Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 13

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here and Part 9 here and Part 10 here. and Part 11 here and Part 12 here.


Don't you want to raise children in the best environment?

There is more than one way to answer this depending on your situation.

A) I don't want children.

B) I am willing to sacrifice my desire to have children to avoid burdening a woman.

C) I haven't found a compatible woman who is suitable to be a good mother.

D) The terrible state marriage contract does nothing to help my children other than making it less likely I will leave. Since I will not leave my children, the terrible state contract does nothing positive. This is one of those apparent correlations; people who get along well and live healthy lives are likely to be good co-parents AND get/stay married. However, we can be good co-parents without the terrible state contract. Behavior is what matters. She's either going to cooperate and be a good mother or she won't. A state contract that rewards her for divorcing and further encourages her to divorce by emasculating me certainly won't help.

Mind you, anyone who argued during the push to have two dudes be able to legally marry that "marriage isn't about children" shouldn't be attempting to use this argument. Plenty of other people will try to use it, because when all unmarried child raising is compared to all married child raising, children appear to be better off being raised within marriage. But of course that data never separates out parenting by people who intentionally avoided marriage even though they got along well and shared goals, including the goal of raising children together.

You do not need a terrible state contract to raise children well.

Dr. Laura Asked If Men Are Idiots for Marrying

On her Tuesday, March 22, 2022 program, Dr. Laura read part of something from Jordan Gray found at Good Men Project. It was titled "I Used To Think That Men Who Got Married Were Idiots."

I used to think that men who got married were idiots.

Or, if they weren’t idiots, they were at least undesirable enough that they just had to settle for whoever chose them… because why else would you tie yourself to someone for life if the reason weren’t that you didn’t have any other romantic options?

I mean, seriously… getting married??

Okay so… you get a couple of months of hot sex, in exchange for a lifetime of indentured servitude to someone who eventually takes you for granted and sees you as a walking wallet and then stops having sex with you and makes jokes with her friends about what a dumbass you are? And that’s if you even manage to stay together… because what’s even more likely is that she eventually leaves you, takes the kids, and steals half of your life savings in the process.

Who in their right mind would sign up for such a thing?

Didn’t these guys realize that, if you really break down the benefits of marriage into their fundamental components, you could hire out all of these needs for way less money than what your lifestyle of snotty nosed kids and inevitable divorce would cost you?

And I’m not speaking hyperbolically here!

Here, I’ll prove it to you…

You could hire someone to come to your house to do a deep clean every other week for, depending on the size of your house, let’s say $200/month.

You don’t want to cook for yourself? Okay, you could hire a meal prepping service who could make your lunches and dinners (you can fend for yourself with a super simple breakfast) for $2,000/month.

Okay, cooking and cleaning are taken care of for less than the cost of your mortgage payment… what’s left? Oh right, the big one. Sex!

Depending on how fancy you are and the legality of sex work in your local area, you could see a sex worker every week for the rest of your life and spend no more than $1-2,000 per month on that expense.

So if you tally up the monthly costs of outsourcing predictable, guaranteed, high-quality cooking, cleaning, and sex… you’re looking at no more than $50,000 per year in total expenses. Now, that might sound like a lot to some in the short-term… but if you compare that to the average cost of raising children, and the amount of money you’ll inevitably have to shell out in your divorce, this is an absolute bargain.

That's where she stopped reading. She took calls from men after that, asking them "Are men idiots for getting married?" At first, she wanted calls from married men, but she had trouble getting enough calls, so she took them from any men (who passed the screeners). The thing is, Dr. Laura promotes marriage. When she deviates from her program's usual format for things like this, she wants a specific answer. It isn't really her trying to give people time to say whatever they want. She will deny anything that goes against her point.

Gray's essay was pretty good up until that point. I waited for her to go back to finish reading the piece, but she never did. Let's see why.

What If Being Free Was Just as Visible as Marriage?

A smaller percentage of Americans are married now than any time in American history.

Marriage, however, is constantly visible and it is sold with gusto, more than anything through focusing on weddings. What if being free was just as visible as marriage?

• What if it was common to have jewelry, photography, gifts, announcements, a series of parties, meals, ceremonies, special attire, receptions, cards, and anniversary celebrations related to divorce?
• What if we celebrated the free status of never-married person every year they were free?
• What if it was common to change your name or title based on your status of having chosen not to marry?
  

Seriously. What if, every year a man (or a woman) has made it through life avoiding marriage, there was a celebration of it? What if, when a man (or a woman) decided they wanted to stay free, there was a series of parties and a ceremony and reception for it? What if we had "independence counselors" like we have marriage counselors? (There's probably far less money in that, because free people don't have to argue with someone who shares their residence and bank account!)

What if more media depicted freedom as something to which to aspire? What if we encouraged kids to dream about growing up to be free?

What if more people posted on social media things like, "I came home to peace and quiet, with everything the way I want it. So glad to be free!"?

Men, especially, need to let younger men and boys see that being free can be a great life, and there's no shame in it at all.

The Marriage Seller Pivot

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who try to convince men to marry (marriage sellers) quite often do a pivot.

They usually start their sales pitch appealing to your own self-interest. They say things like:

Married men earn more money

Married men are healthier

Married men live longer

Married men are happier

Married men have more and better sex

But when those of us who know better point out:

• Married men are also taller, meaning that marriage didn't cause men to be richer, healthier, live longer, be happier, have more and better sex, and get taller. Rather, women are far more likely to marry and stay married to men who earn more, are healthier, are happier, more sexually compatible, and taller.
  
• "Married" men are being compared as a group to all "unmarred" men, which consists of diverse groups, including divorced men and men who can't attract a wife (because they are sick, poor, unhappy, etc.) The stats marriage sellers are trying to use to show marrying benefits men never separate out intentionally unmarried men for comparison, many of whom are wealthier, healthier, happier, and having more, better, and more diverse sex than most husbands.
• Over half of everything a married man earns/owns legally belongs to his wife, who can take it away at any time for any reason, and 80 percent of spending decisions in a marriage are made by a wife, often to buy things a man doesn't want and won't use, so my unmarried counterpart only has to earn 51 percent of what I do to be better off than me.
  
