Monday, July 19, 2010

What Happened in Vegas

Time for more insight into the male mind. Am I a Prude? wrote in to Dear Margo:

I think my husband is addicted to porn.
People can get "addicted" to anything that they enjoy. But read further to see what she considers porn.

While [visiting Las Vegas], we were going to see a show but couldn’t agree on which one. I wanted to see one of the highly recommended shows like Cirque du Soleil, but he wanted to see one of the erotic nude shows.
As others noted in the comments, they could have seen the Cirque show "Zumanity" which might have been sexy enough for the hubby.

I am not interested in seeing any type of show with naked people in it.

I don't know why he thinks I would find that enjoyable, when I could be seeing "The Phantom of the Opera" or something good.
He would find in enjoyable because he has a penis, testicles, testosterone, eyes, and a male brain. Perhaps one of the shows he wanted to see is good, too. Just because a show or movie has nudity does not make it a bad show.

He says next time we go to Vegas, we will each pick a show and then go see the other’s show with them.
That might work. If he's willing to sit through a Broadway style musical with you, then he's a good husband in that respect. I would enjoy the Phantom show, but then I'm not the average straight guy when it comes to lavish musicals - Phantom specifically. Wicked sounds okay, too.

Should I agree and then, when the show makes my stomach hurt, excuse myself to go to the restroom and not come back?
If you are unable to stomach something, then don't do it. But your intolerance could be part of a larger problem. It sounds more like you are unwilling, not unable.

I don't want to see other men naked.
There are probably plenty of shows with nude or partially nude women with no male nudity.

And all I think about is that our daughter is 19 and how would I feel if she were baring her body for hundreds of men?
That's up to her. The people in those shows have chosen to be in those shows. They auditioned to be in those shows.

If I am reading it correctly, the implication she is making that is because she doesn't want to see other men naked in a show, he's not supposed to want to see other women naked in a show. She doesn't offer moral objections, just her personal tastes. If he doesn't want a candlelit dinner, does that mean she shouldn't want one? She wouldn't want her daughter doing one of those shows, but I know people who don't want their adult daughters working as housekeepers. Not wanting your child to do something does not make it wrong per se.

A moral or religious argument could be made for not going to see one of the shows her husband wanted to see, but this woman doesn't even allude to that. I don't think, based on this letter, that her husband has a problem. I write this as someone who has never watched a nude/stripping performance in person.

I wonder if there's more to the story. Is this woman keeping herself in shape and keeping herself up? Is she hiding herself from her husband? The other day I got a look at my wife walking by without a stitch of clothing when there was enough light for me to see her – a rate treat these days. I don't think there is a more beautiful sight in the world. My wife is stunning. Even so, males still tend to enjoy the sight of various women. That a man enjoys the sight of other women does not mean he isn't extremely attracted to and in love with his wife.

And speaking of that, absent other info, it doesn't sound like her husband has an addiction. (Actually, if you read her full letter, I would be more likely to wonder if he has a gambling addiction, but there wasn't even enough info to really lead that way either.)

Here's a checklist I just came up with for women worried because their husband wants to see one of those shows, or looks at images or videos of women or people having sex while on his own time, using his own computer/TV:

1. Ignoring this, is your husband being a good father, good husband, good citizen, and good employee?
2. Is he making love to you regularly?
3. Does he turn you down when you ask for/initiate sex?
4. Is he viewing it in front of minor children?
5. Is he spending anything more than personal allowance/recreation money on it?
6. Is he neglecting any of his responsibilities (chores, errands, appointments, time with family/friends)?

If you answered no to #3, 4,5, and 6, then you have a normal husband who does not have a problem habit. If you answered "yes" to #1 and 2, you have a great husband. (If you answered "yes" to #6 or "no" to #1 or 2, then there could be larger problems and his viewing could be a symptom.)

None of this is to say that there's nothing wrong with a guy (or gal) being involved in that stuff. But I think some people go way overboard in worrying about it, and I think the Christian writers and speakers I generally enjoy damage their credibility when they make it sound like flipping through Playboy will likely lead men down a path turning men into rapists and murderers.

Dear Margo also believes the letter writer was making too much of the situation, and went for the "see one of each together" option.

Here's another solution: Regularly empty the husband's testicles while in Vegas. He likely will have no motivation to spend the time/money on one of those shows.

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