The other day I asked my husband a question and told him to be honest. If given a choice between giving up wine or giving up sex with me, which would he choose?This is asking for trouble. Wine never asks him questions like that.
You guessed it. He said, "Giving up sex with you."Hmmm. I think even most alcoholics would at least say "wine". For men, sex is like pizza or a hoagie – even when it is bad, we'll usually still take it. He either must really be angry with you in general or you (plural) must have really screwed up the sex life.
I think I knew the answer before I asked the question, but hearing it out loud devastated me.See – asking for trouble.
I know every woman wants to be No. 1 in her husband's life.Not every. A wife with a healthy attitude wants to be No. 1 (or, a close second to God). But there are women who don't mind if their husband ignores them as long as he keeps bringing in the dollars or still interacts with the kids.
Am I wrong to feel so heartbroken?Who can say your feelings are wrong? Is it normal to feel heartbroken? Sure, if you care.
Dear Abby advised:
But now it's time for a follow-up question: "Why?"Don't ask that unless you are willing to listen and repress your initial inclinations to defend yourself or strike back.
One thing is certain: When you asked your question, you "uncorked" the fact that there's a serious problem in your marriage. And now you have an opportunity to do something about it.But does she really want to do something about it? Other than hurt feelings, is she happy with the way things are? If she is, and he's not likely to divorce her, then she may not have enough motivation to change.
Why would a man prefer something else to sex with his wife?
Aside from homosexual orientation, hormonal deficiencies, or impotence on his part, there could be any number of reasons. Most husbands would rather have a plain or "ordinary" looking woman who is an enthusiastic lover than a highly attractive woman who is frigid or does an impersonation of a coma patient. We'd rather have bad or lackluster sex than no sex. But if a woman is hostile, emasculating, belittling, highly selfish, too much work for too little payoff (either by reciprocation or by letting him know what a great time she is having), or shows no regard for her appearance/hygiene/health, we may take a pass. For all we know, the letter writer has gained 200 lbs since the wedding.
One other reason: A lack of trust. If a husband suspects his wife is having sex with others, is trying to get pregnant even though she knows he doesn't want that right now, or may abort his child (that was a call to Dr. Laura not too long ago), he may stay out of her.
Guys – can you think of any other reasons? Ladies – have you encountered this problem?