How to Keep Your Friends Free - Rescue, Recovery, and Restoration

Despite your best efforts with Prevention and Intervention, some of the guys you know are going to sacrifice themselves for what will likely be a lost cause. They're going to get married, or shack up, or otherwise entangle themselves in a woman's life in a way that gives away their freedom. Or maybe they did so before you had the chance to even try to instill in them the value of freedom.

The good news is that many of those guys will be dumped or will escape, and thus gain back some of their freedom, albeit heavily damaged and, often, compelled to make ongoing payments.

That's where you come in with the rescue, recovery, and restoration.

Of course, this depends on you having either stayed in contact or having left the door open. If these guys can't find you or don't think you want to hear from them, you're not going to be able to help.

 

Hopefully, if you knew them before they climbed down that ladder and were able to warn them, they'll remember that while so many other people were encouraging them to make what was perhaps the worst change they've ever volunteered to make, YOU were telling them the truth, even if they didn't like hearing it.

I've written about this before, but that was with a focus on you. I'm expanding here on what you can do for these guys. Some of these guys will have forgotten how to live as Free Men, or how to enjoy life, or even make their own decisions.

• If you can, and you don't have reason to believe he'll become a permanent mooch, offer him a place to crash.
  
  
• Refer him to a good family law attorney, if he doesn't have one, and if he needs one. He WILL need one if he was married, has a child, or co-mingled accounts/assets with her.
   
• If he seems to need it, refer him to a good Free Man-friendly therapist.
  
  
• Get him back to having fun doing the things he enjoys doing. Don't be discouraged if he doesn't seem to be immediately enjoying himself. He might not have given himself permission to enjoy his freedom yet. Yes, there are some things he may never resume, but he needs to at least give himself the opportunity.
  
  
• Listen carefully to what he says. Try to listen as much as possible, but you might need to point out, even interrupt him when he talking to remind him, that he is reclaiming his freedom, and to stop thinking like a husband. He needs to stop limiting himself and deferring to her or what she wanted. She doesn't get to decide anymore, and can't punish him anymore.
  
  
• If he ever talks about missing her or wanted to try to work it out with her, remind him of the terrible things she did and that going back to her would be throwing away the freedom and autonomy he's regained.
  
  
• There is the risk of him thinking "Maybe it was just her." The risk of him feeling like he has to be a husband. Consult the Prevention entry of this series. Go back to the basics. Especially if he has kids, it's even more important to stay as free as he can. Also, second marriages or marriages in which there are stepchildren have a much higher divorce rate. His children don't need the chaos having new women to meet. He needs to keep any involvement with new women very casual.
  
  
• He might miss the sex, even if it was infrequent and bland. He needs to know how to run game or sublimate.
  
  
• Set up regular get-togethers and outings, especially on Fridays and Saturdays, either with a group of guys or just the two of you. The more fun a recovering man has as a Free Man, the better!
  

This is the end of the series for now, although I will probably write and entry that addresses how to apply this when dealing with your own son.

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Prevention

How to Keep Your Friends Free - Intervention

Another Lament That People Like Erotica

When you watch sexy videos, it makes Mark H. Butler and Misha D. Crawford sad.

Pornography is a cultural icon of the sexual revolution, and many in society have been wisely wary of both. But not so much anymore, as a recent nationally representative survey shows that overall acceptance of pornography has jumped in the last few years to reach over 70 percent.

That's just people willing to tell strangers. Significantly more watch.

The ubiquity of internet porn, with its triple-A engine of accessibility, anonymity, and affordability, both highlights and heightens this acceptance, while simultaneously increasing and intensifying debate about whether pornography represents a real public health risk—to relationships and a stable society.

It's not a public health risk.

Running Game - Who To Date and Where to Find Them

When running game, who do you date, and who do you avoid?

What matters is: 

1) She's of age.
2) She turns you on and will do what you want.
3) She's not "too much work."
4) She doesn't have a history of making allegations about sexual assault, physical abuse, harassment, stalking, etc. or doing those things herself. You don't need to be the target of her next round of allegations, or to be stalked, harassed, or abused yourself.
5) She won't give you a serious STD.
6) She drinks.