• Men have often been conditioned to think they are losers, failures, or sinners if not married, or that complaining about their marriage is a sin or negative confession, and thus might say they are happy (if husbands) and unhappy (if still looking for a wife) as a result.

...marriage sellers will often pivot. They might try an ad hominem attack, call you bitter, ungrateful (if you're married), selfish, loser, immature, incel, misogynist, or even say marriage isn't a bed of roses for women either (which is an odd way to try to sell it).

The more careful ones, though, will pivot from "You'll be so much better off!" to "You have an obligation to get married." They don't lead with the obligation/duty approach because they know it isn't nearly as appealing as the first approach. With the "obligation" approach, they say things like:

Marriage is good for society
Marriage matures men
The Lord wants you to get married

Those are largely circular arguments or, like the first set, involve supposed correlation rather than demonstrable causation in the direction from marriage to positive outcome. If someone asserts something like "marriage is good for society," ask them to explain how. They'll probably say something about fatherless kids being a problem on society. But if you will not create children and then abandon them, where is the issue? They might say that it's better for a woman to have a husband than depend on government. But those aren't the only options. How about teaching and encouraging women to be truly independent?

There simply is no general Biblical command to marry that applies to every man today, especially not to get a bad contract from a secular state or engage in the common behaviors of today's social concept of marriage. Yes, the Lord, according to the Bible, doesn't want you trying to steal away another man's wife from him, so don't do that. Getting married certainly doesn't stop that! Notice the Bible doesn't tell you what steps to take to be married, as in "Do X, Y, and Z, and then you'll be married." That seems kind of like an important thing to be left out if everyone is supposed to marry.

Prager University even tried to teach viewers that married men are sexier.

Pay attention if you hear someone who effectively dismantles the claims of a marriage seller that married men are better off, and you might notice the marriage seller try a pivot.

Stay free, men.

Weddings Are Highly Visible But Marriage Isn't A Wedding

Weddings are highly visible. They are often prominent in both fictional media and "reality" media, including news and gossip outlets. They are announced all over, there are save the date notices, formal invites, and thank-yous. There are wedding registries. There are special dresses. There are entire websites/shops dedicated to weddings. There are wedding rings. There are bridal showers, wedding showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, receptions, anniversary celebrations, elaborate proposals, engagement announcements, engagement rings, wedding photographers, wedding planners, cakes and cake tasting, flowers, on and on it goes.

If the people getting married are happy through those things, that's fortunate.

But marriage isn't a wedding.

Here are some of the things about marriage and its aftermath that are hidden or far less visible:

• One spouse having to pick up after another
• The spouse who has/earns more money having to pay for bills generated by the other, especially for things the paying spouse didn't want or couldn't enjoy
• One spouse feeling stifled by the other
• Abandoned dreams
• Alienation from family of origin
• Alienation from friends
  
• Arguments, disputes, conflicts
  
• Cruel words
• Mood swings
  
• Loneliness
• Disappointment 
• One spouse not being able to sleep or relax because of the other
  
• Walking on eggshells
  
• Nagging
• Frustration
• Disrespect
  
• Irritation and annoyance
• Emotional rejection
  
• Sexual rejection
• Boredom and monotony
  
• Affairs
  
• Marriage counseling
• Indifference
  
• Contempt
  
• Visits by law enforcement due to reports of possible domestic violence
• Actual domestic violence
  
• One spouse murdering the other
• One spouse subjecting the other to their substance abuse
• Abandonment
• Physical separation
• Legal separation
• Consulting divorce lawyers
• Paying divorce lawyers
• Court battles over divorce
• Dividing assets
• Ongoing payments, such as alimony
  

What if those things were as visible as weddings? What if people were to tell you and put on their social media "We're going through a really crappy time in our marriage right now" whenever that was the case? Do you think there might be fewer weddings?

There are many people who have an interest, especially a financial interest, in other people getting married. People have been selling marriage. They emphasize the good and keep the bad quiet. Talking about the bad is "tacky" or a "sin" or a "betrayal" or a "negative confession."

But what if reality wasn't hushed up so much?

Yet Another Example of Why Men Should Avoid Marrying

Every once in a while, the mask slips.

Yesterday (January 4, 2022), this, screencapped below in case it disappears, was posted on the Dr. Laura Program official Facebook page. [This entry has been bumped up.]



Many women commented on it, about how men need to jump through more hoops in order to get sex from their woman.

Typical right? We hear and read that all of the time.

About 24 hours later, this was posted on the very same Facebook page, again, screencapped below in case it goes away.



How can this be reconciled with the first post? Simple! Tell the boyfriends to stop doing so much for her. Right??? I mean, then her sexual desire will be reduced. Right???

The men had fun with this one, commenting on this second posting:




Dr. Laura does monitor and comment on her program's official Facebook page (unlike Twitter, which she doesn't personally check), so it will be interesting to see if she responds to this, deletes something (including some comments from men), or what.

There is a larger point here than two apparently contradictory posts on the same page in about a 24-hour span.

It is that many (most?) women DO NOT need ANYTHING in order to be sexual. The proof is in how women behave, often from first dates (or hookups without even going on a date), all the way until their wedding or the birth of a child. The proof is in affairs. The woman in the second post doesn't need her boyfriend to jump through hoops. She wants sex with them.

A BIG tell is single mothers. If she was able to have sex with him plenty when they were dating, even though she had LESS help around the house, and then he marries her and thus is doing more than before they were married, and the sex dwindles, that shows "he needs to do more" is dung. (Don't date or marry single mothers, though, guys.)

The only way "Hey, husband, you need to jump through more hoops" is true is if he needs to do more because she is now less attracted to him because of age and/or marriage, and if that is common, then it is all the more reason for men to STAY FREE and date women who are more attracted, or go into monk mode.

None of this is to say men who've been ignorant, delusional, desperate, or masochistic enough to marry shouldn't contribute around the home or shouldn't romance their wife. Rather, this is to again demonstrate an inconsistency between what woman (and marriage sellers) say, and how women actually behave.

See something I wrote before about this topic.

Another Reason For Men to Avoid the Marriage Track

 

Guys, there are many reasons almost none of you are husband material and you should reorient your thinking and efforts away from finding a wife.

