Some Things Are Better Not Said

I'm glad I subscribed to the paid side of Dr. Laura's website. I did so right before she announced she was going to leave terrestrial radio. Thankfully, this subscription has allowed me to hear every hour of her show by downloading the podcasts, which is especially helpful since I don't have satellite radio.

The show has changed a bit since debuting as satellite-based on January 3. I like the new, less restrained tone even more and there's more content – something like 12 more minutes per hour. The format is a little more wide, as in addition to people calling with their moral dilemmas, Dr. Laura will raise a topic on the broadcast or earlier via Facebook or e-mail, and take calls on that topic as well.

As usual, I agree with her on most things, and just about anything that's really important. But again, I'm going to talk about something on which we might have some level of disagreement.

Dr. Laura has repeatedly supported women who have called in who have wanted to have breast augmentation/enhancement surgery after they've had an accident, disease, or season of breastfeeding that has impacted their breasts to the point that... the woman wants a surgical enhacement. The key thing here is that the woman has wanted it.

Contrast that with a call from the first hour this past Friday, the first call of the day. A woman's breasts were signficantly changed through breastfeeding and the change has been a turn-off for her husband. Dr. Laura ripped into the husband (who wasn't on the phone as the wife made the call), and a lot of people might agree. Isn't it terrible that he's turned off by something that resulted from the nourishment of his children and bonding his children to their mother?

Well... it is terrible that he told his wife that he was turned off because of this. That was stupid on his part.

Yeah, in a perfect world, he would not be turned off. But aside from some sort of therapy or ongoing conditioning, men generally can't control what turns them on and turns them off. Perhaps what the husband should have done is kept his mouth shut, made excuses for any dysfunction she noticed, and sought a therapist who could help him. Maybe she'd be upset by a sense that he was not being open and honest with her, but it is better than telling her he's turned off by something about her that she can't change without surgery.

Let's be precise about what we're talking about. He didn't say he didn't want to be with her, or that he no longer loved her, or anything like that. He was foolishly forthcoming about something that changed.

Of course I was attracted to my wife, in part, because of her physical beauty, including her body, including her breasts. I would not have married her without being physically attracted to her. But I did not marry her on that basis alone. I married her knowing that I could and would still love her even if, God forbid, something happened that disfigured her. Breastfeeding changed and reduced her breasts, to be sure. I wish it wasn't so. And while I recognize that breastfeeding was a great thing, that thought does not sexually arouse me. Thankfully, I am not turned off, either, by the change.

Some men report being turned off, or fear they will be turned off, by pregnancy or by watching their child emerge from their wife's vagina. I did not find either a turn off. I thought pregnancy made my wife even more beautiful (and her breasts even better, too). Watching my children emerge from her vagina, I was in awe, and felt this intense bonding to my wife. But that's me. It may be something some men don't want to see. And my wife didn't get fat when pregnant. She got... pregnant.

Husbands and wives, over the course of a decades-long marriage, are likely going to be turned off by certain things that happen to their spouses that the spouse may not be able to do anything about, at least without taking extraordinary measures. The important thing is working through that and being there, in every right way, for each other. (Sometimes, that involves not saying something.) The only way to avoid getting older is to die. I;d rather have my wife with me. I'd rather have my kids than to have my wife's body the way it was before carrying, birthing, and feeding them. I'd rather have money for other purposes than spending it on breast surgery. And I'd rather encourage her to give me access to her breasts than say anything that would make her less likely to do so!

Ladies, gentlemen.... your experiences and thoughts?

A Very Desperate OC Housewife

I've been keeping too busy to blog a lot lately. But there has been so much to write about. Sean Emery has the Orange County Register story:

A 36-year-old Lake Forest woman was arrested Friday on suspicion of having sex with a 13-year-old boy who authorities say she met in Maryland after the two cultivated an online relationship.

There are plenty of 13-year-olds in Orange County. I wonder if she has any local victims?

Rachel Ann Hicks first befriended the boy while playing X-Box Live online in September, and the two began trading phone calls, texts and e-mails, including sexually explicit images and movies, Orange County Sheriff's spokesman Jim Amormino said.

Now, to be sure, there are some 13-year-old boys who would think this was the greatest thing that could ever happen to them. That still doesn't make it right. There's no way he could have legitimately consented to this, and even if he thoroughly enjoyed the experience, it has no doubt messed with his mind, at the least. It could have downright traumatized him. Plus, she could have given him an infection.

But the story gets "better"...

While visiting family members in Florida over the Thanksgiving holiday, Hicks, a married mother of three, drove to the boy's home in Maryland and "engaged in sexual activity" with him, Amormino said.

I wonder how she explained to her family where she was going? She's a married mother of three. Where did she find the time to do all of this game-playing and grooming of victims? And where were this boy's parents? Did he use a cover story about being with a friend?

She was taken into custody at her Lake Forest home Friday afternoon, and is being held without bail on suspicion of rape, child molestation and sexual solicitation of a minor, Amormino said.

Hicks admitted to having a relationship with at least one other underage boy in California, Amormino said, and authorities are searching for additional victims.

"She flew to Florida and drove to Maryland, so apparently there are no boundaries," Amormino said.

Yeah, {if guilty) she's pretty desperate.

I know there is at least one judge out there who would assign a requirement to pay child support to the rape victim, if a baby was produced from this. I also wonder if the great state of California will give her half of the marital assets, and alimony, should her marriage end? I'm assuming child custody will go to her husband (who could also be required to pay child support if she births a child from this). Will she have to pay child support to her hubby? Will she get the same amount of prison time a man would if the sexes were reversed?

Are You Right For Each Other?

You know the story. Two people are searching for love, and one day... BAM... it hits them like a lightning bolt. They find each other; she finds... the one. He finds the woman of his dreams. They have a beautiful, perfect wedding and they live happily ever after in wedded bliss. Bringing up certain topics during dating or the engagement will ruin this scenario. Financial planning, pre-nups, and frank talks about reality are so unromantic, right? Who needs them when you're in looooooooove?

Well, a generally happy lifelong marriage is possible, if two people are prepared to be spouses and they are right for each other. But how do they know they are? Feelings are great, but feelings aren’t always based on reality. God (or, as some of my readers believe, atoms interacting in strictly natural, normal processes over billions of years) has given us minds and the ability to discern. We should use our discernment to make wise choices.

There’s a British family law firm that is promoting a compatibility quiz for couples planning a life together. It’s a good idea. Check out this Reuters story by Paul Casciato.

Partner Ruth Bross compared taking the quiz to the kind of considerations and research an employer might make before hiring someone.

People put far more research and rational evaluation into their job seeking or even car buying. But I consider choosing a spouse to be the third most important decision a person can make. (The second is whether or not to raise children, and I think if one decides to do that, it necessitates finding the right, willing spouse. The most important decision a person can make is to either become a follower of Christ or reject Christ, but that is my religious bent.)

"No one who is truly committed to a relationship will ever mind making the full and frank disclosure that is asked of them; if they do, you might like to ask yourself why," she said in an emailed statement containing the quiz.

Definitely. Don't fall for the "Don’t you trust me?" line, or "Why do you care so much about money?" The fact is, if the other person trusts you, isn't using you for your money, and is a secure person, they should have no problem with a process like this.

Check out all of the particulars after the jump.

Another Six Months?

These women who are having sex without commitment who then want commitment from the guy who is used to having casual sex with them keep writing in to the advice columns, oblivious to reality.

"Antsy Regarding my Future" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am 25 years old, and my boyfriend is 37.

Good for him.

We’ve been dating for a year and a half.

That's good.

I want to move in with him so we can take the relationship to the next level, but I think he is afraid of commitment.

Shacking up is a bad idea all around. But I love the "afraid of commitment" allegation. The question is, to what would he be committing? Shacking up is not a commitment. But when the "afraid of commitment" charge is applied to marriage, then legally (and as such, the only commitment that can be enforced by the authorities), the commitment in question is this:

1. He, being the person who earns more, will be obligated to pay you money should he leave or you leave, regardless of the reason. In some places, he will be required to pay you money for life if you leave him after just ten years.

2. Half of everything acquired during the marriage will be yours, even if you never have kids but quit your job, hinder his career, and don't lift a finger around the house.

3. He will assume financial responsibility for any child born to you during the marriage, even if you made that child with the person for whom you leave him.

Call that "afraid of commitment" if you want, but it seems strange to present someone with a legal agreement that puts them at considerable risk with no guaranteed upside, especially when that person is getting just about everything they want already, and then if they are hestitant to sign that agreement, call them "afraid of commitment".

He says he wants marriage and kids one day, but he's already 37 and doesn't seem to be making any moves in those directions.

This wouldn’t be a problem if you were dating other people, too, which you should be doing.

He wants me to wait six more months and then revisit the topic.

