You Can Still Get Together Even If Dishes Are Dirty

If a man complains about his wife sexually rejecting him, women and feminized guys will often chastise him and say it must be his fault:

He's not treating her right.
He's not romancing her.
He's not doing enough of the housework.
He's not jumping through the right hoops.


In some of the cases, that might be true, but it isn't in all or perhaps even most cases.

Women, your sisters (and perhaps your younger selves) have exposed you. Most of you don't need your husband to do anything different or better in order for you to keep your vows and engage in what is supposed to be a mutually enjoyable activity.

How do we know? We know from many different things. These are just a few.

1) Unmarried guys don't have to do anything, or much at all, to get many women, even strangers, to have have sex with them. Guys are regularly getting sex in three dates or less, spending less than a grand total of $120 over three dates.

2) Married guys can commit adultery with plenty of willing women who usually don't require those guys to jump through a lot of hoops.

3) Whether they've actually done it or not, most women can name for their girlfriends one or more male celebrities they'd have sex with if they could just be in the same place at the same time. These women don't really know those celebrities at all. They've never spent time with them. Those celebrities have not done their dishes. Those celebrities have not taken them to nice dinners.

So most of this "she must have a good reason for rejecting her husband" stuff is crap. It's a load of dung. It's applicable only in rare examples in which a guy has become unhygenic due to mental illness or has done something extremely disgusting and immoral (child abuse, for example). (And even then, while some women rightly stop having sex with men like that, there are plenty of women still willing to have sex with molesters and murderers.)

It seems to me that all I ever had to do in my wayward youth was show up. I never had a girlfriend reject me. In fact, they were always the ones to bring sex into the relationship in the first place. Yes, I dated them. I took them out. Nothing lavishly expensive. I was kind and sweet to my girlfriends. But not once did any of them ever reject me and point to me failing to jump through this hoop or that hoop as the reason why. As time went on, I found that I could be aloof, uncommitted, unreliable, and unhelpful and still get sex.

So it's dung, in a lot of cases, that a wife "needs" her husband to do something differently or do something more in order for her to have sex with him.



Absent a better explanation, men like me are left to conclude that you're using sex as a loss leader, and once you've got us signed into a contract that is to your benefit, especially after there are children, your motivation is gone. You know what this tells men? It tells men not to marry and not to have children. It's also your loss as well as his. Sex is a great gift that He has given to a husband and wife. With the right attitudes, it doesn't ever have to be dull or routine. It can be very satisfying - mutually, and an experience of joy and delight.

Click on the tags for much related content, and don't miss this, this, or this.

Here’s a Clueless Woman

This woman is being played like a fiddle. "Down in the Dumps" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’m a 45-year-old professional woman who’s been with a really great guy for nine months. He broke up with his girlfriend of five years to be with me.

That’s interesting. How did that happen, unless he started seeing you behind her back?

He’s kind and thoughtful (takes my shoes off after a hard day, brings me coffee in bed in the morning, spoils my dog), sweet, loving and very sexual.

How does he do all of that, given you aren’t married and not living together... right?

He has his place, and I have mine.

As it should be when you are dating. I guess he must have a key to your place?

We make plans to see each other two or three times a week, but he cancels or just doesn’t show up at least half the time.

Very interesting.

He makes no excuses, doesn’t apologize and gives no details.

He's got game.

I honestly don’t think he’s cheating.

Well of course he's not cheating. He's not committed to anyone, so how could be he cheating even if he's having sex with a bunch of women?

We have spoken about this issue many times, yet I find myself sitting at home in my bathing suit: We’d made plans to go to the beach, but he went to an amusement park with his buddies.

It works for him. He gets to keep having sex with you, and still do everything else he wants.

I've never met his buddies, except for two, or been invited to any of his functions.

Sounds like Leykis 101 student, although she does fall out of the target age range for his students who are out of their early 20s.

He says a lot of his friends are in his ex-girlfriend’s circle and he wants to give it time before he brings someone in.

Oh, that's a good one.

I’m at the point where he makes plans with me and I expect them to be broken.

He's got you well trained. Do you ever actually go out with him? Or are you just a booty call?

I hate feeling this way.

And yet you enable it.

One last thing: He was in a very bad accident 10 years ago. He had a traumatic brain injury and says it affects his relationships and thought processes.

Oh man, that's another good one. Let's assume it is true. So what? Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? If it is a lie, it certainly is a useful one. He gets an excuse for everything and gets sympathy.

What’s the big picture that I’m not seeing?

You're one of his sex toys.

Dear Margo pretty much agreed. She points out that he could be married.

As long as women put up with this, there will be guys who do it. It really doesn't matter to the guys whether or not these women have graduate degrees or not, what kind of money they make, or anything like that. All they care about is that the woman will continue to have sex with them without being too much trouble (including asking "too much" of them).

Get With It on Technology, Dr. Laura

As I’ve written before, although Dr. Laura is usually right-on, she’s off on her contempt for certain technologies, such as interactive games, social networking sites, instant messaging, and blogs. Yeah, I know there is a lot of pure dung out there about her on blogs, but blogging should not be dismissed with a broad brush. She even has her own blog. Kind of. It’s really more just columns stacked on top of one another. Kind of like right here.

Anyway, there was a caller on today’s show who was complaining that her husband spent a lot of time on games, MySpace, and instant messaging with his friends, and without finding out exactly how much time or exactly what he was using the technologies for, Dr. Laura immediately dismissed him as a “15 year-old” and advised that the woman tell her husband that it was time to put away childish things.

I’m not going to rehash everything from my previous post. But just because the youth is quickest to adapt to new technologies, doesn’t mean using them should be equated with immaturity. I realize that Dr. Laura long ago “made it” and is very successful and got through much of life without these things, but many successful, mature adults with balanced lives find social networking and instant messaging to be a great way to keep in touch with family and friends, work jointly on projects, develop professional contacts, and share experiences with other people in the same situation (expecting mothers in the same month of pregnancy, for one example, or people losing extra weight, for another). In some industries, if you don’t have an online presence you simply don’t exist.

I also fail to see how playing games should be automatically any different than watching TV or reading a magazine, activities during with most people don’t interact with other people in the room.

Dr. Laura understands that men have a need for sex. That drive is there at 15. But she doesn’t accuse horny husbands of being 15. Likewise, some men enjoy playing games. Me? I gave them up when I was a teen, but I know others my age who still play them.

So while some things, like moral rights and wrongs, don’t change and Dr. Laura should stick to her guns, other things, like technology, move on, and change should be embraced, as long as it isn’t illegal, immoral, or fattening.

As for the caller – if that’s the way her man was before they married, she should have discussed what her expectations would be in the marriage BEFORE she ordered the wedding cake. There are very few things about a man that should or will automatically change because he went through a wedding ceremony. I'm sure there are things she does that he doesn't understand.