Some of you attend a church or an equivalent. If you don’t, or you don’t care about staying a Free Man, skip over this entry.
Some of this might be adaptable to you if you attend a synagogue, temple, mosque, stake, Kingdom Hall, or some other congregation, but I’m most familiar with Protestant churches, especially of the “evangelical” variety.
Many people there, including most or all of the staff, want you to get married and raise children. They are suspicious of unmarried men. They think you have an obligation to wife up a woman, provide for her, and protect her with your very life, and raise children - the more the better. While they might give other reasons, the real reasons for this are primarily:
- Misery loves company
- They don’t want you having sex with someone who isn’t your wife
- You’re less likely to drop out of the church or go elsewhere if you have a wife who is a member there (oh, by they way, you can’t just marry anyone - she has to be acceptable to them)
- There are more women than men attending the church, and they want to reward women for attending
- Raising kids gives them hope of future tithe payers and volunteers
- Weddings are lucrative to the church, the pastor, the organist, and the wedding coordinator at the church
Here's How to Stay a Free Man as a Churchgoer:
1. Never be alone with a female congregant or staffer, or any children, especially if someone else there has tried to set that up. Especially avoid "single" or divorced or unmarried or widowed mothers of minor children. If you need an excuse, claim you got an urgent notification on your phone and you need to leave.
2. If you BRING a woman with you to the church, you'll get pressure. You really shouldn't bring a woman to church unless 1) she needs to be saved (in which case, note to anyone who tries to pressure you that missionary dating a bad idea), or 2) she needs some help from the church (in which case, you don't want to take advantage of her).
3. If they ask if you’re seeing anyone, tell them you’ll let them know if you have something to tell them, and then divert.*
4. Beware of the introductions that are really matchmaking attempts and stealth blind dates. Chances are, if a married man or a couple invites you to something, they’re probably going to try to set you up. If you find that any event or situation into which you're invited is a matchmaking attempt, quickly excuse yourself and leave, or find another guy there in the same situation and help him stay free. If you need an excuse, claim you got an urgent notification on your phone and you need to leave.
5. Don’t join the singles events/groups/fellowships/Bible studies. Only attended the mixed/general ones. Be careful about "men's" groups or events in which married men try to get unmarried men to join in their misery. There will be fellowships, parties, and informal gatherings to which you won’t be invited because you're not married. Don't let that bother you.
6. Consider keeping your presence at church and church events strictly religious. This would mean not sticking around to mingle after the service or Bible study. If you do mingle, try to do so with other unmarried guys. Maybe you can help them stay free. If you do this and you get approached by unmarried women in a group that just happens to have the same number of women as guys grouped around, pretend like you got an alert and you have to go.
7. Simply don’t ask any of the women out. If they ask you out, ask you to meet/join them somewhere, or ask you to come over, decline. Use the excuse that you’re not into women who chase men. If you think you want to ask a woman there out on a date, can you even explain why? You're going to be expected to pay for the date, and what are you hoping to get in return? Sex? Heck, she might even be sexually aggressive. But there is a good chance she will attempt to guilt trip you, and rumors might spread that you’re a wolf. Let's get real. Unless this is a tiny congregation, there are many unmarried couples there having sex, but it's not openly discussed. But no matter what, if you go on dates with a woman from this church, they will pressure you to "grow towards" marriage. Whatever you're hoping to get out of a woman there, you can find it elsewhere for less trouble. Whatever you're hoping to give a woman there, it'll be less trouble for you to find an appreciative women elsewhere.
8. There may be rumors or to-your-face accusations that you’re trouble, a player, rebellious, or gay. You’re not obligated to prove anything to them. Gossip and false witness are sins.
9. Someone might have the audacity to outright question your status. They might try the lines of “It’s not good for man to be alone” or “Be fruitful and multiply” or "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD."
There are a few ways to handle this.
A) Put the verses in context. Adam was alone; there were no other humans. We have billions and billions of other humans with us now; we're not alone. We HAVE been fruitful and multiplied; there are billions of us now. "Wife" in the context of Proverbs is very different from what a "wife" is today; very few women are willing to be a wife in the sense of a Proverbs wife. So, say you haven't found one.