I bet he doesn't want you to wait six more months before having sex again, and I bet you won't.

I love him and want to be with him, but six months is a long time to wait when there isn’t even a guarantee that he would be willing to let me move in then.

Your choice is this: 1) Keep enjoying his company as he's been offering it; or 2) Stop seeing him. Take your pick.

Also, I am not from this state and would not stay here if it weren’t for him.

So you've agreed to live somewhere you don't want to live just for someone you are dating? You know, part of the condition of picking my wife was whether or not she would agree to live in the basic geographic area I wanted to live. There could have been great women in other states and staying in other states, but they couldn't be my wife if we lived in different states. If you really don't want to be there, go where you want to be and find someone who is there or willing to move there.

What should I do?

Keep wishing until your eggs are all gone. That's a good idea, right?

Dear Margo responded:

What is the hurry, my dear?

Hurry? She's old enough and they've been dating long enough for a proposal. And if they're going to have kids, they'd better get started soon. He's getting kind of old to start.

The ideal situation (for you) would be for him to be the one wishing to hurry things up.

Yeah, but that's not the reality of the situation. It would be ideal if he had a six-pack and billion of dollars, too.

His reluctance may be uncertainty, a desire to live alone or some foreknowledge that you are not "the one."

It could also be that whether he just wants sex, or whether he really does want marriage and kids, shacking up is detrimental to both goals.

He Has Her Right Where He Wants Her

Ain't liberation great? LOVES MY NEIGHBOR wrote in to Dear Abby:

My neighbor "Marlon" and I have been "friends with benefits" for almost two years. We hang out every day and our kids are friends. We talk about everything. Really, we are best friends. We have attempted to hide our affair from our children (8 years old and under) and from our exes. Many of our friends know, but it is never discussed.

Chances are, your kids have heard or have figured it out.

My problem is, Marlon recently mentioned that he wants to find a "good woman." It upset me because I'm in love with him.

Whose fault is that? Why would he marry you, since he already gets what he wants from you?

At the same time, he makes no effort to meet anyone.

That you know about. That’s his business. But you’re taking it as a sign of hope. He may even be telling you that because it keeps you where he wants you.

He is always with me -- when you'd think he'd be out trying to meet women.

Guys can meet women 24/7 these days. Does he have a job? He could be having sex there.

Although we agreed to be "FWBs," I don't want to be Marlon's security blanket.

Your choices are to 1) Keep things as they are (although he may change things; 2) Drop him from your life; 3) Drop the benefits and see if he still wants to be "friends". Most likely, he won’t.

How do I let him know I want more?

You're not going to get it. But you can come right out and tell him that you want more. He will either 1) Tell you whatever he needs to in order to keep the "benefits" going, or 2) Drop you, fearing you'll try to get pregnant or are becoming TMW (too much work). He's not going to say, "Okay, since that is what you want, I will agree to it." He no doubt enjoys sex with you, but you do not have the one and only magic vagina.

It comes down to this, since morality doesn't seem to be a concern to you. Do you prefer things as they are now, or would you rather not have the "benefits" and quite possibly the "friendship"? Those are the real choices under your control, as long as he is willing to keep the current arrangement. If he isn't, then you won't have a choice.

I know this from personal experience. In my wayward days, women with whom I had friendships would make themselves available to me for sex and I would fornicate with them with no intention of it going beyond what was essentially a FWB situation. I never lied to them or made false promises. I didn't need to. Many women aren't down with that, but enough are. And I was not going to ever let the relationship become more serious than that, because I knew I couldn't marry those women and have a good, lasting marriage - some of that time I thought I might want to remain unmarried anyway - and so there was no point to increasing the social commitment. It wasn't a  matter of "I can't marry them because they're willing to have casual sex" - it was the age differences or other realities that precluded marriage. But they were willing to have sex, and so was I.

Relationships can certainly go from more commitment to less, such as when people break up but still hook up from time to time, but other than the initial "uphill" arc (dates, steady, couple, engagement, marriage) it can almost never go from something like a booty call or FWB to a sustained girlfriend/boyfriend or marital situation. Permit me a crude, crass analogy. If you're getting access to a recreational facility for $40 to $0 a session for months or years, and then suddenly the cost skyrockets to half of your earnings, are you going to pay that higher charge, or are you going to go to another recreational facility that is charging $40 or less? But if you were paying half of your salary for daily access, and that ends... but every once in a while you are invited back for a night at $40 or less, you might take that offer.

Dear Abby responded:

Revisit the subject with Marlon and ask him how many "good women" he thinks he can handle, because he already has one.

Doesn't that depend entirely on someone's definition of good? My guess is Marlon's definition is quite different than Dear Abby's. I would also say Marlon isn't beinga good man, just like I wasn't being a good man.

It couldn't hurt to mention that you are in love with him and have taken your relationship seriously.

Yes, it could, if she likes his company. If he wanted it to be more, he would tell her.

If one woman isn't enough for him, you will have to start looking for a good man -- one who won't monopolize your time and take you for granted.

BINGO!

Please understand that if Marlon is serious about looking elsewhere for someone to settle down with, you cannot invest any more time or emotion in him.

Maybe she shouldn’t anyway.

I would tell Marlon if all he wants is sex, he shouldn't be having sex with a mother of minor children. Also, I would tell him not to take away time he should be spending with his kids, who have a broken home already, and risk making half-siblings they'll have to deal with. I would say the same thing to the letter-writer about her seeing men.

It's Looking Like a Better Year

For most of the weekend, it looked like the new year was going to start off on a dismal note. For quite a while, the sexual frequency was down to once a week. Several weeks back, I started getting what I would call "mercy oral" – very mechanical, very "going through the motions" – once during the week as well. Hey, that's better than nothing, but I really enjoy my wife's body and seeing, touching, and tasting her, and especially pleasing her, and I wasn't getting to do that during the week.

Christmas weekend, because of everything my wife wanted to get done, I didn't even get our usual weekend session. If it was anything, it was the mercy oral, like during the week.

This definitely had an impact on my mood. I get irritable.

I told my wife this weekend that it had been too long since I'd seen her naked, too long since I'd tasted her. Unfortunately, she was menstruating. I'm still willing to do what I can for her, but she is generally against doing anything down there while menstruating. So, we had skipped the week before and then there was this.

New Year's Eve was a non-event. We went over to the in-laws' to exchange Christmas gifts (because we hadn't seen them since before Christmas) and have a meal. The brother and sister who had fought with them weren't there, and no mention was made of Christmas Eve. But we left to return home long before midnight, as the get-together was never meant as a NYE get-together.

NYE used to be a big deal in my life. I can remember it being a huge deal going as far back as I can remember. There were a couple of years I was asleep at midnight because I had to show up at a job at 4, 5, or 6am, but otherwise it was a big deal. I know we celebrated big time when my wife was pregnant with our first child, because we knew our life was going to be different after the birth. It seems like the last few years, though, it hasn't been an event for us. I would have planned something had I realized we were not going to be at the in-laws'.

So, having written all of that, why is it looking like a better year?

Last night, as I was turning in for the night, my wife joined me. I knew something was up, because she had already given me the mercy oral the night before. Turns out that one of her New Year's resolutions was to send me off to sleep with, as she put it, a smile on my face every night. Yes, it was another night of mercy oral, but that is certainly better than nothing. I can't remember the last time we had sexual contact two nights in a row. It was probably the last time we were trying to make a baby. I expect that sometime within the next couple of days, I will regain access to her body.

This is one resolution I hope she keeps! I will do my best to help her by initiating as often as possible. If this resolution is kept, it can have a huge impact on our marriage. Who knows, maybe she will let me take her to climax more than once every week or two?

Dear Abby Defends Attention Whores

DOIN' WHAT COMES NATURALLY wrote in to Dear Abby:

When a man meets a woman wearing a low-cut dress or blouse, is it rude to momentarily glance down (not stare) at her cleavage?

It isn't rude to her. That is exactly why she wore it - to get attention. Now, there may have been one or two people in particular whose attention she was trying to get, and as such, she may be uncomfortable with you taking a look. But tough toenails for her. She doesn't get to pick and choose if she goes out in public like that.

It may be rude to your wife, depending on how obvious you are about it.

Most men find this a natural, unavoidable impulse.

True. This is the way our biology is wired.

Dear Abby gets gender partisan:

It may be a "natural, unavoidable impulse," but gentlemen have learned to control their impulses.

And ladies know exactly how they are dressing.

I'm surprised you haven't heard the phrase, "My eyes are up here."

I would suggest completely ignoring any woman who behaves this way. She is an attention whore, and wants attention so that she can then insult or hurt others. Ignoring women like this drives them even crazier than they already are, but you should do it for your own protection.

What other possible reason, other than to draw attention to her breasts, would a woman display her cleavage to strangers in public? Women, if you're going to dress this way, the appropriate response when you notice a man noticing that you've dressed this way is to smile.

