Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Another Sexless Marriage

More bad avertising for marriage. MISSING THE KISSING wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife and I have been married 40 years.
That's a long time these days.

Five years ago, she told me she didn't want me in our bedroom and that she is "off limits."
Great! Separate bedrooms. That means you never have to talk with her, right? And she won't see who you're bringing into your bed. No more answering to her requests, either. You'll still have to pay her bills, unless you don't mind lousy credit. If you really want to be in that bedroom, though, you can. The law says it is much yours and it is hers.

She said she is not interested in me "that way" anymore.
Now keep in mind, if someone saw this guy out with another woman, he would be the one getting trashed. Or, if his wife told others at church that he was looking at porn, he would get trashed.

These people are what, 60, 65 years old? There are still some good years left.

Other than that, we have a great marriage and we're best friends, but I can't go on like this.
Of course not. It is like saying "Other than the fact that my car doesn't move, it is a great car!" Oh, and best friends don't treat each other this way.

I have suggested counseling, but she refuses to go.
Counseling wouldn't help, unless it is you getting counseling from a lawyer or "counseling" from a woman.

What do you think I should do?
1. Inform her that she's broken her marital vows. 2. Make sure you are shooting blanks (vasectomy, subsequent testing). 3. Discretely enjoy hookups. I would say get a girlfriend, but a girlfriend will likely demand more at some point. Better to keep things on the booty call level. Things have changed a lot since you got married. Women are giving it up no strings attached to strangers. Many, having a bad or no relationship with their fathers, are attracted to older men.

Okay, if you really want to do it the right way, divorce her and find a new wife. Although the problem with that is 1) splitting the property and paying alimony, with the lawyers taking their cuts and 2) you have no guarantee of actually finding another wife.

Ladies, if you know a woman like this, let them know that this isn't okay. It is women like this who have contributed to some men going on a marriage strike.


  1. As if the decrepit, over-rated institution of marriage needs any bad advertising.

    I'm always amused when I read some Christian relationship "expert" portray marriage and celibacy as if they are mutually exclusive.

  2. My understanding of the Bible is that spouses are obligates to make love to each other. Some are refusers, and they are breaking thir vows. So yes, refusers do exist in the church. Meanwhile, there are unmarrieds in the church struggling to refrain from fornicating, and would love to trade places with the refusers. I wish the church would put as much attention on spousal refusal as it does on porn viewing or fornication.

  3. Anonymous5:36 PM

    I'm of the opinion that sex and marriage have become mutually exclusive and separate entities. She isn't interested in him 'that way' anymore, huh? She thus does not regard him as a husband anymore and she is just along for the ride. Either that, or someone else is around that she is interested in 'that way'.

    Sex is not about intimacy with women. It's about control. She obviously is trying to punish him for something that she hasn't the nerve to mention to his face.

    This guy is in denial. He doesn't have a marriage, let alone a great one. He just lacks the sack to lay down the law, and tell her to start acting like a wife as opposed to some spoiled little control freak, or she can get the keys to the street.

  4. Marriage and sex have definitely been made distinct in our culture, but I wouldn't say that they are mutually exclsuive as a rule, only in some cases. I have written before that I have had less sexual frequency as a married man than I had as an unmarried man. My wife did not cut back - she was a virgin when we married. So for her, it is more sex, of course.

    As far as a the letter... it is possible she has a hormonal problem or something else that has completely turned off her sex drive. But she should WANT to see what could be done about that. That she doesn't shows she doesn't care about her husband. And that could definitely be about control. Many women use sex a control mechanism or bargaining chip or "loss leader". It is fine for a wife to use sex for "manipulation" if it means she starts giving her husband more sex in order to make the marriage better. But when she starts cutting back to manipulate, that's another story.


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