B) If marriage is so important and necessary for every individual, why didn't Jesus marry (Mormons say He did)? Why doesn't the Bible name the wives the closest disciples of Jesus? Why aren't there instructions for a wedding ceremony in the Bible? Cite 1 Corinthians 7. In verse 7, Paul says "I wish that all of you were as I am." He means UNMARRIED. Go on to verse 8: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do." If someone asks, "What about context," point out verses 4-5: "The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.... Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time..." Most women don't want in on that deal. They call it "marital rape." Paul said to remain unmarried unless you had uncontrolled lust, and nobody at that church should be able to demonstrate that you have uncontrolled lust.
C) Tell them you are unable to provide a woman with the time and attention she deserves.
D) Tell them you are unable to provide enough for a wife. (They wouldn't want you cutting back on what you're giving to the church, right?)
E) "I'm not called to be married right now."
F) "I'm holding out for a godly woman with whom I will be compatible." Here's where the truth "We can't really know another person's heart" and the command/advice "Do not be unequally yoked" come in handy. You can't really know if any given woman is truly a believer, so you have reason NOT to marry her.
G) "I'm here to fellowship, praise, worship, learn about, and grow in the Lord, not as a dating service."
H) Divert.*
Insist that the Bible is your final authority, and that the Bible hasn't told you to get married, let alone to a specific woman. The Bible doesn't contain an extant, specific command that you are to marry. You are not obligated to date, let alone marry, any specific woman from that congregation or any woman anyone there tries to get you to date. Insist you will not discuss this issue further.
If you're looking to get into a staff or leadership position at this church, you might not be able to if they want married men. DO NOT let them pressure you into marriage. There's no reason you can't start a ministry for Free Men, which will most likely be unaffiliated with any church that wants men to marry.
Leave for another church if it comes down to it.
Keep In Mind
1. The happy, smiling, long-married couples who seem so sweet to each other? You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Marriages that look just like that have ended in affairs or worse, after they put on a good front for most of the congregation. Also, their marriage began in a different era. There is no way to ensure you'd find the same thing, if at all possible anymore.
2. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking a woman who is doing a sales job or is marketing herself is the exception. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that her attending that church or being active there, dressing a certain way, or carrying herself a certain way that she’ll be a good girlfriend or wife. You can’t count on her to be faithful, submissive, agreeable, sexually healthy, or anything else for which you'd be looking. She is trying to snag a husband (prize, meal-ticket, chore and errand boy, sperm donor). Once she has one, she's unlikely to keep her role-playing going.
3. If it's a typical evangelical church these days, they'll be praising the family, telling men they need to be husbands and fathers, telling men they need to be the leaders of their home (good luck with that - all the blame, none of the power), you have to serve your wife, you need to avoid looking at or even thinking about (depictions of) other women, you need to serve the church. Try not to laugh when they sermonize on porn yet again when it's evident that gossip, greed, gluttony, sloth, envy, and a whole lot of other sins are common in the congregation but going unaddressed. Endure these times by thinking of the men who have sacrificed themselves for the worldly sham of legal "marriage" and remembering what you DO like about being at that church.
*Divert by doing one or more of the following: 1. Change the subject, especially to the sermon or the passage studied (unless it was trying to get men to marry); 2. Ask them how they're doing or about something in their life; 3. Ask about someone in the congregation who is getting divorced, and how they're doing; 4. Walk away. If you need an excuse, claim you got an urgent notification on your phone and you need to leave.
5. Don’t join the singles events/groups/fellowships/Bible studies. Only attended the mixed/general ones. Be careful about "men's" groups or events in which married men try to get unmarried men to join in their misery. There will be fellowships, parties, and informal gatherings to which you won’t be invited because you're not married. Don't let that bother you.
6. Consider keeping your presence at church and church events strictly religious. This would mean not sticking around to mingle after the service or Bible study. If you do mingle, try to do so with other unmarried guys. Maybe you can help them stay free. If you do this and you get approached by unmarried women in a group that just happens to have the same number of women as guys grouped around, pretend like you got an alert and you have to go.
7. Simply don’t ask any of the women out. If they ask you out, ask you to meet/join them somewhere, or ask you to come over, decline. Use the excuse that you’re not into women who chase men. If you think you want to ask a woman there out on a date, can you even explain why? You're going to be expected to pay for the date, and what are you hoping to get in return? Sex? Heck, she might even be sexually aggressive. But there is a good chance she will attempt to guilt trip you, and rumors might spread that you’re a wolf. Let's get real. Unless this is a tiny congregation, there are many unmarried couples there having sex, but it's not openly discussed. But no matter what, if you go on dates with a woman from this church, they will pressure you to "grow towards" marriage. Whatever you're hoping to get out of a woman there, you can find it elsewhere for less trouble. Whatever you're hoping to give a woman there, it'll be less trouble for you to find an appreciative women elsewhere.
