Girls, Guilt, and Getting It On

When writing a recent blog entry, I noted that there was a time when I was able to fornicate without feeling guilty. That thought deserves more examination. You're going to get a peek into the mind of a young man... what some of my most private thoughts were.

I was somewhat socially conservative as a teenager. While I had the same raging hormones any other boy had, I believed that sex was for marriage. I knew a lot of people were having sex outside of marriage, but whenever I realized for sure that I knew someone personally who was, whether they were close to my age or well into adulthood, I considered it somewhat of a minor scandal – not one where I would gossip to others about it, but I'd internally think less of the person.

I based my belief mostly on practical considerations that children should not be born out of wedlock and STDs were the end of the world. After all, I came of age when AIDS was killing famous people off, seemingly left and right. I was strongly opposed to abortion. Being the cautious person I was, I considered that the only way to be sure to avoid making babies out of wedlock or getting an STD was to abstain. I was aware of the Biblical prohibitions against fornication, but I figured that prohibition was based mostly on the practical considerations. I didn't consider the emotional, spiritual, or conflict-of-interest implications of sex outside of marriage. My study and understanding of the Bible was minimal at that time, and while my father had taken us (the children) to our musty-dusty mainline church, my mother stayed home, and we didn't discuss theology or religion at home other than my mother talking about religion in the academic sense. So, it wasn't like my parents impressed upon me the Christian virtues of chastity, and they probably figured I was conservative enough, obedient enough (and nerdy enough!) to stay out of trouble. After all, my mother, not even being religious, married as a virgin. Outside of the public school (= secular) teachings on the matter, my official sex education was my mother handing me a secular book (I was a reader) that did not encourage chastity, and letting me know I could ask questions.

I don't recall having questions, but I was modest and could be painfully shy about such things anyway, so even if I did have questions, I probably wouldn't have asked them. I was so modest that I was glad to avoid using locker rooms through much of my schooling, getting to officially avoid gym because I got plenty of daily exercise in a sport I was doing outside of school. And then the two years I was on a school team, I'd often be the first in the locker room, and out before others were in.

So how did I end up fornicating regularly and not feeling guilty?

Looking back, one major reason is that I never had to pressure any of my sexual/makeout partners in the slightest. None were virgins or had expressed any interest in being chaste. None ever slapped me or pushed me away. Most had more experience than I did. They expected regular sex and did not pressure me to "take the relationship to the next level", whether engagement or even just couple status because we were having sex. (There was one who pressured me to propose, but it wasn't because of the sex.) Liberated, forward, aggressive, uninhibited, slutty – whatever you want to call them, all I had to do was spend time with these women, and if they were interested, it would happen. If they weren't interested, they wouldn't agree to a second or third date - it wasn't like I was the one dropping them. With one exception, never did I date a woman for more than a date or two without, sooner or later, moving on to sex or something darn close. It was more their choice than mine, because I was fortunate in that I didn't attract women who would decide to keep dating me for the attention or freebies if they weren't going to have sex with me. The one exception was the woman who became my wife, who told me on our first date she was a virgin and was going to be one until her wedding night. That's not why she became my wife, but it is one reason the we were quickly on the road to marriage. But I wasn't some devestatingly handsome guy that turned heads and thus had a bunch of women giddy to be on my arm.

My first sexual partner was much older and had long had a high sex drive, and had wanted to seduce me, but restrained herself to flirting and hints until even clueless me started to get turned on to her. There was some guilt there because it was all new to me and I figured that a sexual relationship should at least have a marital future. The age difference made that unlikely.

I had a couple dates with a woman who was way too aggressive. I didn't feel guilty that she pulled out my penis and performed fellatio on me until I ejaculated on her. I felt weird that her parents were a mere closed door away.

