Wednesday, February 02, 2011

So Many Questions

There's a lot of information missing from this letter. DAZED AND CONFUSED, MISSOULA, MONT wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have an awesome relationship with "Jack."
Great.

He's very attractive, polite, has a good job and is, basically, what I am looking for in a future husband.
Really? Aren't you leaving out a few, more important qualities? Yes, being attractive to you is important, especially if you want kids. Being polite is good, but aren't there a few more important qualities?

My problem? Jack left his longtime girlfriend for me. So how do I know he isn't going to do the same thing to me?
I've seen this very issue end up in divorce. A wife was paranoid about her husband because he left his previous girlfriend for her. Her insecurity became a self-fullfilling problem, and now kids are suffering as a result.

Well now. Her question is the $64,000 one, isn't it? That's one of many reasonas why it is good to only enter relationships with someone who was unattached. I never left a girlfriend for another. One of the problems of someone doing this is that they are less likely to really have figured out what went wrong. Did they pick wrong? Did they act wrong?

Dear Abby responded:

How old are you two? If you're teenagers, then Jack may still have acres of wild oats to sow, and what happened to his former girlfriend could happen to you.
That's a good point. Is the guy old enough to commit and in a place in his life where he'd really be able to? Is he really looking to commit? Does his past behavior indicate he is able to commit? Does he have a religious or otherwise personal moral obligation to commit that overrides the present-day legal negatives for husbands combined with the supply of plentiful casual sex so easy to find?

However, if you are older and mature, then surely you realize that men who are happy and satisfied in their relationships do not usually leave their girlfriends "for" someone. They leave because something they feel is important is missing.
I would insert the word "decent" before "men". A good guy who is truly committed does not leave a woman who treats him right for another woman.

So was his past girlfriend not treating him right? Or is he not a good guy? Jerks can be attractive, after all, even polite. If he simply saw an opportunity to "trade up" and he took it, then you're going to be history when he finds the next step up.

Are you absolutely sure he left her and isn't seeing both of you?

Without knowing more, there are two approaches that can be taken to make sure he doesn't leave you:

1. Check up on him constantly. Make sure you know exactly what he's doing and with whom 60/24/365 and what he's thinking. Do not allow him anything but the bare minimum contact with other women. Don't even let him look at picture of models. Try not to allow him any free time to spend without you.

OR...

2. Be a magnet. Be the kind of woman he couldn't be pried away from with a crowbar. See here, here, here, here, here, and here.

The first option is a lot less fun and actually tends to drive men away after a while. So if you try that, see if you can first get him to agree to have a binding legal agreement placing everything in your name. And crush his self-esteem and hopes.

(Choose option 2.)

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