7) She's childfree.
8) She has no nexus to your work (unless you don't care about your job) or your family.

9) She is not a virgin.
10) [Insert your other requirements here.]

Remember, these women don't need to be marriage - or even girlfriend - material, so that opens up the possibilities. It doesn't matter if they're dating other men. Assume they are, no matter what they say. It doesn't matter if they lie (except for certain false allegations). It doesn't matter what age they are, as long as they are adults. She can have debt, a bad job or even no job, whatever. She can claim she's unable to have children. She can be a terrible conversationalist and dumb as a post. She can be politically opposite from you (don't let her know!) You're not going to be introducing her to your family, friends, or coworkers, or living with her, or making babies with her, or marrying her, or sharing hobbies with her so none of that matters.

Some People Don't Want Men Reading the Truth

Some of the comments left here and, more often, some of the tweets sent my way on Twitter say things like "I feel sorry for your wife" and "Does your wife know what you're saying?"

There are people who have a vested interest in attempting to shut down people who do what I do: warn men about what they're really dealing with and giving men possible techniques to avoid being abused or disadvantaged.

They don't want men knowing these things. They don't want men to read the truth. They want men mindlessly continuing the cycle.

There are few places where men can get the truth when it comes to these topics. Many husbands don't feel at liberty to tell unmarried men the truth about marriage. Sometimes you can read between the lines. But blunt truth? That's rare.

As for my wife, she has a husband who pays all of her bills and handles all of the paperwork, has given her the life she always wanted, does almost all of the household chores including the cooking, runs almost all the errands, listens to her whenever she wants to talk, has almost never said "no" to her, is eager to enthusiastically do anything she wants when it comes to romance and sex, never asks that we watch anything different from her choice on the shared televisions in the home, and has ensured she will be financially taken care of whether she stays or go, whether I live or die. I have literally saved her life and have never touched her in anger. I don't splurge on myself, I don't do drugs or smoke, I don't get drunk. I give her words of affection and affirmation every day. I get her the gifts she wants. I probably get along better with her parents/siblings than she does. She has candidly told others she has a great marriage. Her life is probably better than the lives of the women who criticize me.

But yes, I come here and tell the truth: Most men shouldn't marry. Most men don't even need an exclusive girlfriend. Marriage is a bad deal for most men. Most men can get everything they truly want out of life without ever marrying. Marrying is the biggest mistake I've made.

Stay Free, Men!

Are You Worried About Lower Fertility Rates in Your Country?

Then YOU have more children, OK?

Stop trying to convince people who aren't enthusiastically seeking to have (more) children to pop out babies.

If you're so concerned, you have more children. You pay to raise them. You make the sacrifices. After all, it's worth it, right?

See these posts:

We Are Not Going Back

Having A Family Doesn't Guarantee Happiness

Is It Now Irresponsible To Have Children?

Why Are They Surprised?

The Costs of Raising a Child

Oh No! Not Lower Fertility Rates!

Why Men Date Single Mothers

Inspired by this comment, I'm going to explain why some men date single mothers. For some men, more than one of these reasons will apply. These are in no particular order.

1) It never entered his mind that there are alternatives. He's taking what he thinks he can get or what has been offered to him. He doesn't realize that with a little game, he could find women who are childfree, and how much better for him that would be. He could even be desperate. Maybe he thinks that, if he has kids, he should date women with kids, but having his own kids should be all the more reason to NOT date a woman who also has kids. Meanwhile, the fact is, there have never been so many young, hot, childfree women. Women are waiting until later to have children, if they have them at all.

2) It's what he knows. He was raised by a single mother, and this is what he knows. He might even be trying to fix what he saw was wrong with his own childhood. He's going to be a better man, in his mind, than his biological father was, or the other men his mother dated.

3) He's playing Captain Saveahoe. He wants to feel like a rescuer, like a hero, like somebody needed him, so he's "saving" a woman in distress.

4) He's looking for a mother. He actually identifies with her children. He figures she's already used to taking care of dependents, and he wants her to take care of him.

