That was in the 1980s. Things have gotten worse since.

Beaten Dogs are the opposite of Free Men.

They are emasculated. Their dreams have been killed.

We all know beaten dogs. Some of us are beaten dogs.

Beaten dogs deny themselves, or are denied, not only their dreams, but peace, quiet, autonomy, freedom, and many joys. They are often denied the ability to enjoy the fruits of their own labors. Their current lot in life is quiet (at least usually) desperation, servitude to an irrational and often abusive creature in the form of a wife, girlfriend, or babymamma.

Quite often, what accompanies this, if not retired or on disability, is employment in bleak conditions, often until they die. They are lucky if they have one space at home that is truly their own, and any time with the guys, apart from the clucking hens, shrill shrieking shrews, and ungrateful brats.

If a Beaten Dog has a job they enjoy, they will try to spend as much time on that to avoid being home. Otherwise, they might take up golf or bowling or try to find some other way to hang out with guys.

Make no mistake. Beaten dogs put themselves into this situation. They believed what was sold to them about relationships, marriage and/or parenting. "They didn't choose the right woman," say many observers. For most of these men, there was no such thing. The problem is that they didn't take the necessary steps to be and stay Free Men.

Can a Beaten Dog become free? Yes. But it takes changing just about everything, takes a lot of time and energy, and a whole lot of money. It almost always means needing to move and get a divorce. It means the loss of a lot of supposed friends, and possibly losing relationships with their sons and daughters, and maybe their parents and siblings as well.

Prevention is best. Stay free!

Important Messages to Young Men - Introduction

This will be a series of important messages to young men and boys.

A frequent prompt on social media is "If you could tell your younger self something, or talk to your younger self, what would you say?" Sometimes it is limited to one thing or three words. Someone will always say that if they could talk to their younger self, they'd say "Bet on..." or "Invest in Apple." That's not the point of the mental exercise.

If it's limited to just three words it would be "Stay free, unmarried."

If I could literally talk to my younger self back in that time frame, there are specific things I'd say. But what would I say to young men today? That's more generalized. And it is one reason this blog exists. In some ways, many entries on this blog are messages to younger men. This series will attempt to codify the more important things into several basic messages.

The USA is what I know. Much of this series might apply elsewhere.

So check back regularly and I'll post the series as I have time.

Success Sequence

To what should males aspire?

Practical Advice for Men Avoiding Relationships

Hey all free men! Are you dealing with family, "friends", coworkers, and fellow congregants who insist you should "settle down" or "grow up" or "man up" or "get serious"* and find a "nice woman" and marry her? Are they doing even worse by actually trying to fix you up with someone?

If telling them you never want to get married is either not something you want to do for whatever reason, or hasn't worked, try cutting them off at the knees by insisting any woman you could be with has to fit the following profile:


[NOTE: Are there great women who don't meet the criteria below who can be fun at dinner or parties, or good coworkers, or good friends, or good neighbors, or successful? Yes, but that doesn't mean they'd make a good wife or you'd want her as a girlfriend. That's what we're talking about here. This message is for men who want to avoid marriage and relationships in general.]

"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Let's flip this around. Are most women upfront and honest when it comes to dating? Ladies, if you're going to be honest with yourself, can you really say you are upfront and honest all of the time? What about your friends? Sure, you don't date them, but from what they've told you?

Are any of these things upfront and honest?

• Fake breasts
• Padded/pushup bras
• Fake eyelashes
• Fake nails
• Fake hair color
• Weaves, extensions, wigs, anything that makes it look like you have more/nicer hair than you do
• Makeup
• Pretending to like something about us or what we like that you really don't
• "Oh him? He's just a friend." [...who has had his penis inside you.]
  
• "I'm on The Pill."
• "I'm unable to get pregnant." or "It will be really difficult to get me pregnant."
• "I've never done that/this before."
• "I'm not like that." [Something he wants that you do with other men.]
• "I'm not like that." [Something he doesn't want but you will bring.]
  
• "We're pregnant."or "This baby is yours." [He didn't get you pregnant.]
• I need a man who is X, Y, Z." [When she has sex with men who are none of those.]
• "Friends first." [She has had sex with plenty of men who never became a friend.]
• "I need to be romanced, pursued, won over." [Except when it comes to the booty calls and hookups.]
  