I’m adding another one I just heard Dr. Laura give. She has long said men shouldn’t use social media. But recently, relevant to when I’m writing this, she has also said “liking” pictures of women in swimsuits disqualifies you. That’s what she told a young woman who was dating a guy for about half a year.

Heed what she says, guys.

Spend your time, money, and energy doing other than looking for a wife. Want female companionship? Run game. 

My Core Advice To Men

AVOID LEGALLY MARRYING

One of the main reasons this blog still exists to urge most men to refuse to legally marry.

JUST SAY NO, GUYS!!!

Legal marriage is a terrible state contract that's a bad deal for most men, most marriages fail, and men can have happy, full, productive, honorable lives, getting everything they want out of life without ever legally marrying. It has never been easier to do so!

Furthermore, most men shouldn’t legally marry because 1) they aren’t suited to it, 2) aren’t positioned to do it, 3) aren’t living in a culture that supports it, and 4) won’t find a suitable woman with whom they could.

Being unmarried is our default state. Don't propose marriage, don't accept marriage proposals, don't sign any paperwork that could inaugurate a legal marriage. To get married, you have to do something. Why do those things if being legally married isn't worth it and is likely to be harmful to you? There simply is no good reason, for most men, to get legally married. The question isn't "Why aren't you married?" or "Why not get married?" It's "Why would I get married?" There's no good answer to that, for most men.

You can have much more time, money, freedom, and peace if you stop trying to find and keep a wife. Embrace being a free man. Enjoy your independence. Date or hook up if you want. But avoid entering that terrible state contract called marriage.

People who tell you to get legally married are selling you something hoping to benefit themselves.

Legally marrying takes power, money, autonomy, freedom, and choices away from you. That terrible state contract means you'll be inviting the state further into your personal life and you'll take on responsibilities, obligations, chores, risks, limitations, restrictions, aggravations, annoyances, irritations, nagging, arguments, compromises, and sacrifices without any guaranteed benefit for you, and what benefits you might get can all be obtained without legally marrying.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 10

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here and Part 9 here.

Single men waste a lot of time and money running around chasing women.

So do a lot of married men!

But seriously, when a man signs a terrible state contract, his money and time are no longer his own. They are controlled by his wife. Marriage sellers think that is a good thing, and not wasteful.

The men who try this argument reveal that they considered what they did/do when unmarried to be a waste. And maybe it was. Whether the time and money he spends is a waste is up to him to decide.

But many unmarried men, especially free men who know what they're doing, which might include running game, don't waste much time or money and are very much happy with being unmarried.

If a man runs game, he won't be spending a lot of time and money. He's definitely spending less than a husband, though a common complaint of wives is that their husband isn't spending a lot of time and money "chasing" her. How is buying overpriced flowers that will be withered and discarded soon, or chocolates for an obese wife NOT wasting money? You know what a waste of money is? Paying for two sets of divorce lawyers because you interred into a terrible state contract even though you didn't need to.

If you're really so worried that "single" men are wasting time and money how about showing them how to live the life they want for less time and money spent, instead of urging them to sign a terrible state contract?

Part 11

Marriage Transfers Wealth and Power

Guys, marriage transfers your wealth and power to a woman.

That's the primary thing it does when it comes to legalities and social realities.

It doesn't provide you with sex, love, affection, companionship, loyalty, exclusivity, respect, domestic services, or children from a woman. Those are things she can provide without a state marriage license, without a ceremony, without a ring, and getting married will not mean she will be legally or socially obligated to provide those things to you. She can stop providing them at any time, kick you out of your own home, and alienate your children from you. You, however, can be compelled by the force of law to keep paying her way through life, even for things you didn't want her to buy and didn't use, even things that benefit her other lovers.

What we now call marriage is emasculating.

A Free Man runs his own life, decides what to do with his earnings, and retains his power.

A married man only has power and control over his own life and earnings in so much as his wife allows.

Being in an "exclusive" relationship, living together unmarried, having children together is almost being married, when it comes to freedom and control over your life, with the biggest difference being the absence of the official state financial contract.

The best way to run your own life and control your own wealth is to stay free.

Do you think it would be a good thing to transfer your wealth and power to a particular woman, because you think she'd handle them better than you? Well, the fatal flaw in our current legal and social marriage is that most women are turned off by that. Despite what many self-identified feminists say, most women who marry want the man to take charge, even if those women don't say so or can't even articulate that to themselves. Most women who want a husband are turned off by emasculated men, and marriage emasculates men. These realities have killed many marriages.

Don't play that game.

Get your act together and keep your act together.

Stay free.

Don't Do Things You Can't Afford

Matt Walsh writes a lot of good stuff. I follow him on Twitter. I haven't listened to his podcasts or read his book. Every once in a while, I disagree with what he writes, and this is one of those times. [This is bumped up from May 2017.]

This time, Walsh wrote to encourage people to go ahead and have children young. Walsh is greatly disturbed that so many people his age are still living with a parent, but even if they're not, he's still bothered that they're not marrying, and not having children. And it probably bothers him a lot (though he doesn't say it in this column) that most of them are fornicating and/or masturbating.

I generally do think people should move out of their parents' home when they finish with college or before, but it doesn't bother me in the slightest that people are not marrying and not having children.

I was 27 and broke when we had kids.

And that was irresponsible of Walsh.

They were twins, so we became a family of four right out of the gate. We didn’t really know anybody where we lived, and we were about 600 miles from the nearest family member.

Bad planning.

I wasn’t making much money at my job, we had nothing in savings, and we were pretty far in the red because of medical bills and my wife’s student loan debt.

This is what you SHOULD NOT DO, kids.

...it’s clear that we were not in what our society would consider the “ideal” position to get married or have kids. We weren’t ready. We couldn’t afford it. And yet we did get married and we did have kids.

Which was irresponsible.

And here we are. All of us (five of us now). Still breathing, somehow.

Yes, it is called debt, handouts from family, and, for a lot of people, public assistance in one form or another. If Walsh avoided all three of these things, I'd be very surprised.

My generation has been stuck in neutral for years, not wanting to get married, not wanting to have kids, refusing to move out of mom’s house and be adults, always insisting that we aren’t “ready.”

