What Should A Rejected Spouse Do?

What are the options when one partner wants sex far more often than the other?

There are people, including women, who point out that spouses are entitled to sex from each other and that one spouse should not deprive the other except temporarily for mutual consent. As such, one account on Twitter cited an instance in which a wife declined her husband's request for sex, only to wake up later in the middle of the night with him doing things anyway.

The law and our culture both say that this is rape.

The person describing the instance says that the wife should give her husband grace.

(I want to make it clear that it is a major turn-off to me if she doesn't want it, so I wouldn't be in this guy's position even if I believed it was OK.)

In the Biblical framework, spouses owe each other sex. General consent to sex is part of getting married. Don't like it? Don't marry. Of course, people who don't consider the Bible an authority can, with integrity, ignore what the Bible says. But someone who claims to care what the Bible teaches can't.

As far as the law, our laws will force the higher earning spouse to financially support the other spouse, no matter what. By marrying, the higher earning spouse is giving general, ongoing consent to this, and crying "slavery!" later or saying "I don't feel like it" won't change it. And although our laws, in some places, still allow a spouse to sue for "alienation of affection" in the event of an affair and "loss of consortium" for any number of things done to their spouse, other than that, the law does not say one spouse owes the other sex. Think about that. If your wife doesn't feel like sex because her employer committed illegal discrimination against her, you can claim "loss of consortium" as one of the reasons her employer owes you money. But you're not owed sex. Laws aren't always consistent.

The woman who said the wife should give her husband grace, and people like her, would also say a husband viewing porn is a terrible sin, even masturbating without porn would be. In their beliefs, a person's sole sexual stimulant or outlet should be their spouse. No sex outside of marriage is acceptable.

When a caller to Dr. Laura presents the situation of a husband wanting more sex and the wife not wanting to meet him at his level, Dr. Laura usually will provide the options as follows:

A) Wife has sex more often with the husband
B) Husband leaves
C) Husband hires sex workers
D) Husband gets a girlfriend on the side
E) Husband masturbates to porn

She says the wife can pick one. Of course, most of the wives don't want any of those. They want option F, which is just that the husband just be completely sexually frustrated. But in Dr. Laura's mind, even though she isn't a Christian nor a Bible believer in the conventional sense, a husband is owed sex because he's paid for it by laying down his life and signing a state contract that financially obligates him.

While sometimes the wife wants it more than the husband, it is usually the husband who wants it more. The norms of various cultures have dealt with this throughout history with polygyny (multiple wives), prostitution, and mistresses. Most American women reject that. Some of them encourage or "allow" their husband or boyfriend to use masturbation, porn, and toys. Other women don't.

Culturally and legally, there is no shame applied at all to men who stay free and run game, who can have sex any night they want. If one woman isn't in the mood, he just moves on to the next woman in his phone's list of contacts, until he finds one who will welcome him. He doesn't need to share his earnings, or run errands, do chores, romance her, go on long walks, listen to her ramble on, or even buy her dinner. He doesn't need to care for her when she's sick, or deal with her parents or siblings, or even her friends. Nope. All he needs to do is text her when he wants some, and show up. He can repeat this with a different woman every night. Meanwhile, the Good Husband can go night after night, for weeks, months, even years, being rejected and going sexless no matter how good of a husband he is. And if he decides he can't take it anymore, he'll have to give up at least half of everything, pay for two legal teams, and likely pay ongoing alimony, maybe even for life.

Which one of those two guys will most men choose to be, if they really grasp that they have a choice? Of course there's always the "monk mode" choice, too, of staying free and not bothering with the sex. We are seeing men make these choices.

I urge men not to assault or harass or otherwise burden women. Only see them when they want you.

Why Married Men Should Have an Affair

To Whom Does Your Body Belong?

Is It OK For a Spouse to Withhold Sex?

Rejecting Your Man

When A Wife Rejects Her Husband

One Flesh or Not?

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 11

 

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here and Part 9 here and Part 10 here.

Marriage channels male sexuality.

This is an unproven assertion. It depends entirely on the opinions of the person asserting it and how they are defining terms. The words used can mean different things. But there is no definitive, clear way to prove that John Doe is better behaved because he married, or his dis-likeable behavior is because he's unmarried. It's one of those statements that sounds good, and marriage sellers simply rely on people nodding their head in agreement rather than questioning what it even means.

Most marriages in the USA (and maybe another country you're in) involve the expectation of monogamy, or at least the wife's veto over the husband's sexual desires. This is usually what the marriage seller means: beating a man down. Putting him on a leash (and not in the kinky way). Putting aside swinging, threesomes, hotwifing (ask Jerry Falwell Jr. to explain that one to you), polyamory, "plural marriage," and other forms of having the wife officially on board with her husband having other partners, many married men still have mistresses and affair partners, flings/one night stands, or go to prostitutes.