5) He wants kids, and he doesn't have viable sperm or doesn't want to further his own genes. Rather than adopt, he's going with a ready-made family.

6) He has a cuckold fetish. He gets off on raising the biological children of other men.

7) He's a predator. He's hoping to (continue to) "have sex with" (abuse) at least one of her kids, with or without her. Think about pedophiles. If they have an option of a woman with kids or a woman without kids, guess who they're more likely to choose?

It's important to keep in mind that television shows and movies are FICTIONAL. You may have watched shows and movies in which a guy dates and even marries a single mother and everything turns out great. Yeah, that's extremely rare. Literally. The vast majority of times, things will NOT be great. 70% of marriages in which there are prior children divorce, and that's just divorce. It doesn't even count the terrible marriages which never legally divorce.

Dating a single mother is usually going to be trouble; it will almost certainly be extra work for less reward. Marrying one is even worse than marrying a woman who doesn't have kids yet.

There ARE alternatives, guys! Let me say it again: There have never been so many young, hot, childfree women. Women are waiting until later to have children, if they have them at all. Get a vasectomy and date younger women.

You can find childfree women even if you're not rich, even if you're older, even if you're out of shape or not attractive, and even if you have children of your own. All you need to do is run some game.

You are NOT obligated to date or be with a woman with kids. In fact, the way I (and people like Dr. Laura) figure it, you're morally obligated to AVOID dating single mothers.

If you're dating or with a woman with one of more children, here's how to get out.

You can leave comments below, but this is also a good place to comment.

Keeping Boundaries as a Free Man

A Change in Perspective

At the opening of her Wednesday, January 18. 2023 program, Dr. Laura read something written by a man with the title of  "All The Wrong Reasons I Pursued Love with Women Why I'm Changing Now".

Here's what it said:

*****
I was taking women out because I lacked the confidence to say no.

I had a fear that if I didn't spend a lot of money or time on them they wouldn't want me or see me.

I was using dating to get my needs met. Sometimes I was just horny and needed some fun or relief, but I wouldn't communicate that.

I felt that nobody would give me that, so ultimately I would end up paying for an expensive date out and about, listening to her babble on and on, and buying her gifts.

I also had a belief that my value was tied to my wealth.

I also learned that when I was horny and not having sex, I wasn't able to think clearly anymore.

It no longer became about enjoying life, but about ego. Will she stay with me? Am I good enough for her?

I never asked myself if I was enjoying these relationships.

I also learned that I could do and have what I wanted without giving up so much of my time, money, and freedom.

We have a tendency to spend and do tasks to keep a woman because of fear, and this is something I wanted to challenge.

I want to see what it is like to stop paying costs I didn't have to, and trust I will have a better life if I learn to limit my dates and learn to enjoy my own company.

And I have a feeling that will be much more rewarding than I can imagine.

I've also learned that my hard work and resulting earnings are sacred. I want to keep control over my wealth.

I will no longer take women on lavish dates who don't want to have the kind of fun with me that I like.

Staying free has helped me develop my own set of beliefs and flourishing into someone I can respect.
*****

Just kidding. That's not what it said. Everything above does have an analogy to the sentences Dr. Laura read. But what she read was from something written by a woman and the title was "All the Wrong Reasons I Slept with Men Before and Why I’m Changing Now." Dr. Laura DID NOT cite on the air where the essay was posted and who wrote it. Instead, she was very limited in what she actually read from the essay, even removing important phrases from some sentences.

Dr. Laura left out the parts about how this involved supposedly Buddhist meditation, from someone raised as a Southern Baptist, and how this person doesn't believe in a need for get a state license for marriage, nor for marriage to be permanent; check in frequently to see if the relationship should continue. What we have here is a woman who rode the carousel. And now that she's older, her hormones are changing, and the men she can attract aren't as high in their social status, she's basically saying she's only going to have sex if she feels an emotional connection, rather than just for recreation. She can still go through many men per year, but she's going to pretend it's much more profound than what she was doing before.

I'm not faulting a single woman for thinking she's going to put more meaning behind when she has sex. But let's be clear about what's going on here, and what Dr. Laura did with the text.

