Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Another Six Months?

These women who are having sex without commitment who then want commitment from the guy who is used to having casual sex with them keep writing in to the advice columns, oblivious to reality.

"Antsy Regarding my Future" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am 25 years old, and my boyfriend is 37.
Good for him.

We’ve been dating for a year and a half.
That's good.

I want to move in with him so we can take the relationship to the next level, but I think he is afraid of commitment.
Shacking up is a bad idea all around. But I love the "afraid of commitment" allegation. The question is, to what would he be committing? Shacking up is not a commitment. But when the "afraid of commitment" charge is applied to marriage, then legally (and as such, the only commitment that can be enforced by the authorities), the commitment in question is this:

1. He, being the person who earns more, will be obligated to pay you money should he leave or you leave, regardless of the reason. In some places, he will be required to pay you money for life if you leave him after just ten years.

2. Half of everything acquired during the marriage will be yours, even if you never have kids but quit your job, hinder his career, and don't lift a finger around the house.

3. He will assume financial responsibility for any child born to you during the marriage, even if you made that child with the person for whom you leave him.

Call that "afraid of commitment" if you want, but it seems strange to present someone with a legal agreement that puts them at considerable risk with no guaranteed upside, especially when that person is getting just about everything they want already, and then if they are hestitant to sign that agreement, call them "afraid of commitment".

He says he wants marriage and kids one day, but he's already 37 and doesn't seem to be making any moves in those directions.
This wouldn’t be a problem if you were dating other people, too, which you should be doing.

He wants me to wait six more months and then revisit the topic.
I bet he doesn't want you to wait six more months before having sex again, and I bet you won't.

I love him and want to be with him, but six months is a long time to wait when there isn’t even a guarantee that he would be willing to let me move in then.
Your choice is this: 1) Keep enjoying his company as he's been offering it; or 2) Stop seeing him. Take your pick.

Also, I am not from this state and would not stay here if it weren’t for him.
So you've agreed to live somewhere you don't want to live just for someone you are dating? You know, part of the condition of picking my wife was whether or not she would agree to live in the basic geographic area I wanted to live. There could have been great women in other states and staying in other states, but they couldn't be my wife if we lived in different states. If you really don't want to be there, go where you want to be and find someone who is there or willing to move there.

What should I do?
Keep wishing until your eggs are all gone. That's a good idea, right?

Dear Margo responded:

What is the hurry, my dear?
Hurry? She's old enough and they've been dating long enough for a proposal. And if they're going to have kids, they'd better get started soon. He's getting kind of old to start.

The ideal situation (for you) would be for him to be the one wishing to hurry things up.
Yeah, but that's not the reality of the situation. It would be ideal if he had a six-pack and billion of dollars, too.

His reluctance may be uncertainty, a desire to live alone or some foreknowledge that you are not "the one."
It could also be that whether he just wants sex, or whether he really does want marriage and kids, shacking up is detrimental to both goals.


  1. Yes, until women understand that their desire to be "liberated" has essentially and completely ruined the foundation of marriage and commitment, they will continue to whine that men don't want to commit.

    Indeed, when you allow a man to have sex with you, thus fulfilling a beautiful and deep (no pun intended) God-given gift, without being your husband, he has no need, desire or requirement to get married. Why bother?

    Living together is no more a commitment than having sex with someone one night that you meet at a bar. You have no legal bond, you have no vested interest, other than maybe having to find a new roomie to share the cable bill with when he/she decides you "didn't match up".

    New studies show that people living together before marriage have a 75% higher chance of divorce than the average divorce rate. So liberating!

    I talked recently about this living togetherness on my blog in a post about undermining marriage.

    God Bless!

  2. Thanks, Andrea. Very well said.


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