It might help to ask the marriage seller who uses this argument "What do you mean by that?" Maybe they will hallucinate about an imaginary person, or they will tell on themselves.

What exactly are they afraid would happen if even fewer men married? Men who want to have sex with women can't have sex with women unless those women agree or unless it is rape. So are they worried that a man who decides not to marry is going to rape? Or that he's going to get consent from many different women? Or... what exactly? If they're worried about rape, what they're telling you is that a woman should marry a rapist because they think it's more likely he'll only rape her. If they are worried the man is going to conceive children he won't take care of, well, plenty of married men do that. But how about encouraging vasectomies? If they claim "children without fathers" is their concern, ask them if it would be OK if he had a vasectomy, or was only with women incapable of conceiving or they always avoided intercourse.

It's funny that some of the same marriage sellers who make this assertion also say that married men get more sex. So... unmarried men have "unchanneled" sexuality, but aren't having much sex? That would be their claim, anyway.

This assertion might boil down to "I don't like the way you/other unmarried men are carrying on." So what? So what if this other person doesn't like it? I see husbands and wives do a lot of things I don't like.

Again, varying replies might work, depending.

A) Running game also channels male sexuality.

B) Male sexuality can be channeled without a terrible state contract.

C) I channel my sexuality very well without a terrible state contract.

D) Men can be monogamous or otherwise restrained or responsible in their sexuality without a terrible state contract.

E) Marriage starves male sexuality.

As with many other things in life, do not simply accept assertions and claims as true without questioning them. So many of the arguments marriage sellers use are flimsy and depend on you simply accepting a platitude.

Why Married Men Should Have An Affair

I'm for harm reduction.

Most married men want sex more than their wife, and many of them get rejected, some more often than others. Now, many men in that situation turn to adult media (porn), as we know they should never pester their wife. However, considering everything I've seen from people and organizations like Laila Mickelwait, Justice Defense Fund, Exodus Cry, Fight the New Drug, No Fap, Your Brain on Born, Daily Wire, National Center on Sexual Exploitation, churches I have attended, and so many more, - it's clearly less harmful to have an affair with someone you know, like a neighbor.

Here, I'll demonstrate:

Porn: Addictive
Affair: Not addictive

Porn: Often necessitates time in rehab
Affair: Need for rehab much less likely

Porn: Causes some men to spend hours and hours in isolation
Affair: Usually doesn't take up that much time and isn't in isolation

Porn: Multi-billion dollar industry
Affair: Eh, maybe some gifts here and there

Porn: Rots brains
Affair: Doesn't rot brains

Porn: Causes sex trafficking
Affair: Doesn't cause trafficking

Porn: Causes unrealistic expectations in young men
Affair: Causes no expectations in any other young men

Porn: Damaging to real sex
Affair: Is real sex

Porn: Is filmed rape
Affair: Not filmed, not rape

Porn: Supports "revenge" porn, uploaded nonconsensually
Affair: Doesn't support revenge porn

Porn: You can't be sure the performers consented
Affair: You won't be doing anything without her consent

Porn: You can't tell if the performers are really adults
Affair: You know she's an adult

Porn: Is violence
Affair: Not violence

Porn: Turns people into rapists and serial killers
Affair: Doesn't turn people into rapists and serial killers

Porn: Causes ED
Affair: Doesn't cause ED

Porn: Performers are abused
Affair: You won't abuse her

Porn: Performers get injured
Affair: You won't injure her

Porn: She's only doing it because she's desperate for money
Affair: Don't give her money so you are making sure she just wants sex for the sake of having sex

Porn: Some performers abuse substances
Affair: You can choose to only have an affair with someone who is sober

Porn: Kids find it
Affair: You won't let that happen

Porn: Constant novelty
Affair: Just one person

Since I'm reliably assured that porn is "adultery, infidelity, cheating" and many ministries I know of spend far more time talking about the evils of porn than having sex with a neighbor, and considering everything I've observed as stated above, clearly the less harmful option is to have an affair, especially if it avoids marital rape.

...Right?

(I've never had an affair and I don't advise it.)

Cause and Effect - Rejecting Your Man

Ladies, if you're married or in a relationship with a man in which you are expecting sexual exclusivity, it is important for you to know something in case you haven't picked up on it before or nobody else has told you yet.