I had a girlfriend who was sporting DDs (beautiful... just glorious marvels of nature), and she wasn't overweight in the slightest... she had the perfect body as far as I was concerned, but like most very attractive women, she didn't see herself that way. She was a teacher, teaching middle schoolers at first. She dressed very conservatively, and yet heard from some of the girls that they thought she was purposely showing off. Nothing could have been further from the truth. That is not what is going on this letter to Dear Abby. Anyway, my girlfriend asked me about calling up boys to the front of the room to do work on the board, and it there was a problem with that. I told her at that age, boys are "at full attention" quite often, even if there is no present visual stimulation. But with her there, it must have been going on constantly. She took my advice... best not to have the students get out of their seats.

Family Drama For Christmas

How was your Christmas? What are your plans for New Years or, if you're reading this later, what did you do?

Our Christmas was generally good, spent with most of our immediate family on both sides.

The current plan for New Year's Eve is to go over to the home of my in-laws, which is in the same city. We got that call inviting us over yesterday. This is significant because we still haven’t exchanged Christmas presents. The reason we haven't is the same reason we can't ever count on my in-laws to watch our kids.

Christmas morning, my wife woke up before the kids and before me, despite having been up late getting things ready and not getting enough sleep. The plan was to go over to the in-laws' house after the kids opened their presents to have brunch and exchange gifts with my wife's parents and siblings. However, one of her sisters called to let her know that the Christmas Eve dinner over there (which everyone knew we were going to miss because we were with my family of origin) didn't go well. So we invited everyone over to our place, at least those who were sober and not getting belligerent on the phone.

As the story goes, everyone except us was over at the in-law house for Christmas Eve dinner and family time. My married sister-in-law and her husband had called it a night and took their kid with them, as they could see the drinking was getting out of hand again. That left behind my wife's parents, the brother who lives there, and the brother and sister who are joined at the hip and live together about an hour or more away. These last two were planning on spending the night there.

MIL wanted to play table games. The visiting brother and sister agreed to play games (instead of calling it a night) on the condition that there be no further drinking that evening. FIL, MIL, and the resident BIL objected. The drunken BIL got nasty with his language towards his sister, nearly resulting in a fight between him and his brother. The visiting brother and sister left instead of spending the night and crashed at the home of the sister who had already left. My melodramatic, drunk in-laws reset the locks on the house to make sure those who had left could not get back in.

The next morning (Christmas), they were still drinking.

So we didn’t go over there.

I'm still coming to grips with this alcoholism dynamic. My dad would drink wine after work every night... no problem. My older sister had her wild phase, but clearly wasn't an addict. And unlike how it often gets portrayed in media, there can be long stretches where drinking isn't a problem during our visits. But clearly it IS a problem. Sometimes it ruins a normal night. Sometimes it ruins holidays and special events.

I made sure to thank my dad the other day for being a responsible drinker rather than a drunk. My mother rarely drinks.

Another Letter Published

Another letter of mine was published today on DrLaura.com. The text of the letter is no surprise to anyone who has been reading this blog for a while.

Daughters Need Their Fathers

GIRL IN NEED IN BALTIMORE wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have a big problem. My father refuses to spend time with me. He is a firefighter and says he has a busy schedule. I understand that. But when he has extra time, he will find anything else to do. I tried talking to him -- it was like talking to a brick wall.

She's right. This is a problem. A girl's relationship with her father is very important. We aren't told her age. She doesn't indicate the relationship was ever different. But if it was, and if she's entered puberty, it could be her father not knowing how to handle that. I was reading recently that some fathers will stop hugging their daughters or start to avoid them when puberty hits, because the fathers are uncomfortable with the fact that their daughter is starting to look and feel like a the very kind of thing that turns a man on – a grown woman. Throw in that there are some corners of society where every grown man, and especially a father, is considered a possible predator of girls, and you have a recipe for distance.

On the other hand, the guy could be an all-around self-centered jerk.

My mom has comforted me a lot, but I feel there is something missing in my life.

Your mom needs to step up. First of all, if she did marry a self-centered jerk, she needs to admit it and apologize to you, and find you some strong, positive male role models, like a coach. If this is a matter of discomfort with his girl growing up, she needs to ask herself if she has contributed to that. Has the husband/father been made aware of some father-daughter problem in mom's family, and he is overcompensating for that by trying to avoid contact? If this is a matter of dad being uncomfortable, mom needs to tell him how badly his daughter needs his attention, and how it is okay to hug his daughter and spend time with her and how to actively listen in a way his daughter will know he's listening.

What you could also have here is a guy who didn't want a daughter. Or maybe he didn't want kids at all. It is possible the mother knew that before she ever got pregnant.

I wanted kids, including a daughter. Still, I wonder sometimes if I shouldn't have remained childless and perhaps even unmarried, because so much of what I like to do is solitary. I like reading, I like writing, I like watching movies and television that might not be good for minors to watch. But I know my kids need me. So some things I like to do have to be put on hold or missed entirely beause I need to be there for them. And even though I do recognize this, I still feel like I'm falling short.

Just the other day, I got back in touch with a friend of mine I wrote about in this previous entry. He's still with his girlfriend. He told me that his daughter "understands" that he sent more cash for Christmas presents rather than visiting her in person. I'm sure he daughter would rather see him. She probably also "understands" that the girlfriend was a recipient of his Christmas generosity, So really, he could have visited his daughter if he wasn't spending money he barely haves on a woman young enough to be his daughter.

I haven't seen him since he returned to town. It isn't going to be very comfortable if my wife and I bump into him, especially if his girlfriend is with him.

Another Wife Who Wants it More

What is going on with all of these neglected wives? SUSPICIOUS IN FLORIDA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm pretty sure my husband is addicted to adult porn movies.

I agree with Dr. Laura that people misuse the word "addicted" in cases like this – most of the time. Anyone can get "addicted" to anything that feels good. I could claim an addiction to peppers.

We have several pornographic DVDs in the house and I can tell when they have been moved.

I have many DVDs, none of them pornographic, and they get moved around all of the time without being watched.

He denies he's watching them, so confronting him again will only make him more angry and possibly push him "underground."

Uh, so having them in the house isn’t the problem, but watching them is a problem? It's already an "underground" situation, isn't it? Sounds like there is a lack of communication going on here.

Our sex life, which used to be grand, has become almost non-existent.

Correlation does not prove causation, or even a connection. Now, perhaps what you're thinking is true – that he watches the DVDs, masturbates, and as a result of that, has no interest in making love with you. It could also be that because he is unhappy with your sex life (see this quiz), he watches these DVDs. Or, the two could have nothing to do with each other, though that possibility is slim.

Have you tried initiating? I know most women like their husbands to initiate and some women want him to initiate all of the time, but think about it from his perspective – nobody likes to be rejected, and if you have rebuffed him from time to time, that may have gotten to him. Perhaps he got the impression (mistaken, from what you say) that you weren't enjoying yourself much and he felt like you were only accommodating him out of a sense of obligation. That becomes a turn-off to some men. If a man risks rejection from his own wife, and then when he isn't rejected he gets the feeling that she is doing it as a "mercy session", and she offers little assistance to his desire to bring pleasure to her (so that he feels like failure), he may feel like what is going on is pretty much glorified masturbation, so why not save his wife the trouble and not bother her at all? I'm not saying that's what IS going on in this case – it is just one possibility. We don't know his side of the story.

Do you have any suggestions?

Yes. Complain to all of your family, friends, in-laws, and fellow church congregants about this. No, wait, that's not right. I take it you want suggestions about how to have your sex life restored? You said it used to be "grand". Think really hard about when that changed and if you can think of why, based on the timing. If the only change you can think of is the DVDs coming into the home, then it might be those. But be brutally honest with yourself. You were obviously enjoying your lovemaking, but was he? Were there things he tried to do, or requests that he made that you shot down? Did he approach you at certain times of the day, only to be rebuffed? Have you gained a significant amount of fat? Did you cut your hair?

If you can honestly rule out anything you have done (or not done, even though he wanted it), then the problem is entirely his responsibility. If you chose your husband wisely, then you should be able to get him to go to counseling by appealing to his love for you and sense of obligation as a husband.

Dear Abby responded:

Rather than accuse your husband of being a porn addict, start a discussion about what has happened to your sex life.

Hey, there's an idea.

He may need to be examined by his doctor to determine if his problem could be physical.

That's another good idea.

If that isn't the case, then marriage counseling with a licensed therapist might help.

She's batting 1000 so far.

However, it doesn't seem likely to me that a man who views only "several" adult DVDs is a porn addict. Porn addicts are usually glued to their computers at every available spare moment.

Perfect batting average. Good for Dear Abby.