And what we have another example showing that men can get young women with no strings attached and little time, money, and effort spent by running game.

Want More People to Marry?

Want more people to marry, or marry early enough to have (more) children together inside the marriage?

Marriage must have something men want they can't get for less risk and cost otherwise, and men have to know about it. Marriage must be distinguished from nonmarriage in a positive way, legally and/or culturally. I'm not talking about misleading use of statistics. I'm talking about it actually being better. Two lesbians can marry, and two gay men can marry. Why would most heterosexual men want to do it? What makes it special? You can't tell a man that marriage is something special between a man and a woman if two women can do it without a man. You can't even say it is something special between two people, because historically, polygamy has existed in many cultures around the world. But maybe it can be made better, to the point more men want to marry women.

How can marriage be made better?

There are at least three major things it will take to make marriage appealing to men. Let's consider them.

Why Aren't You Married?

[I'm bumping up this entry because it is as relevant as ever. I noticed that I indicated that things go well in my marriage some of the time. "Well" is a relative term. If you would have described to me the "good" time in my marriage now before I married, I wouldn't have married.]

Even when things are going well in my marriage, I’m not one of those married guys who thinks everyone should be married. Unless someone has a baby on the way, it irritates me when I see someone pressuring someone else to get married. [My thinking on this has changed.]

Whether you are officially on a marriage strike or you have decided marriage is not for you, the fact remains that most people will get married at some time in their life, and so many people assume everyone wants to get married. Whether from relatives or coworkers or women who want you to buy them drinks, or fellow religious congregants, guys get to hear it over and over again: "Why aren't you married?"

If you are a Free Man or part of Men Going Their Own Way, or you are a marriage striker, or have simply decided marriage is not for you, what works as a good reply to this annoying question? Being married, I don’t use these, of course, but let's look at a few possible replies. Please comment with any good ones you have, too.

Here are six responses, getting progressively more provocative (I keep in mind that casual sex is no loner discouraged in our culture):

Be Smart About Food Costs

As you know, food prices are significantly higher. It’s even worse if you live in certain “blue” states and cities. As I write this, fast food prices have just been driven up again in California by legislators micromanaging those places and the wages they pay. [This has been boosted up from December 2024.]

If you’re a very high earner so that your time is expensive, it is relatively inexpensive to hire someone to prepare your home meals. They can even do it once per week for the whole week. It’s certainly less expensive than a wife!

For the rest of us…

While it can take some time, planning, and other effort, you can save money (and be healthier!) by eating more home meals.

You don’t need to be a chef, but you do need some basic kitchen safety habits. It’s never been easier to prepare your own meals. There’s an endless supply of free information online, there are books, there are free or inexpensive local classes, informing you of everything from tips to recipes. You can also recreate your favorite fast food tastes at home, if you really want to.

In general, unless you’re homesteading, the cheapest way to eat is getting your groceries from supermarkets, superstores (like the larger Walmarts), membership stores, and the like. Don’t dismiss places marketing to ethnicities different than your own. Yes, using their club card, app, or credit card will mean they will track everything you buy and keep it in a file about you. Do you really care? It will make your purchases cheaper (as long as you never carry over a balance on the credit card).

Pay attention to those ads and coupons that come to your physical mailbox. Just as you can find food prep and recipe tips online, you can find shopping tips online that will save you money.

In general, the more “raw” and less processed the food, the less expensive. Yes, you can buy frozen cheeseburgers complete with buns, but you’re probably saving money if you buy ground beef to cook yourself. But stores are increasingly offering prepared, “grab and go” meals that might save you over fast food joints and other restaurants.

Buying in bulk can also lower costs, providing what you’re buying doesn’t go bad before you consume it. Don’t buy more than you need.

If you’re not already doing it, you’d be surprised how tasty and filling it can be to simply eat a vegetable (like a carrot) or piece of fruit. You don’t even need to cut them up and process them.