People can be living on their own and still not want to get married and even if they do want to marry, still not want to have kids.

How to Just Say No To Giving Up Your Freedom

Guys, especially if you're a certain age (and that age can vary by geography), people are going to hound you about how you should get married and crank out kids. It could come from your family, coworkers, neighbors, clergy, congregants at your religious institution, strangers in the supermarket, whomever. (If you're Mormon or an Evangelical Christian, lookout! And if you ARE Mormon, you're probably better off getting out of that whole thing entirely, but that's not my focus right now.)

If you're in a supposedly exclusive relationship, and you shouldn't be, they will be pressuring you to marry her (and of course she'll be doing that herself). If you're living together they will ramp it up. (Hit the eject button if you're living together!) If you're not in a relationship, they will try to fix you up.

But you should stay a free man.

If you're a free man, and you show no sign of getting married or even having an exclusive relationship, people might say crap about you, questioning your sexual orientation or maturity or responsibility or whatever else. They might call you selfish. Don't let that get to you. Enduring all of that is a small price to pay for being free.

I've given practical advice for avoiding relationships before, but that was mostly about dealing with would-be matchmakers, and I wanted to give some more useful advice in dealing with people who try to meddle in your life.

You probably have a very good set of reasons why you want to stay free. And it IS your default status; you weren't born with a wife or children and you have to DO something to get those people.  But you don't want to waste your time arguing or offending someone. So here's what you do...

At Work - You should refuse to discuss personal matters at work, let alone date a coworker or someone a coworker tries to set you up with. NO NO NO!!! Simply refuse to talk about any personal matters whatsoever. Establish that as your policy. Ignore attempts to get you to talk about personal matters, or, better yet, redirect the conversation. "Excuse me, I'm here to work." "When will those reports be ready?" "Here's what you requested. Is there anything else?" Come up with sentences like that to use based on how you know things are at work.

Your Family -  Many people get more pressure from family members than from anywhere else. You might risk losing your inheritance. And if your parents are going to be that way, well, you're better off not counting on an inheritance, assuming they even have much of an estate in the first place. If they bring up the ol' "When are you going to settle down?" you can get up and leave, you can end the call or texting conversation. Or you can say, "I am settled down." Or you can say, "When I find the home in which I want to die." "I like my life the way it is." is a good one to use. If they try the "Don't you want someone to take care of you?" Simply say "No." It's a short word and it can end things. If they insist on pursuing the topic, you can turn it around on them and start talking about all of the problems they have as a result of having a partner/spouse and/or children. But if you can, cut things off and redirect, or leave.

Your Friends - You're going to lose friends as some marry and their wives keep them busy and on a leash. Your buddy's wife especially won't want your existence reminding him of what his life could be (or used to be) as a free man. Heck, you might not want to hang out with him anymore if he becomes incapable of talking about anything other than his wife and kids.

Your married buddies might encourage you to marry, because they think that'll make it easier to get together, or because misery loves company. Don't fall for it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you get married, you'll keep your friends who are married or marrying. There's no guarantee that if you married you'd still be friends. Your wives might fight. Your wives might keep each of you busy.

If your married buddy does start in on how you should get married, you can deflect it with something like "If you're happy, I'm happy for you. It's just not for me, and marriage is the kind of thing in which both people have to be enthusiastically all-in, right?" Avoid discussing the issue with or in front of his wife. All it is going to do is give her ammunition she'll use to tell your buddy you're a bad influence.

Beware of thinly disguised blind dates. Your friend and his wife might want to meet up somewhere, and when you get there, what a coincidence, your buddy's wife's friend or sister just happens to be along. If you really don't want to endure that, you're within your rights to feign getting an urgent message on your phone, or not feeling well, and leaving. If you do stay, your buddy and his wife might try to prompt you to talk about yourself, but reveal as little as possible, and instead pivot the topic right back to them, or, if you're willing, on the woman with whom they're trying to fix you up.

There's a good chance your buddy will, sooner or later, be divorced. So keep that in mind and don't burn bridges.

Find friends among like-minded men, so that them getting ensnared in marriage is less likely. There are various forums for free men (MGTOW and otherwise).

Your Neighbors - This depends on what kind of relationship you have with your neighbors. However, if you're close with some neighbors, watch out for them trying to fix you up with someone. They might do something like throw a party and, what a coincidence, they'll introduce you to some woman they know who hears her clock ticking or has bills to pay. They might even try to pair you up with a party game. See the "blind date" advice above.

If you're not particularly close with your neighbors, it should be easy to redirect any of their questions back onto them.

Your Service Providers - This could be anyone from your doctor, accountant, dry cleaner... anyone. They work for you. You can take your business elsewhere. So it should be easier to shut things down any time one of them tells you that you should "find a nice girl" or "settle down". Redirect the conversation to the business topic at hand. They should get the hint.

Your Pastor or Bible Study Leader - I can't speak to every religion. Some religions treat free men as though they're some sort of threat to the flock. Or they try to rope you in to doing things for those poor "single mothers" in the congregation. "I don't feel called to marriage" might work, depending on the place you're attending. If you attend a Bible-as-the-top-authority church, you can make a point by asking for the passages that name Jesus' wife or those of the apostles and disciples. Surely, if getting married was necessary, the Bible would provide all of those. See here for more about this.

Stay Free!!!

Most men these days should be free men. So if you are a free man, good for you and I hope this will help you stay free. Women will try to get their hooks into you. They might try to "bait and switch" you or use "loss leaders"... behaving a certain way, making certain promises, saying the "right" things, until you've signed on the dotted line or they have your child. Don't let that happen to you. In social terms, she is depreciating in social value while demand is increasing for you. So don't enter into a bad deal.

Keep in mind all of things you get to do that you wouldn't if you were married, especially with kids, and had to do things the wife "needed" or wanted you to do. Remember that doing just about anything is less expensive and less of a hassle, from eating at restaurants to traveling to buying groceries, because you're a free man.

People who want you to give up your freedom will try to make it seem like marriage is blissful and helpful, so it's good to have good stories about the free life handy to remember or even counter with; it also helps to remember whatever troubles they've had with their spouse or children that they might not be thinking of at the moment. Usually, you won't have to actually bring those up, but they're good to remember when they're doing their sales pitch.