Now, I know in conservative church circles these days, we're all supposed to foam at the mouth and warn her that her husband is about to beat, rape, and murder her and just about every other person on the planet because he's watching those DVDs, and that he needs to go to a treatment facility, possibly undergo an exorcism, and then beg you to take him back under the condition that he give up all electronics for the rest of his life and be followed around by an accountability partner. But I really don't see why what he's doing is any worse than a wife reading romance novels or watching soaps or romantic comedies that give an incomplete or false portrayal of certain aspects of life or cause her to covet. It is just that what he's doing has gotten more attention because it is easier to beat up on what is seen as a male problem.

As for me, I'd be happy to find some evidence (like DVDs) that my wife actually does have a libido right now. There are times these days that I have to plead with her to let me bring her to orgasm once a week. She doesn't want any more than that right now. She'd taped some stuff off of cable that she'd use from time to time before we married. She told me this after we married, and told me she'd erased the tape. We do not own any "adult" DVDs, but we have watched some soft-core stuff before on cable together - twice, I think, and have read/seen some stuff online apart from each other. I'm not justifying any of this, just being real. The bottom line is that I know from experience that husbands like me will not put time and effort into watching such stuff behind out wife's back if we're making love with our wife every time we want. This is not to say that a sexy picture won't catch our eye, because it likely will anyway. But the motivation to masturbate isn't there.

Merry Christmas!!!

Merry Christmas, everyone. Thanks for reading this blog and for all of your feedback. I pray that you are having a great and meaningful Christmas. Don't spend too much time online, especially if you could be spending that time with framily and friends during this special time of year.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow II

The Best of Dr. Laura is airing, since Dr. Laura, like a lot of other radio hosts, is on vacation for the holidays. On Monday, in the third hour, about 20 minutes into the podcast, a woman called in to say her husband had stopped initiating sex with her a few weeks back and when asked why, he told her that he was turned off because she had her hair redone.

Dr. Laura blamed the man and called him unloving, citing another husband who was caring for his wife as she was losing her hair due to chemotherapy.

But this is likely apples and oranges. Now, I think Dr. Laura gets it right so often, and all you have to do is check out other things I’ve written here about her to know I’m no Dr. Laura hater. But sometimes, I disagree.

Losing your hair because you are being medically treated to save your life is not the same thing as deciding to go against your husband's desires and intentionally, unnecessarily change one of the things that attracted him to you. In doing so, the wife was telling her husband she didn't care what he wants.

Maybe Dr. Laura knew more about the situation than made it to the air during the call (due to screening), but the information that went out over the air was not enough to definitively decide if this was a case of a husband who is a jerk or has a problematic fixation or need for too much control – or if it was a matter of a wife choosing to make herself less attractive to her husband.

I've known women who have kept their hair long all through dating, and then immediately after marrying, they chop it off and start to butch up. I know at least one who did it literally the next day after the wedding. My wife pointed it out to me. You know what message that sends to a husband and other men? "I care about getting a man to sign on the dotted line. After that, I’m not going to care." An attitude like that is what is the big turn-off, not necessarily the actual hair style.

This is not to deny that there are men who would welcome the new hairstyle or even requested it. There are also men who don't care either way. But most men do have a preference and for most men, it was part of what attracted him to his wife in the first place. If a husband has a preference, it should be honored (as should his wife's preferences about his facial hair). Dr. Laura has told women who've called in wanting to cut their hair short over the objection of a husband not to do it. But in this case, the damage was already done.

Ah ha! I suspected I had previously written something like this before. I searched and found a posting with the same title.

Daycare Operator Arrested For Impersonation

Allegedly, 34-year-old Chelsea Nichole McClelland was doing bad things with someone else who was entrusted to her care – kind of like an impersonation of Mary Kay Letourneau. Andrew Blankstein reports at LATimes.com.

A South Los Angeles day-care center operator has been arrested on suspicion of lewd acts with her godson after she was allegedly caught having sex with the 13-year-old in a van, Los Angeles police said Monday.

What does she charge for daycare, though?

McClelland, who was arrested on suspicion of multiple instances of lewd acts with a child, is being held in lieu of $400,000 bail at the Van Nuys jail. McClelland could not be reached for comment, and there was no answer at the number listed for the day-care center.

What, none of the other highly qualified staff will answer the phone?

Last week, Mid-City residents reported seeing a white van repeatedly parked in the neighorhood. Police responded Friday and discovered the boy inside the vehicle. The boy initially told them he was 18, but after being interviewed by LAPD sex crimes detectives, he acknowledged that he was 13.

Yeah, good try.

Police said they believe some of the illegal contact took place when the victim was 12.

But maybe he looked 13. "You don't understand, officer! He's so mature. He's really good at the Wii."

McClelland has three biological children and is the legal guardian of a fourth. At the time of her arrest, she was caring for eight children at her day-care center.

Hey, maybe they can make a TV movie about her, too, and there can be all those news magazine television shows that interview them when she gets out of prison and they reunite and marry.

Now, to be fair, there are some great people out there who operate day orphanages. But even the best ones can't replace a parent.

Do you think she'll lose her godmother status?

UPDATED

Boyfriends are Not Husbands

Although husbands can act like boyfriends in certain nice ways. UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST wrote in to Dear Abby:

My boyfriend and I have reached an impasse. He says that breakfast, brunch or lunch is an acceptable time to spend with my girlfriends, but dinner is "family time" and should be spent at home with him.

Since he is your boyfriend, he's not family. But it sounds like you are shacking up, and he is asking you to act like family even though you aren't.

He also says that girlfriends who spend a weekend away together are "up to no good." I see no problem with it.

It is no problem as long as you are unmarried and not engaged. Ask him what he would expect of his wife. If he insists that this wife will be spending most dinners at home, and no weekends with the girlfriends, and that's not the way you want to live, don't marry him. If you don’t want to date under these conditions, dump him. There are men who won't mind a wife being away with the girlfriends on weekends or somewhere else for dinner. But would you want to be married to any of them?

Dear Abby's response:

Your boyfriend appears to be insecure, controlling and have a dim view of women. If you're smart, you will find someone who is less easily threatened by female bonding and let this one go.

Hmmmm, I agree in that he's only a boyfriend. Then again, if they are shacking up and he's paying her bills, then he expects her time in return. If she doesn't like that kind of a "controlling" boyfriend then she can pay her own bills. But what about if they were married? If he would never want his wife away with her friends for a weekend, that would be a problem, but wanting her with him most weekends and for dinner isn't. How controlling can be he if he says it is fine for her to be elsewhere for breakfast and lunch? I also wonder if Dear Abby would say the same thing to a man whose girlfriend wanted him to be with her for dinner every night and didn't want him away with his buddies on weekends?

Another Sexless Marriage

Again it is a husband neglecting his wife. WANTING MORE IN THE SOUTH wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband of one year (at the time) was considered by everyone to be the most caring, good husband. But he never wanted to have relations with me.

Unacceptable. Divorce time. It shouldn't have taken a year to decide that. If all he wants to be a is a friend, then you shouldn't be married.

After several months of investigation, I learned he had been seeing prostitutes.

Female prostitutes?

He even admitted to me that when he did have sex with me he was thinking of them.

Wait, so you were having relations. Sounds like he has a fetish. Or, that you're really lousy in bed. It's probably the former. Solution: Make him pay you. If you earn less than he does and you're in a community property state, he's paying you anyway. So why not accept payments in cash conveniently timed with your marital lovemaking? I'm mostly kidding.

Fast-forward: I forgave him; we went to counseling.

Oh yeah, that will solve everything.

Abby, he still never wants to have sex with me! When we do, it's because I initiate it. My self-confidence is shot. He says he "doesn't have a sex drive," so I can either accept him for all the positives -- of which there are many -- and not have a sex life, or not.

Is there anything he’s done with the prostitutes that you will not do? As wrong as it is for him to go to prostitutes, that might be why he is. He should be able to ask you for what he needs, and you should be able to give it to him. Otherwise, you're not a match. That might not be your fault at all. It could be a fetish on his part.

I have considered fulfilling my needs outside the marriage, and giving him the green light to do the same, but he's against it.

He's breaking his vows, Why be married if you are at that point? Are you that dependent?

Here's a tip. If you buy a car, and you are never able to get it running, send it back to the dealer instead of taking it to the mechanic. Don't keep making payments and taking the bus.

Did She Prefer a Hostage?

A guy decided he'd rather not get married to a certain woman rather than end up being divorced from her. She responds by suing, giving us a clearer picture of why he called off the wedding in the first place. Susanna Kim has the ABC News story.

In a suburb of Chicago, fury has overtaken a jilted bride who is suing her former fiancé for the wedding costs. Dominique Buttitta, dumped four days before the wedding was to take place, is seeking damages of $95,942 from Vito Salerno to cover wedding expenses and the cost of the lawsuit.