You can have air fryers, slow cookers, blenders, bread makers, coffee makers, and other food processors at home. You can have a thermos and other containers to make it easy to take home prepared meals with you to work or wherever else you’re going. You can make most of your meals for an entire week in one afternoon or evening, especially if you’re willing to make more than one meal out of the same dish.

Pay attention to the drinks you’re buying when you’re out. Fancy coffees, shakes, booze, teas, sodas/pop ain’t cheap. Driving? Take water with you or whatever drink you make at home (no boozing and driving!) and if you must do a drive through, that alone will save you money. Getting table service? Nothing wrong with water.

Fast food prices have risen so much it can make sense to instead order pickup/takeout from a table service place instead. For example, if you want a burger or chicken sandwich, there are places like Red Robin and many others. Order it to go using an app, website, or phone call. Even better if you’re going to be out running errands in the area anyway. A minimal tip will suffice. The total cost won’t be much more than a lower quality fast food order.

And, finally, you’re saving a lot if you’re running game, because you’re not paying for the meals and drinks for a woman (and her kids or friends!). Even if you’re not running game, but just not dating at all, that saves you money, guys. 

I feel bad for small business owners suffering because of government interference and inflation. I feel bad for the people who won’t get jobs or enough hours because of these government-imposed labor costs. Automation will increase. But as a consumer, your priority needs to be your own finances. 

If you you will be enjoying fast food or other restaurants, consider local “mom and pop” places and be aware that some other places are corporate-owned, others are franchised. Franchisees can be large or small. Bottom line: Who owns the places you’re considering? A big business or a small business? It’s possible your local McDonald’s is actually a small business.

No, Life Doesn't Have To Be That Way

You probably know someone, and maybe that someone is you, who is in a marriage or relationship with someone who brings a lot of trouble into your life, who is difficult, or who is "too much work," and your or his reaction is "Well, that's life." Or "That's just the way things are." Or "This is the way relationships are, and I have to put up with it."

NO.

You do not.

Life doesn't have to be that way.

That's doesn't have to be life.

Men today can be FREE.

You don't have to take on her problems.
You don't have to be nagged.

You don't have to be abused.
You don't have to put up with her destroying, damaging, or tossing out your possessions.
You don't have to deal with mood swings and bad moods.
You don't have to deal with her drama, friends, and family.
You don't have to allow her to antagonize your family or friends.

You don't have to deal with her mental illnesses or personality disorders.
You have don't to be yelled at.
You don't have to argue.
You don't have to deal with constant criticism.
You don't have to "compromise."

You don't have to sacrifice.
You don't have to cater to her while she sexually rejects you and forbids you from even noticing other women or even touching yourself.
You don't have to jump through hoops and dance just to be allowed your life.
You don't have to let her keep your balls in her purse.

You don't have to apologize for things you didn't do or things you did that weren't wrong.
You don't have to walk on egg shells and tiptoe around her irrational insecurities or sensitivities.
You don't have to spend your time on "honey do" lists.
You don't have to deal with her hysterics.

you don't have to deal with her kids.

You don't have to deal with her debts.

You don't have to deal with her bills.
You don't have to bring lawyers and the state into your relationship.

You don't have to do any of those things for any woman.

The Sight of Human Skin Doesn't Harm Human Brains

Cathy Reisenwitz has a video and an excellent written commentary about adult media.

A 2020 study showed that ~70% of people watch low amounts of porn with no discernible negative ramifications. Around a quarter of people watch a lot of porn with no measurable downside. And around ~5% of people watch a lot of porn, and it seems to cause or exacerbate problems for them.

Five percent. You can find five percent of people for whom watching a lot of sports is problematic. The problem isn't what they're watching. Compulsive/problematic media viewing is a symptom of a problem. Porn isn't the problem.

Problematic porn consumers are more likely than average to show symptoms of hypersexuality, depression, boredom, and low self-esteem. They’re likely not getting their basic psychological needs met.

They have problems. And they watch porn. Porn isn't the cause.

And this study builds on other research showing that feeling guilty about watching porn is a high predictor of having a “porn addiction.”

"Porn addiction" isn't a scientific term. It's a term used by salespeople and the people they've duped, and people who are trying to shift blame for their problems.

