Dear Abby Gets It Right In Reponse to Thrown In Kansas

A woman was having a great marriage at a time in her life many women no longer have any marriage at all, but she's found a way to ruin it, as she detailed in her letter to an advice column.

Dear Abby gave a great answer.

THROWN IN KANSAS wrote:

My husband and I are in our early 70s. We have been married seven years.

So, there's a lot of history for each one of them.

I was celibate before we met and thrilled to have a partner I respected and was attracted to.

Maybe she means chaste? Or does she meant she had never married? If she means she was chaste, especially for her entire life, then she likely doesn't have much of a libido.

Our sex life seemed normal and exciting with lots of kisses and hugs throughout the day.

So, she was happy with their level of affection and the sex.

Recently, I caught him on a phone sex call and then discovered he visits sex chat rooms. I'm devastated.

Why devastated? He's much more horny than his wife and so he seeks relief.

I feel betrayed and angry that my trust has been violated.

Trust? How does this in any way mean she can't trust him? Did he explicitly agree he'd never do anything like that?

After several attempts to lie, he finally admitted the truth, but said it was a "recent" thing -- which was even more insulting!

My therapist says men don't suddenly take up phone sex and pornography in their 70s.

They do if they're not getting as much sex as they want.

When I shared that with my husband, he revealed it wasn't "as often" in the past. He swears he loves me and will get help, but I can't imagine how I can trust him again.

"Get help?" He's saying these things because you are upset. He tried to deny what was going on because he has difficulty being honest about his sexual nature, and she clearly has trouble dealing with the reality.

He doesn't seem to want to talk about it any further, other than taking some online classes dealing with porn addiction.

Why would he want to talk about it? The truth is upsetting to you. "Porn addiction" is a term used by grifters, hysterics, and their marks. It's not an official diagnosis.

Our relationship has always been cordial and friendly and that continues, though I'm no longer willing to have sex at this time.

So he's DEFINITELY going to seek relief. "My husband is hornier than I am, so my solution is to not have sex with him at all!"

My impulse is to bolt. I'm too old to deal with this nonsense, and I just want to live the rest of my life in peace.

Want peace? Accept male sexual nature for what it is. If you won't do that, leave. You might be able to find a man who has no drive or interest, but is that what you want? The pickings of men in general are slim at your age, and you had  a good thing going with this guy.

Dear Abby responded:

Please ignore your impulse to bolt. When you started your letter, you stated you had a good marriage to a man you respect and are attracted to -- with the bonus of kisses and hugs throughout the day. Your husband isn't having physical contact with anyone on the "hotline."

True. But maybe he should go out and have an affair instead.

If your therapist hasn't told you, many thousands of individuals of both sexes consider porn to be erotica and helpful, and many couples use it to enhance their sex lives.

Porn panic people will say that porn use is "linked" to relationship problems. But what they don't tell you is that the "link" is either that the relationship was already in trouble and/or that a partner's panic over porn caused the problems. Beyond that, compulsive people tend to do things compulsively, which may include watching porn. The core issue is their compulsiveness.

Rather than sacrifice what has been a successful marriage, you and your husband would be better off scheduling some appointments with a marriage and family therapist, and possibly one who specializes in sex therapy to help you overcome your emotional issue on this highly personal subject.

Obviously, anyone consulted should not be someone who buys into porn panic. And the concern for me is making sure he's avoiding being scammed.

She was getting what she wanted and everything she needed from their sex life. He wasn't. He needs more. If it's mostly a matter of frequency, is she willing to have sex more? If he "needs" variety, she might not be able to do anything about that. If she no longer wants to have sex with him, either she needs to accept he's going to seek relief even more or this marriage is over.
https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07https://www.uexpress.com/life/dearabby/2023/06/07
Abby is going to get absurd letters and comments about how his enjoying what he does is going to turn him into a serial killer or cause children to be abused. Even some people who are usually rational and reasonable throw logic and sense out the window when it comes to erotica.

June Is Here

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.

Have a Nice Weekend

I wanted to pause for a moment and highlight some of the better or more useful posts of this blog, especially for any of you new readers.

This blog is mostly about giving an honest male perspective on life, relationships, and so much more.

I say "honest" because men, especially men in media or men who are in a relationship with you or are working with you, can't be honest about certain topics, and young men and boys often don't get the true facts of life from the older men around them. We can discuss these things on Twitter.

My Core Advice To Men

What Do I Mean Be Free Men?

