One Flesh Or Not?

Dr. Laura will often tell wives calling in (and thus wives listening to her show) that it's not a big deal for a husband (and father of minor children) to enjoy adult media...

...as long as he's not doing it instead of being with her and the adult media doesn't feature children, small farm animals, men (gay porn), or barely legal adults.

This has to greatly upset the portion of her audience that has bought into the anti-porn panic/hysteria about how it turns brains into mush and turns men into serial killers, or women who consider to be a form of infidelity.

But what about the other end of this spectrum? Dr. Laura, like a lot of other relationship experts, says it's a problem if he's using such media instead of being with his willing wife. This appears to be a presumption that his body and sexuality belong to his wife.



How many women (and men, for that matter) say "Darn right it does! It's wrong for a husband to sexually deprive or neglect his wife! If she wants some sexual affection, he shouldn't pass so he can masturbate!"

But...

How many of those same people say that if a wife is not in the mood when her husband starts his advances, it's marital rape if she gives in and has sex with him*, and it is harassment or even a form of assault if he keeps trying to move on her if she's expressed so much as reluctance, even if she doesn't end up giving in?

If there is anyone who believes a wife isn't doing anything wrong if she rebuffs an advance by her husband, but a husband is doing something wrong if he ever prefers masturbating instead of being with his wife, what is their reasoning? If they cite problems with adult media, then what about him masturbating without media?

A very common response when a husband complains about being turned down by his wife (aside from calling him selfish), is to say he needs to romance her more and do any number of other things. This places the blame on him. But the blame is also placed on him when he's not interested in having sex with his wife when she wants it. I can't recall ever hearing a woman in such a circumstance being told she should do more things for her husband, flirt with him more, and a bunch of other things. Instead, a man's masculinity is questioned.

Why?

Dr. Laura is very pragmatic. She's interested in marriages being healthy and in the spouses being bonded, mostly for the sake of the minor children depending on it.

Many Christian marriage therapists and pontificators say that a husband and wife become, as the Bible describes, one flesh and that their bodies/sexuality belong solely to each other, as delegated by the Lord. Other people stress bodily autonomy. Likewise, some people see men and women (especially as husband and wife) as different and complementary, with different sexual and social natures, while other people see gender roles as artificial, as social constructs and they stress equality.

I see it as problematic if someone tries to draw from "column A" and "column B". In other words, if someone claims to believe in equality/interchangeability and bodily autonomy for wives, they shouldn't be able to reject bodily autonomy for husbands. If someone believes in interchangeability and they think a husband should be down for sex at any time, then they should think the same thing about a wife.


*Dennis Prager wrote a couple of columns titled "When a Woman Isn't in the Mood" and has been accused of "advocating marital rape" ever since.