Monday, April 13, 2015

This is the Reality of Many Husbands

Some really great letters are posted at Dr. Laura's website. Typically, there will be three letters posted every weekday. This is usually something distinct from things posted on her show's Facebook page.

Here's a recently printed letter from Peter.
Fifteen years ago, I married my sweet loving girlfriend after many years of dating. The first year of marriage was pretty bumpy, but then she read your book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Wow, the marriage really got good.
Sounds great, right?
Fast forward to today and things have taken a turn for the worse. I like so many of your callers am no longer married to my girlfriend.  Instead I'm married to a bitchy wife with 3 kids. Now I understand 3 kids can be a handful, but here are a few thoughts from my perspective.

1.When you say guys don't communicate that's because we often get punished if we communicate.

Anything you say can and will be used against you. Not just what you say but how you say it.
She asked me what's wrong about a year ago and I made the mistake of telling her.
Sometimes, it is best to minimize interaction.
I get the house will be a mess with three kids, but every room is like a war zone. So instead of ever mentioning it again, I just put in some extra effort in doing the dishes for her, some laundry, picking up things. And now by me being helpful and proactive, she considers I'm still complaining...

Some women claim to agree to a division of labor. The husband is supposed to financially support the entire family and handle certain chores and errands (lawn care, automotive maintenance, etc), and they will handle most of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry. But then the women will do a little test. They'll stop doing some or all of the domestic chores and figure either their husband will do it himself or he will shell out cash to pay someone else to do it, even though he's already paying half of his salary for domestic considerations.
2.I didn't realize I signed up for a life of celibacy.
There isn't (any longer) a legal requirement not a social requirement that a wife actually be her husband's lover.
Again, I made the mistake of communicating my frustration. I also emailed her some quotes from you like, "This is the measure men have of how much their women love them". Now she says I'm just thinking of me.

So she doesn't enjoy sex? Most likely she seemed to enjoy it before the wedding and maybe even before the kids.
3.Men are reactive and not pro-active. She doesn't seem to understand, the woman sets the mood of the household. And men react to their woman's mood. If she is bitchy then I'm on guard and try to not communicate too much to avoid her wrath. If I confront her, it's twice as bad.  And if I avoid her, I'm still a bastard for being quiet and not communicating. Refer back to #1.
Yup. It's a rigged game.
4.Men aren't women. I'm not wrong because I don't react to the kids the same way you do. My experience?  When I lay down some rules, Mommy intervenes to tell the child Daddy is wrong for being angry. To undermine Daddy like that just sets up the kid to be a spoiled brat for the rest of its life.
And yet you know that if he backed off she would complain that he doesn't help parent.
In conclusion, there was time when I would have swam through shark infested waters to bring her a lemonade. Now I just seem to forget some of those presents at anniversaries and birthdays.
She no doubt complains to anyone listens about that.

Is this a man who can honestly tell his son or any other man that marriage is a good thing?

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