Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Making Up and Something New

One of the things I love about my marriage is that my wife and I can't stay hostile very long. Much of the damage recently done, detailed in my previous entry, was repaired within a few days. I was still telling her "I love you", still kissing her (albeit just pecks), and still hugging her, though mostly in response to her rather than initiating. She's not stupid. She knew I was upset.

My wife had thought I was angry – angry about her calling me "fixated". But it wasn't that. I was hurt. I was hurt about the other things.

As with my previous entry, this is going to get detailed about lovemaking, so don't read it if you don't want to.

The male ego is very fragile, especially when it comes to our sexuality and our wives. In addition, the most enjoyable thing for me about lovemaking (and I enjoy so many things about lovemaking) is bringing pleasure to my wife and being close to her. I like every inch of her and I want to experience her as much as I can, to the point that something like leaking breast milk (not an issue anymore) can be a turn on for me rather than a turn off. I have no itch to crouch down in the shower to receive a “golden shower” from her, but the thought does not turn me off, because it is her.

It would be so nice if it was the same for her when it comes to me. The fact is, it isn't. But we can still have enjoyable, passionate, intimate lovemaking, as demonstrated the other night.

So she was doing the mercy oral thing (it was one of those nights she didn't want to be kept awake for hours due to having an orgasm herself), and it is difficult for a husband stay hurt or grumpy when his wife is so lovingly attending to his first and lifetime buddy, so I did a very stupid thing. I asked, "Are you okay with this?"

That ticked her off. She asked if there was anything sexual that she'd let go on for more than two weeks that she wasn't okay with.

I replied, "Not that I know of."

Asking "Are you okay with this" was stupid on my part, because she wasn't going to get any points for simply saying yes, and if she said she didn't like it (she has claimed in the past that she does) then it would ruin the experience for me. I know some guys are different, and like the idea that a woman loves them so much she'll do it even though she doesn't like to, but I am mostly focusing on making her feel comfortable and loved, and so it is not so easy for me to sit back passively while she does something for my pleasure unless she enjoys doing it. She may very well not like it some days, and like it others. Or could be learning to like it. The best response she could have given was "Mmmmm, I looove it." But that's not her.

She said she's not a porn star. But I didn't get my ideas, desires, or expectations from porn. I don't think I'd ever really seen a porn video before I started fornicating. I know there are women who would enjoy fellatio more, and some who like not only doing it to completion, but some who like swallowing.

My wife mentioned not wanting to vomit, and I said that it wasn't a good idea to talk about vomit when I'm trying to get and maintain an erection.

We've made up, but the completion is still an issue. She said she searched for tips and didn't have much luck, but what good are tips going to be if she is so disgusted by the taste/temperature/texture? I half-jokingly told her she just needs to deep throat. Seriously, perhaps there is something she can have in her mouth already to aid the experience for both of us? Unless we figure out something, it is going to stay with the current Standard Operating Procedure... she'll get away from there once my orgasm in inevitable... which diminishes the orgasm.

I confessed to her about the responses I'd considered, which I wrote about, to try to give her an idea of how I felt about the situation. (The situation being she not only completed, but swallowed all three times she fellated me leading up to our wedding, but now she "can't" complete and got upset about me making a suggestion.)

She repeatedly told me I'm not gross and my ejaculate is not gross. I joked that anything you're not willing to have in your mouth must be gross, then cited examples as to why my statement was absurd.

She also cited that she had been able to go without sex until we married (and she wasn't a teen when we married). I told her that sounds like "I don't like sex." I wasn't meaning to be contentious, just point out to her that along with talking about vomiting, some talk is not exactly going to light my fire in bed.

Despite all of that, the night ended well. We were planning to spend some time at her parents' place the next day and she told me she didn't want her mother detecting the tension, since her mother is very good at that. So that is why we had to make up when we did. I told her we're going to be going over to her parents' a lot more often then.

We capped off the night with fellatio, including an (attempted?) prostate massage – something I had never experienced before. It definitely felt different. It also had to be something she thought about ahead of time, because she had to trim at least one of her fingernails. Another sign was that she had wanted me to wash up really good just before. It wasn't something that I had asked for, but something she knew I had grown to be open to. In the past, I would have flatly rejected the idea.

If I haven't scared you off and you're still reading this, I am open to feedback and suggestions, as always. But I see again that in many ways, I picked a very good woman to marry because despite the problems we still have, we generally have a good time together and work through things.

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