When Your Buddies Marry and Become Scarce

Are you a man whose friends all seem to be getting married, or maybe they're just living with their girlfriends, and these men never seem to have time for you, or enough time, anymore?

Perhaps the worst thing you can do in response to this is to get married yourself. Don't make that mistake! Most of you should avoid marrying, avoid living with a woman, avoid impregnating a woman, and avoid signing contracts (like leases, loans, etc.) with women.

Yeah, it sucks when your buddies get married and become scarce. It's probably not you personally. This is a very common thing, Why? Well, there are many reasons:

1) She runs their life, especially their social calendar. If he's lucky, he'll get some guy time, but even then, it might be time with the guys who are married to her friends. They are going to spend most of their social time with her married friends and her family, or as a couple.

2) He has chores and errands because of her. All of those "honey dos".

3) He doesn't have money to spend anymore. He needs to pay for the things she wants. and whatever debts she brought into the marriage she's now getting him to pay off. So, it isn't so easy for him to go to a game or concert or do whatever with you that's going to cost money.

4) He has to work more to pay for his (her) now-more-expensive lifestyle.

5) He can't do many of the things he used to do with you and the other guys. She might not let him. And you, in general, are a reminder of what he's given up, especially if you're telling him (or posting on social media) about the wonderful things you are doing that you most likely wouldn't be doing if you had a wife and especially if you had kids.

But here's the good news for you, if you're still interested in a friendship with him.


There's a very good chance their marriage won't last.

For any of your friends whose marriages end, provided they don't instantly have their noses in some other woman's rear, finding another unmarried friend to hang out with again is great. Remember, anywhere from 30-33% of first marriages divorce, and subsequent marriages have a much higher divorce rate, and separations might take place as little as a year or two into the marriage. Whether your friend divorces, separates, or is in the doghouse temporarily, that's where YOU can come in.

If you have your own place, with a little room to spare (even if it just a sofa or couch), you can be where your friend lands until things are squared away, and you can help him embrace being free again. Keep it in good enough condition that your friends will feel OK about having to drop in on short notice.

His wife might not want him hanging out with unmarried friends regardless. Once he's on the outs with her anyway, though, he can do what he wants.

Let's back up. You might be able to keep in contact with him during his marriage, and you might even be able to attend parties or other social functions they have if you play your cards right.

While you should be encouraging most of the guys you know to NOT marry and not even get into exclusive relationships, some aren't going to live that way, even if they should. So, they're going to start to have her around. If you have any interaction with her, don't let on to her that you're determined to stay a free man and you want your buddy to stay a free man. Instead, stick to being polite and friendly with her. Act like you're interested in her as a person. Don't do anything in front of her or to her that will give her an excuse to avoid you and insist he avoid you (she might anyway, just because you're free). If she likes you enough, she might want to keep including you in things so that she can try to get one of her friends paired off with you. That, of course, is fraught with danger. If you go out with one of her friends and her friends tells her you mistreated her, it's done. So it might be best to just find ways of NOT going on dates with her friends, even as you make it look to her like you "just need to find the right one."

As your friend appears to be heading down that road of sacrificing himself for what will likely be nothing at best, make sure you have his attention once or twice when you have him alone, and make sure he knows what you're about to tell him is important, and tell him that he doesn't have to marry, he can have a full and happy life without getting married, and the odds are, it will be a mistake for him to marry. Tell him that's it... you're not going to constantly bring it up, but you felt he needed to hear it. You can ask him to give you one good reason to marry,

If he complains to you about her or their relationship before he marries, tell him privately it's not too late to hit the eject button, and if he needs a place to stay, he can crash with you. Tell him the relationship is not going to get any better than it already is. The sex is as good as it will ever be, and once she thinks she has him trapped, she's going to get worse. The things he likes about her will diminish, and the things he's worried about will get worse. If he complains again, tell him he still has the power to change it; he's voluntarily subjecting himself to this. Don't be a nag about it, because that will just cause him to cling to her and defend her. If he blames himself for the problems they're having, point out to him that he's going to be the one she's married to, so he should avoid doing that to her.

On the flip side of not being a nag, is not providing him a pressure release valve. Some guys can tolerate a bad relationship as long as they can vent about it. Don't play that role. Stop listening to him whine and tell him that he can do something about it; that he can refuse to marry her. If he falls into the trap of thinking that all relationships are like this and he just needs to work through it, tell him that even if all relationships are like this, (which isn't the case), he doesn't need to be in a relationship.

It's a delicate balancing act. When your friend gets to the point that he realizes he's made a terrible mistake, you want him to remember that you were someone who truly cared, who told him the truth, and you're someone to whom he can turn.

You can keep doing some of these things after he marries. Try to keep at least superficial contact with him, if you care to keep the door open. Unfortunately, it's going to be nearly impossible to keep a friendship with him if you don't handle the wedding right. That means that if you get invited, and it doesn't seem like it was merely out of obligation, you're going to have to go. Whether or not you go, you're going to have to provide them with a nice gift. And if you do attend, you'll need to avoid any behavior that will give her "justification" to banish you from his life. If your gift sucks or you act up or you do something really stupid like RSVP that you'll be there and don't show up, you'll make an enemy of his wife, which makes his life even more difficult. Also, you can't be seen as instigating or contributing to anything about his bachelor party that would upset her.

Sound like a lot of trouble? It is. If it is too much trouble, you just might have to write him off.

The main thing to remember is that, if it seems like all of your friends are married or getting married and then being distant from you, just know that if you remain a free man (unmarried, living alone, child-free) and friendly to your buddies, you can pick right back up with them and even make up for lost time after the inevitable divorces.

Meanwhile, enjoy being a free man.

Have you been through this, whether you're the man who married or the friend who warned him not to? I especially want to hear from you. Comment below.