Monday, September 21, 2015

Old Time Values Are Now Counterculture

People who are new listeners to Dr. Laura may be confused because she is counterculture - and I say she is counterculture as a very high compliment. If "new" listeners call in and get onto the show before they understand from whence Dr. Laura comes, they may experience bewilderment. Knowing that these are some of her rules, assumptions, conclusions, and values (at least, as far as I've discerned from her media) will give you some understanding and might help you get something useful from the show or the call because there's less chance you'll be confused. Again, these are hers, not necessarily mine. (Although I largely agree with her.)

Not All Underage Sex is Abuse – Even if you now regret childhood sexual interaction with someone your age or within four years of your age, if it wasn't forced or somehow manipulated, it probably can't be called abuse. There's no such thing as suppressed or recovered memories, whether they apply to abuse by someone close in age to you or someone much older.

Abusive People and Forgiveness - Cut abusive people out of your life even if they're your parent, sibling, or adult child. For some things there is no forgiveness, such as an adult having a pattern of child abuse. For forgivable things it still requires that the person who did wrong take unqualified responsibility, that they demonstrate remorse, that they repair the damage, and that they take the actions needed to avoid repeating the wrong.

Men and Women Are Different – Husbands are supposed to provide and protect. Wives are supposed to love and nurture. Wives should respect their husbands and husbands should put their wives on pedestals. There are many, many differences between men and women (and boys and girls) and how they are likely to think, feel, and behave, and their roles.

Who to Date and How to Meet Them - No online dating, long distance dating, or meeting anyone through online services. Instead, be introduced by older, wise people you respect and trust to people who are less than ten years older/younger than you (preferably, the man is older). Nobody with minor children should be dating-for-marriage. People with minor children are only available for casual dates while the children are occupied elsewhere. There's a 70% divorce rate for "second" marriages with prior children. Only date-for-marriage someone with the same religious position (same religion/denomination, about the same level of devotion and practice). Men should not be dating unless they are prepared to provide for a wife and children and they should pay for the date. A man who is in his forties or older who has never been married is probably not marriage material (and again, if he has minor children, he’s definitely not right to marry for now).

While Dating - Sexual intercourse is for marriage. No shacking up because it is treating women like unpaid whores and shacking up corresponds to never getting married, getting divorced, and problems within a marriage.

Unplanned, Unmarried, or Crisis Pregnancy - Elective abortion is murder. Put crisis pregnancies up for closed adoptions to a married, stable husband and wife. If you're not going to put the child up for adoption or you already have children together go down to the courthouse and get married this weekend.

Getting Married - You don't marry until you are over the age of 25 and done with education and you (if a man) have a career that will not take you away from home much. You get engaged after 18-24 months of dating. Any less is too soon, any more is too long. You have six months of intense premarital counseling with a LMFT. No prenups allowed for first marriages. No separate financial accounts or online accounts (without shared passwords) when married. Traditional weddings and traditional funding are for people who've behaved traditionally, not for people with children, shacking up, etc.

Now Married - If, after you marry and before you have children, you discover/realize something seriously wrong about your spouse, then divorce them because getting married was a mistake. It's not a problem if your hubby views/masturbates to porn (non-fetish, women, women with women, men with women) as long as he doesn't neglect you or his other responsibilities. It's fine to fantasize about movie stars while having sex with your spouse. Bisexuals do not exist, so if your hubby has pornographic pictures of men, gay porn, or has had sex with a man then he is gay, but he should live up to his responsibilities if he has children with you (see below). Your spouse is your priority, not your parents or siblings.

Having Children - Do not have children past the age of 40. Do not have children unless you're in a stable marriage with a good person of the opposite sex who wants children and there are no prior minor children. Do not donate gametes or be a surrogate mother to family, nor ask family to donate gametes to your or be a surrogate mother for you. Adoptees shouldn't have contact with their birth family. If at all avoidable, do not tell a child that the man raising them is not their biological father (other than when both parents are adoptive). Parents give to children; elderly parents should not be drains on their children.