Have you ever said to a man, being honest, "I will let you take me out, but I'm not going to have sex with you, even though I have sex with other men"? Hardly any, if any, woman who behaves in such a way will actually say that to a man. Why? Because it doesn't get her what she wants. Well, that's why men say or don't say certain things, too.

Why should men be upfront and honest when dealing with women who walk all over men who are?

There's still more to come in this series.

Part 1 in This Series

Part 2 in This Series

Part 3 in This Series

Part 5 in This Series

When Your Buddies Marry and Become Scarce

Are you a man whose friends all seem to be getting married, or maybe they're just living with their girlfriends, and these men never seem to have time for you, or enough time, anymore?

Perhaps the worst thing you can do in response to this is to get married yourself. Don't make that mistake! Most of you should avoid marrying, avoid living with a woman, avoid impregnating a woman, and avoid signing contracts (like leases, loans, etc.) with women.

Yeah, it sucks when your buddies get married and become scarce. It's probably not you personally. This is a very common thing, Why? Well, there are many reasons:

1) She runs their life, especially their social calendar. If he's lucky, he'll get some guy time, but even then, it might be time with the guys who are married to her friends. They are going to spend most of their social time with her married friends and her family, or as a couple.

2) He has chores and errands because of her. All of those "honey dos".

3) He doesn't have money to spend anymore. He needs to pay for the things she wants. and whatever debts she brought into the marriage she's now getting him to pay off. So, it isn't so easy for him to go to a game or concert or do whatever with you that's going to cost money.

4) He has to work more to pay for his (her) now-more-expensive lifestyle.

5) He can't do many of the things he used to do with you and the other guys. She might not let him. And you, in general, are a reminder if what he's given up, especially if you're telling him (or posting on social media) about the wonderful things you are doing that you most likely wouldn't be doing if you had a wife and especially if you had kids.

But here's the good news for you, if you're still interested in a friendship with him.

Yet Another Example of Why Men Avoid Marriage

AT A CROSSROADS is a beaten dog who wrote  into Dear Abby:

I met my wife in college.

Bad move, unless he didn't get serious with her until later. College is great for playing the field.

We have been married for 40 years and have two adult sons.

Forty years of marriage is important to the rest of the letter.

My wife had a brief affair early in our marriage, but we have long since moved on from that.

Then there was no reason to mention it, right? Oh, but there is. If they didn't have kids at the time, he should have hit the eject button.

However, increasingly over the last 15 years, my wife (career homemaker, her choice)

Of course it was! If he left her, he'd have to pay!

has been aggressively making demands in exchange for anything she does for me -- i.e., if I don't buy her something, she won't cook dinner, do laundry or have sex.

Please send this to any guy you know who might get married.

I buy her things all the time, and I give her an allowance, roughly 70% of my take-home pay. Some of her demands I simply cannot afford, so I often cook, clean, etc., myself. As a result, we haven't had sex in more than 10 years.

This is marriage, guys. Most marriages are like this or are closer to this than being good marriages.

OK, before we get into the next part of the letter, it has already been established that he doesn't have a marriage. What he has is state-enforced slavery, with the option of physically leaving but still being financially enslaved.

Two years ago, I met a younger woman. She is also married, although separated.

How does he know that?

She still shares a home with her husband and their two children.

While it might be legally possible in some places, that sure doesn't sound like separation.

We meet as often as we can and I find her delightful and easy to get along with.

For now. She's auditioning.

Lately, she has been saying she wants us to leave our situations and get married.

Why would you ever want to remarry?!? You like things with her now. That's not marriage. Even so, wait for her leave her husband and prove it. Don't make any changes that take her into account until she has at least done that.

My concern is twofold. First, when my wife gets angry, she threatens to divorce me and take everything I've got, even if it costs her everything as well. She does not bluff.

She could and would do that even if she never said that to you. That's what happens if a wife doesn't earn income and the marriage goes on for decades.

Second, my girlfriend is so much younger than I am that I'm concerned that while things are great now, I'll be an elderly man in the not too distant future and could be a burden to her. What are your thoughts?

I have to wonder: What have you been spending on this girlfriend? How much more money do you have than her?

Never operate under the assumption that any woman will continue to be a positive presence in your life. Even if you both divorced and married each others, the odds are slim that marriage would work out well. Do not promise this woman anything, and don't limit yourself.

