Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Is Equality Important or Not?

Here's a woman complaining about a man wanting things to be strictly equal between them. UNFAIRLY EQUAL IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby in regards to her husband, who is the father of her dauther.

Leon is hung up on things being "equal." This can range from whose "turn" it is to do the dishes, change the diapers, put our daughter to bed -- to exactly how many days we spend with each set of parents. If we travel to see my parents, we must also travel to see his.
Isn't that what feminists said they wanted? Equality?

This "equal" obsession drives me nuts.
Yeah, I could see how it would. It often drives me nuts. But the law in community property states demands equality.

Yes, I believe men and women should be treated equally by the government as much as possible, and I try to personally treat men and women equally as human beings, but I do stick to certain traditions and it is ridiculous to pretend that there is no difference between men and women. Difference does not mean superior/inferior.

I'm fully in support of "fair," but if I'm busy making dinner, it seems to me that he could change the baby's diaper even if it's my "turn."
Or maybe you could schedule things differently. Or, contaminate dinner.

A marriage is a partnership, and I believe in picking up the slack when Leon is overwhelmed, sick or tired. Why can't he do the same for me?
If he is so obsessed with equality, than I'm sure that he picks up the slack for every time you pick up the slack, but that's it. So you are saying you are more often overwhelmed, sickened, or tired than Leon?

I wonder who earns more?

So, dear readers, what do you think about this situation?

It seems to me like an example of why potential spouses should separately write out how they expect things to be in their marriage – What would the ideal workday look like – what would happen during the course of that entire day? What would the ideal regular day off look like? What would vacation look like? What would certain holidays look like? Figure that out through every phase of the marriage... newlywed and childness, during pregnancy, with a baby, with a toddler, with an older child, with an empty nest, etc. Sure, there are unforeseen things that will have an impact on these things, but by knowing what someone's ideal expectations would be, you can compare notes to see how compatible the visions are, and what the other person's priorities are likely to be.

That is something my wife and I should have done. We only nailed down some generalities – I would be the breadwinner, she would stop working to have kids, etc. I wish we would have discussed what she was going to do with the kids when I was busy, what was going to happen when I was around, and so many other things.

Thankfully, my wife and I are not so bent on "equality".

Dear Abby responded:

Because, for whatever reason, your husband is obsessed with the idea that he's going to get the short end of the stick -- if you'll forgive the vernacular.
Maybe he is afraid she will get cheated. Maybe he's just looking out for his wife.

However, he isn't going to change until he realizes he has a problem.
So wanting gender equality in marriage is a problem? That's an interesting thing for Dear Abby say. When men suggeste certain women of having mental, social, or emotional problems for certain feminist beliefs, they were tarred and feathered.

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