Get a Vasectomy

Organizations of Which To Be Wary

Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?

Learn to Say No

The State Marriage Contract is Bad

Answering Marriage Advocates

Reasons For Men to Stay Unmarried

What Is the Marriage Strike?

Thinking Critically About Cohabitation

Women Need To Be Romanced

Why Running Game Works

Red Flags

Don't Date Women With Minor Children

Know Thyself

The Success Sequence

June Is Coming

Wedding season, gentlemen. Maybe you’re scheduled to be the groom.

Maybe a man you care about is scheduled to be a groom.

Maybe a woman you’re "seeing" or "with" is expecting you to be her date for a wedding or weddings.

Obviously, the first situation is the most dire.

This Is Depressing

My wife asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate something, something for me, not us.

What she was thinking was something like a family trip out of the country. I can't see doing that for several reasons I'm not going to get into, in addition to the cost and a hassle. One of those reasons has to do with something to which she agreed in order for me to grudgingly agree to something she wanted. Of course, when she agreed, she was probably thinking "I can change his mind later." Too bad. I told her at the time that if she got X, it would prevent Y, for directly connected reasons. She agreed.

Such a trip would be stressful, tiring, and draining for me.

I can't tell her my real answer - what I REALLY want.

Because what I'd REALLY want is a bunch of horny bisexual women who would be willing to at least pretend to be into me and each other.

But let's get what would sound more realistic.

• Sleep in
• Peace and quiet
• Relaxation - no chores or errands
  
• A nice long bath
• Uninterrupted screenings of my favorite movies on our best screen with a great, working soundsystem
• Great food and drink
• Great sex (with my wife because I'm not allowed to have sex with anyone else)

Note that free men can have days like that every week. For a married man like me, I can propose having it for a rare special occasion, but most likely, I'm not going to have great sex, I'm not going to be able to sleep in, not going to have peace and quiet, not going to have total relaxation, and not going to get the movie screenings. I'll probably get a nap - maybe - and great food and drink (purchased by me), and maybe a bath.

This is depressing to think about.

Stay free, guys.

Mother's Day is THIS SUNDAY May 14

Don't forget the mothers in your life, unless they've torn up their mother card.

Don't forget people like your stepmother, if you're trying to keep peace with her/your dad and she expects to be celebrated by you, even if she tore up her mother card.

And those of you who are foolish enough to be in a relationship with a woman who is a mother, you'd better do something for her, unless you want a fight.

Don't expect much reciprocation in June if you're a father or have taken on the role of a father.

Have A Nice Weekend

I wanted to pause for a moment and highlight some of the better or more useful posts of this blog, especially for any of you new readers.

This blog is mostly about giving an honest male perspective on life, relationships, and so much more.

I say "honest" because men, especially men in media or men who are in a relationship with you or are working with you, can't be honest about certain topics, and young men and boys often don't get the true facts of life from the older men around them. We can discuss these things on Twitter.

My Core Advice To Men

What Do I Mean Be Free Men?

Get a Vasectomy

Organizations of Which To Be Wary

Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?

Learn to Say No

The State Marriage Contract is Bad

Answering Marriage Advocates

Reasons For Men to Stay Unmarried

What Is the Marriage Strike?

Thinking Critically About Cohabitation

Women Need To Be Romanced

Why Running Game Works

Red Flags

Don't Date Women With Minor Children

Know Thyself

The Success Sequence

Gut Check Time for Men Legally Married to Men

Many same-sex marriages legally started in June 2015 or in the few years before.

In states like California, the spouse who earns more get tagged with ongoing support payments when the legal marriage ends. For every two days married, it's another day of payments. But at ten years of being legally married, you can be compelled to make payments for the rest of your life.

As of this writing, it is January 2022. [Bumped this up.]

California started giving contracts to to same-sex couples, uninterrupted, in June 2013. Some of you are rapidly approaching that ten-year mark, and some of you still have over three years until you get there.

Either way, if you're not absolutely certain that both you and your spouse want to keep this legal contract intact for the rest of your lives, you need to figure out what you're going to do.

Don't end up like so many heterosexual men, who are making never-ending payments to someone who hates their guts.

Or, use your proven lobbying power to change marriage and family law for the better.

UPDATE: How many of you have already bailed out? Don't let family law screw you over even more! Get out if you need to.

Reviewing Deep Dive

Three episodes in, my predictions here about "Dr. Laura's Deep Dive" podcast are turning out to be correct.