That could be an excellent deal for him in the long run. Actually getting married and then divorced could have easily been much more expensive.

Buttitta and Salerno began dating in March 2007, were engaged in December 2007 and the wedding was set for October 2 of this year in Barrington, Illinois.

There's something wrong when the dating period is nine months long but the engagement is almost three years.

The suit's itemized list of expenses included over $30,000 for the banquet hall, $11,000 on lighting and flowers, $10,000 for an orchestra, $7,550 for a photographer, $5,000 for a wedding dress and accessories, and $1,700 for wedding favors. The expenses include other non-refundable purchases, including a bridesmaid luncheon, bridal shower and a deposit for a wedding planner.

And whose idea were most of these expenses? $30,000 for the banquet hall? I'm sure they could have found a great place for a lot less. The facility should already have lighting, and flowers wither in days. Who needs an orchestra? Photographers overcharge for weddings. $5,000 for a dress that will be worn once? I know for a fact that you can get beautiful dresses for under $1,000.

The suit also claims that one month before the wedding date, the groom attended a bachelor party at an adult entertainment business called the Pink Monkey. He allegedly engaged in lewd acts, including lap dances with strippers, of which the bride was unaware.

If that is actionable, then there are a lot of wives who are in big trouble!

Some states, including Illinois and Georgia, have "breach of promise" to marry laws.

I actually think such laws can be a good thing, but only as part of a comprehensive set of laws that would punish people for breaking their marital vows, which include much more than promising not to have sex with other people. Breach of promise usually means "I only had sex with you because you promised me marriage." Is she claiming that?

This is not the first time a heartbroken bride sued her former groom. In July 2008, a jury in Georgia ordered Wayne Gibbs to pay RoseMary Shell $150,000 for breaking off their engagement three days before their wedding.

So, guys, the earlier you DTB (dump the bride), the better. However, it isn't too late until the marriage license is signed and filed. You can even go through a ceremony and still not have the marriage legally validated.

What's the alternative, really? A guy should go ahead and get married to as to not ruin her special day, then get divorced later? Shouldn't she have to demonstrate that he knew many months prior that he wasn't going to marry her, but that he deliberately kept the wedding planning going in order to upset her?

I think the wedding budget and expenses should be part of a comprehensive pre-nuptial agreement that is finalized and in effect before a wedding date is set. Terms should include who will pay what under what circumstances.

NOW vs. Hooters

NOW, the National Organization for (a certain kind of) Women, better known as NAG, is trying to remind people they exist. They're going after Hooters, and the basis of their attack is laughable. Michael Mello of the Orange County Register has the story.

A well-known feminist organization has filed a complaint with Orange County officials, alleging two local Hooters restaurants exposed children to sexual entertainment.

On Thursday, the California chapter of the National Organization for Women sent a letter to District Attorney Tony Rackauckas saying Hooters restaurants don't comply with state and local laws that regulate sexual entertainment. NOW said Hooters should have an age requirement, much the same way strip clubs can only legally admit patrons 18 and older.

I'm sorry, but an organization that does everything it can to make sure that thirteen-year-old girls can have sex, contraception, and abortions without their parents even knowing is in no position to talk about this.

What about the choices and the rights of Hooters girls?

Hooters says it has 455 restaurants in 44 states in the U.S. and 28 countries worldwide. The company's website also says a third of its managers and corporate staff are women.

I wonder how many are members of NAG?

The letter specifies the Hooters locations in Anaheim and Costa Mesa. It omitted the newest Orange County location, in Lake Forest.

That's because one of the NOW's local members volunteered to visit the restaurants herself, and only went to the Anaheim and Costa Mesa locations.

What, did the women working at the restaurants not flirt enough with her?

"Members physically went and brought their children to see the children to see the children's menu and the items sold," said Patricia Bellasalma, president of NOW's California chapter. "They took them to see whether they would serve them."

Bellasalma said the group targeted Hooters restaurants because they offer "sexual entertainment," but choose to have locations near popular tourist spots or in shopping malls.

"Sexual entertainment" of this sort is a problem for NAG because it is largely heterosexual and enjoyed by men. It is interesting that shorts and tank tops = "sexual entertainment". Maybe it is the shaved legs, too.

NOW plans to ask state Attorney General Jerry Brown to conduct his own investigation.

Can I conduct one?

NAG doesn't want men having fun. It is that simple. But Hooters is so tame that this is ridiculous. Perhaps this is a trial balloon for NAG before moving on to other entertainment? Or, maybe it is just a cry for attention by a bunch of bitter women who are jealous of women who can make a living for a while on their looks and personalities. But the way, I've been to Hooters exactly once in my life.

It's Okay to Date More Than One

Where did this idea come from that dating relationships need to go exclusive? It is an idea I had when I was coming of age, and into my mid-20s, despite my own mother saying that unless someone was engaged to be married, they were free to date others. And she wasn't sleeping around; she was a virgin when she married my father. Of course, I was happy to have any dates when I was a teen; I didn't have the the "problem" of having to choose.

But really, there should be no expectation that a dating relationship is exclusive unless that has been discussed and there was mutual agreement that it would be. I would only advise agreeing to that if engagement is pending.

NOT PLAYING FOR KEEPS wrote in to Dear Abby:

I have been divorced for almost a year and am the mother of two daughters.

I would be interested to know how this all happened. Are the daughters from her husband? If so, why did she make two babies with the wrong man, or why did she treat a good man poorly?

I am dating two very nice men, and I have been open and honest with both of them about not wanting a serious relationship right now. They both understand. The problem is my sister seems to feel that I need to make a commitment to one of them because if I don't, I will be viewed as a "player."

Your sister is wrong. Your top priority should be raising your daughters, who have a broken home. When and if you can squeeze is recreational time for yourself (perhaps while your daughters are with their father), you can date, but I would not expose your daughters to these men. Keeping it casual is best, as long as you understand that they can and will be dating others. There's no reason to get serious with either one, at least not until your children are grown.

However, if I was talking to those guys, I would point out to them all of the reasons they should not be dating a mother of minor children.

Basic Advice to a Newlywed Bride

A woman I met through work and befriended recently got married. We don't work together anymore, and I don’t see her in person often, so I wrote her some advice. This is, with slight editing, what I sent her.

If you picked a husband well, and from what I can tell you did, keeping your husband happy and thus your marriage together and good is simple, because men are simple creatures. Simple does not always mean easy. But at least it means "not complicated".

What wives generally need the most is love. What husbands generally need the most is respect.

Something else to keep in mind... think of you wearing pink ears and pink glasses, and him wearing blue ears and blue glasses. You literally see and hear things differently than each other. That will explain a lot of disagreements.

Turn TO each other, not ON each other. This is the family you have made.

Fourteen words that will help…

In Shape
Nice Picture
Sex Anytime
Girlfriend Talk
Guy Time
Alone Time
Strong Man

If you keep those fourteen words in mind, and the meaning behind them, you will be a magnet that keeps your hubby attached and nobody will be able to pry him away with a crowbar.

In Shape. You don't have much trouble with this one. Yeah, we all get old and that is unavoidable, and there will be seasons during which, for whatever reason, you won't be looking your best. But a reasonable effort to keep yourself in shape will mean so much to him. Men are visual creatures. We appreciate the way our woman looks. Think of all of the advertising that uses female skin to sell. Not much advertising uses male skin to sell. Why? The sight of female skin has a special effect on heterosexual men.

Nice Picture. This has more to do with how he best likes you, as far as hair style, hair length, etc. See above. In fairness, he should keep his facial hair conditions a way that you like.

Sex Anytime. Dennis Prager, who has written a lot about male sexual nature and gender relations, says that if women could feel what it is like to be a man for a day, they would wonder that any man ever stays faithful. Most women need some sort of emotional connection for sex. Men don't. Yes, it is more enjoyable with a woman we love, but we don't need to have any emotional connection whatsoever – that is how much we are physically set up to want sex. Sex is one of the basic ways we bond with our wife, learn about our wife, communicate with our wife, show love for our wife. There will be times you won't feel like it. Do it – do something – anyway. You just might get into it despite your earlier feelings. Never pass up the chance to have a good orgasm with your husband. Attitude, especially enthusiasm, are important. Also, if he's hurting, depressed, worried… just holding his head in your lap with your hands rubbing his skin can do wonders.

Girlfriend Talk. He's not one of your girlfriends. Before you start telling him about a problem, tell him if you just need a listening ear or if you want him to offer a solution. Men are wired to offer a solution, so we need to be told if you just want to vent. We will listen to you vent if that is what you need, but if you are going to vent over and over about the same problem that you're not going to/can't do anything about, and he can't do anything about it, it is better to save that for one of your girlfriends, or you will drive him crazy. Also, don't expect him to always have something to say. It doesn't mean anything is wrong.

