Guys, did you leave your marriage when your youngest child reached 18, graduated high school, or left the nest? Were you waiting for that to happen? Are you planning to leave when that happens? Did you consider it, but stayed? If you stayed, did you make changes to what you'd tolerate from your wife, or how you behaved?
You can share your experiences and thoughts in the comment area below. You can be anonymous if you'd like, or write a comment for me that you don't want published (make it clear you don't want it published, if you don't).
I ask those questions above because it is something I think about. I have kids to raise, and absent what I'd count as a "strike three," I'm going to keep the family intact until the youngest is a legal adult and done with high school.
But I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I figured there are four basic options for me:
- Stay
- Divorce
- Legally Separate and Live Apart
- Legally Separate and Live Together
Let's look at each one as it relates to my situation. That includes that I live in California and have no intention of every marrying or even being in an exclusive relationship with another woman. Your situation may vary.
Staying
Pros: Inertia; familiarity; easier for our kids; no spending on lawyers; no court-ordered asset separation; no court-ordered lifetime alimony*; no needing to move out; no need to sell the house; no hassles with dealing with lawyers, court, etc.
Cons: Still having to take care of her directly in a financial, physical, and emotional sense and all the related chores, errands, and spending; familial and social expectation that I not see any other woman; risk of false allegations of abuse; risk of abuse; risk of her destroying my property; being liable for her; arguing/nagging; she can ruin my finances/credit.
Divorcing
Pros: Being free to move; being free to have my own residence the way I like it; socially free to date other women; my financial obligation to her will be defined; no longer responsible or liable for her other than the monetary payments; no risk of false domestic violence allegations; no risk of being abused; less risk of her destroying my property; no more arguing or nagging (except for certain family events); can happen whether or not she agrees
Cons: Disruptive, might create problems for the kids; losing over half of my assets; lawyer bills; lifetime alimony payments; having to move; having to sell the house; court appearances
Legally Separating And Living Apart
Pros: Pretty much the same as divorcing, but with the added benefit of not being able to remarry (not that I'd be that stupid).
Cons: Possibly the same as divorcing, with the added problem of her not being able to legally remarry, which would end my payments to her (not that she would remarry). If she protests, it can't happen (whereas with divorce it happens whether she likes it or not).
Legally Separating But Living Together (Thanks to Governor Moonbeam, we can do this.)
Pros: Inertia; familiarity; easier for our kids; no needing to move out; no need to sell the house; socially free to date other women (smart women who know the truth wouldn't date a guy in this position, but I'd be dating women who either didn't know or aren't smart); my financial obligation to her will be defined.
Cons: Court-ordered payments and splitting of assets; still having to take care of her directly in a physical, and emotional sense and all the related chores, errands, and spending (unless I want a destitute crazy woman on my hands); risk of false allegations of abuse; risk of abuse; risk of her destroying my property; arguing/nagging; disruptive; lawyer bills; if she protests, it can't happen (whereas with divorce it happens whether she likes it or not).
Am I missing something? Let me know!
With the "Staying" option, with the kids out of the home and no longer dependent, I don't have to stress out and strive to keep peace and keep the family together. I can go back to doing more things I want to do, and refusing to do some things I don't want to do. Although, that might prompt her to seek divorce.
Speaking of divorce, she has repeatedly maintained that's not an option. But she might feel differently if I'm no longer the compliant butler and always at her beck and call.
We've talked about moving out of state, but we have no firm plans to do so. She seems to be more eager to move than I am. We don't feel we can right now, for various reasons. However, when the kids are grown and out, if moving becomes more likely, that might be the time to divorce or get a legal separation, since some of the "cons" I mentioned was the hassle of moving, but we'd be doing that anyway. On the other hand, depending on the state to which me move, it might be better for me to wait to divorce in the new state. But... with a divorce she might move in with her family, who could be in the state we're in now (but that wouldn't be my problem, would it?).
I didn't deal with "keeping vows" or "breaking vows" in the pro or con columns because my wife married me under false pretenses, so "keeping my vows" is a silly notion, even as I do keep them for now. Some other things that might be different from your situation include:
*She doesn't earn income and will argue that she can't, so in our state, that means I'd have to pay her for the rest of my life or her life, whichever would end first.
