How to Keep Your Friends Free - Intervention

As I wrote in the first entry of this series, Prevention is ideal when keeping the men you know free.

Sometimes, Intervention will be required, because some of these men won't stay free. They will tie themselves down to a woman.

When a man is in, or heading towards, an "exclusive" relationship or the marriage trap, your assistance will mostly have to be more subtle to prevent him from getting locked in. He's getting sex from her (or, in rare cases he's not but he thinks he'll be getting some later), and he thinks it's the best or only sex he's going to have. He won't want to give it up. He might also be feeling pressure from his family or a religious congregation.

So, subtle will usually be the way to go. Being repetitively direct and blunt probably won't work. He's in LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE. You're probably not going to get through to him with a frontal assault. 

• Meet him where he is. If he has a girlfriend, but they're not engaged, say "At least you haven't gotten engaged." If he's engaged, say "At least you're not married." Explain why he doesn't want to go further down that ladder, down into that pit in which a woman will have more and more control over his life.
   
• Point out that legal marriage is a bad deal for most men, most marriages fail, and men can have happy, full, productive lives without ever legally marrying.
  
  
• Point out to him all the people in his life who are divorced or obviously miserable in their marriage. Point out to him the successful, wealthy and/or attractive famous men who are divorced. "Did you see whose wife filed for divorce? Man, if he can't keep a wife happy, who can?"
  
  
• Cite examples of guys you know who are having a difficult time with their wife/fiancee/girlfriend, especially if you think he might be enduring something similar. "Did you hear how Mary freaked out on Joe and he had to leave the restaurant? Man, I feel so sorry for him. No guy should put up with that." It's great because you're not attacking the woman he's seeing, but it still gets the message across.
  
  
• Recall the fun times you used to have together (or that he used to have alone) that he's no longer enjoying because he's tied down.
  
  
• Keep inviting him to join you for fun (just the two of you, or with a group of guys) even when you know he's going to decline. It will remind him what he's missing out on.
  
  
• Recap to him the fun and other benefits of those events that he missed out on because he declined. Point out how much less expensive it is to do things when you're just paying for yourself.
  
  
• Talk about the day you had or the plans you have - personal or professional - that he can't or won't do himself because of this relationship. "I've applied to a promotion in [another city]. It's nice to be able to move if and when I need; I don't have anyone to clear it with."
  
  
• If he complains about something or talks about how difficult or complicated or expensive it is, and that's at least partially due to his girlfriend/fiancee, tell him he'd better to get used to it as it will get worse if he marries, and even marriage-sellers say marriage is hard work and takes a lot of compromise and sacrifice, and is "laying down your life." Tell him the relationship is not going to get any better than it already is. The sex is as good as it will ever be, and once she thinks she has him trapped, she's going to get worse. The things he likes about her will diminish, and the things he's worried about or frustrated with will get worse.
  
  
• If she has changed the relationship rules or her demands or goals to be less favorable to him, point that out. "Huh. Wasn't she fine living in her own place and now she says she wants to move in?" "Didn't she say she didn't want to be married, and now she says she does?"
  
  
• If you noticed his girlfriend or fiancee has changed something he used to like, or has pressured him to change, gently point that out. "Wow, she really got her hair shortened, didn't she?" "Huh. She used to come to those parties with you. Now she doesn't want to come?" "She used to be fine with you coming along, but now she isn't? Hmm."
  
  
• If he's given up on a dream or a goal because of his girlfriend or fiancee, point that out. "I haven't heard you talk about getting a boat since you started getting serious with Jane."
  
  
• Ask questions. "Is that what you really want, or what she wants?" "Why?" "And then what?" "She's demanding you change. What has she changed for you?" "Why doesn't she accept you as you are?" "Why is that your responsibility?"
  
  
• If he blames himself for the problems they're having, point out to him that if they marry, he's going to be the one she's married to, so he should avoid doing that to her.
  
  
• If he falls into the trap of thinking that all relationships are like this and he just needs to work through it, tell him that even if all relationships are like this, (which isn't the case), he doesn't need to be in a relationship.
  
  
• You can send him links to blogs like this one. You can send him this. You can send him links to comments and discussions from men who are miserably married or going through nasty divorces or who are divorced and warning other men not to marry. It probably won't work if he's moved in with her, or gotten engaged. He's in loooooooooove! He can beat the odds! He won't fail, like so many people he knows!
  
  
• Continue to point out applicable things about marriage from the Prevention entry.
  
  
• Throughout all of the above, don't be a pressure valve for him to the point that it enables him to stay with her by venting over and over to you. Say something like, "Well, you can solve this. Dump her. You're choosing to subject yourself to this. I'm not going to listen to you complaining about this any more when you don't have to subject yourself to this."
  
  
• Tell him that there's no shame in breaking up, dumping her, or even ghosting her. Most relationships break up. The best men in the world have gone through multiple breakups. He can reclaim his freedom. Tell him it's not too late to hit the eject button, and if he needs a place to stay, he can crash with you.
  

If he's planning to propose, has already gotten engaged, or has a wedding date rapidly approaching:, make sure you have his attention once or twice when you have him alone, and make sure he knows what you're about to tell him is important, and tell him: that he doesn't have to marry, he can have a full and happy life without getting married, and the odds are, it will be a mistake of him to marry. Tell him that's it... you're not going to constantly bring it up, but you felt he needed to hear it. You can ask him to give you one good reason to marry,

If he brings her around don't let on to her that you're determined to stay a free man and you want your buddy to get back to being a free man. Instead, stick to being polite and friendly with her. Act like you're interested in her as a person. Don't do anything in front of her or to her that will give her an excuse to avoid you and insist he avoid you (she might anyway, just because you're free). If she likes you enough, she might want to keep including you in things so that she can try to get one of her friends paired off with you. That, of course, is fraught with danger. If you go out with one of her friends and her friends tells her you mistreated her, it's done. So it might be best to just find ways of NOT going on dates with her friends, even as you make it look to her like you "just need to find the right one."

If he does go ahead and get married, try to keep at least superficial contact with him, if you care to keep the door open. Unfortunately, it's going to be nearly impossible to keep a friendship with him if you don't handle the wedding right. That means that if you get invited, and it doesn't seem like it was merely out of obligation, you're going to have to go. Whether or not you go, you're going to have to provide them with a nice gift. And if you do attend, you'll need to avoid any behavior that will give her "justification" to banish you from his life. If your gift sucks or you act up or you do something really stupid like RSVP that you'll be there and don't show up, you'll make an enemy of his wife, which makes his life even more difficult. Also, you can't be seen as instigating or contributing to anything about his bachelor party that would upset her.

Sound like a lot of trouble? It is. If it is too much trouble, you just might have to write him off.

For the next (and final?) entry of this series, I will cover Rescue, Recovery, and Restoration. UPDATE: Here it is.

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Prevention

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Rescue, Recovery, and Restoration