Adapt or Be Irrelevant

A pitfall of conservatism is when a conservative fails to deal with the reality that things have changed.

I'm not bashing conservatives. Most people would probably classify me as a conservative if I described most of my political and social positions. Obvious exceptions you might have noticed if you've read other entries on this blog is that I warn most men not to marry and I think professional antiporn crusaders are misleading people for personal gain.

I recognize that the truth is the truth regardless of the culture or what is in fashion.

And a truth that conservatives need to deal with is that some things change and if you're going to be effective, you need to meet people where they are.

Let's bring this into the world, to where the rubber meets the road.

Example: State marriage licenses. They are issued to same-sex couples and that's not going to change, unless states cease issuing marriage licenses entirely. Most conservatives have conceded this. Some still appear to be devoting their resources to trying to reverse this shift.

Two talk radio hosts to which I listen via paid podcast subscription, both of whom I think do a lot of good for people, demonstrate the problem with not accepting change.

Dr. Laura, despite what people might think who only know her through what other people say, has always held some positions that go against conservative consensus.

However, she usually refuses to help callers who are cohabitating outside of legal marriage. She usually won't help them with the problem or concern that's coming up within their relationship as it is. Instead, she tells them to either move out or go to the courthouse and get married ASAP. Very few of the callers are going to do either, and dismissing them with that won't help them in their marriage (if they do marry) or interpersonal relationships with each other or others if they do move out from each other.

I am generally against "shacking up" myself. However, most people who marry these days lived together before they did, just like Dr. Laura and her late husband. It's perfectly valid for her to explain why she now opposes shacking up (as long as she doesn't rely on statistics in a misleading way), and she can still do that. But the callers, and a wide swatch of her audience, will benefit more if she deals with things as they are. There are several other examples I could cite when it comes to the Dr. Laura Program.

I don't know of anything more foundational to how Dennis Prager views life and talks/writes about life than the notion that men and women should marry and raise children together, and that it is man's lot in life to financially support a woman. He is so convinced of this he constantly urges men and women to order their life around this. If they aren't married now, they should be actively seeking to marry, including if they've been divorced multiple times. If the Lord Almighty were to part the clouds and boom from the skies with a command to someone walking alongside Dennis that they shouldn't marry, Dennis just might go atheist.

Even though he acknowledges the severe problems with family law and courts, he still urges people to subject themselves to them. He needs to accept that we no longer live in small farming villages on family farms our entire life and don't need to birth our own farm hands. Men and women can both thrive living "alone" or without marriage.

Antiporn crusaders write and talk like scientists who aren't in their tank can't research and network, and that people can't check things out for themselves now. Their claims from forty-plus years ago like porn rots brains and turns people into serial killers are easily debunked now, but they still try to use those scare tactics. Porn isn't going away.

Life has changed, and tactics and positions need to change with it, or someone becomes ineffective.

Know Thyself

Anyone can benefit from doing this, but this is especially for anyone who is one or more of the following:

• Young
• Considering further education or declaring a major
• Looking for a job or to change jobs
• Looking or a new place to live
• Getting out of a marriage or relationship or considering it
• Feeling like you're in a rut or making no progress in your life 
• Facing or considering retirement
  

Believe it or not, your time is limited. To figure out what you should be doing, you really need to understand yourself well. Know thyself.

You're going to need some peace and quiet to do this. No distractions. You'll need time to think, to ponder, to reflect. You'll need to be alone. No spouse, no girlfriend, no friends - alone. No movies, no television, no social media, no books, etc. You want to be alone with your thoughts.

You might need to get a hotel room or motel room. You can only do this at home if you're really, really disciplined in being able to ignore and avoid distractions, and nobody will reach you.

A New Attitude

I need to stop yelling at my wife and kids.

If for no other reason, my kids need one good parent who doesn't abuse or neglect them, and instead will protect them.

I think I know how I’ll be able to. In addition to all of the advice I have been gleaning from multiple sources, some personalized, I have decided that a significant problem has been my expectations. I've been frustrated because I expected my wife to be a functional, effective wife and mother. I expected this because she was eager to be a stay at home mother and I was glad she was eager to be, and that was the plan long before we married. I also expected it because she had been able live on her own and to work full time with children, and was educated in caring for children, child development, nutrition, etc.

But my expectations were not built on the whole truth, because I didn't know the whole truth. I'm not excusing my yelling, just explaining it. My expectations led to my frustrations which led to my yelling. Changing my expectations will be one the factors and that will allow me to stop the yelling. So far, I have restrained myself multiple times due to this shift in expectations.

Everything Changes

One of the reasons to have ceremonies is to mark that something is changing. The wedding ceremony is no exception. Getting married changes everything.

Don't misunderstand.

I'm not saying that getting married will make someone mature or adopt better behaviors.

Getting married, if nothing else, changes your legal and financial status. Usually, it changes your social status. People like me also think entering into holy matrimony is a spiritual change.

