If you're scheduled to be the groom in a wedding within a few months, a week, even later today, you can still cancel it, and you probably should.
EMERGENCY - If the wedding is today, tomorrow, or days away, you can still cancel it.
If this is the day of the wedding or the day/evening before, inform her privately (take a reliable witness, just in case, like the officiating pastor) or send someone to do it. Inform the officiant.
If this is the day of the wedding, have someone apologize to the guests.
[This is assuming you don't have children with her. If you do, you really don't want to start a war with her.]
For more about what you need to do, see further below.
Will cancelling the wedding be a mess?
Yes, it will be a mess, and the closer to the wedding the more of a mess it will be, but it's far better than being married, especially being married and then divorced. For
most men, there is nothing wrong with cancelling the wedding; it's
usually the best thing to do in the situation you're in. You can do it.
And most likely, you should.
The pain, the mess, the effort, the costs, the losses of cancelling a wedding pale in comparison to the downsides of marrying, even more so marrying and divorcing.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking "Well, we live together already and/or we have all of these plans and shared things." If you marry, it will be the last significant decision over your own life you'll be able to make until she divorces you or you decide to divorce. If you marry her, all power you have (other than to divorce, which will be very expensive and destructive) shifts to her.
You are better off free, and if we believe all women, she is, too.
So here is what you need to do:
1. Accept that your relationship with your fiancee is over. Accept that there are people who know both of you who will drop you (this may include having to leave your religious congregation or other shared activities or groups). Accept that this might feel embarrassing. Reject any notion that this is a failure. Letting it go further would be a failure. Divorce is common. You're avoiding years of misery in marriage and then a divorce.
2. Be strategic about what you do when. For example, if the wedding is still six months away and you're living together and sharing some accounts, you've got a little time to do this, and you need to do as much as you can to dis-entangle yourself from her and protect yourself and your assets before she realizes you're cancelling the wedding. Once she knows, you might need to have a reliable witness with you whenever you interact with her. Document/record/get copies of everything that matters: paperwork, conversations, whatever might become an issue.
3. If you two have obtained a marriage license from the county/state, at some point you should destroy that so there's no chance it gets signed and filed.
4. If things have been paid for and finalized, you should cancel with anyone or any venue or business with which you have the power to do so. If you or your parent were the one paying, you should have that power. That might involve the wedding coordinator, rehearsal dinner restaurant, tuxes (and bridesmaid dresses, depending), florists, photographers, DJ/sound, musicians, cake bakers/decorators, officiant, church/wedding venue, reception venue, caterers, honeymoon travel and accommodations, even bachelorette party stuff. You may lose money, especially on deposits, but it is a small price to pay to save money over the coming years and retain your freedom. Don't fall for the "sunk costs" mentality of saying you don't want the money to go to waste. Getting married would result in exponentially more wasted money. If you still want to do what would have been your bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, reception, etc. that's up to you, if you're the one who put in the money. Those can be turned into a celebration of your freedom. (Having the contact information of everyone involved, including invited/RSVP'd guests, is helpful.)
5. It'll be best if you have some trustworthy people who have your back and can be your witnesses, and it will be helpful if those include both men and women. Have them help you move what you need out of your shared residence (if you're sharing one). Consult a lawyer if you need to about any entanglements you have with your fiancee, especially if it is YOUR residence you are sharing (the lawyer might tell you NOT to move out, in such a case). If you need to temporarily go somewhere else for your safety (and to avoid confrontations with her/her family that could end up with police getting involved and/or false allegations) consider a friend's place or a hotel, but it has to be kept secret.
Although few may say it, most people will understand, and most of them will think you made the right decision. Of course SHE and her family and friends are likely to be upset with you, especially at first. Unless they already control your life, it shouldn't matter, because you're going to be avoiding them.
.
Rather than repeat myself about everything else, see this link and follow the the links at that post, too.
Guys, even if the wedding date is set, even if the plans have been finalized and payments made, the guests attending verified, even if the wedding is tomorrow or later today, you can still back out, and you probably should. Be sure to consider your safety, whether physical, financial, reputational, or emotional.
You need to be thinking about what is best for you. Nobody else is.
The pain, the mess, the effort, the costs, the losses of cancelling a wedding pale in comparison to the downsides of marrying, even more so marrying and divorcing.
Do not fall into the trap of thinking "Well, we live together already and/or we have all of these plans and shared things." If you marry, it will be the last significant decision over your own life you'll be able to make until she divorces you or you decide to divorce. If you marry her, all power you have (other than to divorce, which will be very expensive and destructive) shifts to her.
You are better off free, and if we believe all women, she is, too.
So here is what you need to do:
1. Accept that your relationship with your fiancee is over. Accept that there are people who know both of you who will drop you (this may include having to leave your religious congregation or other shared activities or groups). Accept that this might feel embarrassing. Reject any notion that this is a failure. Letting it go further would be a failure. Divorce is common. You're avoiding years of misery in marriage and then a divorce.
2. Be strategic about what you do when. For example, if the wedding is still six months away and you're living together and sharing some accounts, you've got a little time to do this, and you need to do as much as you can to dis-entangle yourself from her and protect yourself and your assets before she realizes you're cancelling the wedding. Once she knows, you might need to have a reliable witness with you whenever you interact with her. Document/record/get copies of everything that matters: paperwork, conversations, whatever might become an issue.
3. If you two have obtained a marriage license from the county/state, at some point you should destroy that so there's no chance it gets signed and filed.
4. If things have been paid for and finalized, you should cancel with anyone or any venue or business with which you have the power to do so. If you or your parent were the one paying, you should have that power. That might involve the wedding coordinator, rehearsal dinner restaurant, tuxes (and bridesmaid dresses, depending), florists, photographers, DJ/sound, musicians, cake bakers/decorators, officiant, church/wedding venue, reception venue, caterers, honeymoon travel and accommodations, even bachelorette party stuff. You may lose money, especially on deposits, but it is a small price to pay to save money over the coming years and retain your freedom. Don't fall for the "sunk costs" mentality of saying you don't want the money to go to waste. Getting married would result in exponentially more wasted money. If you still want to do what would have been your bachelor party, rehearsal dinner, reception, etc. that's up to you, if you're the one who put in the money. Those can be turned into a celebration of your freedom. (Having the contact information of everyone involved, including invited/RSVP'd guests, is helpful.)
5. It'll be best if you have some trustworthy people who have your back and can be your witnesses, and it will be helpful if those include both men and women. Have them help you move what you need out of your shared residence (if you're sharing one). Consult a lawyer if you need to about any entanglements you have with your fiancee, especially if it is YOUR residence you are sharing (the lawyer might tell you NOT to move out, in such a case). If you need to temporarily go somewhere else for your safety (and to avoid confrontations with her/her family that could end up with police getting involved and/or false allegations) consider a friend's place or a hotel, but it has to be kept secret.
Although few may say it, most people will understand, and most of them will think you made the right decision. Of course SHE and her family and friends are likely to be upset with you, especially at first. Unless they already control your life, it shouldn't matter, because you're going to be avoiding them.
.
Rather than repeat myself about everything else, see this link and follow the the links at that post, too.
Guys, even if the wedding date is set, even if the plans have been finalized and payments made, the guests attending verified, even if the wedding is tomorrow or later today, you can still back out, and you probably should. Be sure to consider your safety, whether physical, financial, reputational, or emotional.
You need to be thinking about what is best for you. Nobody else is.
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