Guy Time. Most men need time with the guys. Today, there are very few places left for guys to get together and just be guys without women they want approval from/cooperation with staring at them. If he needs guy time, let him have it without punishing him for it. It doesn't mean he doesn’t enjoy being with you.

Alone Time. Some guys need it. See above.

Strong Man. Yes, you're able to take care of yourself. But men have a need to be admired and needed. We want to be our wife's protector and hero. So let him do some things, like opening doors, reaching high places, opening jars, etc. It may sound silly, but it will make him feel so good if you say things like, "Honey, I need a big, strong man to carry this for me." Let him do certain things for you. In turn, you can do certain things for him that he could do for himself, like fix him a sandwhich when he's doing some chores.

That's the most basic advice I can give for having a happy husband.

Her Mother Wants a Piece of Him

I can't believe he's even considering this. DOESN'T LIKE PAIN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My girlfriend is Jewish; I am not.

You need to define what that means. Is she religiously Jewish (observant), and if so, which branch? Or is she Jewish mostly because she was born to a Jewish mother?

Her mother recently found out that I am not circumcised.

And how did she find that out? She knows you're not Jewish, right?

She has been putting pressure on me to get "snipped."

But not convert? She doesn't get a say. Tell her to keep her hands off of your penis. Uh, unless you're having too much fun. Tell her while you're eating shrimp wrapped in bacon, which I was actually served at a reception after a bar mitzvah. By the way, does she keep kosher?

I am not sure what I should do.

If you're afraid of catching HIV, then maybe you should get circumcised. Otherwise, don't. If your girlfriend wants a boyfriend or husband who has a mushroom rather than an anteater, then she can find one.

One of my girlfriends came from a Jewish family that wasn't religious at all. They had some culturally Jewish activities, though, and my girlfriend had become more religious while in college. She still wasn't very religious – she didn't keep kosher, attended church with me more than she ever went to Jewish services, but did observe some holidays. There are a lot of Jewish traditions I like, but I was not about to give up my belief in a certain Jewish carpenter being my risen Lord and Savior, even though I certainly wasn't living out that belief when it came to sex. That was our central impasse. She believed she could marry me, but I didn't think she'd end up being happy and I didn't think I could marry her. I guess I was kind of hoping she'd change, which was stupid on my part.

Her parents were good to me, but I heard second-hand that her mother really wanted her to marry a Jewish man. That is understandable. I was circumcised, and her parents knew that their daughter knew first-hand, so to speak, whether I was or wasn't. so that was never a topic. But I never did get an answer out of my girlfriend or her mother why they maintained someone couldn't be a Jew and believe in Jesus. I mean, Jesus was/is a Jew and so were so many of the founding disciples. Did they suddenly stop being Jewish?

Build a Life Before Making More Life

Most of us no longer live our entire lives on a small family farm, or in the family shop. It is a different matter now to build a nest to raise a family. ANONYMOUS MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a young mother in my early 20s with two young children and another on the way.

LDS in an LDS community? Otherwise this usually doesn't go so well.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years. We have been together since we were young teenagers.

Hmmm.

Both of us come from single-parent families, and our marriage has been less than perfect.

Well, yeah, the odds of marital survival are slim. My guess is you're not LDS. (I'm not, either.)

I work a full-time swing shift.

With what time?

My husband works only a part-time swing shift job.

Ah. Well, if he changed his shift, he could be there more for the kids.

I have asked him to take on another part-time job so we can be more comfortable financially, but he refuses.

Good thinking on your part. Let's make sure your kids never see either of you. Why don't you change your lifestyle so that you can get by on one full-time job? It is because you were both so busy making babies that you (plural) didn't get educated/trained for a career?

He says if I want more money in the household, I will have to get a second job.

Sounds reasonable to me. Look at that! He's bought into the feminist idea of "respecting" you as a career woman.

If it wasn't for our families' free baby-sitting, I don't know how we could afford child care.

So you're letting your parents/siblings raise your kids?

We have no money in the bank, and we are deep in debt.

Yeah, that tends to happen when you get married so young to your high school sweetheart and make three babies.

I feel overwhelmed with too much responsibility and don't know what to do about it.

Change your life around so that you can get by with one person going out of the home to earn the income. The other person can work from home. Other than that, you're pretty much stuck and you can be a good warning to others.

Dear Abby responded:

Start by telling your husband that with a third child on the way, you are in no position to take on another job -- but he is.

So Dear Abby isn't into gender equality?

If he refuses -- and he very well may -- then you will need to think seriously about your and your children's future, and to what degree it includes him.

Oh yeah, because divorce would do such great things for her finances and the kids.

This is who she chose to marry. She chose to make babies. She could have gone off to college, prepared herself to earn, met man with higher earning potential, or waited until this guy started his career. She could have done so many other things. But I know – she loved him. He loved her. And that meant they just had to get married and start having kids when they did.

First Dates Should Not Be So Serious

I get a kick out of a lot of articles written for women about men and dating, especially in media like Cosmopolitan.com. This one was called "His Surprising First-Date Fears" and it says:

We got experts to spill on the little things that secretly stress him out.

But the guy they describe sounds like he’s in ninth grade.

1. That you'll be different from what he's expecting.

Well, yeah. Men are visual creatures. Deceptive pictures aren't appreciated, as is general false advertising about your personality.

We've all been there - you thought the date went perfectly, he acts fine the whole time, and afterwards, you wait for him to call and...zilch. The sudden blow-off could be because you ended up being different than you were when he first asked you out.

Or it could be because you weren't very good at making out. Or, depending on the guy, it could have been because you grabbed his penis and he's looking for a wife, not a booty call.

2. He won't be the only one you're interested in.

Guys feel like on the first date more than ever, there's insane pressure to really wow a girl. So he worries that his competition — aka every other hot guy in the room - could steal your attention.

Huh? Please. Most guys expect you to be dating others and not blind to the fact that there are other men around. What we don't tolerate is using your phone or "accidently" bumping into friends, especially "friends" (= another man whose penis you've has seen).

3. He'll touch you too soon.

Nope. If she's not ready when he goes for it, then she's not right for him, or she need more time before the next date.

4. You won't give him another date.

Nope. He doesn't know yet what a great person you are. There's plenty of other women to date. If you don't want another date, then it is on to the next possibility. I once had a date with a woman who subsequently told me she wasn't interested in going out again, probably because I was younger. But later, she changed her mind and told me she wanted to go out again, and we dated for a while. Then she decided to stop. Probably because I refused to stick it in her (although we were doing other things). I heard her biological clock ticking. I spent no time worring about any of this – whether or not there would be another date.

It is very important - whether one is dating for marriage, dating for sex, or whatever – to hold off on getting emotionally attached to someone in the first few dates. There are billions of people in the world. Not every date is going to be a perfect match. It is best not to waste time and emotion on someone who isn't right for you. Keeping that in mind saves a lot of trouble.

What are men really thinking about on a first date?

1. "I wonder what she looks like naked. I wonder if she'll be good in bed." Now, religious guys will usually try not to entertain these thoughts, but they're there.

2. "Please don't make this too expensive."

Now, if he's looking for a wife, he will be looking for things that would disqualify her as a good wife for him, and if he likes what he sees, he will be worrying about making sure she's having a good time. If he's just looking for sex, he's going to be thinking about how to get from here to there.

Darwin Award Candidate: Raul Garcia Jr. of Lynwood

I could probably muster up some sympathy for someone who steals food to feed their kid and gets hurt in the process. But I just can't muster up any for vandals who are injured or killed as a direct result of the commission of their crime. In fact, I kind of like reading about it. I'm hard pressed to find a more welcome recent headline than “Tagger Struck and Killed on 710 Freeway”. Raja Abdulrahim reported at LATimes.com.

A 20-year-old tagger was hit by two cars and killed early this morning on the northbound 710 Freeway in the Compton area, the California Highway Patrol said.

He's 20 and he's running around vandalizing. Not getting enough coursework at the local university?

Raul Garcia Jr. of Lynwood and two other men had been tagging the center divider and, at 4:17 a.m., they began running east across the freeway, the CHP said.

Garcia was hit by a Nissan Maxima that had just merged into the far left lane, the CHP said. He was thrown into the next lane and struck by another vehicle, which drove away.

Garcia was pronounced dead at the scene. The two others were detained, and all four lanes of traffic were closed for two hours.

What a shame... a shame that a couple of drivers will forever have these memories (the second driver committed the crime of "hit and run" and I wouldn't be surprised if it was an unlicensed driver = illegal alien). And it is a shame that traffic was no doubt slowed.

"LAUSD teacher" at December 11, 2010 at 04:50 PM:

These young men had opportunities in school to achieve and teachers who cared yet they chose to blight the city instead of improve their minds and their communities. It starts at home, with books instead of video games and travel instead of TV. At 20 years old he should have been working toward his future.