8. There may be rumors or to-your-face accusations that you’re trouble, a player, rebellious, or gay. You’re not obligated to prove anything to them. Gossip and false witness are sins.
9. Someone might have the audacity to outright question your status. They might try the lines of “It’s not good for man to be alone” or “Be fruitful and multiply” or "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD."
There are a few ways to handle this.
A) Put the verses in context. Adam was alone; there were no other humans. We have billions and billions of other humans with us now; we're not alone. We HAVE been fruitful and multiplied; there are billions of us now. "Wife" in the context of Proverbs is very different from what a "wife" is today; very few women are willing to be a wife in the sense of a Proverbs wife. So, say you haven't found one.
B) If marriage is so important and necessary for every individual, why didn't Jesus marry (Mormons say He did)? Why doesn't the Bible name the wives the closest disciples of Jesus? Why aren't there instructions for a wedding ceremony in the Bible? Cite 1 Corinthians 7. In verse 7, Paul says "I wish that all of you were as I am." He means UNMARRIED. Go on to verse 8: "Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do." If someone asks, "What about context," point out verses 4-5: "The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband.... Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time..." Most women don't want in on that deal. They call it "marital rape." Paul said to remain unmarried unless you had uncontrolled lust, and nobody at that church should be able to demonstrate that you have uncontrolled lust.
C) Tell them you are unable to provide a woman with the time and attention she deserves.
D) Tell them you are unable to provide enough for a wife. (They wouldn't want you cutting back on what you're giving to the church, right?)
E) "I'm not called to be married right now."
F) "I'm holding out for a godly woman with whom I will be compatible." Here's where the truth "We can't really know another person's heart" and the command/advice "Do not be unequally yoked" come in handy. You can't really know if any given woman is truly a believer, so you have reason NOT to marry her.
G) "I'm here to fellowship, praise, worship, learn about, and grow in the Lord, not as a dating service."
H) Divert.*
Insist that the Bible is your final authority, and that the Bible hasn't told you to get married, let alone to a specific woman. The Bible doesn't contain an extant, specific command that you are to marry. You are not obligated to date, let alone marry, any specific woman from that congregation or any woman anyone there tries to get you to date. Insist you will not discuss this issue further.
If you're looking to get into a staff or leadership position at this church, you might not be able to if they want married men. DO NOT let them pressure you into marriage. There's no reason you can't start a ministry for Free Men, which will most likely be unaffiliated with any church that wants men to marry.
Leave for another church if it comes down to it.
Keep In Mind
1. The happy, smiling, long-married couples who seem so sweet to each other? You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Marriages that look just like that have ended in affairs or worse, after they put on a good front for most of the congregation. Also, their marriage began in a different era. There is no way to ensure you'd find the same thing, if at all possible anymore.
2. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking a woman who is doing a sales job or is marketing herself is the exception. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that her attending that church or being active there, dressing a certain way, or carrying herself a certain way that she’ll be a good girlfriend or wife. You can’t count on her to be faithful, submissive, agreeable, sexually healthy, or anything else for which you'd be looking. She is trying to snag a husband (prize, meal-ticket, chore and errand boy, sperm donor). Once she has one, she's unlikely to keep her role-playing going.
3. If it's a typical evangelical church these days, they'll be praising the family, telling men they need to be husbands and fathers, telling men they need to be the leaders of their home (good luck with that - all the blame, none of the power), you have to serve your wife, you need to avoid looking at or even thinking about (depictions of) other women, you need to serve the church. Try not to laugh when they sermonize on porn yet again when it's evident that gossip, greed, gluttony, sloth, envy, and a whole lot of other sins are common in the congregation but going unaddressed. Endure these times by thinking of the men who have sacrificed themselves for the worldly sham of legal "marriage" and remembering what you DO like about being at that church.
*Divert by doing one or more of the following: 1. Change the subject, especially to the sermon or the passage studied (unless it was trying to get men to marry); 2. Ask them how they're doing or about something in their life; 3. Ask about someone in the congregation who is getting divorced, and how they're doing; 4. Walk away. If you need an excuse, claim you got an urgent notification on your phone and you need to leave.
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