If your man has a libido, and you sexually reject him, that rejection will usually have unpleasant consequences unless the rejection is very rare. What counts as "rejection?" It can range from repeatedly delaying or declining some form or all forms of sex to refusing to try things in which he's expressed interest. Rejection includes him not even bothering to ask/try because he has good reason to believe he'll be shot down. It also includes letting yourself go to the point he loses attraction, or picking fights or nagging to the point he wants nothing to do with you.

The consequences are likely to be one or more of the following, in no particular order:

1. He will be less motivated to do things for you. This ranges from chores you want done that he doesn't care much about to anniversary celebrations, vacations, and expensive gifts.
   
   
2. He will be less open with you about his feelings, desires, fantasies, and thoughts.
   
   
3. He will cut back on other forms of affection and intimacy. This might mean spending less time with you, less touch, fewer compliments, etc.
   
   
4. He will be irritable, grumpy, or snarky.
   
   
5. He will occupy himself or numb the pain with substances (food, alcohol, tobacco, cannabis, etc.) or more hobbies/more time on hobbies that don't involve you.
   
   
6. He will masturbate (more), and that masturbation will be likely to involve porn (visual and written), videos and images of exes or other people he knows, memories and fantasies of exes, fantasies of other people, etc.
   
   
7. He will get it elsewhere.
   
1. Ongoing affairs
2. Flings
3. Hookups/One night stands/Booty calls
4. Sex worker
5. Sexting/Video chat/chats/online forums/apps
    
8. He will leave.
   

He might not think "Because she won't do this, I'm going to do that." Maybe he will, maybe it will just be what happens without him actually thinking it through. I'm not saying these things are all right or justified. Nor am I saying you should do things you don't want to do. I'm not denying some men behave this way even if you're a great lover. I'm simply informing you of reality: men react in these ways to sexual rejection by a woman they expect to be their lover. Don't expect he'll warn you about these things ahead of time or tell you after the fact, even if you ask him directly. What's his incentive to tell you?

You might not care. You might have things the way you want them. But you're most likely delusional if you think there is no consequence you don't like when you reject him.
 
If you can't handle this, it might be a good idea not to ask for, or agree to, a supposedly exclusive relationship. Or, resolve to be a good, enthusiastic, available lover to him, because if you've picked a good man and you treat him right, he's not going to leave or go elsewhere, and he will do what he can to meet your needs and desires.

How to Prevent Domestic Violence, Cheating, and Divorce

This is how you can prevent domestic violence, cheating, and divorce:

Do not marry.

Do not live together.

Do not promise nor expect exclusivity.

Free Men who want to remain free men in good standing do not engage in rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence, stealthing, stalking, or revenge porn.

Free men, if they want sex, run game, which ensures that they don't waste time with women who do not want sex. Free men do not marry nor live with women. Free men do not agree to exclusivity. This prevents domestic violence, cheating, and divorce. It also prevents rape.

More men should be Free Men.

Yet Another Example of Why Men Avoid Marriage

AT A CROSSROADS is a beaten dog who wrote  into Dear Abby:

I met my wife in college.

Bad move, unless he didn't get serious with her until later. College is great for playing the field.

We have been married for 40 years and have two adult sons.

Forty years of marriage is important to the rest of the letter.

My wife had a brief affair early in our marriage, but we have long since moved on from that.

Then there was no reason to mention it, right? Oh, but there is. If they didn't have kids at the time, he should have hit the eject button.

However, increasingly over the last 15 years, my wife (career homemaker, her choice)

Of course it was! If he left her, he'd have to pay!

has been aggressively making demands in exchange for anything she does for me -- i.e., if I don't buy her something, she won't cook dinner, do laundry or have sex.

Please send this to any guy you know who might get married.

I buy her things all the time, and I give her an allowance, roughly 70% of my take-home pay. Some of her demands I simply cannot afford, so I often cook, clean, etc., myself. As a result, we haven't had sex in more than 10 years.

This is marriage, guys. Most marriages are like this or are closer to this than being good marriages.

OK, before we get into the next part of the letter, it has already been established that he doesn't have a marriage. What he has is state-enforced slavery, with the option of physically leaving but still being financially enslaved.

Two years ago, I met a younger woman. She is also married, although separated.

How does he know that?

She still shares a home with her husband and their two children.

While it might be legally possible in some places, that sure doesn't sound like separation.

We meet as often as we can and I find her delightful and easy to get along with.

For now. She's auditioning.

Lately, she has been saying she wants us to leave our situations and get married.

Why would you ever want to remarry?!? You like things with her now. That's not marriage. Even so, wait for her leave her husband and prove it. Don't make any changes that take her into account until she has at least done that.