The free weekly podcast is between 30 and 40 minutes, and supported by advertisements at the start, end, and with breaks inside of the episode, too.

Dr. Laura pontificates on a topic she often addresses on her "live" program that airs on SiriusXM and is available as a podcast through payments on her website. She supports her points with rereading letters and replaying calls that have been on her program.

Episode 1: What Dr. Laura considers bad parenting is the reason for most of what Dr. Laura considers today's problems. Specifically, parents paying or things, like cars and phones, for their older kids rather than making the kids earn those things themselves.

Episode 2: Dr. Laura has saved children and encouraged her callers and listeners to save children, ranging from saving them from being aborted to saving them from being in stepfamily homes.

Episode 3: Essentially the answer to "What about The Proper Care and Feeding of Wives?" It's a basic overview on how to be a good husband, according to Dr. Laura.

If your time is limited, here's the bottom line:

If you regularly listen to her "live" program, either on SiriusXM or via podcast, there's no need to listen to "Deep Dive." If you want Dr. Laura's point of view about life and you really don't care about "live" calls and/or don't want to pay for the podcast or SiriusXM, "Deep Dive" might be enough for you.

Dr. Laura Is Debuting a New Podcast

After dropping one "live" program a week (usually Fridays), Dr. Laura is debuting a new podcast, "Deep Dive."

As I write this, I haven't heard it as it is scheduled to debut tomorrow. When she announced this, I expected it to be new content, as opposed to her main podcast, which is her "live" program of that day (usually... sometimes it is a past program) posted with the breaks removed, and her popular "Call of the Day" podcast, which features one call from her program. However, upon thinking about it more, I would not be surprised if at least some of the episodes will be monologues she did during her program.

But even if it is all new, the question becomes "Why drop down from five to four live programs per week, only to end up doing a new podcast?"

There are many possible reasons.

The live program relies heavily on phone callers, and that is becoming a problem for many programs as fewer people are willing to make actual phone calls. A podcast doesn't need any callers. The live program, if done live for all three hours, requires at least three hours of work, whereas a podcast can be much shorter, even something like 15 or 20 minutes, and even if Dr. Laura does research for an episode, the total time can be much less than three hours. But she doesn't necessarily need to read or watch anything new. She can speak well on a topic for 20 minutes easily. By her own statements, she doesn't argue or debate. So with a podcast, she can speak her mind about a topic and her call screeners won't have to deal with anyone wanting to argue (although some might people might try to call the live program to argue after hearing the Deep Dive podcast).

My guess is the podcast will be much like the monologues she does on her her live programs, and whenever she says "I want to talk about the last call some more" and goes on for ten minutes. For example, she's almost certainly going to talk about why she advises against daycare, casual sex, living together without a state marriage license, and marrying when you have minor children with someone else. There will be lectures on how to have a good life after a bad childhood. Things like that.

We'll see.

Listeners should definitely expect advertisements, since the podcast is being offered for free. There will probably be ads/mentions of sponsors at the start and end of the podcast as well as in the middle of it.

The podcast will certainly be used to try to get people to listen to her main program, which they can do by paying for SiriusXM or the podcast of that program (through her website). The frustrating thing about that for many people will be their desire to argue about something said on Deep Dive, but not being able to do so because it won't be allowed on the live program. The best they can do is either blog (like me) or post their responses on social media, email Dr. Laura, or call up the live program with a request for "clarification" and then sneak in their argument as part of their question. But with that last method, Dr. Laura will hang up on them and talk about five minutes asserting that "all the research" supports her position.

The State of My Union

To give you an idea of where I'm coming from, I will occasionally provide some updates and general evaluation of my current life.

I'm a husband and father. We have pets. My wife and I are homeowners with a mortgage that's probably less than a third of the value of the house right now. We have no other debt; we don't carry credit card debt beyond the free monthly limit. I'm the breadwinner. I don't hate what I do to earn money but much of it I only do for the money; it's not what I wish I was doing. I earn more than the average for the area in an area that is generally higher than the national average. Our kids are minors.

Thankfully, I'm not in bad health (as far as I know) but I could be more healthy.

Cutting Back 20 Percent

I've written much about the Dr. Laura Program on this blog.

I remain a fan of the program and the woman who hosts it, even though there are a few serious things with which I disagree. I think she mostly gets things right.