I suspect that with some guys, especially those shacking up, the thinking is that getting married won't really change anything, except that there will be an expectation of sexual exclusivity, which presumably had been in place already.

By law, power shifts upon marriage, especially if a groom is earning more than his bride (as most do) and cares about his hard-earned money. Because of that shift in power, along with other aspects, it is quite often the case that everything will change.

The guy who expects that life will continue much as it did before is likely in for a rude awakening.

Fighting Angst

A few years back I heard about “quarter-life crisis” for 20s-somethings. Well, sounds to me like this girl has 1/8th-life crisis. WHO AM I? VALRICO, FLA. wrote in to Deat Abby:

I am a 12-year-old girl who is not happy with who I am.

The good news is there is plenty of time to change that.

When I was younger I always imagined what I'd be like when I was older -- and this is not who I want to be.

Twelve can be a tough age. In many respects you’re just a child and when it comes to priveledges and freedoms, you are treated like one. But you’re also starting to become who you will be as and adult, and you are quite often given obligations and expected to behave as though you are an adult.

I am the girl everyone wants to date.

You sound humble, too.

I have lost people close to me lately and made mistakes I wish I could take back.

Learn. If you really are the girl everyone wants to date, many guys will lash out when you reject them, and other girls will be jealous.

I love God and the fact that He gave me life, but I don't like myself.

Okay, for my readers who aren't theists, bear with me here, or skip to the next quote. God doesn’t expect you to be perfect. What He wants most of all is for you to know Him. Part of that is recognizing that He made you (and that makes you wonderful), asking Him for help, and fessing up to Him when you do make your mistakes. God allows you to carry out His work, knowing full well that you'll make mistakes along the way. Honor His delegation of good deeds.

People treat me like I have no feelings sometimes, and I'm tired of drama that isn't worth my time.

Some people are insensitive, and that's something you're going to have to deal with in life.

I want to change who I am to who I really want to be.

Do you have any tips on how to make myself the person I want to be, and not the person everyone else wants?

Not spefically, since you didn't explain who you want to be. Here's my advice...

Be yourself, but work on improving yourself. Accept that you're not going to be perfect, but you can learn and grow and do/be better. If there is something specific you want as part of your identity, figure out how you're going to get there from here. You can find out from others who have done the same thing how to do it. Break the process down into manageable steps.

You're too young to really be dating, so if a boy is interested in you, ask your parents if you can invite him over to play games or watch a movie or work on schoolwork or a project together. Since so many want to date you, you should be able to pick the best boys out of that bunch.

Speaking of parents, where is your dad? Is he in the picture? If he is and he's not a complete jerk, go to him and tell him what you wrote to Dear Abby, and he'll set you straight. He was once twelve himself.

Very few people your age know exactly how they want their lives as adults and actually end up with that life. But there are those that do. So if you really know how you want things to be, you're young enough that you can steer the ship of your life in the right direction.

Dear Abby had a good response.

At 12, you're not frozen into any role. There is time to change your image. While it may be flattering to be someone "everyone wants to date," you are not obligated to date anyone. Concentrate on improving your grades, becoming active in sports, developing your interests and a stronger relationship with your church. If you do, you will form different kinds of relationships that will enable you to become the person you want to be.

Yes. Learn to play the school grade game well, but also learn how to learn. Those aren't necessarily the same thing. Practicing at least one sport is a good idea, and having a hobby. The church thing is good, and if that isn't enough, find a charity to support with volunteer efforts – you might even be able to find one through your church. Avoid substance abuse, crime, and hanging out with people who engage in those things. Heed this advice, and you'll be ahead of the game.

Can any of you remember what you were thinking at age twelve?

Don't Marry a Druggie

This Dear Margo column is titled "Women Are Not Reform Schools". Best. Title. EVER! Well, not really. But it is a very good thing to remember.

Need Hugs, Not Drugs wrote:

I married a good man less than a year ago, knowing that he had drug and alcohol problems.

BZZZT! We’re done! This is a red flag that most people claim not to see, because they realize how stupid it is to marry someone knowing they have this problem.

These issues mostly stem from the fact that he self-medicates his severe anxiety, but they are also unfortunately prevalent in his No. 1 hobby (music), so they are around him all the time.

None of that excuses it. It should have ADDED to your reason to RUN to the nearest exit.

Although this situation has improved drastically since we first met, the fact is that it’s still an issue.

Look, I love vaginas. I love my wife's most of all (and it is the only one I love nowadays), and I fully expect it is the last vagina I will ever enjoy. But your vagina is not magical. You see improvement and think it is your doing. It is his responsibility, and you should not have taken it on, and you should not keep it on your back.

I want a family, and I'm getting tired of this being a problem.

NO! PLEASE NO!!! Do not subject a kid to this situation. You should have been tired of this problem a long time ago. You signed up for this!