Staying
Pros: Inertia; familiarity; easier for our kids; no spending on lawyers; no court-ordered asset separation; no court-ordered lifetime alimony*; no needing to move out; no need to sell the house; no hassles with dealing with lawyers, court, etc.
Cons: Still having to take care of her directly in a financial, physical, and emotional sense and all the related chores, errands, and spending; familial and social expectation that I not see any other woman; risk of false allegations of abuse; risk of abuse; risk of her destroying my property; being liable for her; arguing/nagging; she can ruin my finances/credit.
Divorcing
Pros: Being free to move; being free to have my own residence the way I like it; socially free to date other women; my financial obligation to her will be defined; no longer responsible or liable for her other than the monetary payments; no risk of false domestic violence allegations; no risk of being abused; less risk of her destroying my property; no more arguing or nagging (except for certain family events); can happen whether or not she agrees
Cons: Disruptive, might create problems for the kids; losing over half of my assets; lawyer bills; lifetime alimony payments; having to move; having to sell the house; court appearances
Legally Separating And Living Apart
Pros: Pretty much the same as divorcing, but with the added benefit of not being able to remarry (not that I'd be that stupid).
Cons: Possibly the same as divorcing, with the added problem of her not being able to legally remarry, which would end my payments to her (not that she would remarry). If she protests, it can't happen (whereas with divorce it happens whether she likes it or not).
Legally Separating But Living Together (Thanks to Governor Moonbeam, we can do this.)
Pros: Inertia; familiarity; easier for our kids; no needing to move out; no need to sell the house; socially free to date other women (smart women who know the truth wouldn't date a guy in this position, but I'd be dating women who either didn't know or aren't smart); my financial obligation to her will be defined.
Cons: Court-ordered payments and splitting of assets; still having to take care of her directly in a physical, and emotional sense and all the related chores, errands, and spending (unless I want a destitute crazy woman on my hands); risk of false allegations of abuse; risk of abuse; risk of her destroying my property; arguing/nagging; disruptive; lawyer bills; if she protests, it can't happen (whereas with divorce it happens whether she likes it or not).
Am I missing something? Let me know!
With the "Staying" option, with the kids out of the home and no longer dependent, I don't have to stress out and strive to keep peace and keep the family together. I can go back to doing more things I want to do, and refusing to do some things I don't want to do. Although, that might prompt her to seek divorce.
Speaking of divorce, she has repeatedly maintained that's not an option. But she might feel differently if I'm no longer the compliant butler and always at her beck and call.
We've talked about moving out of state, but we have no firm plans to do so. She seems to be more eager to move than I am. We don't feel we can right now, for various reasons. However, when the kids are grown and out, if moving becomes more likely, that might be the time to divorce or get a legal separation, since some of the "cons" I mentioned was the hassle of moving, but we'd be doing that anyway. On the other hand, depending on the state to which me move, it might be better for me to wait to divorce in the new state. But... with a divorce she might move in with her family, who could be in the state we're in now (but that wouldn't be my problem, would it?).
I didn't deal with "keeping vows" or "breaking vows" in the pro or con columns because my wife married me under false pretenses, so "keeping my vows" is a silly notion, even as I do keep them for now. Some other things that might be different from your situation include:
- She doesn't earn income and would tell a court she can't work; in my state, that means I will pay for life should we split.
- If I'm not with her, she might attempt suicide again and I wouldn't be there to stop her this time. While that would be horribly tragic, it would mean my financial obligations to her would end.
- There is no inheritance coming from her family.
- Other than our kids, I wouldn't care who'd be upset by us divorcing. It wouldn't cause me to lose work, friends I want to keep, social engagements, or anything like that.
- I would have no intention of remarrying, living with, or being exclusive with another woman. Rather, I'd run game if I wanted to date, at least to the extent that I would keep my dates completely separated from the rest of my life, not have them over to my place, etc.
*She doesn't earn income and will argue that she can't, so in our state, that means I'd have to pay her for the rest of my life or her life, whichever would end first.
Not much I can say. Tough spot you are in there Ken. Just wanted to comment that you thinking about the children makes you a good man in my view, that's all.
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