My concern is twofold. First, when my wife gets angry, she threatens to divorce me and take everything I've got, even if it costs her everything as well. She does not bluff.

She could and would do that even if she never said that to you. That's what happens if a wife doesn't earn income and the marriage goes on for decades.

Second, my girlfriend is so much younger than I am that I'm concerned that while things are great now, I'll be an elderly man in the not too distant future and could be a burden to her. What are your thoughts?

I have to wonder: What have you been spending on this girlfriend? How much more money do you have than her?

Never operate under the assumption that any woman will continue to be a positive presence in your life. Even if you both divorced and married each others, the odds are slim that marriage would work out well. Do not promise this woman anything, and don't limit yourself.

Your marriage is over. It has been over for a long time. But if you can keep out of the family courts for the rest of your life, and avoid paying for two legal teams, that would be great. So, if you want female companionship, run game as discretely as you can. Don't worry about pleasing your wife, but it's best she never have definitive proof you're with other women. Although statistically unlikely, the best thing for you would be for her to drop dead soon, with you outliving her many years so you can have some peace.

Unmarried guys, I hope you're seeing that that the best way to "win" at marriage is to NOT PLAY.

Dear Abby responded:

If the only thing keeping you in this unhappy marriage is fear, contact an attorney to discuss what a divorce would cost you financially.

As she has done with other situations, Dear Abby could have asked an attorney. Maybe she did, but doesn't want to print the results.

This guy is SCREWED. If he were to divorce, he'd lose at least half of everything, and on top of that, he'd have to pay for both legal teams AND likely pay significant ongoing alimony for the rest of his life. His wife and the attorneys would stretching things out as long as they could, milking his paycheck. HE... IS... SCREWED. THAT is the crappy family law we have.

Stay free, men.

Dennis Prager's Obsession With Marriage Clouds His Thinking

Dennis Prager is has an extremely strong emotional fixation on marriage. He's so worried that someone might have a great life without being married that he wants everyone to get married before that can happen, and if that marriage fails, to get married again, as soon as possible. Lather, rinse, repeat. He apparently dismisses or refuses to accept that there are valid reasons someone might not want to legally marry, much less marry at all. This is one reason he's in his third marriage.

He advocated for marrying again with his Wednesday, July 27, 2022 "Male/Female Hour," which he calls the most honest talk in media about the subject of men and women, even though he's never had a marriage striker on during that hour.

His advocacy for signing that terrible state contract was presented as a discussion about whether or not people who are dating each other rather than married or at least engaged can require the same level of fidelity as being married (or engaged). He thinks even if someone has been dating just one other person regularly for years (maybe even shacking up or with kids together - he never addressed that) there is no obligation to NOT date them as a new dating partner. Because, you know, the new love interest might marry them, and that's what REALLY matters to Dennis Prager, even though, quite obviously, the marriage might not last.

Now, I am of the mindset that nobody should assume monogamy, and I'd advise most men decline to agree to monogamy unless they're foolish enough to marry or raise children. But I must reply to some of Dennis Prager's statements.

When A Wife Rejects Her Husband

A lot of husbands and now-ex-husbands know the pain of a sexually rejecting wife. By "rejecting" I mean at least one of the following:

1. Refusing to have sex at all.

2. Only agreeing to sex infrequently. "Infrequently" is a relative term. If they were having some form of sex every day for years and now she only agrees to sex once per week even though no changes in their life would prevent her from agreeing more frequently, that's rejection. Other husbands WISH they could get it once per week. They might get it once a month or a couple of times per year.

3. Reducing sexual options to a bare minimum. This could mean rejecting acts she used to do, especially if she did them before they had kids or before they married. It could be consistently restricting sex to intercourse or manual sex even though he has told her he wants to other other common sex acts. It could be her impersonating a corpse (when she knows her husband isn't into that sort of thing). 

4. Transforming her appearance and/or changing her behavior in ways that will kill his attraction. Significant weight gain; shortening her hair and/or changing her hair style/color to something he doesn't like; always wearing frumpy clothes when she used to wear sexy vestments; poor grooming/hygiene; cruel, belittling, or disrespectful statements (when he isn't into that sort of thing); expressing her general dislike of sex when she previously at least pretended to enjoy it - these are all forms of rejection, make no mistake about it. 

5. Starfishing. She might say something, with a sigh of exasperation or contempt, “OK, if YOU really want to!” …if she says anything at all, then imitates a corpse or starfish. She might even tell him to hurry up and otherwise make it very clear she’s only doing this as mercy to him. 