My second girlfriend was also aggressive, and I thought we were going to get married. After all, I'd found someone essentially my age and we had some things in common. I did hesitate when I realized where the fateful night was going, and I told her I only wanted to have sex with a woman I could marry. She agreed. And we continued. The guilt and concern bothered me throughout, as the relationship was an unstable one and although she insisted she was unable to get pregnant, I was worried that she would. I actually shut things down a couple of times because of my concern, and she was not happy about being denied. She was the one pressuring me for sex.

I flat-out told the woman who became my third girlfriend that I wanted to save sex for marriage. If she told me the truth (and I believe her to this day), she had one sexual encounter with one boyfriend and two with another under her belt, so she was the closest thing to a virgin that I'd kissed. And yet she encouraged me to start staying with her some nights of the week, and from there things almost unavoidably evolved into regular sex. There was still some guilt there, but as with every other sexual partner, she did nothing to bring that feeling about. It was all my own doing.

After that, the guilt was gone, probably because my conscience in that regard had been deadened and I was angry with God over the end of that relationship. I never had another officially exclusive girlfriend until my wife, but I had intercourse with three other women and was a bad enough boy with several others. I did retain memories of how I viewed fornicators when I was a virgin, and so I usually didn't "kiss and tell", almost never actually admitting/telling anyone else when I was sexually involved with someone, even though it didn't take much to figure out I was. My family knew I was sexually involved with my girlfriends, and most of the people around me assumed it, but I maintained silence for the most part.

It wasn't like there were fathers or brothers around to give me withering looks. That's one way dating older women is easier. Heck, the first one's father was doing her himself (and I realize that's rape, not sex) when she was a teen, and I don't know if he was alive when we were dating – she didn’t live near her parents or brother. She was in her mid-40s, after all. I think the brother and the father of my second girlfriend realized that ship had long ago sailed and they were probably happy she was rid of her previous boyfriend, so they gave me no eye. The third girlfriend's mother told her it was good to have sex before marriage, and her mother and father not only didn't bat an eyelash when it was obvious I'd stayed overnight with their daughter, but on vacations they would make reservations and pay for this to happen. These were generally upstanding, kind, well-adjusted, respected people. And there was no brother, just an ex-brother-in-law who stayed around like part of the family. And he didn't give me any grief... because he wished he was in my shoes.

But there's still the inner dialogue – or the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other. The first girlfriend was such a ego-stroker that I figured that while I didn't have certain other things going for me, I knew I could please a woman in bed. When was I was insecure and didn't think much of myself, I sought to please women in whatever way I could.

And this is the kind of stuff that would run through my head to stifle the guilt and dissolve my reservations, some only early on in my adulthood, some with only one of my partners:

Everyone's doing it.
It's no big deal.
You need practice - women want to marry a man with experience.
You're missing out; only a homo would turn this down.
You’re on a decline from your sexual peak; your body will never be more ready or potent – don't let life slip by without using/enjoying what you have. Why let it go to waste?
This could lead towards marriage.
It's okay because she’s not going to get pregnant, and she's clean.
She's going to have sex with someone. Might as well be you.
If you don't do it, that other guy will.
You're thinking about it anyway. Might as well do it.
You orgasmed, so you owe her.
This is the natural, normal next step and everyone expects it – even her parents.
Times have changed since the Bible was written. It's a different culture. Besides, God made your body ready for sex now.

And of course...

But it feels so good.

Do any of these sound familiar?

Do men have a responsibility to restrain themselves? Yes, we do. But as my wife's favorite grandmother once told her, it is a man's tendency to go as far as a woman will let him. It falls on the woman to keep boundaries. That's human nature such as it is. But when a woman is not only inviting, but pursuing the sex, it takes a man with not only a belief that his higher priority is to subject his sexual desires to restraint, but excellent coping skills and a very strong will. I didn't have all three at the same time. As with much of social life, women end up setting the tone. If they were eager beavers, so to speak, why was I going to feel guilty? I was guilty, but I didn't feel guilty for most of the time.