Remember: at work or with coworkers, play the professionalism card. "I don't mix business with pleasure." "I'm here to work."

In the other areas of your life, it should  be enough to say "I like my life the way it is. I'm happy." and repeat that as often as necessary. A couple of other good sentences are "I can't give a wife everything a wife should have."

Learn to say "No", and "I'm not going to discuss this" and "That's none of your business" and "That's private."

It's your body. It's your money. It's your time. It's your home. It's your life. Keep it that way!

Do you have any tips to add? Any good phrases? You can comment, including anonymously, below.

Wanting to be a Husband or Father

Guys, there's nothing inherently wrong with having a desire to be a "husband and father."

What I mean by that is that most people want some amount of companionship, and most people want to reproduce.

Society has traditionally channeled these into marriage. When most of us were living on family farms, that made sense. A man could get his own farm hands (and before that, hunting assistants) by growing them himself. Eventually, he'd get injured or ill or otherwise feeble and his progeny could take care of him and then bury him. To get those farm hands, he needed at least one woman. The woman would also provide companionship for him. He had incentive to protect her and the young children and make sure they had food to eat, and to teach those children (what some might call "mansplaining"). A woman could often feed the youngest children from her own body via breastfeeding.

For a man, underlying the desire to raise children was his desire to create his own assistants and allies. The desire for female companionship usually, conveniently, enabled the creation of those children.

But life has changed.

The State Marriage Contract Is Bad

If you're a breadwinning man, the state marriage contract is bad. Some states are worse than others, but every state's marriage contract is bad. What it does is:

• Forces you to share your earnings; anything you buy with your earnings also belongs to her
• Obligates you to pay the lawyers who will attack you should either of you want a divorce.
  
• Obligates you to make payments to her no matter how terribly she behaves, even if she cheats on you and leaves. In some places these payments can continue for the rest of your life.
• Assigns paternity (financial responsibility) to you should she get pregnant, even if she was knocked up by cheating. If you WANT paternity, you can get it without being legally married.
• Makes her your default beneficiary (meaning, she financially benefits if you die). If you WANT her to be your beneficiary, you can do that without being legally married.
• Makes her your next of kin, so she can make medical decisions for you. Again, if you WANT her to have that power, you can arrange for that without being legally married.
• She can be placed on your insurance. That is of no benefit to you.
  

Legally marrying does not keep her around or faithful, doesn't provide you with love or honor or cherishing, doesn't provide you with sex or any affection at all, doesn't provide you with any domestic services. It provides you no benefits whatsoever that you can't otherwise get. It's basically a mechanism to move wealth and power from you to her, regardless of how she treats you.

Most men shouldn't agree to sign a state marriage license (contract) or otherwise enter into a state marriage contract (which, in some places, can happen pretty much by living together long enough).

A woman who asks, invites, or pressures you to agree to enter into such a contract is asking you to do something that's bad for you. That's not a loving thing for her to do.

A woman who wants to be a good wife can be a good wife without the bad state contract. You two can negotiate agreements, including legally binding agreements (such as for a joint account), if you want, although anything that would be legally binding should involve lawyers. This way, you can avoid or mitigate some of the terrible elements of the state contract. For example, you might agree that she can live in your place and you'll keep a certain amount of money in a joint account she can use, and you'll make regular contributions ("gifts") to a retirement account for her, only as long as you are on good terms. She'd have no claim or expectation to ongoing payments from you, half of any of your assets, or equity in the house should the relationship end. All that stuff has to be worked out with attorneys, and my best advice is never to live together at all, not to have joint accounts, and never let a woman get "accustomed" to financial/material support from you, but my point is that if a woman is willing to truly "take care" of you and you're willing to compensate her in return, that can be done without legally marrying.

Remember, you don't need to legally marry to:

• have companionship
• have dates
• have sex
• have a wedding ceremony
• commit
  
• share a residence
• share finances
• be monogamous
• have children

So reject the terrible state “marriage” contract. Keep your power, money, and freedom. 

Don't Oppress Or Burden Women

Before the wave of feminism that grew in the 1960s and 1970s, women who were housewives were oppressed and depressed from having to tend to a husband, the children, and home, while being treated as less than human since she couldn't have assets and accounts without her husband's participation or approval. Many of these women wanted careers, but were prevented from having them. Some of these women wanted to freed from servitude to a man or children, but they didn't have real options.

And those are just the white women with high earning husbands. Women of color had to have jobs on top of all of the rest of the stuff.

Now, although they can have careers and bank accounts, so many women are with men who don't contribute enough at home, don't do enough of the emotional labor, sexually harass and rape their wife, fiancee or girlfriend, and are terrible lovers.

Men are a burden on women. Women don't need men. Women don't like husbands.

These are things you'd know if you were enlightened by social media or certain college classes, movies, or books.

Guys, STOP IMPOSING UPON WOMEN. Respect their independence, autonomy, and capability. Do not move in with them. Protect a woman from her own temporary miscalculation by refusing to her let move in with you, don't impregnate them, don't propose marriage to them, and don't marry them. It's OK to be available to them, temporarily, when they want you around, but don't burden any woman by staying with her or being demanding of her time. Never be so cruel as to make a woman a housewife or stay-at-home mom. If that's what a woman says she wants, she clearly must be suffering from the inadequacy of our mental health system or misleading patriarchal indoctrination; don't take advantage of her!

Avoid mansplaining at work and in your personal life.

Stop bothering women. Leave them alone. Date when they come to you, but keep those dates short.

Respect women, guys!

Don't Go Further Down That Ladder

During his Male-Female Hour on Wednesday, January 25, 2023, Dennis Prager again tried to fool men into legally marrying.

This time, he did it under the guise of asking people who lived together before marriage what the difference was after they married.

Except he didn't leave it at that.

He asked men if they really want to go through life saying "This is my girlfriend" instead of "This is my wife."

See, he has an emotional fixation or being married and being a husband that he picked up very early in his childhood, and so that's a compelling argument to him. People who think through it rationally might say, "Yes, I'd rather keep saying that." or "We can all each other whatever we want. Nobody in our life ever asks to see a marriage license or wedding photos. So I can call her my wife without getting a terrible state contract."