Is it fair to give him a "me or the drugs" ultimatum if I knew he was this way when I married him?

You made a mistake in marrying him. Here are your reasonable options:

1) Leave him. No ultimatum. Simply tell him you made a mistake and you can't be married to a substance abusers. It is up to him to get clean or not, but I wouldn't wait around to see if he really does get clean. Move on with your life.

2) Get your tubes tied and stay with him and do not whine or nag about his substance abuse.

Dear Margo doesn't tell her to leave. She recommends counseling, essentially. Waste of time.

I Love You, I Married You, Now Change

OFFENDED STEPMOM IN WASHINGTON STATE wrote in to Dear Abby:

My 50-year-old husband and his 27-year-old son from a previous marriage like to call each other profane names. Neither one seems to have a problem with it, and argue that they call their buddies these kinds of names.

I am personally offended by profanities and find it disturbing that such language would be used among family members, let alone in front of others.

Wow, it is amazing that this all began after you married your husband.

Oh? What's that? They were doing it all along? And you chose to marry him anyway? Then I guess it couldn't have offended you that much.

Or... are you one of those people that figured you were going to change someone – and how they interact with their own flesh and blood – once you got them to sign on the dotted line?

You should suck it up and shut up (or leave). But you won't will you? You're going to nag your husband about this and tick him off and tick off his son. Just imagine what they're going to call you behind your back.

I don't like it. But I would have thought about that before I married.

When you marry someone, you're taking them AS-IS. If they’re not felled by disease or injury, they will get older - but not necessarily more mature or better. You can't count on them changing for the better or to be more to your liking. Yes, people should grow, but they may not. You can’t change someone else. You can only help them as they choose to change.

Other Planning For Retirement

Before the economy took the huge fall in the last couple of years, the issue of planning for retirement moving far beyond financial. Observers were noting that people who had been used to working all of their lives were having a hard time adjusting to retirement, and their spouses were, too. This is something that is especially true of bosses who were used to everyone following their orders, and automatically bringing them their reading material, coffee, and scheduling their days, etc. These guys wake up, sit down at the breakfast table, and everything is different. And their spouse has to deal with them - and that is a hug adjustment.

Consider what "Mike" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am furious. My wife and I have just had a huge fight - our third in the past six months. The reason? Nine months ago, I retired at age 60, and my wife seems to be angry with me simply for existing. For almost 30 years, we’ve had a great marriage. We worked hard, were prudent when we needed to be and raised two great kids. I did well in my career, and we are financially secure. We both looked forward to my retirement. However, now that I’m actually retired, my wife only seems to want to get me out of my own house!

Okay, so perhaps he needs some outside interests. But he does have some.

Our first fight occurred when she exploded, saying I’m always under foot and need some outside interests. Well, I play golf with buddies twice a week, have a standing lunch with colleagues once a week and go to my health club almost daily. I am out of the house more than she is! Traveling helps, but it’s the same song once we return home.

So it isn't like he's home all of the time, though he certainly is home a lot more than he used to be. He’s deeply hurt by his wife's reaction.

I always had a low opinion of these guys who divorce their wives late in life and take up with some "trophy wife," but now I’m empathetic. I am heartbroken and angry at the same time. I am this close to telling her to get out of my house and looking for someone with whom I can actually enjoy my retirement. Mostly, I can’t believe this is happening, and I feel my love for her dying a little bit every day.

He needs a man cave, like I have (although I almost never spend time in there). Can part of the house be turned into a den? How about the garage? From the letter, it sounds like a big house so there has to be part of the house he can transform into his corner where he can go and be out of her hair.

Dear Margo responded:

I think counseling is in order, and the adjustment needs to be your wife's. You might point out that some retired guys get a red sports car and are "out" quite a bit.

Woah! She did side with the guy big time on that one.

My wife says she never wants me to be away, but then she's never had to put up with me being around all day, day in and day out. I know that although I very much like my time alone, I've never felt annoyed at her presence - but again, I'm not with her all day every day for months on end.

Ugly Ducklings

I wrote recently that my voice is one of my more attractive features, from what others have told me. The funny thing is, when I was growing up I hated my voice. I was convinced it was annoying to people, based on how it sounded to me when I heard myself on a recording – hoarse.
But then I grew up. My voice got full and deep. I also developed an ability to mimic other voices very well that has been good for laughs.

I think it was actress Denise Richards who I saw on a late night talk show, talking about how, when she was growing as a teen, her classmates made fun of how she looked - her legs and lips, in particular. But she grew up filled out, and made a good living on large part because a lot of people found her sexy or beautiful.

Dr. Laura says on her radio show that her parents heard from her school over and over again that she talked too much. Now she has a huge career, largely from talking.

Do you have some aspect of yourself that used to be a negative, or you thought of it as a negative, but through time or change & growth, it has become one of your best features/abilities?