Hellish Marriage and Puppy Love

Dear Abby had a couple of letters of relationships gone wrong, and I have to wonder where daddy is in both cases. NO VISIBLE WOUNDS wrote:

I have been married to "Ted" for 15 years. We have three school-age children. My husband is extremely narcissistic and passive-aggressive. During our entire relationship, he has been controlling and manipulative, as well as emotionally, economically and sexually abusive.

Taking her at her word, either she got knocked up by him right away out of wedlock (mistake) and decided to marry him, or she decided to make the first baby knowing he was this way (even bigger mistake). She went on to make two more babies with him. That was wrong on her part.

That being said...

"Controlling" is often what women call a man who ever tells them "no" or otherwise refuses to do everything they request. Same goes for "manipulative".

I'm not sure what she means by "emotionally, economically and sexually abusive" – Does she mean that he makes fun of Oprah, asks her not to buy yet another purse, and asks for fellatio, or does she mean he says he hates her, gambles away money she earned, and bites her labia?

I have remained in the marriage this long because I thought keeping the family intact was the right thing to do for my children.

The right thing was not to make babies with the guy, if he is really so bad.

(Ted doesn't abuse them. I am his only victim.)

That does hurt them. The best way a man can love his children is to first and foremost love their mother (provided the kids should be with the mother in the first place).

She's going to file for divorce, so she goes on to write...

Because Ted is very good at projecting a "good guy" image, I'm sure that people won't believe he is abusive. Should I be open about the reason for the divorce and be accused of lying?

This is why it is a good idea to file charges when someone assaults you – to have it on the record. Tell people he broke his vows (if that is the truth) and that you felt the divorce was necessary to protect the children. However, without evidence of abuse on his part, the children are going to have time alone with him - and any woman he's with.

Dear Abby tells her to gossip to some girlfriends. Nice. Hey, they already know. Where is that woman's father?

UNCERTAIN TEEN IN BEAVERTON, ORE. wrote:

I am an 18-year-old male. When I was 15, I met a girl on the Internet. We talked pretty often, visited each other and had a lot in common. I fell in love with her, as much as a teenager can love someone. Eventually we hit some bumps in the relationship and she broke up with me. We have rarely spoken since.

Abby, even though it was a teenage relationship and it was over long ago, it still hurts. Is this normal?

It isn't all that uncommon. You need perspective. In my opinion, the best way to have perspective is to focus on God, work on your studies, and hang out with friends. A lot of guys, however, find perspective through casual sex. Either way, you wouldn't see this past relationship as such a big deal. My guess is that the kid had sex with this girl and hasn't had sex since, or is a virgin.

Even Dear Abby points out...

And yes, it hurts, usually until you find yourself involved in another one.

Yup.

I'll tell you a secret: MOST people lack confidence when it comes to romance. But lasting love usually grows out of meaningful friendship.

Wait – lasting love and confidence are two different things. He can get confidence by having lots of casual sex, never finding lasting love. But he's likely to find lasting love with a quality woman if he gains confidence through character-building.

He should know that most women his age are going to be dating older guys. He should also know that most women his age are just as insecure and unsure as he is, if not more.

If he just wants sex he'll do better with older women, but of course there are always negative consequences.

If he keeps himself from getting emotionally entangled and instead focuses on his education and career and making good financial decisions, and does what he wants to do, in a few years the women will be there in his path, waiting for his request for a date.

Where's his father?