Want More People to Marry?

Want more people to marry, or marry early enough to have (more) children together inside the marriage?

Marriage must have something men want they can't get for less risk and cost otherwise, and men have to know about it. Marriage must be distinguished from nonmarriage in a positive way, legally and/or culturally. I'm not talking about misleading use of statistics. I'm talking about it actually being better. Two lesbians can marry, and two gay men can marry. Why would most heterosexual men want to do it? What makes it special? You can't tell a man that marriage is something special between a man and a woman if two women can do it without a man. You can't even say it is something special between two people, because historically, polygamy has existed in many cultures around the world. But maybe it can be made better, to the point more men want to marry women.

How can marriage be made better?

There are at least three major things it will take to make marriage appealing to men. Let's consider them.

1. Change Family and Marriage Law. Currently, the laws work against husbands and fathers.

• No more default community property. Unlike the past, women have full access to the workplace, entrepreneurship, markets, financial institutions, credit, loans, contracts, etc. If couples want to have joint accounts or make joint purchases, or institute a specific financial partnership, they can. Otherwise, the default should be everyone keeps their accounts, earnings, receipts, and make purchases and transfers as they see fit.
  
  
• No more default alimony/spousal support. Again, women now have full, equal or better access. If a woman chooses to be financially dependent on her husband, it will behoove her to seek a prenup or postnup that will financially compensate her, especially in the event of a divorce. Lifetime support shouldn't be assigned unless the contract actively adopted by the spouses, rather than being the default law, stipulates it.
  
  
• For the two changes above, the option of "fault" in divorce can come into play. That must be determined either at the time of marrying or before (prenup) or in any postnup. They can opt for no-fault or have the conditions contingent on fault, and what that fault would be.
  
  
• No more default paternity. DNA testing upon or before birth should be standard before paternity is assigned to husbands. If the DNA doesn't match, unless he already agreed they were going to use that sperm donor, he doesn't have to be financially or legally responsible for the child unless he chooses to be with informed consent.
  
  
• Domestic violence response by law enforcement, unless it is clear that one person assaulted the other and there was no reciprocal assault, should either remove both from the residence or neither. Yes, that's going to require the county or city take any kids or pets, or make sure someone else does, but aren't we all for EQUALITY?
  
  
• Default 50/50 custody of children. Fault/behavior/conditions/agreements can alter it, but the default should be 50/50.
  
  
• If child support isn't determined by a prenup or postnup, it should be based on the actual costs of raising a child in the county where the divorce or separation is taking place, offset by custody. For example, 50/50 custody should mean there is no support. Each parent must cover the costs during their time. How much or little the dad earns should have zero to do with how much he'll pay.
  
  

2. Prepare Women to Be Good Wives. Many girls and women today aren't raised to be good wives.

• Some are raised to never rely on a man and supposedly be independent. That's great for someone who will always be independent. But marriage involves interdependency. Otherwise, there is little point to getting married. If a woman isn't prepared to: embrace and thrive in a division of labor, give and take in ongoing eroticism, and interact positively and constructively with a husband, it's not going to work.
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• Many women are raised to be self-centered, entitled, misandrist brats who insist they are princesses, queens, or goddesses, meant to be served by men while they are free to focus on their own desires. Men shouldn't marry anyone like that, unless they are really into that sort of thing.
  
  
• Husbands are not girlfriends. Men and women are different. Trying to eliminate male nature or pretend it doesn't exist instead of working with male nature isn't going to encourage men to marry and stay married. Male sexual nature is a significant part of this, including a man's need for an enthusiastic lover who doesn't cheat.
  
  
• Husbands are AS-IS. Never marry a man with the expectation that you're going to change him in a way you will like. If you don't already desire, admire, respect, and enjoy him, don't marry him. If you think "I can do a lot better," then prove it. Don't marry this guy and hold out for that better man.
  
  
• If a woman won't handle domestic tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc., then she has to be prepared to either respect, value, and appreciate a husband who does or help pay for services to handle those responsibilities.
  
  
• If both spouses agree to have children, someone needs to raise them. It is impossible to split the parental involvement 50/50. There will be some things the husband will be better with and some things the wife will be better with, and it will shift as the children grow. If the husband is going to be the sole or primary breadwinner, he's probably not going to also be the primary parent when it comes to around-the-clock involvement. Dumping children with hired help to be NOT loved all day should be avoided.
  
  

3. Build a Culture That Values, Honors, and Supports Heterosexual Husbands and Fathers. We don't have that culture right now. Saying "the future is female" sure isn't it.

• Stop punishing men for being husbands and fathers.
  
  
• Support masculine spaces, institutions, organizations, and programs where men and older boys, especially fathers and older brothers, can socialize boys into responsible heterosexual masculinity without the interference, in any way, of women or girls.
  
  
• Maybe have some media that doesn't ridicule masculine, heterosexual husbands and fathers, providing good examples that aren't completely fantasy-based (like superheroes, which boys will never grow up to be).
  
  
• Reform academia all the way down so that is isn't misandrist.
  

Good luck with all of that!

Some people are reading all of that and scoffing.

Well, marriage is voluntary. Fewer and fewer men are marrying. If you want to reverse that trend, you have to change what we have now. If you want more people to marry, but you disagree with that I wrote here, you're as welcome as anyone else to comment below, so you can provide your better ideas.

In the past, marriage made sense for men who lived on family farms. They needed to birth their own farm hands. It made sense to marry and raise children. Today, every few people in developed countries live that way. Of course fewer people are marrying.

But more than that, more and more men are seeing marriage for the terrible deal that it has become. Telling them they aren't "real men" unless they marry or trying to use statistics in a misleading way to fool them into thinking marriage will be to their benefit isn't going to reverse the trend. It has already failed to do so.