Finding A Needle in a Giant Haystack

I had a Sociology professor who, semi-joking, said that finding a good spouse isn't hard. She drew a circle on the board to represent the population. She cut it in half to represent the two sexes. Then she continued to divide the space by religion, socioeconomic background, and so forth. She pointed to the tiny sliver left and said, "Find someone in that sliver, and marry them." That's kind of what I'm doing in this entry.

When I was an unmarried man, just how many women were there with whom I had a real chance to have a happy, lasting marriage? This exercise can be adapted to anyone.

Let's break it down.

307,006,550 is the recent population level of the United States of America. It was probably a little less back when I got married, but it will do for this exercise. I know, I know – so many guys have sworn off American/Western women, but for me, a common background is beneficial.

154,000,000 - American females, if we take half of the population.

15,400,000 in a good age range for marriage to me.

3,850,000 would be broadly compatible in their religious beliefs, based on studies I have read.

1,283,334 are not overweight. I didn't want to marry someone who was overweight... or underweight for that matter. Are there great women who are overweight? Yes – there are plenty of them. But I didn't want to marry them. I'm not taking ten or fifteen pounds, here. (These factors are what was/is important to me, not necessarily other people.)

420,420 are college graduates – like I am.

84,084 I would find attractive enough physically, considering this is what I'm going to be looking at for the rest of my life. Most women are somewhat attractive to an average guy like me. But I'm talking wife.

16,816 of those, if I am going easy on myself, would find me physically attractive enough to date me in the first place.

5,605 would be politically compatible.

2,802 would come from intact families, which lowers the likelihood of divorce and cuts down on how many "in-laws" will be complicating life. I’m assuming that none of them would exclude me because parents divorced after I was out of the house.

These six remaining factors are all very fuzzy rough estimates:

925 Of those wouldn't be suffering some form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder or mental illness/disorder that I would find a deal-breaker.

231 would have personality compatibility.

153 wouldn't have serious physical problems I would consider dealbreakers.

51 would have financially compatible behaviors

25 would have compatible life/lifestyle goals

15 would be free of other red flags not already covered.

Now, out of that tiny group, how many of them would be available and want to marry me? I had to find someone in that tiny group. And I did.

It helps if you get involved in things that place you with like-minded people – religious groups/institutions, political organizations, charities, hobby clubs, alumni associations, etc.

Notice that other than physical attraction, I did not include sexual compatibility. That's because I now believe that sex is for marriage, so how are you going to know before marriage? My wife told me early on in our dating that she was a virgin and was going to stay one until her wedding day. We definitely crossed over appropriate boundaries before our wedding, but we did not have intercourse or a regular, bed-sharing sex life, so it was hardly an indicator of sexual compatibility. What interaction we did have seemed to indicate sexual compatibility (and we do enjoy each other, thankfully), but some things changed once we married. Actually, to be honest and blunt, she stopped doing something I very much enjoyed. I haven't stopped doing anything she enjoyed, nor have I ever turned down a request of hers.

Like I said, the factors in this exercise are things important to me. Maybe they wouldn't be important to you. It is possible for people to be happily married to a foreigner of a different religion, for example, or someone who is significantly younger or older. But when someone is happy in an "interfaith" marriage, that person would likely not have been happily married to me, nor I to them – because my religious beliefs/practice are important to me and have much influence over how I live my life. So, they have to have in common that it doesn't matter that they are of different faiths.

Some people say lists of what you need in a spouse don’t work. It has worked for me so far. Coming up with something like this, especially when one is completely unattached and thus not compromising for the sake of a current infatuation, will allow someone to determine much more easily if someone is incompatible with them. It hinges on them knowing themselves well enough and only listing factors and a range within those factors that are truly important to them. Someone can list other, less important factors under "would be nice" to also aid in their search. For example – it would be nice if she shared my enthusiasm for pigeons (I made that one up).

If you are looking for a needle, then you keep going until you find a needle. Once you have found one, you'll know it. If you're not sure what you're looking for, however, then you're likely to make a mess and be frustrated.

I do not believe there is a guarantee that there is someone who would be a right spouse for every person. It is possible that what someone needs in someone else in order to transition from unmarried to married (or their own baggage) ends up excluding everyone who is available or makes the person unlikely candidate for a lasting, happy marriage.