Vows Vary

Dr. Laura read a letter at the end of the Wednesday, May 13, 2020 show from the wife of a caller. The wife explained that her husband had called claiming that there were sexual problems in the relationship. The letter writer explained, because he never said so during the call, that her husband had been trying to get her to have sex with other men. (There is a whole fetish or two about that.) [This entry has been bumped up.]

Dr. Laura again talked about "breaking vows".

More Relationship Joy From Dear Abby Column

Both letters in a recent Dear Abby column caught my eye.

BEWILDERED IN CANADA wrote:

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman.

BIG MISTAKE. Canada is NOT a place a man should want to get legally married, let alone for a second time.

Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn't like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months.

That should have been the end of it.

A Scandalous Skank

Today's Dear Abby featured what Tom Leykis calls a scandalous skank.

IS HE THE ONE FOR ME? wrote:

My husband and I are both active duty military. We have been married for three years and have an 18-month-old daughter together.

Who is raising that kid?

My husband is sweet, handsome and a great father.

So a great guy then, huh?

We got married very quickly, and I think that's where our problems began.

Yeah, you could have left out "very quickly" and it would have been the same.

He isn't good at communication or showing affection, which leaves me feeling lonely.

She just said he was sweet.

This, on top of being separated several times due to the military, makes for a very shaky marriage.

If only you could have known what jobs you'd have before you married!

OK, brace yourselves...

I have cheated on him with eight different people since our wedding. The affair I am most ashamed of was when I was pregnant with our daughter.

How does he even know that the kid is biologically his???

I'm currently in counseling, but I'm still unable to curb my cravings.

You had to have known you were like this. Why did you marry? Oh, that's right. MONEY AND BENEFITS!

He always forgives me and allows us to continue being married.

So, either this guy likes being walked all over, or he's banging every skirt around.

The problem is, I don't know if he's really the one for me.

Wasn't that supposed to be considered BEFORE AGREEING TO MARRY HIM???

Gee guys, why aren't you rushing to get married???

Don't Sign Up For This

Two letters to Dear Abby and an obituary notice are something to behold, guys.
A SECOND CHANCE wrote to Dear Abby:

Because I was sexually abused as a child, I have difficulty trusting men.

DONE. That's a big "DO NOT TOUCH" sign right there. That's how she started the letter.

My oldest sons have different fathers. While they were toddlers, I met the father of my youngest two sons.

She trusted three men enough to let them stick it in her and knock her up. Who knows how many other men have been there? Doesn't that take some level of trust?

Do You Have a Commitment?

Ladies, after listening closely to Dr. Laura for many, many years, I know how to tell if you have are in a committed relationship. Some of you think you're in a committed relationship, but you're really not. I've tried to keep this as simple as possible.


Do You Have a Commitment?

Matt Walsh on Falling In Love

Matt Walsh gets a lot right a lot of the time. Overall, he makes a good point about romantic love in this column provocatively titled "I Didn't Fall In Love With My Wife". He says:

We’re bad at it because we don’t understand it, and we don’t understand it because we don’t understand love. You can’t forge a lasting marriage if all you know about love is what you learned from an Ed Sheeran song.

OK.

But here’s the reality: these were our choices, every step of the way, and that state which we’ve found ourselves falling in and out of is not real love. Real love is an act of will. A decision. A conscious activity. It is something you do and live. Love is chosen, and if it is protected and nurtured, it grows. Love is sacrifice. Love is effort.

Emphasis mine, to point out that marriage sellers themselves say these things over and over again.

He says it again:

Love is dying to the self.

If you don't want to die to yourself, don't marry! I know he says "love" but you can bet your donkey that Walsh would say that requires you marry your romantic interest.

Are These Double Standards or Not?

I'll get back to blogging about my marriage and life sooner or later. For now, it is time for another entry dealing with things said by my favorite (and I'm NOT being sarcastic - she's awesome) talk show host.

Recently, a woman called Dr. Laura to ask about having an open or polyamorous marriage or relationship. Dr. Laura asked if the woman's boyfriend of husband was asking for it, but that got shot down immediately by the woman saying it was what she wanted. This was clearly a Clueless Caller type #2 from my Dr. Laura Show Bingo.

Actually, I think Dr. Laura was very gentle with the woman, while still making it clear that since typical marriage vows include "forsaking all others", having sex with anyone other than your spouse (even with your spouse participating, present, or your spouse's permission) is a violation of the "sacred" vows. The caller probably had a specific third person in mind, but I don't recall she indicated whether the third person was a woman or a man. Since Dr. Laura doesn't believe bisexuality exists, if the caller had mentioned it was a woman, Dr. Laura would have told her she's a lesbian. Anyway, so the part of the vows (assuming someone even says them) including "forsaking all others" mandates sexual exclusivity. I agree with that. Here's where the possible double standard comes in. Most people who say that vow also vow "until death do us part", but Dr. Laura apparently considers that vow less sacred, at least if the married couple has no minor children together. See #15 on the Bingo sheet.

