I Don't See Tophats in This Gentleman's Club

Now here's a liberal wife. THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT? IN SALT LAKE CITY wrote to Dear Abby:

My husband and I generally agree on most major issues. We agree to disagree on the minor ones.

This is a very good way to have it.

But there is one issue I think is major and he thinks is minor -- strip clubs.

Well, yes, women and men tend to see these things differently. Not always, but in general, yes.

He sees nothing wrong with having women give him lap dances.

Although, as I've said on this blog, I was a very bad boy for some of my unmarried years and as such I fornicated, but I've never been to a strip club. I've never been entertained in person by a stripper – not even for my bachelor party. I'd like my wife to dance and strip for me, but she doesn't think she has the moves for it. (Note to wives: It doesn't matter what YOU think, it matters what your HUBBY thinks. You can think your rear is boring, but he still wants to see you shake it.)

With that disclaimer having been said, I am finding it difficult to explain exactly why it is wrong for a husband to get a lap dance from a hired woman but it is okay for a wife to get a massage from a hired man. Are they different? Of course they are different, but men and women are different and our sexuality is different. But how are they different enough so that one is wrong and the other is okay? What many women get out of a good massage, many men get out of a lap dance. If I have to check "wrong" or "not wrong" by lap dance, I want to check "wrong". But perhaps that is my conditioning, because I can't explain why it is wrong if the massage isn't. Husbands are applauded for buying their wives a day at the spa. Yet it is rare for a woman to buy her husband a lap dance. Can someone explain the objective difference to me? I'm not trying to trick anyone into an argument. I'd sincerely appreciate a logical, objective explanation as to why one is wrong and the other is okay. I would pay for my wife to go to the spa and get a massage. I know, however, she would not pay to get me a lap dance.

He compares it to seeing a movie -- it's "entertainment."

Eh... it is more like theater than a movie. Which makes me wonder if there are people who think going to see Vegas-style showgirls is okay but going to a strip club isn't. If so, where is the line drawn?

Abby, I'm not a prude. I wouldn't care if he went to a strip club for a bachelor party, and I don't object about his extensive porn collection.

So there's another layer. She's fine with his "extensive" porn collection. Would she be okay with him getting a message from a woman? If so, would she be okay with him getting a massage while he viewed porn? Isn’t that pretty much the same thing as a lap dance?

But it makes me feel he isn't getting what he needs from me when he goes to a strip club by himself.

Then go with him. But seriously, he is probably getting what he needs from you. What he wants, however, is visual variety, and the porn isn’t enough, apparently. Heck, the guy may have a bit of a problem if he’s having sex whenever he wants it with his wife, has a porn collection, and frequents the strip clubs.

I expect my husband to understand and respect my feelings. Is that too much to ask, or am I being unreasonable?

In general, spouses should be sensitive to the feelings of each other. However, decisions often can't be based on the feelings of one spouse. What if he said he doesn't want you eating your favorite dish? Should you give it up? If going to the club and getting lap dances is wrong, that is why he should stop, even if you felt fine with it.

Two more points.

Women will sometimes say something like, "Do you know what those women really think of you?" or whatever. It doesn't matter to the guy, any more than he cares what Sandra Bullock thinks of him, or what the postal clerk thinks of him. He's paying for a service, and some guys would rather pay a woman to give him a lap dance than pay a woman to sit across a restaurant table from him.

I can understand why a married man would be a customer. I don't understand why single men are in this day and age. The married man sees it as a chance to see the flesh of other women without cheating – at least, not cheating according to our culture. Single men are simply being idiotic when they throw money away at these places, given how immodest and easy women are these days for free. I don't know – like I said, I haven't been there – maybe it is more a matter of being a place for guys to hang out together without having wives, girlfriends, or female coworkers around.

Dear Abby responded:

Because you prefer he not be there alone and he refuses to quit, consider going with him.

Really? Or is that one of those reverse psychology things in that he'll not want to keep going if she goes with him? That could backfire, because he might enjoy her being there. She should tell her husband that for every dollar and minute he spends, she'll be spending the same amount on getting massages from hired men.

One final note. Ladies, if your guy is frequenting these places, don't take pole dancing classes as a counter. If you want to be able to pole dance for him regardless, that’s great. But if he's frequenting these places, he's not going there to look at the poles. He’s going there because other women are there. If I was a woman, I would not marry a man knowing he frequents these places, but then again I would marry a man who had past sexual experience, whether one night stands or long term relationships.

Your thoughts???