Sometime last year, Dr. Laura started taking one day per week off, almost always on Friday. "Best of" recordings are played on Friday or whichever day she takes off, and offered for the podcast listeners.

This means a 20-percent reduction in new content, since it is a weekday program.

Actually, that's not entirely accurate because often, during the four live programs, previously aired calls are played, and not just when there are technical problems. Dr. Laura tends to confirm to the audience when there were technical problems and thus recordings were played.

No, these previously aired calls are slipped in without any acknowledgement that they are previously aired calls, perhaps due to a lack of people calling in or Dr Laura needing to handle something (she works from her home).

Some podcast subscribers, who are paying, are asking if the price will be reduced or not. Asking that question on the program's social media might result in a ban.

The reduction in new, live content must be fine with SiriusXM, because she signed a new contract with them late last year and the days off and the repeat calls have continued.

This reminds me of how Howard Stern cut back on his live shows (I know Dr. Laura hates to be mentioned in the same place as him, but this is strictly about schedules.) I remember when Johnny Carson, in later years of hosting The Tonight Show, in addition to all the weeks he took off, would work Tuesday through Thursday. Jay Leno did the Monday shows and repeats were aired Fridays, or Carson would record two shows on Thursday.

As I was writing this, another ongoing thing occurred again: Someone botched the podcast. The podcast is supposed to be the program that aired that day, uploaded as one recording for each hour, with the breaks removed. Sometimes a segment gets repeated (thus replacing a segment), sometimes the hour get cut short (for example, it will be 37 minutes instead of the 48ish it normally is), and sometimes, like this time, the wrong hour gets uploaded. This time it was especially noticeable because instead of being an hour from a couple of weeks ago, it was the second hour of yesterday's program being uploaded again as the third hour. Mistakes happen. But when they aren't corrected, and asking about them on the program's social media can result in being blocked, that's not a good look. Will this latest one get corrected? Based on experience... It might. It might not. [UPDATE: It was fixed.]

Like me, you might find it is still worth it to pay for the program. Bit understand you're getting four programs per week, not five, and some of the four new programs contain content you'll start to recognize as having aired before.

Why Do You Read This Blog?

I'd  like to "hear" from you, especially if you're a returning reader. Leave a comment below. You can post anonymously. If you don't want your comment published, say so in the comment and I will delete it after reading it. Comments have to be approved before they can be published.

You don't have to be supportive. Maybe you come here because you hate what I write. Maybe you like it when I write about being miserable (when I do). That's fine, too. Just let me know why you read this blog. If you want more of something or less of something, say so. I might not adjust in a way you like, but maybe I will.

So... tell me. 

Thanks.

No, Really, I Need A Vacation

I'm not talking about a family vacation. We haven't done one of  those in forever, either.

I'm talking about being away from being a husband (butler) and father.

This is a follow up to this entry.

I think it was a year and a half ago, or so, that I got away for a few days, but that was basically to work with a friend of mine. It could hardly be called a vacation.

I don't need to go anywhere. My wife and our kids could go somewhere. The thing is, they're not going to go anywhere together without me. They'd need to be split up. Likewise, they aren't going to all be home together without me, unless it needs to be that way for work for a few days.

Work.  Heck, as long as it was working from home, it would feel like a vacation (staycation) as long as I didn't have to handle chores and errands, or deal with disputes between the rest of the family.

But... there are pets who'd need care. Pets I didn't want to get because of the expense, the mess, and I knew it would mean more work for me and be limiting as far as getting away.

I'm not talking about  need to see sights or do various activities.

I just want to relax and have a lack of stress for several days.

I want to be able to sleep as long as I want, wake up because I want to wake up and not because something needs to get done right now.

I want to read what I want to read, write what I want to write, watch what I want to watch, listen to what I want to listen to... without interruption, without someone else around who might not like it.

I want to relax in pool that isn't cold, or in a hot tub, or a bath, with no time limit.

If you're new to this blog, especially if you've never been married, you might be asking "Why would you need to get away from your wife? Don't you want to have sex on your vacation?"

HA!!! Oh, that's hilarious. Sex? Probably wouldn't happen. No, if she's around I'll have chores and errands, even if we are somewhere else. My wife doesn't crave vacation sex. She avoided it for an entire long weekend for our anniversary when I'd made arrangements for us to get away. That wasn't an anomaly: sex isn't a priority for her. That's how it is for, probably, most wives who have all the children they wanted and have reached the point in a marriage in which the husband would have to pay lifetime alimony if he left.