He added that adults have wives and husbands, children have boyfriends and girlfriends.

Says who??? Again, this is his emotional fixation at work. Dr. Laura callers make a point of calling their spouse their boyfriend or girlfriend. (There are some things I would PAY to hear Dennis Prager and Dr. Laura discuss together.)

He said getting married is announcing to the world that you are committed.

Here comes one of his favorite phrases: "So What?"

Most people understand and accept that people who are living together, even people who aren't living together but consider themselves a couple, are committed in the sense that, unless they have indicated they swing or whatever, they are off-limits to new love interests. If one is being invited to an informal engagement, the other is being invited unless it was planned as "no partners."

As Dennis knows, anyone can divorce at any time. Getting legally married is committing to nothing more than a shift in wealth - usually from a man to a woman. That's the only commitment.

People can make an announcement of their commitment without a ceremony, without a terrible state contract.

Dennis asked what the argument for NOT marrying is if you've been living together for years, but he kind of answered his own question: the state contract is terrible.

He argues that living together unmarried is different than living together married. If he wasn't emotionally fixated on being married no matter how many divorces you've had, the answer is in his declaration: living together unmarried is different than being married. Some people are going to prefer living together unmarried. We all know Dennis doesn't. But most men don't have the emotional fixation he does.

Kudos to the last caller, who said his faith took him away from remarrying after his wife and the mother of his children divorced him.

As I've made clear repeatedly on this blog, I think shacking up generally a bad idea (although, there are situations in which is preferable to legally marrying.) So, I'm not defending unmarried cohabitation. Rather, I'm tired of Dennis Prager trying to fool men into legally marrying. He wants men to go further down that ladder. I don't.

Most Men Shouldn’t Marry Nor Have Children

Most men shouldn’t marry nor have children, so most boys should not be raised with the assumption that they will or should marry, and they definitely shouldn’t be raised with the assumption that they will have a lasting, happy marriage.

I realize there are religions out there that pretty much mandate people marry and try to have children. I can’t argue with every different religious organization that claims to have authority over your life. What I do know is that the Bible, taken as a whole and rightly divided, does not mandate you marry and have children. Don’t tell me contraception, tubal ligations, hysterectomies, and vasectomies are wrong because they are are unnatural, as you accept artificial medical treatments, live in a home that has been constructed, and drink water and eat food that has been processed in some way.

Most men shouldn’t marry or have children because 1) they aren’t suited to it, 2) aren’t positioned to do it, 3) aren’t living in a culture that supports it, and 4) won’t find a suitable woman with whom they could.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 8

 

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here.


Men don't do well alone.

Some men don't do well alone. Some women don't, too. So what? Why should that compel men who don't want to sign a terrible state contract to do so? How about teaching more people how to thrive independently?

Some men are responsible, happy, thriving, and productive on their own.

Men certainly don't do well in bad marriages or when they are screwed over by the family courts.

Ask the marriage seller where they are getting this idea from. It may be from media, which tends to portray men as bumbling fools who need a woman to run their life. They might try to use statistics, which almost always is a matter that comes down to "which is the cart, and which is the horse.” For example, certain crimes tend to be committed by young, unmarried men. But young men are likely to be unmarried, unless they are members of certain religious subgroups, and maybe the fact that they are violent criminals is why they aren't married; implying that signing a terrible state contract magically turns criminals into great citizens is bizarre. Why should any woman be asked to take that on?

When a woman says men don't do well alone, she might be revealing that she has a low opinion of men. When a man says it, he's usually telling on himself. He didn't do well alone, or at least that's how he remembers it. I did great on my own. I was in great financial shape, and doing well physically, professionally, socially, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I didn't go hungry, lived in cleanliness, had clean clothes to wear, and had good hygiene. I was dating, I learned not to waste my time or money when I did.

You can probably cite examples of men who have done well on their own. You might be one of them.

Finally, just because someone won't sign a terrible state contract doesn't mean they are alone.

So, some of the ways to answer this include:

A) I'm doing fantastic alone!

B) I'm not married, and yet I'm not alone.

C) It's not a binary choice. Being unmarried doesn't necessarily mean being alone.

D) It's never been easier to thrive being alone. Let's show more people how they can.

E) Would you please explain what you mean by that? (They will likely use statistics in a misleading way, or hallucinate about some poor slob who can't take care of himself. If the latter, ask them if they mean that wives should take care of husbands as if they are their mother.)


It isn't good for man to be alone.

This is either the same thing as the assertion above or citation of Genesis. This assertion has no effect on anyone who doesn't take the first few chapters of Genesis as prescriptive and authoritative for how we live today. It's like trying to order one's life around the understanding that tortoises beat hares in speed.

If someone does consider the early chapters of Genesis to have prescriptive authority over life today, then they can note that this was a statement made when Adam was completely alone. In that sense, none of us are alone anymore as there are over eight billion people in the world now.

So the answer here is, "We're not alone."

If the person who is trying this on you respects what Christians all the New Testament, point to Paul and Jesus himself (although Mormons believe Jesus married).

Finally, ask them if they’re opposed to any pain relief in childbirth, since the early chapters of Genesis also say Eve will give birth in pain.

Be fruitful and multiply.

As with the statement above, this is a statement in early Genesis. There is no indication that it is directed at all people in all places for all time. It was directed at two people.

Humanity has multiplied. It has been done.

So the answer here is "We have."

Also, we can multiply without a terrible state contract.

You can find Biblical passages about all sorts of activities the person using this verse hasn't done themselves.

In today's world, men can thrive without signing a terrible state contract with a woman. Living in your own residence by yourself does not mean being alone. We have friends, family, neighbors, and we can have companionship.

Part 9

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 6

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here.


It sounds better to say "This is my wife" instead of "This is my girlfriend."

This is another assertion of made by marriage sellers that requires you to simply accept and agree in order for it to work. It's based entirely on personal preferences. In contrast, Dr. Laura, herself a marriage seller, has encouraged her married listeners to think of, and call, themselves their husband's girlfriend or their wife's boyfriend.

For people who say this, like Dennis Prager, it is based on his emotional fixation on marriage. My own convictions have me reacting almost entirely in the opposite way, meaning I feel better when a man introduces me to his girlfriend than his wife. When he introduces me to his wife, I usually feel sorry for him, and when he introduces me to his fiancee, I want to pull him aside and warn him.