"Ome-Coatl" at December 11, 2010 at 05:45 PM:

The sad part is that he died for nothing noble.

No one can even read or understand what he scrawled on the wall.

In two week's time, it will be covered up by another tagger.

Tagging is a mental illness. It is a pathological behavior of defacing the world because they are unable to "make their mark" in an authentic, productive way.

Then comes this by "BOO BOO" December 11, 2010 at 10:59 PM:

REST IN PARADISE KAUE, WE WILL ALWAYS MISS YOU!

Uhm, yeah.

"WC" at December 12, 2010 at 06:43 AM:

I'm trying hard to view Garcia as someone who was more than just a worthless tagger, but then I consider the psychological trauma sustained by the driver of the vehicle that initially struck him and, it's difficult not to think the world is better off without him.

What a waste. If his mother was any kind of decent mother, I feel for her. I wonder if he impressed some girl enough to get her pregnant and thus leaves behind kids?

The Quiet Bed

Most of us started having orgasms though masturbation, when we were living at home with parents and, for most of us siblings, on the other side of the door. Later, we shared rentals or dorm rooms with others, and just as when we were at home, we'd try to masturbate quietly enough not to be heard.

Or, for those who fornicated while living in such situations, you likewise were likely to try to keep quiet, trying to keep moans, gasps, and whimpers quiet and keep sex talk (what some people might call "talking dirty") to a quiet minimum.

Marital lovemaking should not be an embarrassment or shameful. It is exactly right, it isn't wrong. As such, the only reason why a married couple would want to stay quiet is not to wake/disturb others who make be in the home, especially children.

Due to the layout of our house and other factors, it is unlikely the kids would hear us during their sleeping hours.

My wife is quiet. That's fine. The other night, I tried talking. I'm not talking about using derogatory terms for her or for our body parts – I'm not interested in that. But I tried talking in a sexy way about what I wanted her to do and what I wanted to do to her.

She shot that down right away, thus adding yet another thing to the "no" list. She went on to say that I've been having sex a lot longer than she has, and that she doesn't need bells and whistles (yet). I quipped that at the rate/frequency we're at, we'll never get there. She responded by citing any number of factors that are creating the existing situation, none of which I have control over. Some will change. Others will not. But the ones that do change, I expect to be replaced with others, based on past experience.

Thinking back, sex has almost always been a quiet thing for me. I can only recall My First MILF being vocal. She would moan, she would tell me I was hitting the right spot, that I was a perfect fit, that I was big, stuff like that. Come to think of it, my wife said I was big the other night. But other than that, the only other thing she says is in response to me asking her what she wants, and she'll say the generic "make love to me". Maybe I should ask her, "How exactly?"

As far as the "big" talk – ladies can almost never go wrong talking like that, unless the guy knows full well that he's unusually small. It's like telling a woman that her hair looks fantastic when she's just had a salon disaster. Still, I point out that babies come out of there, so how can I really feel all that big? I don't want her to stop talking like that, though.

Ladies, aural sex is a good thing. Talking and making "appreciative" noises can enhance the lovemaking for your hubby. I don't mean telling him about what color you'd like the room painted. Tell him what he's doing right, give him constructive suggestions, tell him what you want him to do or what you want to do. Tell him how he's making you feel.

Do you have any good things to say, in addition to "You're so big!"? Go ahead and share them. Or, what do you like to hear?

Being a Jerk Works

Here's another example out of the hundreds of millions that show some women dig jerks. "Worried Best Friend" wrote in to Dear Margo:

One of my best friends is dating this complete jerk.

You know, when I was a kid, I thought that the way to get a girl to date you was to be nice to her and be a winner. Little did I know. Like many other boys, I'd notice that these jerks and losers always seemed to have no shortage of girls to go out with. I didn't reconcile these notions until I got older and other men started pointing out that being a jerk will not only not scare women off, it will get you easier sex and more sex.

Some women try to deny that women like to be treated badly, but some women keep volunteering to be treated badly. It turns them on. They can't stand men who treat them well.

He is manipulative, condescending, emotionally abusive, and let’s not skip over the time he told me to bleep-off, unprovoked and without an apology afterward.

Are you paying attention boys? Those of you with mothers who aren't with your father anymore – how often have you heard your mother refer to your father as a jerk, or with the traits listed above? Yeah, that's the guy who turned your mother on so much that she got pregnant by him. You can't get pregnant without sex (assuming rape is not involved, or a sperm bank).

I feel like my friend is brainwashed.

This is what she has chosen for heself.

She used to be so confident, and now she has changed the way she acts and even eats! He’s told her she’s gained weight, guilted her about cheeseburgers and scolded her for her spending habits.

He knows this will make her more likely to stick around and have sex with him. He wants her to think so little of herself that she'll keeping having sex with him.

If she gets drunk with her girlfriends, he gets mad.

Well, duh. That is not jerky behavior. That is normal behavior. How is she getting drunk with her girlfriends? Most likely with drinks other men are buying. Now why would a man who doesn't know a woman buy her a drink, hmmmm?

What can I do to help her realize this guy is bad for her? She knows he is a jerk. She’s even said it. But then she says she “loves him” and wants to marry him. She deserves much better.

She deserves exactly what she sticks around to put up with. You can't do anything about it. Badmouthing him will only make her cling to him more.

Dear Margo responded:

The only thing I can say for this chap is that his unhappiness with his girlfriend getting smashed is understandable.

Thank you.

From what you report, he is a controlling hothead, but as is usually the case, your friend will have to arrive at that realization herself. Stop trying to change her mind — because you can’t. These situations are do-it-yourself projects.

She's right.

Some of these guys are not naturally jerks. Some are guys that just want a girlfriend to have a lot of sex with and be best friends and have romance with, but they do not ever want to get married or have kids. These men would be nice guys if that is what got them what they want. But it doesn't, at least not without a lot of time, energy, money, and effort – and an expectation of getting married and having kids. Then these guys find that there are plenty of young, attractive women who will quickly get sexual with guys if they are jerks. They see it with their own eyes. So they become jerks, because that is what gets them the easy sex and with less pressure to get married, to boot.

If more women demanded better, these men would be better.

Sleeping Together, Or Not

One of the things I enjoyed about my past relationsips - in which I was doing things I wasn't supposed to be doing – was actually sleeping with my girlfriends and my not-girlfriends-but-still-doing-bad-things girls. I liked spooning, cuddling, whatever. I liked being right there with her.

My wife and I share a bed, but we don't really sleep together. She usually goes to sleep hours after I do. I'm usually up hours before her. When we were childless newlyweds, that was even more pronounced as we worked completly opposite shifts. But now our careers have changed (she's a SAHM) amd our sleeping hours have a lot of overlap.

There's been almost no spooning or cuddling in bed for our entire marriage. And it isn't for a lack of desire on my part. One of the great things about sleeping together is waking up in the middle of a slumber session or at the end of a slumber session and waking the other person up with sex. However, once either one of us is asleep, this almost never happens. I wouldn't mind. My wife would be annoyed (even without an orgasm, which would keep her awake for hours), and I don't think she gets enough sleep as it is. I certainly don't get enough sleep, either, but I've always been willing to sacrifice sleep for sex.

But even if I just kept it Rated G, my wife says she wouldn't be able to sleep if I was spooning her.

So there we sleep, with a lot of distance between us. As a bonus, the little dog will often sleep between us, sometimes right up against me so that I'll be on the edge of the bed and if I move, the dog will growl loudly to remind me not to crush her.

Really, I need to set up a bed in my man cave and sleep in there. There's no reason I can't stumble into there after lovemaking and fall asleep. It would probably be more restful.

That we would not be sleeping together (as in spooning or cuddling) is one of those things I was unable to determine before we married, as we never shared a bed prior to getting married. It was difficult enough to maintain my wife's virgin status as it was, so actually sharing a bed was out of the question.

Any of you going through anything similar? There has been a lot of news lately about homes getting smaller, but there has also been news about it being more common to build homes with two master bedrooms, as husbands and wives have their own spaces for the actual sleeping.

Normal Straight Men Appreciate the Female Form

Married Man Sex Life responded to a young wife who asked why her husband is attracted to other women. She asked if she isn’t good enough.

It's actually normal for a husband to have a general sexual interest in other women. For a 20 year old husband it's very normal. 20 year old males are basically hard wired to screw anything that moves. So in that sense it's not "about you". It's just the testosterone talking in him. The husbands that don't have a general sexual interest in other women have wives that write to me asking how to get their husbands interested in sex with them. So the good news is that your husband is heterosexual and has a pulse.

Yes, be honest wives. Wouldn't you rather have a husband who is attracted to other women in addition to you (but doesn't stray) with you occasionally noticing him checking out other women... than a man who has no sex drive or is a closeted homosexual?

