Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Another One to Show Your Engaged Buddies

Prompted by an earlier e-mail Dr. Laura read on-air, someone calling himself "A typical (unfortunately) husband" wrote in to Dr. Laura.

My wife and I have been basically celibate for about 19 years now. That number coincides with the birth of my son. Basically since that time we have had sexual intercourse an average of 2 times per year and in the latest years, once.

I love her and am attracted to her but am divorcing her after realizing that 10 years from now I will most likely resent her and wish I'd done something to "start over" now.
I hope you are prepared to pay lots of alimony for the rest of your life. Unless you live in a rare jurisdiction that isn't so ridiculous.

The straw that broke the camel's back happened a few months ago when I took her to lunch and explained to her that I was "needy" and wanted to be good, but needed some relief from her.

That night she let me know in no uncertain terms it was a job she was doing and she didn't want to do it but felt compelled. Let's just say it was not even intercourse or what even Bill Clinton would describe as "not sexual relations".
Ah, the hand of mercy.

After that, I knew the marriage was over. I could never ask her to do that again. It was as if she thought "sex' with me is the worst chore in the household.
Does she play tennis and golf? Does she go to WNBA games?

My wife would rather divorce than try to work out our sexual issues and she's told me that in no uncertain terms.
Well, sure. She'll get nice parting gifts. He obviously waited for his son to grow up, which is commendable.

He's found a new woman. What do you want to bet most, if not all, of the people around them think he's scum for leaving his wife for another woman, when in reality his wife checked out twenty years ago? I'm not a bettin' man, but you get the idea. Sure enough...

The worst thing about this breakup is I don't feel like I can tell anyone the real reason for it. So I will bear the burden of the divorce and the brunt of family and friend's lectures and derision. It has already started with emails calling me un-Christian and even lecturing me about using the term "God Bless" at the end of my messages.
Something to keep in mind. We don’t know everything about the marriages of other people. And a lot of what we have seen or heard, we probably shouldn't have.


  1. curiepoint8:54 AM

    I was in a similar situation to this guy, although my ex never put it forward in such blatant terms.

    After the birth of our second son, I became an accessory to her life. I was a built-in babysitter, an income source, a cook, a housekeeper, and an on-call technical guru for her computer (it was mine, really) and the cable TV infrastructure. I was all these things and more; in fact, I was everything but a husband.

    It sounds to me like this man's wife wants a divorce, but hasn't the sack to go through with it herself. She therefore is compelling him in that direction so he is the one that does the leg-work and files for it.

    To many women, sex is a tool to get what they want. Witholding it is also a tool of manipulation and control. I speculate, but it all sounds too familiar to me. She wanted the kid, but not the commitment to him afterwards. Now, she contrives to resign from the job of being a wife essentially by getting fired.

    I feel for this guy. His expectations of a marriage, his perceived importance to her life has all turned out to be a lie. I can tell you that nothing devastates a man more than perceiving his own worth and value to someone and seeing it vaporize. I am sure he has spent a lot of time wondering what he could have done to bring it all about, and a lot of time thinking about how he could change to put things to right again. I don't envy the position in which he finds himself, nor the feeling of being broad-sided. I can only say that there are no easy answers, and he is going to have to walk through fire for a long time afterwards. But, he has to go through with it.

    A marriage can only work when both parties are doing that work.

  2. "I can tell you that nothing devastates a man more than perceiving his own worth and value to someone and seeing it vaporize."

    Heck, I know how crummy I feel when, during our currently-once-a-week-only lovemaking sessions, my wife rejects a certain option intended primarily to please her... out of some hangup. If such a relatively minor thing makes me feel bad, I can only begin to imagine the soul-crushing experiences you and the letter-writer describe.

    "A marriage can only work when both parties are doing that work."

    True. Very true. When one isn't, it is worse than a business partnership where one person leaves all of the work to the other. it's like when business partner actively tries to hinder the business success. Only this is worse, because it is personal and all-encompassing.

  3. Anonymous5:47 PM

    Roissy and his fellow game gurus are right. The more you commit to a woman, the less she feels the need to provide sex to keep you happy.

  4. curiepoint1:19 PM

    It's got way more to do with sex. If someone can deploy sex or the witholding of it as a tool, the deeper emotions for which a man marries is already long gone.

    Sex is not that hard to find. Even the world's ugliest man can get laid, "game" or no game. A man puts forth a marriage proposal means that something more is wanted and needed beyond conjugal relations. The man in the letter has been duped, purely and simply. His wife had nothing whatever to offer him except lies and distortion. That hurts way more than not having a sex partner.


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