This previous entry (see #7 and #11) touches on these issues.

The other possible double standard comes with how people meet the person they're dating. Dr. Laura is, how should I put it, less than impressed with online dating/matchmaking services. She flat-out tells people not to use them. A caller toward the end of the second hour on Thursday, 11/20/2014, had been dating a guy for only a month after finding him through a dating website. Let me repeat: only a month. Dr. Laura told her it was mandatory she meet his friends and/or relatives before having another date with him. And yes, while Dr. Laura advises people looking to date (which means for Dr. Laura someone looking to get married) tell the people they respect and admire in their life, whose judgment they trust that they want to be formally introduced to quality people. The possible double standard is that I've never heard her tell someone who met their date at work, or at the gym, or anywhere else that didn't involve first making contact online, that they had to meet their date's family or friends by one month in.

I agree that, if you're looking for a spouse, it is very important verify the person is who they represent themselves to be, and it is important to meet their loved ones or anyone else who is going to be a regular part of their life and see the interpersonal dynamics at work. Meeting someone through an online connection doesn't make it more or less necessary.

So... what do you think? Are these double standards? Are there logical explanations for them not being double standards? Again, I agree with the underlying principles of the importance of monogamy and really knowing who a person is.

Kobe Bryant: Another Poster Boy For the Marriage Strike

None of us really know what was going on in the marriage of Kobe and Vanessa Bryant. Let's get that out of the way up front. However, we can make some educated guesses and note some realities that we're sure about:

1. They got married young.

2. NBA basketball players, especially superstars, have women constantly offering them sex; that is only part of the hero worship and butt-kissing they get. They are on the road a lot of their careers.

3. Kobe Bryant admitted to infidelity; at least one woman accused him of assault/rape.

4. Everyone knew Kobe Bryant was going to make hundreds of millions of dollars between his pay for the NBA and endorsements.

5. There was no prenup. In California, generally... ten years of marriage or more generally means lifetime alimony and everything acquired during the marriage is "community property" and split 50/50.

6. They have kids, and I expect Kobe will have to pay "child support" on top of everything else he will be paying. I put child support in quotes because it will be many times the amount it takes to actually support a child.

7. Kobe Bryant fulfilled the "traditional" role of bring home income... very, very well.

8. Vanessa Bryant probably didn't have to do much cooking, cleaning, laundry, or many of the other things homemakers have traditionally done. Did they children ever not have a nanny around?

An elite few men will ever make anything like the money Kobe does, or be the best in their field. But as extreme of an example as it is, this situation is still an example of why some guys do, or should, avoid marriage, or at least have a prenup.

This is what Janis Carr and Sean Emery reported in the Orange County Register...

According to Orange County Superior Court records, a petition to dissolve the couple’s marriage was filed by Vanessa Bryant and response was filed by Kobe Bryant on the same day.

As is the case with the majority of divorce, she's the one who filed.

A report on TMZ.com said the Lakers guard, who was accused of sexually assaulting a Colorado woman in 2003, was unfaithful again.

It is a rare man who can resist the temptation thrown at an NBA superstar.

The Bryants have been married for 10 1/2 years, having wed April 18, 2001 in a small ceremony in Corona del Mar. They have two daughters, Natalia Diamante, 8, and Gianna Maria, 5.

The couple reportedly does not have a prenuptial agreement, which means Vanessa could be entitled to half of Bryant’s net worth, estimated at $360 million. He signed a three-year contract extension in last year worth nearly $90 million that will keep him with the Lakers through the 2013-14 season and he has endorsements with Nike, Turkish Airlines, Nubeo watches and Vitamin Water brand of drinks.

Call me cynical, but I'm highly suspicious of the timing. Why not a year ago? Could it be because if they split after nine and a half years, she would have stopped getting alimony less than five years down the line?

Whatever you think of professional basketball, it involves a lot of hard work and is high-pressure. This isn't a matter of a couple of people looking at a middle-class life in which the wife could have had a career that paid as much or more as the husband's, and they jointly agree that she would take care of the kids and he would take care of her. Vanessa not only wasn't out there sprinting back and forth all night, jumping, throwing, etc... and appearing in ads... but she couldn't possibly have done it. And yet she's going to get half... more than half, really... of what he was paid.

