This past Friday, June 17, 2022, during Hour 3 of the Dr. Laura Program, she took a call from a man who has been married for over 30 years. He and his wife have no kids.
He has been very frustrated because they only have sex once every month or two, and his wife has never had much sexual passion. They've seen therapists, doctors, pastors, etc. about this.
They married in their mid-twenties and had waited until they married to have sex. Actually, they waited even longer because she was "too tired" on their wedding night.
Dr. Laura gave him what regular listeners would expect her to give him: the choice to either stay and accept it, or leave.
He said he won't leave, because of his vows.
This call was important for multiple reasons:
1) "Waiting" for marriage is not risk-free. While some people claim they are waiting for moral or religious reasons, some people wait because they aren't interested in having sex, at least not with the person they are marrying. Even people who display some passion before marrying, even engaging in various forms of sex and frequently at that, might pull back after marrying (or having children). But at least in those cases, their spouse knows they are capable of sexually satisfying them.
2) Contrary to what marriage sellers imply and encourage people to infer, there are married men who are extremely dissatisfied with their marital sex life.
3) People who save sex for marriage tend to be the type of person to stay in the marriage even if they're miserable (and they are also the type to say they're not miserable even though they are).
4) Unless they believe otherwise, clergy need to make it clear that, at some point, willful sexual neglect is unfaithfulness or abandonment to the point of a breaking of the vows and releases the other spouse.
This guy is going to go his whole life never having experienced a good sex life.
He bought into "sex is for marriage" without realizing that the Bible (which is likely THE or at least AN authority for his belief system) never says people need to get a terrible marriage contract from a secular state, nor does it specify what makes someone married, but most importantly to his situation, it never specifies that all sexual acts are forbidden before marriage. There may have been ways he could have avoided this situation.
Even after waiting for months/years, it can be understandable that someone is too tired to do anything on the evening after the wedding, although that's an argument for small, simple weddings. Then this poor sap probably thought she just needed some time, or that he was doing things wrong. Nobody wants to admit they made a huge mistake while they are probably still paying off the wedding or sending out thank you cards. As time slipped by, he was deeper and deeper into the mess, not wanting to admit his mistake or be branded with "divorced" or "annulled," wondering if he is undesirable, not wanting to hire lawyers and go to court, probably being told by some he just needs to be more romantic and understanding, and doing more around the home (remember, no kids). That poor man.
Although Dr. Laura didn't bring it up in this call, what she might have told his wife if she had been the one to make the call is she should choose one of the following for her husband:
1) Masturbate to porn
2) Divorce her
He bought into "sex is for marriage" without realizing that the Bible (which is likely THE or at least AN authority for his belief system) never says people need to get a terrible marriage contract from a secular state, nor does it specify what makes someone married, but most importantly to his situation, it never specifies that all sexual acts are forbidden before marriage. There may have been ways he could have avoided this situation.
Even after waiting for months/years, it can be understandable that someone is too tired to do anything on the evening after the wedding, although that's an argument for small, simple weddings. Then this poor sap probably thought she just needed some time, or that he was doing things wrong. Nobody wants to admit they made a huge mistake while they are probably still paying off the wedding or sending out thank you cards. As time slipped by, he was deeper and deeper into the mess, not wanting to admit his mistake or be branded with "divorced" or "annulled," wondering if he is undesirable, not wanting to hire lawyers and go to court, probably being told by some he just needs to be more romantic and understanding, and doing more around the home (remember, no kids). That poor man.
Although Dr. Laura didn't bring it up in this call, what she might have told his wife if she had been the one to make the call is she should choose one of the following for her husband:
1) Masturbate to porn
2) Divorce her
3) Frequent prostitutes
4) Have a mistress
My guess is that is wife would reject any of those. If she found him masturbating and/or viewing porn, she'd probably play the martyr and justify mistreating him.
Gee, you unmarried guys, why haven't you rushed to sign a terrible state contract with a woman???
Stay free, men!
My guess is that is wife would reject any of those. If she found him masturbating and/or viewing porn, she'd probably play the martyr and justify mistreating him.
Gee, you unmarried guys, why haven't you rushed to sign a terrible state contract with a woman???
Stay free, men!
"...some he just needs to be more romantic and understanding, and doing more around the home..."
ReplyDeleteGlad you singled this one out. Worst advice I ever heard. Compared only with "you need counseling." It never worked. Poor sap would do better yo just run away from there.
I remember giving this advice only once (meaning to just leave while there was still time). The guy who heard it, dismissed me. He even stopped talking to me. Five years later he comes to apologize. I refrained to tell him "I told you so". I bite my tongue. Just told him I was sorry that it didn't work for him.