Keep the Fires Burning

I found a page titled "Protecting and Enhancing Sexuality in Marriage", which gives a brief overview of that subject, but also talks a little about why it is important.

Before we talk any further about the challenges of sex in marriage, it's worth noting that married women and men report being significantly more satisfied with their sex lives than either single or cohabiting people.

Yes, and I've written extensively about this, especially the frequency side of it. The difference is, socially speaking, it is much easier for a person to look for a better/more compatible sexual partner and go after better sex if they're not married. If two people want to stay married to each other and really want to please each other, then it is going to take work, compromise, etc. And in some cases, part of the work is convincing the other person to try in the first place. Some people says that's good, some people don't. God's opinion matters most, but how many people listen to that anymore?

One of the most fundamental challenges is the decline in sexual novelty. Novelty is a major sexual stimulant. Novelty is automatic early in your relationship. Later, sex naturally becomes more familiar and less novel with your partner.

This means that to find novelty, the spouses have to be creative and have to be willing to experiment.

While most couples don’t want to make love while they are in the middle of a fight, it's a mistake to put aside your sex life for an extended period because of disagreements.

This is mainly a wife tactic – cutting off sex because of a fight. Most guys can and will have sex with the wife even if they are ticked off about something. (Heck, guys will do it right before they dump a woman, or right before they hand over the divorce papers.) The exceptions are primarily when there's a disagreement over having a child or the wife has made negative comments about the husband's sexual prowess or his genitals. But if a guy is ticked off before the sex, much of the anger will leave him about the same time his semen does.

Lack of time is one of the most often cited reasons for infrequency of sex. One of the most common myths is that sex has to take a certain amount of time. Of course, leisurely sex can be wonderful. But it’s a luxury that few couples can afford on a regular basis.

Funny – unmarried couples seem to be able to find the time.

Ok, so go for quickies.

Another top myth is that sex must be spontaneous. It’s a fact of modern life that we plan and schedule everything that is a priority.

No, we're not talking about "I expect to get laid tonight." We're talking about scheduling sex like an appointment with your accountant. Marriage is sounding better all of the time, eh?

Ok, so go for quickies but be sure to schedule a long block of time for some extensive lovin'.

Couples often avoid sex because their sex life has become dissatisfying or conflictual.

I think that means things like – he wants her to suck it like she used to and she doesn't want to anymore, or she never did want to and is unwilling to pretend she does, even though she pretended to like it before. Things like that.

Anxiety is another frequent interfering factor. Sometimes anxiety is related to inhibitions acquired earlier in life. Performance is another big source of anxiety. Performance used to be a male concern—now women, too, feel pressure to perform sexually. It's hard for mere mortals to live up to the sexual expectations and images promoted by the media.

Yes, but that's true about just about everything in life. We don't just curl up into the fetal position and die.

Fantasy can be another important source of stimulation and variety for a sex life that has become routine. Fantasy can be anything from reading sexy stories to watching sexy videos to talking about things you’d like to do (whether or not you actually go on to do them).

Wait – isn't that media?

Reviewing together the early days of your relationship and what you found so alluring in each other can be very stimulating.

That's a good tip, just as long as you avoid mentioning appearances if they’ve changed dramatically. Nobody who is obese will get turned on by their spouse talking about how the fact that they were in shape when they met was one of the attracting factors.