And before anyone comes back with "but he cheated - he deserves to pay"... How do we know she didn't cheat? How do we know what kind of wife she was? She may or may not have broken other vows. But none of it matters because California is a no-fault divorce state. It doesn't matter if Kobe was cheating with Shaq, or if he had been the perfect husband. His mistake was either getting married or not getting a prenup. Because if she truly is leaving him over infidelity, rather than the lure of autonomy over hundreds of millions of dollars, the odds were overwhelming that he was going to cheat. He should not have married, or he should have married someone who didn't expect monogamy.

Hopefully, for the kids, they will reconcile. If not, may they both focus on raising those kids instead of being tabloid fodder running around with different lovers. Kobe: stay away from the Kardashians.

Most people should get prenups, because even if you marry someone who is loyal, dedicated, and against divorce, everything can change with a brain injury (accident, tumor, some disease) that changes their personality. The laws of the state and the judges sitting in the courtrooms already have a prenup for all of us. Why let strangers decide?

But Wait, There's More!

Recently I blogged about how I was not feeling great about our upcoming vacation.

Well, things have gotten even better.

A few weeks ago, everyone was over at the in-laws' home for an event that involved my wife's family, my family, and my sister-in-law's in-laws.

As a sister of mine was leaving, my father-in-law essentially made a verbal pass at her, albeit one that might possibly be chalked up to being a clumsy, and thus inappropriate, compliment. That possibility would normally be slight, but considering the guy's history, the possibility evaporates. He doesn't get that benefit. When Tiger Woods was busted? My FIL got in trouble. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was busted? My FIL got in trouble.

My sister, a sweet woman but no paragon of virtue, was creeped out enough to have nightmares about it. She told me about the incident several days later. I told my wife as soon as the timing was right (meaning, the kids were asleep and I could hold her hand and talk with her calmly, face to face.

My wife was horrified.

She told her siblings.

It was decided by all that it was best not to tell my mother-in-law. She would not do anything positive or protective with the information, and would almost certainly use the information as an excuse to get drunk and go into a rage.

My brother-in-law said he'd talk with his father about it.

I figured... okay, that's over and done with. We even got together again with no big deal.

But then my wife decided to call her father (when she knew her mother would not be around) and chastise him. He apologized repeatedly with qualifications. Then he apologized without qualification. Apparently, he let the call change his mood, and later in the evening my mother-in-law noticed, asked him what was going on, and rather than going with some other, easily available explanation, my Ivy League-genius father-in-law confessed to her.

This is going to be very interesting, going on this trip with them. Will we even make it, considering we were planning on sharing rides to the airport? Will something happen on the flight? Will the timeshare unit be mildly chilly or a minefield?

Stay tuned! Provided I survive, I will tell you what happens.

Another Closeted Hubby

Painful. I've written about this before, and got a comment from a woman who was put into a similar position. HELPLESS IN MIAMI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay.

That’s an awful long time. How often did you have sex? Perhaps he's bisexual? I just know that I could not fake it with a man for 35 years, because I'm straight. And that would become apparently rather quickly. Women can "fake it" much easier than men.

I never suspected and I am stunned.

There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that back when you married, there was more pressure for gays to be closeted.

We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.

Okay.

I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen.

Well, it could have been worse. You could have walked in on him with another man, or someone else could have.

It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything.

That must have been a load off for him, but quite painful for you.

He has been with men since before our marriage.

Pressure or not, he should never have married you. On the other hand, consider your children and grandchildren that resulted.

He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.

Well, that's good.

I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered… I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me.

Do you care about having sex with anyone again? If not, why not stay put and be friends and roommates, if you can be friends with someone who kept such a big thing secret from you all of those years. He'll always be the father of your children, after all.

I feel like I'm in prison.

How so, exactly? If you do want sex and romantic love, then yes, get out. But if not, and if you otherwise enjoy his company, you might want to stay.

Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.

I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.

When The Sheen Wears Off the Fantasy

Idealistic and narcissistic women think they have a magic vagina that will change troubled males into good husbands and fathers. And there are some women who want, on some level, to be mistreated. That’s why women take on and keep boyfriends who are abusive or otherwise a mess who are in no condition to have a healthy relationship. When it comes to guys like Charlie Sheen, there's the added lure for gold diggers and attention whores of money and fame.

Brooke Mueller should have had ample indication that Sheen was not marriage material (how hard is it to contact Denise Richards, really?), yet she married him and made babies with him, thereby messing up the lives of others. And barring Sheen's imminent death, which would surprise nobody, she won't be the last woman to do this with Sheen. You can read AP Entertainment Writer Anthony Mccartney's story here.

Charlie Sheen's estranged wife Brooke Mueller obtained a restraining order to keep the actor away from her and their sons because she was afraid of threatening statements the actor had made in recent days, including stabbing her in the eye with a pen.