I want to be clear I wouldn't be fooling around with anyone on this vacation. No, that's one of the ways I'm very loyal. I'm a married man. My wife wouldn't approve of any involvement with another woman. So, it's her or nothing, which, except for a few restricted minutes every month or so, means it is nothing.

You guys who live alone: Enjoy it! Enjoy your peace and quiet. Enjoy being able to nap, or sit down, or sleep in without someone needing something from you. Enjoy being able to watch a movie or show you want to watch on a big screen, without being interrupted or disapproval or complaints.

Could I schedule a vacation for myself? Not without causing a lot trouble. And I'd probably have a stream of texts and calls I'd have to deal with at the very least.

Valentine's Day Aftermath

Are you an unmarried guy who just spent a lot of money and effort on Valentine's Day, only to get what you used to get all of the time? Or did you get less than that?

Did you even propose marriage and give her a ring?

If you're not married, and you just made a big deal about Valentine's Day, and especially if you proposed marriage, you need to step back and think about what you've done and you are doing. Are you regretful? Are you doubting? Are you asking yourself "Why did I do that?" If not, you probably should be.

Most men shouldn't be in exclusive relationships, and certainly not marriage!

Most unmarried men, if they play their cards right, can get everything they want without spending a lot of money and energy on Valentine's Day, birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries.

If there is a woman who is planning to marry you this June, or any other time this year, you probably need to put the brakes on the relationship, especially if there are any red flags. If you're shacking up and/or if she has kids, plan your escape!

You don't need to be married. And there's a good chance that, deep down, you don't really want to be.

So, get out. And learn to be scarce so that you won't get trapped into wasting money, effort, and time on things like Valentine's Day or meeting a woman's family or friends for holidays.

If you're scheduled to get married in June or anytime soon, here's how to cancel the wedding.

If you're engaged, here's how to get out of that.

If you're in a supposedly exclusive relationship, here's how to break up.

Be a Free Man.

Unmarried Men, You Need to Get or Stay Scarce Until at Least February 15

Unmarried men, if you've been staying scarce for the last month or two when it comes to any woman who was thinking of you as husband material, keep up the good work!

For those of you who spent December and the holidays with such woman, you really need to get with the program NOW!!!

You DO NOT want a woman trying to make you her husband, and so you need to get or stay scarce. Be busy. Be "sick."

There are ads on television, radio, and websites/apps right now trying to get men to plan romantic evenings and buy expensive items because February 14 exists. NO NO NO!!!

Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive to a woman.

Annual Marriage Sellers Propaganda Week

February 7-14 is the week that marriage sellers have picked to be their annual publicizing of more propaganda than usual.

DO NOT FALL FOR IT GUYS! Certainly, DO NOT PROPOSE OR MARRY on Valentine's Day!

If you're not currently married, DO NOT let these people fool you.

There is no benefit to you to get legally married (or married again) that you can't get for less cost without legally marrying.

Marriage is a terrible state contract for most men.

Most marriages fail.

You can have an honorable, happy, fulfilled, full, productive, good life without ever legally marrying.

Something you're likely to see:

"Married people are happier."

For the purposes of this blog, I'm more concerned about men. Not "people." Our marriage laws and culture are gynocentric. Women get materially rewarded for marrying. Of course marriage can make women happy. (Don't be fooled, though. Women might like getting married, but many despise and resent their husbands, and don't really want to be wives.)

Briefly, because I've detailed this elsewhere, here's why you shouldn't infer what they are outright saying or trying to imply; getting married will make you happy.

1. Married men aren't always being honest or reality-based when reporting that they are happy. If they aren't assured their answers are anonymous and that their wife won't see their answer, if they don't want to admit "failure," if they think saying they are anything less than thrilled with their marriage would be a sin or a negative confession, they're not going to be honest. Most people in my life, including my wife, think I'm happily married. I'm not. But I don't let on (weekly therapy helps me keep the ruse going) because it would make my life worse if I did. I was VERY happy before I married. Unfortunately, I was ignorant and delusional enough to think I should marry.

2. Many of these husbands have no idea how much happier they'd be if unmarried.

3. Men told by their family, their religion, culture, etc. that they're losers if they're not married, and they've bought into it, are going to be happy that they got married.

4. Happier people are more likely to attract and keep a spouse. It isn't that marriage made them happy. They were already happy. If unhappy, they are more likely to get divorced and thus be counted as "unmarried."

