Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Here’s a Clueless Woman

This woman is being played like a fiddle. "Down in the Dumps" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I’m a 45-year-old professional woman who’s been with a really great guy for nine months. He broke up with his girlfriend of five years to be with me.
That’s interesting. How did that happen, unless he started seeing you behind her back?

He’s kind and thoughtful (takes my shoes off after a hard day, brings me coffee in bed in the morning, spoils my dog), sweet, loving and very sexual.
How does he do all of that, given you aren’t married and not living together... right?

He has his place, and I have mine.
As it should be when you are dating. I guess he must have a key to your place?

We make plans to see each other two or three times a week, but he cancels or just doesn’t show up at least half the time.
Very interesting.

He makes no excuses, doesn’t apologize and gives no details.
He's got game.

I honestly don’t think he’s cheating.
Well of course he's not cheating. He's not committed to anyone, so how could be he cheating even if he's having sex with a bunch of women?

We have spoken about this issue many times, yet I find myself sitting at home in my bathing suit: We’d made plans to go to the beach, but he went to an amusement park with his buddies.
It works for him. He gets to keep having sex with you, and still do everything else he wants.

I've never met his buddies, except for two, or been invited to any of his functions.
Sounds like Leykis 101 student, although she does fall out of the target age range for his students who are out of their early 20s.

He says a lot of his friends are in his ex-girlfriend’s circle and he wants to give it time before he brings someone in.
Oh, that's a good one.

I’m at the point where he makes plans with me and I expect them to be broken.
He's got you well trained. Do you ever actually go out with him? Or are you just a booty call?

I hate feeling this way.
And yet you enable it.

One last thing: He was in a very bad accident 10 years ago. He had a traumatic brain injury and says it affects his relationships and thought processes.
Oh man, that's another good one. Let's assume it is true. So what? Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life? If it is a lie, it certainly is a useful one. He gets an excuse for everything and gets sympathy.

What’s the big picture that I’m not seeing?
You're one of his sex toys.

Dear Margo pretty much agreed. She points out that he could be married.

As long as women put up with this, there will be guys who do it. It really doesn't matter to the guys whether or not these women have graduate degrees or not, what kind of money they make, or anything like that. All they care about is that the woman will continue to have sex with them without being too much trouble (including asking "too much" of them).


  1. curiepoint5:21 AM

    Believe me, women do this sort of thing too. Although, the excuse usually runs along the lines of "I want you all to myself. I don't want to introduce you to my friends because I don't like to share".

    It's as big a load of crap as anything the man in the letter is doing.

  2. Thanks, curiepoint. I see what you mean. A guy who was just looking for sex and maybe a little companionship might not care if a woman did that to him. But a guy who wants a serious relationship definitely would. If they're not married but want to be, someone might keep their girlfriend or boyfriend from their friends because they're trying to give a false impression of who they really are, and meeting their friends would make it easier to see through it.

  3. Curiepoint1:20 PM

    As you might have surmised, I have been through this with someone. I had met her family, and made a good impression on them, even her brothers.

    Yet her friends thought of me as some sort of mystery man, if she ever even mentioned me to them. My personal belief is that she was carrying on with her married boss, or had her eye on him. Letting it be known to her friends that I was in her life would cramp her style and all chances for sleeping with the men at her work were pretty much going to be out of the question.

    Though there were a couple of her friends who were having affairs while their husbands were deployed in Iraq, and one who just up and left her fiance' because she fell for a biker thug. So maybe they were able to keep her "secret".

    I know for a fact that she would rather have kept our relationship to just sexual dalliances and the occasional financial support. I wasn't going to be a part of that.

  4. Geez. So sorry you went through that.


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