Raising Children Daycare, nannies, full-time babysitters are abandonment; a parent, preferably Mommy, should raise the kids. Mom should not be employed or should only work while the children are asleep or in school. Children should not be in football, gymnastics, or public school. Not every child will get high grades and not every child should be expected to. Children should not be in too many activities. Children should not have mobile phones or any devices that connect to the Internet -  or any online accounts to which you don't have access. If your minor child is having sex or sexting all of you parents sit down TOGETHER with the minors and you lay down the law and do not have them see each other or be unsupervised. If your pubescent child has had any sexual interaction with, or fantasies of, sex with someone of the same sex, they are gay/lesbian and you must accept that. Again, there is no such thing as being bisexual.

A Bed = Sex - Dr. Laura freaks out it a parent snuggles in bed with their child, like when putting a child to bed or if the child comes into the parents' room. I'm talking fully clothed and just for a short time, not all night. Recently she took a call that she kept commenting about during and after the call as though the father was about to sexually assault his kid because he was snuggling with the kid to get the kid to go to sleep, and previous comments over recent years have given me the impression that so much as touching a bed implies sex, as if being in bed with someone must be sexual. This is despite the fact that the vast majority of time people spend in bed is for sleeping. If I recall correctly, she's encouraged spouses to have sex in places other than bed, but if they do it on the couch it doesn't mean sitting on the couch with your child translates to being a molester. This is one area where I definitely think she's a little off the mark, but hey, she's  done therapy for living and I haven't, so maybe I'm missing something here.

Divorce and Affairs and Complaints - Once you have children, then absent actual abuse you should stay with your spouse until the youngest is 18. If you married a good person, (additional) affairs can be prevented through kind treatment. You did know your spouse was like that before you married or you married too quickly - you have no right to complain even if what is bothering you is more intense or frequent now. If your spouse divorces you, do not bring new lovers around your kids as long as you have minor children. Instead, see your kids every day.

Getting Remarried – Only when your children are grown. Get a prenup if you have prior children.

Electronics – Not only should children have only limited access to electronics, men should not play video games nor have Facebook accounts.

Overeating, gambling, enjoying porn, and sex are neither addictions nor diseases.

Addictions are not diseases.

If you call her, there are also some rules about how to do your call that will help you avoid a bad interaction:
  • Do not call while driving.
  • Avoid any background noise, especially the audio from her show.
  • Remember you're not having a normal conversation like you'd have with a friend. This is a call-in advice audio show with an audience, commercial breaks, and limited time.
  • Have the most important things to say upfront.
  • Keep in mind she's talking to you, and you have control over your own behavior; she isn't talking to anyone else, nor does she have power over them.
  • Do not say "I don’t know" or "even if" or "what if" or "right" or "I know" or say that something will be hard or difficult, or say that you already did what she recommends, even if you think you did.
  • Do not argue with her.
  • Do not interrupt or talk over her.
  • Only Dr. Laura can repeat things, and she might, unless she asks you to repeat something. She is listening closely to you, are you listening closely to her???
  • Do not say you're like Dr. Laura.
  • Do not say what other people have advised you or imply you have asked multiple other people about your situation.
  • Do not say "I know you don't like it when...", especially if it is something like "...people get emotional" or "...people talk about their feelings." Those things are actually fine for certain specific situations but if that is the case, she will specifically ask you to talk about them.
  • Do not say anything that isn't essential because she can and will use it "against" you.
  • Even if she mentions what the screener told her about your call or previously mentioned what the screener had told her about another call, YOU are never allowed to imply that she knows anything about your call that you haven't spoken on-air. Pretend you never talked with a screener.
  • Do not ask Dr. Laura what she personally does; she may, however, use herself as an example and may say she doesn't do something as if you shouldn't either, or that she does do something as an example of what you can do.
Everyone has their own biases. If she lets hers influence her advice, it might be related to things such as: her bad relationship with her mother; a terrible betrayal by someone who distributed nude (and she says altered) photos of her taken many decades ago before pictures were distributable online; not liking online dating; she had a dear friend who died a terrible death from cancer; she became an Orthodox Jew, then moved away from that due to some negative experiences. Overall, though, her advice is sound and helpful and she usually does a great job of keeping her biases from being a problem.

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