In fact, another study showed that men who look at porn more often who are in relationships have more sex with their partners. Women who look at porn more often have more partnered sex whether or not they’re in relationship, have better sex, and have more sexual flexibility.

Antiporn crusaders count viewing porn itself as misogyny and violence against women, so of course they dispute these findings.

Porn use is associated with decreases in violence against women. Men who look at more porn are actually less sexist than men who look at less of it.

This sort of thing never dissuades the antiporn crusaders. 

Every study I’m aware of that purports to show that porn is harmful either: 

1. Fails to correct for the fact that people who feel ashamed of themselves for watching porn are far more likely to report “problematic” porn use, regardless of how much they watch or how it’s otherwise impacting their lives

2. Misrepresents MRI results to show spurious findings

3. Fails to establish causation. People already at risk of becoming sexual abusers are more likely to watch a lot of violent porn. But there’s no evidence that watching a lot of violent porn causes the average person to be more likely to perpetrate sexual violence. In fact, there’s a lot of evidence in the opposite direction.

4. Mislabels porn

5. Is otherwise shown to be faulty. 

 

When you hear of studies that claim to show adult media as physically or mentally harmful, you should keep in mind that there is an abundance and extreme variety of porn, so studies focusing on one particular kind may not be indicative of anything else. Also, such studies usually don't control for masturbation. There's also the very basic consideration that apparent correlation doesn't establish causation.

There are many studies on "both sides," but most people can't sort through the details of studies. Think carefully. Porn is, usually, depictions of nudity and sexuality. Do you really think depictions of human beings in their natural state or engaged in reproductive behavior would be physically or mentally harmful to the observer? How exactly would that make any sense from either a naturalistic, evolutionary perspective, or if you believe in some form of Divine creationism? Wouldn't that mean having sex with your spouse with the lights on would be harmful?

Reisenwitz's commentary is definitely worth a read, and touches on religion. I note that Jesus is never quoted as telling any woman to cover up. Instead, He told his followers to pluck out their own eye or cut off their own hand if they have a problem. Antiporn crusaders claim to be concerned about abuse of women and children but many of them never say one word about churches where women and children have been raped. What do you think Jesus finds more disturbing: an erotic performance on video, or a member of the clergy raping a congregant?

Dennis Prager talks about panics pushed by the Left. These antiporn crusades are a panic pushed largely from the Right (and also from the Left by certain misandrists).

Running Game - The Hot Sauce Trick

If you're running game, ideally you've had a vasectomy and it tests as still being effective. If that's not the case, you shouldn't be having intercourse without a condom, one that has only been in your possession, not hers. You might want to use a condom even if you have had a vasectomy, for STD prevention. NEVER rely on a woman saying she can't get pregnant or is using some form of contraception. Countless men who have relied on that are stuck with children they didn't want or child support payments, dealing with women who are nightmares.

Either way, used condoms go in the trash, not down the toilet, because that can cause plumbing problems. You need to carry a small bottle of Tabasco or habanero sauce with you when you do this.

Why?

Because adding a few drops of such sauce to a used condom you then place in the trash will let you know if she tries to retrieve the condom to use your sperm against your will. Yes, women have tried this, and yes, the hot sauce trick has worked.

Does A Woman's Body Count Matter?

Does a woman's body count matter?

Matter for what?

It doesn't matter too much for a man who is running game.

It can matter a lot if you're looking for a wife (which most of you shouldn't be) or a mother for your children.

This isn't about what it is fair. This is about reality. This is about the way things are, whether we like them or not. Men and women are different. We have different bodies, different biology, different brains.

When running game, a man avoids virgins (men should avoid virgins in general) and women who aren't virgins but are now "saving it" or "waiting" for marriage, engagement, exclusivity, or several months into the relationship. As long as she doesn't have a serious STD, doesn't have children, and does what he likes, it doesn't matter how many guys she's been with (as long as she isn't a virgin). (There are other limitations on who to date, though.)

If a man is foolish enough to agree to be exclusive, shack up, marry, or have children with a woman, body count is going to matter to many men. There are many reasons why, in no particular order: