Translating Happy Hubby Talk

[Bumped up.] Recently I considered what I'm sure I've realized before... that many men who say how great and wonderful marriage is either had no game as bachelors or felt guilt about fornicating. A lot of them are, and always have been, nerds. They couldn't get laid when they were younger, but once some woman figured that she'd better cash in her aging chips and look for "security" and a "good provider" (someone who'd actually be able to pay her way through life) and that she could settle for a nerd because he would have a dependable high salary and probably wouldn't whore around.


A prime example I can think of is Dennis Prager. Now, I think Prager is generally great and does a lot of good. I agree with, and appreciate so much of what he writes and I get the impression he's a more than decent human being and comes across as a guy I could laugh and chat with for hours on end. I thoroughly enjoy his radio show. But he also strikes me as someone who is, and always has been, a nerd. I'm not bashing nerds, mind you. I'm a nerd, though I was a multiple-time letterman in high school sports, and I became significantly less nerdy, at least in my appearance and how I carried myself, when my first girlfriend got a hold of me. She literally gave me a makeover.  But perhaps one point where Prager and I disagree strongly is tied to him being a nerd. He strongly advocates marriage and touts it as wonderful and good for men, even though he's aware of how terrible family law and courts can be to husbands. (It is also  noteworthy that Prager is very tall, and so he doesn't face the rejection of women demanding a man be at least six feet tall, and he has the height advantage over similarly situated nerds who aren't as tall.)

I don't think I've ever heard or read Prager's opinion on unmarried intercourse or other sexual activities while unmarried [UPDATE: If I recall correctly, he says intercourse should be reserved for marriage but thinks other sexual acts are OK, even good, between unmarried people], but in general, conservatives who are traditionally religious have personal moral and/or religious objections to unmarried sex they apply to themselves, even if they don't publicly state that it is objectively immoral do to those things (other than in the context of adultery). One doesn't even have to be religious at all or even generally conservative to have a moral qualm about unmarried sex, given concerns about abortion, children being raised outside of marriage, STDs, and bonding with the wrong person, etc.

Whether I have profiled Prager correctly or not, there are a lot of guys out there who have personal reservations about fornication or messing around outside of marriage, so even if they actually are able to score, and even if they enjoy it plenty at the time, they feel at least conflicted and, likely, very guilty. It's a sin against their Lord, as they understand it. I know, because I've been there. Add on top of that this idea that unmarried sex is somehow "using" or "taking advantage" of a woman or the definitely-there-but-rarely-spoken idea that women should be materially compensated for sex. Oh, people like to pretend that's not what they believe, but they reveal otherwise when they promote "man pays for dates", buying her an expensive diamond ring, alimony, and if the relationship doesn't lead to a financial contract that will ensure money is transferred to her, that he "wasted" her time.

So, these guys either weren't getting any when bachelors or felt bad about it if they did, but once they are married, they're getting sex with, presumably, some regularity (although they might not!) and without any guilt.

This means that when you hear such men say that "marriage is great" or something similar, what they're really saying, in some cases, is they're happy they're getting guilt-free sex. At least, if they had their act together before marriage and earned enough. Otherwise, marrying might have given them someone to order them around and help them with life in general, so there's that, too.

Notice they're not really talking about what the law calls marriage. They aren't saying that they're so glad they signed a legal document to form a contract with the state that financially obligates them and assigns paternity for her children to them. No, they're talking about a social and/or religious thing, as in "I get to share my life with my best friend. And have sex." The thing is, they could do that without that state legal contract.

Sometimes it is about more than the sex, although sex is a large part of it. These guys have been married so long and/or got married so young that they can't imagine or remember life as a bachelor, let alone and established and mature bachelor. So they think this is just the way life is; that they have to be married and if she's difficult, this is the way all women are. So what they're saying in many of these cases when they say marriage is great is life is great. But they really don't know what life would be like if they hadn't married, and a lot of these guys feel obligated to take the "optimistic/grateful" approach. Complaining or admitting the negative would cause trouble at home, or peel away the veneer, or, in their minds, be thumbing their nose at their Lord. They may even be, whether they've considered it or not, somewhat buying into the idea of magically speaking things into existence, as in if they keep saying things are great, they'll be great. It's like they feel like they have to say it or they're trying to convince themselves, or even experiencing something like the Stockholm Syndrome.

For many of these guys, being married is like having a mother, but also getting sex. They don't have to plan their life or even their day... they just do what Mommy tells them, and if they do, they can have sex. And they like it this way, because they've never really experienced anything else or they have little drive outside of bringing home the bacon.

Meanwhile, the prevailing sexual morality of the day is that as long as it is consensual, it is OK. Even talking about casual fornication is not so much as hushed anymore. Women who are shacking up, even with kids in tow, aren't the slightest bit embarrassed to approach churches about having big, religious, white-gown weddings, and so many churches don't resist any of it or hesitate. Most people today have no moral qualms about fornication, or at least they act like they don't. A lot of people seem to think it is OK if you're "in love" or "committed" or just exclusive, especially if you're hoping the relationship will lead to marriage.

So, saying "marriage is great" is miscommunicating to much of the population, because the word that is spoken sounds like "marriage" but actually means sex, or companionship, or life, and the unmarried person, if hearing what the real word meant, would think, "Oh, I agree. Sex/companionship/life is great." and see no need to sign a state legal contract, and maybe even no need to have a ceremony, in order to enjoy these things.

If you're a man who has things the way you like them, if you have your act together, if you have strong opinions about things, if you like making decisions and having control over your own life, if you enjoy being with yourself, and especially if you're earning a lot of money, it's a lot less likely that you'd find marriage to be wonderful or beneficial, especially if we're talking about state legal contract marriage.

Using myself as an example: I liked living alone. I had no trouble keeping my life and finances in order on my own. I never felt like I was lacking in things to do or direction in my life. As unromantic as it might sound, I got married because: 1) I liked sex and was convinced sex was for marriage, and 2) I wanted to raise children and was convinced that being raised in a legal marriage was best for children.

Now there are some men who may have found a woman who has been, thus far, a generally great wife. However, that's literally a minority situation and it could/would still be true without the default state legal contract. It isn't that contract that makes her a good wife (indeed, the contract can incentivize being a terrible wife). These guys telling other men that marriage is wonderful and it must have the default state contract is like telling men that they should drive a private road, they should have a state driver's license and that they'll have a great time driving it. It can depend on the car being driven (and there are so many lemons and most of the cars simply aren't compatible with the man), not all men really like driving all that much, the license adds nothing of benefit to man, and they can have a full and happy life without driving that private road at all.

Don't even get me started on women who try to tell men that marriage is wonderful. Of course she thinks it is wonderful. She's locking someone in to paying her way through life. She gets a sperm donor, a personal assistant, a bodyguard, and someone to share parenting chores. They SAY it is wonderful when trying to sell a man on signing that contract, but many of them turn around to their friends and complain about their husbands.

The bottom line is that when a married man says that "marriage is wonderful", you really have to 1) consider the source and 2) the real meaning being the word "marriage" as he's using it. This quiz is helpful in figuring out of you want to get legally married.