Your marriage is over. It has been over for a long time. But if you can keep out of the family courts for the rest of your life, and avoid paying for two legal teams, that would be great. So, if you want female companionship, run game as discretely as you can. Don't worry about pleasing your wife, but it's best she never have definitive proof you're with other women. Although statistically unlikely, the best thing for you would be for her to drop dead soon, with you outliving her many years so you can have some peace.

Unmarried guys, I hope you're seeing that that the best way to "win" at marriage is to NOT PLAY.

Dear Abby responded:

If the only thing keeping you in this unhappy marriage is fear, contact an attorney to discuss what a divorce would cost you financially.

As she has done with other situations, Dear Abby could have asked an attorney. Maybe she did, but doesn't want to print the results.

This guy is SCREWED. If he were to divorce, he'd lose at least half of everything, and on top of that, he'd have to pay for both legal teams AND likely pay significant ongoing alimony for the rest of his life. His wife and the attorneys would stretching things out as long as they could, milking his paycheck. HE... IS... SCREWED. THAT is the crappy family law we have.

Stay free, men.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 14

 

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here and Part 9 here and Part 10 here. and Part 11 here and Part 12 here and Part 13 here.


Married people have more children, and we need more people. They are a resource.

The main reason married people have more children is the same reason they are married:

Either they believe they are supposed to be married and having children or they believe they have stability in their relationship.

In the Western world, there is very little, if any, stigma left in unmarried parenting.

Again, depending on your situation, there are different way to answer.

A) I don't want any/more children.

B) I can't have any/more children.

C) Water wells are a resource. How many have you personally dug? Food is a resource. Are you producing on a farm more than you're consuming? Food and water are resources yet you don't tell me I should be providing them. Other people will continue to provide children. I will continue to contribute in ways I prefer.

D) People can have as many children as they want without a terrible state contract.

E) I am not obligated to keep supplying to your government ponzi schemes.

F) Be honest and direct and try to encourage people to have more children, rather than telling them they should marry. You can appeal to the people who are already married to have (more) children, if you have a qualm with unmarried parenting.


Don't you want what is good for society?

This makes the assumption that marrying is good for society. You can try asking them to explain how exactly marrying is good for society. They will probably cite things we've already covered in this series: having (more) children, having cooperative parental involvement in raising the children, unmarried men being violent, and unmarried women being dependent on government. As we've shown, all of those things can be addressed without a terrible state contract.

A) The claims that getting a terrible state contract is good for society is based on perceived correlations or things that can be done without a terrible state contract. Signing a terrible state contract isn't good for society. What's good for society is in how people behave. It won't benefit society if I get a terrible state contract, other than to remove a woman from the teat of government. But I wouldn't take on a woman like that anyway. How about encouraging women to be independent?

B) Explain exactly how me entering into a terrible state contract would benefit society?

There is no evidence whatsoever that signing a terrible state contract is beneficial to society.

What Timing!

How amazing is it that so many people manage to find THE One to marry in such a narrow sliver of time?

Most first marriages happen in the 25-35 age range.

Wow, out of eight billion people (OK, four billion if we narrow it down by sex), out of 60 years of adult life, so many people manage to find that ONE special someone in a narrow window of time. Sure, a few people marry someone they've known since their childhood or adolescence, but most people (where marriages aren't arranged) marry someone they met just a few years, at most, before the wedding.

Let's be real.

Not only are most of those people "settling," many of them think they are settling, no matter what they say.

Yes, some really do feel like they have actually found THE ONE and are blessed beyond expectations.

And yet... within five, ten, fifteen years, how many of them have demonstrated otherwise? Bitterness, resentment, abuse, affairs, separation, divorce, on and on it goes. Clearly they weren't THE ONE.

Some Christians (and I expect followers of some other religions) pray for their child's "future spouse" from the time they know they are expecting. The problem with Christian doing that is there is no guarantee in the Bible that everyone will find a spouse. Wanting your child to marry when they are adults and praying for the people they will interact with in their life is fine, but it is presumptuous to speak as though they will get married (and I wouldn't wish what's called marriage today on any son of mine.) I wonder what these people do when the marriage doesn't last, and their child is facing remarriage. The person they prayed for is an ex or dead, and now their child is potentially marrying someone they never prayed for all those years.

As unromantic as it is, chances are, there isn't THE ONE. There are two people settling for each other, because they are pressured or because they think it is how to get what they want or how to get to what they should do.

Sensational Headlines Might Mislead

Law enforcement agencies are government departments, dependent on taxpayer money, and like getting credit for good deeds.

News media likes sensational headlines because it gets them clicks and viewers.

A lot of people have conspiratorial and crisis thinking, meaning they are sure there's a crisis going on, and it is the result of a vast conspiracy.

Every once in a while, there will be a headline like this:

"68 Missing Children Recovered From Human Trafficking Operation, [Law Enforcement Agency] Says"

That makes it sound like there was a building with 68 children inside of it, where strangers would go and pay money to sexually abuse them, maybe "buy" them to take home.

Shocking, right? How evil!!!

Except... that's not really what happened. And thank goodness it isn't.

Yet Another Example of Why Men Should Avoid Marrying

Every once in a while, the mask slips.

Yesterday (January 4, 2022), this, screencapped below in case it disappears, was posted on the Dr. Laura Program official Facebook page. [This entry has been bumped up.]



Many women commented on it, about how men need to jump through more hoops in order to get sex from their woman.

Typical right? We hear and read that all of the time.

About 24 hours later, this was posted on the very same Facebook page, again, screencapped below in case it goes away.



How can this be reconciled with the first post? Simple! Tell the boyfriends to stop doing so much for her. Right??? I mean, then her sexual desire will be reduced. Right???

The men had fun with this one, commenting on this second posting:




Dr. Laura does monitor and comment on her program's official Facebook page (unlike Twitter, which she doesn't personally check), so it will be interesting to see if she responds to this, deletes something (including some comments from men), or what.

There is a larger point here than two apparently contradictory posts on the same page in about a 24-hour span.

It is that many (most?) women DO NOT need ANYTHING in order to be sexual. The proof is in how women behave, often from first dates (or hookups without even going on a date), all the way until their wedding or the birth of a child. The proof is in affairs. The woman in the second post doesn't need her boyfriend to jump through hoops. She wants sex with them.

A BIG tell is single mothers. If she was able to have sex with him plenty when they were dating, even though she had LESS help around the house, and then he marries her and thus is doing more than before they were married, and the sex dwindles, that shows "he needs to do more" is dung. (Don't date or marry single mothers, though, guys.)

The only way "Hey, husband, you need to jump through more hoops" is true is if he needs to do more because she is now less attracted to him because of age and/or marriage, and if that is common, then it is all the more reason for men to STAY FREE and date women who are more attracted, or go into monk mode.

None of this is to say men who've been ignorant, delusional, desperate, or masochistic enough to marry shouldn't contribute around the home or shouldn't romance their wife. Rather, this is to again demonstrate an inconsistency between what woman (and marriage sellers) say, and how women actually behave.

See something I wrote before about this topic.

Dear Abby Gets It Right In Reponse to Thrown In Kansas

A woman was having a great marriage at a time in her life many women no longer have any marriage at all, but she's found a way to ruin it, as she detailed in her letter to an advice column.

Dear Abby gave a great answer.

THROWN IN KANSAS wrote:

My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years.

So, there's a lot of history for each one of them.

I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to.

Maybe she means chaste? Or does she meant she had never married? If she means she was chaste, especially for her entire life, then she likely doesn't have much of a libido.

Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

So, she was happy with their level of affection and the sex.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated.

Why devastated? He's much more horny than his wife and so he seeks relief.

I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated.

Trust? How does this in any way mean she can't trust him? Did he explicitly agree he'd never do anything like that?

After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s.

They do if they're not getting as much sex as they want.

When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

"Get help?" He's saying these things because you are upset. He tried to deny what was going on because he has difficulty being honest about his sexual nature, and she clearly has trouble dealing with the reality.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction.

Why would he want to talk about it? The truth is upsetting to you. "Porn addiction" is a term used by grifters, hysterics, and their marks. It's not an official diagnosis.

Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time.

So he's DEFINITELY going to seek relief. "My husband is hornier than I am, so my solution is to not have sex with him at all!"

My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.

Want peace? Accept male sexual nature for what it is. If you won't do that, leave. You might be able to find a man who has no drive or interest, but is that what you want? The pickings of men in general are slim at your age, and you had  a good thing going with this guy.

Dear Abby responded:

Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

True. But maybe he should go out and have an affair instead.

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives.

Porn panic people will say that porn use is "linked" to relationship problems. But what they don't tell you is that the "link" is either that the relationship was already in trouble and/or that a partner's panic over porn caused the problems. Beyond that, compulsive people tend to do things compulsively, which may include watching porn. The core issue is their compulsiveness.

Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

Obviously, anyone consulted should not be someone who buys into porn panic. And the concern for me is making sure he's avoiding being scammed.

She was getting what she wanted and everything she needed from their sex life. He wasn't. He needs more. If it's mostly a matter of frequency, is she willing to have sex more? If he "needs" variety, she might not be able to do anything about that. If she no longer wants to have sex with him, either she needs to accept he's going to seek relief even more or this marriage is over.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07
Abby is going to get absurd letters and comments about how his enjoying what he does is going to turn him into a serial killer or cause children to be abused. Even some people who are usually rational and reasonable throw logic and sense out the window when it comes to erotica.

"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 3

Part 1 of This Series

Part 2 of This Series

Women usually know within the first five minutes of meeting a guy whether or not they'd ever have sex with him. But it isn't like they'll tell the man. That would be upfront and honest.

Unless they are asexual or something is wrong with them, men want sex. Depending on their morals, religion, strategy, etc., they might be willing to wait for sex. They might want sex AND [fill in the blank... marriage, family, etc.]. But we all want sex. If we didn't, we likely wouldn't have asked the woman to date, meet us, or let us come over.

"But women want sex, too" you might object.

Yes, most women do want sex, at least for part of their life. But the average woman doesn't want sex as much as the average man. The average man also wants sex with a wider variety of women than the variety of men women want to have sex with. The worldwide history of humanity demonstrates this. It is beyond the scope of this posting as to why that is. But it IS the case. A man would have sex with just about every woman he sees who isn't absolutely hideous.

So... in general, it is the man's role to pursue the sex, as he is more likely to want it, and intercourse doesn't happen if he isn't turned on. (Please note, I'm referring to the initiation of the relationship. Once a sexual relationship is established, of course it's great with most men if the woman takes the initiative sometimes.)

The man wants sex. Otherwise there wouldn't be a date. The woman may or may not want sex. She might be going on the date for freebies, attention, to affirm to herself or signal to others that she's desirable, leverage, or many other reasons instead of wanting sex with the guy. If he runs game, he will either smoke her out as not wanting sex with him, or he'll get to the sex with less effort/time/money/emotion than the man who doesn't run game.

She might want sex upon meeting him, but if she finds out something about him - and it depends on the woman what those things might be - she might not agree to sex. So, for the man who is primarily looking for sex, the less he reveals about his true self, the better. That's the case for most men. There are exceptions (very wealthy men, for example). She doesn't need to know any more more about him because he's not there to live together, get married, and have children. He's there for sex. If she finds him attractive enough to have sex with him, between his physical appearance, his behavior with her, and what she thinks she knows about him, he doesn't want to say or do anything to change that.

But if she doesn't want to have sex with him, he wants to find that out as soon as he can so he can stop wasting time, money, and energy. She can be upfront and honest and tell him that right away.

Why would a man have an obligation to spend more effort/time/money/emotion than it takes for him to get what he wants? In these sorts of relationships, it is up to the individuals to seek out what they want, to initiate what they want, and to either agree to, or decline, what the other person initiates. These are not marriages. They are dating relationships, hookups, booty calls.

If the woman doesn't like what he's doing, she is entirely free to stop seeing him. She can be upfront and honest and tell him that it is her intention that she's not going to have sex with him (or have sex with him anymore) unless he spends more time and money on her, agrees to an exclusive girlfriend-boyfriend relationship, or whatever. Maybe he'll agree to wait or change the relationship. Or maybe he'll carry on as he has, and she will still allow him to show up for a booty call, despite what she's said. If she stays true to her word, he can either agree to the terms or move on.

This is a dance. Men will dance in a way that gets them what they want. It's generally women who either reward the dancer or not.


Part 1 of This Series

Part 2 of This Series

Part 4 in This Series

June Is Here

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.