So rather than frame the question as "why does he want other women / why am I not good enough?", why not see it as "he has a high sexual drive / he's expressing he needs help with it".

What you can do is actively listen to him about it. You can let him vent and express frustration, but also be clear that the appropriate person to have sex with is you, that there will indeed be negative consequences for sleeping with someone other than you. Plus you have to have sex with him. If you define yourself as his sole sexual outlet, you have to be that outlet or eventually that with blow up on you.

Dennis Prager, who talks and writes much about male sexuality, puts it more or less as "thank your husband for not straying" and never rebuff him. He says that if women could experience what it felt like to be a normal man, they would be amazed that any man avoids infidelity.

Badger Nation commented:

Don't want to speculate on the reader's background, but it's like they think once the modern piece of paper is signed thousands of years of biological programming should just switch off and he should only have eyes for her.

A good husband value his wife over all other women. But that doesn't mean he will not look at other women, even if his is married to the most beautiful woman in the world. He'll try not to be tacky about it, and he will satisfy his urges by making love to his wife.

Previously: Distressed By Normal Masculine Traits

She Sure Showed Him

This entry used to analyze news from a LATimes.com blog. But I have changed it per request. I got this comment from "Gotoh3ll":

You might think it’s all fun and jokes but she was my sister and she meant the world to me. Almost ten years later and nothing infuriates me more than seeing how insensitive someone like you can be. She has a daughter and one day when she searches her mothers name she’ll find how someone treated her mothers death with ZERO decency. You should really be ashamed of yourself. If you have any type of heart you would delete this post.

What I had done was examine a report from Shan Li that was printed in this LATimes.com blog.

The news report said a 27-year-old woman died after pouring gasoline on herself and igniting it after fighting with her 44-year-old shack-up boyfriend.

I feel for her brother.

I feel for her daughter.

I feel for anyone who loved her.

It sucks when someone you love is self-destructive, even more so when they die young as a result.

I'll wrap this up by keeping the last line I had written:

This poor woman needed some help. Too bad she didn't get it.

Another Sexless Marriage

More bad avertising for marriage. MISSING THE KISSING wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife and I have been married 40 years.

That's a long time these days.

Five years ago, she told me she didn't want me in our bedroom and that she is "off limits."

Great! Separate bedrooms. That means you never have to talk with her, right? And she won't see who you're bringing into your bed. No more answering to her requests, either. You'll still have to pay her bills, unless you don't mind lousy credit. If you really want to be in that bedroom, though, you can. The law says it is much yours and it is hers.

She said she is not interested in me "that way" anymore.

Now keep in mind, if someone saw this guy out with another woman, he would be the one getting trashed. Or, if his wife told others at church that he was looking at porn, he would get trashed.

These people are what, 60, 65 years old? There are still some good years left.

Other than that, we have a great marriage and we're best friends, but I can't go on like this.

Of course not. It is like saying "Other than the fact that my car doesn't move, it is a great car!" Oh, and best friends don't treat each other this way.

I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go.

Counseling wouldn't help, unless it is you getting counseling from a lawyer or "counseling" from a woman.

What do you think I should do?

1. Inform her that she's broken her marital vows. 2. Make sure you are shooting blanks (vasectomy, subsequent testing). 3. Discretely enjoy hookups. I would say get a girlfriend, but a girlfriend will likely demand more at some point. Better to keep things on the booty call level. Things have changed a lot since you got married. Women are giving it up no strings attached to strangers. Many, having a bad or no relationship with their fathers, are attracted to older men.

Okay, if you really want to do it the right way, divorce her and find a new wife. Although the problem with that is 1) splitting the property and paying alimony, with the lawyers taking their cuts and 2) you have no guarantee of actually finding another wife.

Ladies, if you know a woman like this, let them know that this isn't okay. It is women like this who have contributed to some men going on a marriage strike.

Wanting the Wedding, Not the Marriage

You've probably heard by now that Dr. Laura is taking her program to subscription satellite radio and planning to make some changes to it. It should be interesting as she feels less pressure to be politically correct.

Anyway, I have subscribed to her website and so I get to download every second of her show – at leat what they want to put online. Her infamous n-word call (for which she has duly apologized) didn't make it to the website. But that kind of editing is rare.

Because I hear every call, I got to hear the one she wrote about in this blog entry, "Girlfriends Compete Over Wedding Days".

Well, my caller told me she was engaged and planning a wedding, and her friend is also engaged and planning a wedding....and the friend's wedding is happening sooner than hers.

"SHE STOLE MY THUNDER," my caller said.

What? The triviality with which this young woman saw "friendship" and "marital vows" was astounding. I gasped and said that her friend's wedding - nor any other event in the world - could steal any thunder, as it was not about thunder. It was about lifelong vows in front of God, family and community to love, honor, and cherish 'til death do you part.

Too many people, women especially, want the wedding. They don't think enough about the marriage, nor do all of them really want a marriage.

She hung up on me.

I don't blame her. I was hoping she was ferociously ashamed of using a man who loved her with vows of love, loyalty and fidelity as a "win" over a girlfriend. Yeesh!

My heart goes out to this guy, who will probably have to get her pregnant before her friend and get the new car and house before her friend does. He won't be measured by his character and warmth -- he'll be measured by how much and how fast he gets her to trump her "friend."

Yeah, it's rather scary. Hopefully, he or someone he knew heard the call or he’s seeing the red flags. Getting married is one of the biggest decisions anyone can make, and it is personally catastrophic if you marry the wrong person. Who knows how much money this guy is or his parents are spending on the wedding? How much alimony will she get when she divorces him? And more importantly, what will it do to him emotionally? Hopefully, she will mature and change her attitude before they have any kids.

My wife's sister was engaged to be married before we were engaged, but we had our wedding before she had her wedding. We didn't tell them to have a long engagement, which they did, but we did have what I would consider a short engagement. My wife was a virgin when we married, and her sister was shacking up with her man. Those facts probably had something to do with the length of the engagements and timing of the weddings. It was a bit of an issue with her sister (who is younger) that we got married first, but nothing along the lines of the caller.

A Reminder

Ladies, have you taken the Hot Lover Wife Quiz? Let me know what you think.

Guys, tell me if I have missed anything.

Is Equality Important or Not?

Here's a woman complaining about a man wanting things to be strictly equal between them. UNFAIRLY EQUAL IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby in regards to her husband, who is the father of her dauther.

Leon is hung up on things being "equal." This can range from whose "turn" it is to do the dishes, change the diapers, put our daughter to bed -- to exactly how many days we spend with each set of parents. If we travel to see my parents, we must also travel to see his.

Isn't that what feminists said they wanted? Equality?

This "equal" obsession drives me nuts.

Yeah, I could see how it would. It often drives me nuts. But the law in community property states demands equality.

Yes, I believe men and women should be treated equally by the government as much as possible, and I try to personally treat men and women equally as human beings, but I do stick to certain traditions and it is ridiculous to pretend that there is no difference between men and women. Difference does not mean superior/inferior.

I'm fully in support of "fair," but if I'm busy making dinner, it seems to me that he could change the baby's diaper even if it's my "turn."

Or maybe you could schedule things differently. Or, contaminate dinner.

A marriage is a partnership, and I believe in picking up the slack when Leon is overwhelmed, sick or tired. Why can't he do the same for me?

If he is so obsessed with equality, than I'm sure that he picks up the slack for every time you pick up the slack, but that's it. So you are saying you are more often overwhelmed, sickened, or tired than Leon?

I wonder who earns more?

So, dear readers, what do you think about this situation?

It seems to me like an example of why potential spouses should separately write out how they expect things to be in their marriage – What would the ideal workday look like – what would happen during the course of that entire day? What would the ideal regular day off look like? What would vacation look like? What would certain holidays look like? Figure that out through every phase of the marriage... newlywed and childness, during pregnancy, with a baby, with a toddler, with an older child, with an empty nest, etc. Sure, there are unforeseen things that will have an impact on these things, but by knowing what someone's ideal expectations would be, you can compare notes to see how compatible the visions are, and what the other person's priorities are likely to be.

That is something my wife and I should have done. We only nailed down some generalities – I would be the breadwinner, she would stop working to have kids, etc. I wish we would have discussed what she was going to do with the kids when I was busy, what was going to happen when I was around, and so many other things.

Thankfully, my wife and I are not so bent on "equality".

Dear Abby responded:

Because, for whatever reason, your husband is obsessed with the idea that he's going to get the short end of the stick -- if you'll forgive the vernacular.

Maybe he is afraid she will get cheated. Maybe he's just looking out for his wife.

However, he isn't going to change until he realizes he has a problem.

So wanting gender equality in marriage is a problem? That's an interesting thing for Dear Abby say. When men suggeste certain women of having mental, social, or emotional problems for certain feminist beliefs, they were tarred and feathered.