The order prompted police to take the twins from Sheen's Hollywood Hills home on Tuesday night and return them to Mueller's care.

Actually, isn't she in rehab herself?

According to a sworn declaration filed in the case, Mueller said Sheen told her in a phone call Sunday night, "I will cut your head off, put it in a box and send it to your mom!"

Lovely.

"(Sheen) has made various bizarre, disturbing and violent statements to the media in the past week which cause me great fear for the safety of our children while in his care as he does not appear mentally stable," Mueller wrote. She also noted a Christmas Day 2009 fight in Aspen, Colo., which led to the actor pleading guilty to misdemeanor third-degree assault.

In the filing, Mueller states she felt obligated to travel to the Bahamas with Sheen and two young women currently living in his Hollywood Hills home. She said that Sheen started the trip in a good mood, but drank on the plane and became belligerent on Feb. 23.

Mueller claims Sheen turned a flashlight on in her face, held a pen to her face and threatened to stab her in the eye with a knife. She wrote that she then left the Bahamas and returned to Los Angeles.

Yes, she is in rehab:

Mueller acknowledges her own sobriety issues in the declaration. She said she is in a day rehab treatment program, but that she can care for the children for four hours during the day and at night. She told the court that she would be living with a sober companion, and that her mother would help with the twins' care.

Ladies: You do have a choice in men. You do. You have freedoms other women in other parts of the world or in past times will never know. Don't be so stupid with that freedom. Your vagina, while a glorious example of God's good work, will not change guys like Sheen. Sheen's role in life will be to continue as a counduit moving studio funds to prostitutes and drug dealers. And fodder for the overabundent "entertainment" journalists.

I've subjected myself to mistreatment before (though not physical abuse). But I eventually wised up, and thankfully didn't marry in such a situation nor make babies.

What say you?

Don't Assume Monogamy

ScienceDaily.com reports on a study out of Oregon State University that, in a significant number of couples, there is either a false belief by one partner that there was a monogamy agreement, or amnesia on the part of the other parther regarding that agreement.

A new study of 434 young heterosexual couples ages 18-25 found that, in 40 percent of couples, only one partner says the couple agreed to be sexually exclusive. The other partner said there was no agreement.

And in those 40 percent, was the partner who believed there was a monogamy agreement always the female? We're not told.

Okay, first of all, 434 couples is a small sample.

Second, consider the ages.

I've said many times before that I believe sex is for the marriage, so strictly speaking, the unmarried couples should be "non-ogamous" in terms of having sex. But I also deal in reality. And the reality is, nobody should ever assume they are in a monogamous relationship unless it has been clearly discussed and there is a mutual agreement that it will be monogamous. Even then, people lie. But don't assume monogamy just because you're having sex, or going steady, or using the "girlfriend" or "boyfriend" label, or you're expecting, or shacking up.

Sexually active or not, most people should not be in exclusive relationships at that age. They should be focusing on education and career and they should be dating many people to learn more about themselves and others.

The results are in a forthcoming article published online in the Journal of Sex Research.

That's gotta be good reading.

Even among those who agreed they had an explicit agreement to be monogamous, almost 30 percent had broken the agreement, with at least one partner having had sex outside the relationship.

And here's something to keep in mind- you're not really monogamous if you do threesomes, swinging, or swapping. Or if you have sex with someone else who is a stripper. Or someone else while on vacation, or drunk.

The couples surveyed included both married and non-married couples. Interestingly, couples with children were less likely to have a monogamy agreement in place.

That's because one person is more likely to just assume it goes without saying.

Married couples were no more likely to have an explicit monogamy agreement in place than other couples.

Uhm, what about "forsaking all others"? Married people should demand monogamy. They should also provide monogamy- not "non-ogamy".

Men and women literally hear and think differently, so it is not surprising that one partner in a relationship might have assumptions that the other does not. Some women also have this script for their lives, and as long as the person one of these women has cast as her man doesn't say or do something in front of her that explicitly contradicts that script, she just assumes everything is like she hoped it would be. Monogamy may be part of that script. But guys should not be fooled into believing that just about all women demand monogamy in order to keep providing sex. For many women, the opposite is true. If she suspects a guy is having sex with other women, she tries to win him over by being "better" – being more sexually available and adventurous. She wants a man that she believes other women want. Some of these women are the ones who lose interest once a guy really does commit to them. This is one reason why unmarried guys who are sexually active, when asked by a woman "What are you doing this weekend?", should answer "having sex". This will drive away a woman who is looking for marriage and family, and it will prompt other women to be the person with whom he is having the sex.