So, again, there are several ways to respond to this.

A) That's your personal preference. My preference is different.

B) It sounds even better to say "I get to do what I want to do."

C) Men who run game don't introduce their dates at all.

It is amazing that people like Dennis Prager want to you sign a terrible state contract because he thinks it sounds better to say "wife" instead of "girlfriend."

A word of caution. Yes, you can call a woman your "wife" even though you're not legally married to her. Depending on where you live and the other things you do, though, that might put you into the same legal/financial jeopardy as getting legally married. So, "girlfriend" is definitely better.

Part 7

Reminder: Stay or Get Free

 

With June almost here, I’m issuing this urgent reminder to stay free.

If you aren’t free, but haven’t filed the terrible state contract often called marriage, don’t file or sign it. Get free. Then stay free.

You don’t need to be married.

What Makes You Think You'll Succeed At What Better Men Failed?

If you are heading for, or even just "open to" marriage, consider that many admirable, smart men have been divorced. Some multiple times. Men you personally know. Men you know about.

Why have they been divorced?

Here are the options:

1) They picked wrong.
2) They didn't treat their wife right.
3) During the marriage, their wife suffered from a trauma or illness that caused her to become the wrong wife.
4) The present system itself is deeply problematic.
5) More than one of the above.

If these good men picked wrong, what makes you think you will pick better or are picking better?

If these good men didn't treat their wife right, what makes you think you will be better at how you do marriage?

There are traumas/illnesses that are unavoidable. So, even if you pick right and treat right, you can still end up being miserably married or divorced.

If the present system is deeply problematic, that's the system into which you'd be marrying. What is that system? 1) Family law and courts transfer money and power away from you, to a woman, and reward bad behavior and women for divorce. 2) Socialization doesn't prepare women to be good wives and discourages them from being good wives. 3) Misandrist culture emasculates men and punishes them for being husbands and fathers.

Again, what makes you think you're going to beat the system? What makes you think you're going to succeed at what so many better men failed?

There's a lot about Dennis Prager I admire, and he seems to have a great grasp on human behavior and human nature and most of the dynamics between men and women, and his first marriage was, statistically, started when it had a good chance of lasting (he was in his late twenties or into his thirties, not some immature 19 year-old). And yet, that marriage didn't last and his second marriage didn't last either. He'd tell you to do what he did, and get married a third time, because it is inconceivable to him that men should learn to thrive on their own, because he formed, very early in his life, an emotional fixation on men being husbands.

Today, in the twenty-first century, men can thrive being free. There is no good reason for most men to sign a terrible state marriage contract. The contract is of no benefit to most men, and you can live a great, happy, fulfilled life without it. So why take on the risks and obligations of something at which so many better men have failed?

This isn't like technological development, in which knowledge accumulates. Human nature, if it is evolving, doesn't evolve fast enough to mean that what men want has changed in the last few thousand years. So, this isn't like "I can build a better rocket." The social aspects of marriage involve dealing with a woman. Female nature, like male nature, hasn't changed much, but the socialization of women has, and not in a way that supports lasting, happy marriages. When that is paired with the fact that our current legal system and current culture will empower a wife to ruin your life, it is arrogance or delusion to see that some great men haven't had lasting, happy marriages - in fact most men who have married have failed marriages - but think you are going to succeed at it.

Why take that risk, when you can get everything you need and want in life without doing so?

Stay free, guys.

As always, you are welcome to comment below. It would be especially interesting to hear about good men you know who have had a failed marriage, or how you thought you could do better and you found out otherwise.

Is Getting Married a Smart Short-Term Financial Move For a Man?

I was listening to podcasts from the Dr. Laura Show from mid-June 2015, and she took a call from a woman whose grown daughter was in a five-year relationship, and NOT shacking up with the guy. Both of them had been pursuing graduate degrees. The reason the guy had given to the caller's daughter about not yet being married was financial. Dr. Laura scoffed at this and noted he's supporting himself and paying rent, so there would be no cost to to marrying and moving in the caller's daughter. [This entry has been bumped up.]

I've heard Dennis Prager express similar ideas.

Dr. Laura did acknowledge that having children would increase costs.

A lot of guys fall for the mistake in thinking that moving in a wife or a shack-up honey will be 1) financially efficient and 2) a good financial decision. Let's just stick to moving in a wife, since shacking up is a horrible idea all around, and Dr. Laura would discourage it. [Marrying is almost always a horrible idea for men, too.]

The reality is, it isn't as simple as "Oh, now she's here so she can contribute to rent." The ideal portrayed is that, after marrying, these two will continue to earn at least as much as they already are in their respective jobs, and they will eliminate redundant expenses. and would be able to buy some things they'd usually buy separately "in bulk" together. But how often does it really work on that way?

In no particular order:

1) Moving a wife in means getting married. While Dr. Laura often tells the joint biological parents who are shacking up to run down to the county office and get married (because marriage is correlated to benefits to the children), it is highly unlikely this woman, who has been dating this guy for five years and not shacking up with him, would agree to that. Instead, an expensive wedding and related expensive events/purchases would be "necessary".

2) Once married, women tend to push for children (and others also apply pressure to have children) or "forget" to take contraception.

3) Most likely, his utility and grocery costs will increase, along with his vehicle maintenance and operation costs.

4) She will start buying all sorts of stuff they don't really need, since she won't feel like she needs to be tight with her money for survival. His money will now legally be her money, so she won't feel the need to be thrifty. Also, she will insist on redecorating, and throwing out and replacing everything from cookware to furniture, especially if some other woman he had sex with ever touched any of it.

5) For much the same reasons as #4, she might push for a bigger apartment or a home purchase.

6) She will pressure him to work less and avoid networking happy hours, to make social engagements she's arranged, and to keep him from spending time with other women, who are now fully integrated into workplaces. She will also likely discourage him from taking promotions that would involve moving or changing health plans or might put him on the radar of women she thinks are more attractive than her.

7) She will likely work less.


Don't even try the "married men earn more money" line.

There's probably a bunch I'm forgetting. The point is, dismissing financial concerns as unfounded fails the reality test. Now maybe he's just using it as an excuse. But it isn't necessarily the case. And  these things  are just the short-term, because that was the issue. The claim was that the man wanted to be on better financial footing before marrying. For the long term, marrying will definitely be against his financial advantage, as at least half of everything he'll earn will be hers by law.

One Exception To "You Knew This Before You Married"

When Dr. Laura has a caller complaining about something in their marriage, she will almost always have one of these two statements as part of her response, even if she uses different wording:

1) You knew this about them before you married them.

2) You didn't spend enough time getting to know them before you married them. 

Usually, it is true. I do maintain, though that people: 1) CAN hide who they truly are, and especially a bad habit, for the 24-33 months she recommends before marrying, and 2) people can be changed negatively by illness or trauma.

But what I wanted to talk about was sex. 

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 9

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here.


These questions are closely related, and so the answers can be adapted.


Don't you want someone special in your life?

There is more than one way to answer this depending on your situation.

A) No.

B) I have multiple special people in my life.

C) I am someone special in my life.

D) I can/do have someone special in my life without a terrible state contract.

E) Everything in life is a tradeoff. I'd much rather be guaranteed my freedom than have the possibility of having a wife, and even if having one, only for as long as she chooses to stay.

F) I just haven't been able to find her.


Don't you want to come home to somebody?

This is a variation on the previous question, and all of the answers for that question work. In addition, many married men come home to an empty home.


Don't you want to grow old with somebody?

This is another variation of the previous question. Marrying doesn't mean you will grow old with someone. Plenty of people who married grow old alone.

You can also say that no, you don't want to grow old with someone. You want to be with adults who want to be with you, and to whom you're attracted, whatever your age and whatever their age.


Don't you want someone to take care of you when you're older?

That's what long-term care insurance and medical professionals are for.


Who'll be there for you when you die? Who will care?

You want me to sign a terrible state contract with someone and endure their crap for 60 years in case it makes it more likely they'll be there when I'm dying? People who do something with their life or maintain good friendships will be mourned. Both of those things are easier if a man stays free.


You're going to end up sad and alone.

Most people who end up sad and alone married.


It's amazing how people want you to spend a life in a terrible state contract and, likely, a terrible arrangement, giving up your freedom and sacrificing your dreams and what you want to do, so that one specific person might be there when you die or are getting close to death.

Part 10

One Flesh Or Not?

Dr. Laura will often tell wives calling in (and thus wives listening to her show) that it's not a big deal for a husband (and father of minor children) to enjoy adult media...

...as long as he's not doing it instead of being with her and the adult media doesn't feature children, small farm animals, men (gay porn), or barely legal adults.

This has to greatly upset the portion of her audience that has bought into the anti-porn panic/hysteria about how it turns brains into mush and turns men into serial killers, or women who consider to be a form of infidelity.

But what about the other end of this spectrum? Dr. Laura, like a lot of other relationship experts, says it's a problem if he's using such media instead of being with his willing wife. This appears to be a presumption that his body and sexuality belong to his wife.

What Do I Mean By Free Men?

I like using the term "Free Men."

What do I mean by that?

For the purposes of this blog and related communications, Free Men are men who are free of legal and financial entanglements with women.

Ideally, they are also free of social bondage to women and do not have any dependent children, especially not children over which a woman has any parental rights. 

A Free Man is, at the very least:

• Unmarried
  
  
• Residing independently from women
  
  
• Without legal or financial obligations with women, such as a cosign for a loan or account, co-ownership of property or anything else of significant value, a mortgage or rental agreement, paying child support, paying alimony or palimony. A woman should not have access to your home or finances; she should not be on a lease or rental agreement with you and should have no ownership rights over any home you own. You should never impregnate a woman or donate sperm or in any way look after or pay for her child (such as with a single mother who wants to be your "friend" or girlfriend.)
  
  
• Unrestrained by any agreement to exclusivity with a woman

Usually, he's also going to be childfree.

Put the Shackle Back On

On Tuesday, October 18, 2022, the Dr. Laura Program ran a call in the third hour that I'm almost certain was a repeat or was recorded off-air. Both are regular elements of the program.

The call was with a husband and wife. The husband had just left the wife within the last few days.

The focus of the call became the husband's claim that he left so he could do what he wanted to do. It sounded like he wanted to golf, fish, and certain other similar things.

Dr. Laura kept hounding him with "Why can't you do it while you're married to her?"

Then Dr. Laura said that she did what she wanted to do while married to her late husband. Note: Dr. Laura usually will not allow callers to compare themselves to her or ask what she'd personally do, but she often compares herself to the caller.

But there was a problem with that.

The caller was the husband. Dr. Laura was a wife. Dr. Laura usually notes significant differences between men and women, husbands and wives, and their power within marriage. In her marriage specifically, she had the fame and was a high income earner. She was also a trained psychotherapist. And for the last how many years of the marriage, Dr. Laura was in much better health and shape than her husband. OF COURSE SHE DID WHAT SHE WANTED.

A husband has little power other than to leave, and for most husbands, leaving still doesn't restore all of his power, and the courts will order the husband to spend a significant amount of his life earning money for his ex.

Many husbands can't do what they want because most wives have an extensive list of things (written or not) for the husband to do that occupies his time and energy, and if he doesn't do them or even if he does and his wife doesn't like what he wants to do with his leftover time, she can make his life a living Hell.

She can get hostile and bitchy. She can bitch at him and nag him, including while he's trying to sleep (that one is especially fun, I know from experience). She can shut down all affection. She can get him kicked out of his own home. She can spend him into debt. She can destroy his belongings. There's worse.

She urged the husband to go back to his wife, saying he can do what he wants to do and still be married. Yet, if he had already been doing what he wanted to do Dr. Laura might have gotten a call from the wife and told the wife she was married to a selfish man who didn't want to be married or that she "doesn't have a marriage."

It sounded to me like Dr. Laura was trying to prevent the wife from being a divorced woman at an age she would have slim pickings for a new husband. The call wasn't anywhere near long enough to get a good idea of what has really been going on in the marriage. Dr. Laura may have known due to a letter or what was discussed or sent back and forth prior to the call, but the listeners didn't.