5. Studies about this never separate out intentionally unmarried men. Rather, all unmarried men (divorced, widowed, shacking up, hoping to get married, unable to attract a wife, etc.) are lumped together. Men who have decided to be Free Men or have otherwise joined the marriage strike can be much happier than the average husband.

The other "benefits of marriage" can be debunked in the same or a similar way. Alleged correlations might sound great, but don't withstand close scrutiny. Again, these claims that marriage is of benefit to men never separate out men who are able to attract women, but have intentionally avoided marrying,

Feel free to link to, copy and paste, or steal shamelessly from this blog to counter the narratives you'll be seeing this week.

Here are just a few other posts on this blog that might help:

My Core Advice to Men

Why You Don't Want to Do That

Reasons For Men to Stay Unmarried

How to Just Say No to Giving Up Your Freedom

How to Keep Your Friends Free

You Don't Need a Wife

Being His Lover - Part 2: He Wants To Satisfy You

In Part 1 of this series, I explained that, if most relationships with a man, being a good lover is important and it can be easy.

But it's not all about him.

Unless you chose poorly, your man wants you to be sexually satisfied. He wants to rock your world.

But men are not mind readers, so you have to clearly tell us or, even better, show us what you want, what gets your toes curling, what makes you feel loved. (If you don't already know, you'll need to think about it and also probably get to "know" yourself much better.)

We will do it!

Constructive encouragement and clever redirection will help. Criticism or complaining will destroy. Penises don't take criticism well, and men generally have fragile egos when it comes to sex.

Is he doing something you don't like? Is there something you'd rather he be doing at that moment? "Beg" for him to do X, which gets him to stop doing Y without you saying "Don't do Y!" Or tell him, "What will really drive me wild right now is if you..."

"Yesss!" is great. Examples:
"Yes, just like that."
"Yes, don't stop!"
"Yes, a little higher."
"Yes, a little lower."
"Yes, a little to the side."
"Yes, a little faster."
"Yes, a litter slower."
"Yes, a little softer."
"Yes, a little harder."

After everything is over, like the next day or something, reinforce for him what you liked. "Thank you so much. It was especially great when you..." You might also say, "I'm a little curious. Maybe one of these days we could try..."

We also don't want to be selfish, so if it is one of those occasions you're unprepared or unwilling to let him "get you there" but you still see the benefit of "taking care" of him, tell him that in a way that doesn't make it sound like sex is a burden or you're not interested or he's unattractive to you. That can be something like saying in a sultry voice, "Ooh, I want to do this so bad. Just let me do this, this time while you just relax and enjoy." If he thinks you enjoy doing something sexual to him for the sheer sake of him enjoying it, that's a turn-on and a great feeling to a man.

Rejection hurts. It can ruin your relationship. If he's feeling horny but you are not in the mood and he's not going to be able to get you into the mood, instead of "Ugh, not again!" it would be much better to say and do something like "Hey, stud, how about you relax and let me..." You can fill in the blank. Of course there will be times in which any form of sex is not going to work for you at all, and if you married a good man, he will accept that. It is best if you reassure him you love him and love what you do together even as you "postpone" a session.

If he can't tell if you still need to orgasm, you want (another) one, he's probably done, and he doesn't have the presence of mind to ask if there is anything else he can do for you, you can try "I'm enjoying this so much, let's keep going." Show him/tell him what to do. "I need your talented tongue..." or "I need your fantastic fingers..."

I come (no pun intended) from the school of "she comes first." Hopefully, you can get him to adopt that if he hasn't already. The only drawback to that is that if it is one of those times you don't want to try or you know it's not going to happen, he has to switch to accepting that he gets it without you getting it. The problem with male physiology is that unless we're in an extremely, extraordinarily arousing situation, we lose our erection after orgasm and lose our interest for a bit, almost like some women apparently feel for the rest of their live after they eat their wedding cake (or, after they're done having kids, or have hit menopause). But we can be back to being erect and eager in a short amount of time, especially under the right circumstances.

Positive reinforcement and playful redirection are your friends. He's not a mind reader. He wants to please you. But you have to let him, and you have to show him how.

Being His Lover - Part 1: It Is Important and It Can Be Easy

This is going to talk bluntly about sex, and is intended to help women.

Assuming you married, or will marry or partner up with, a "typical" good man and not some sort of very odd guy or a bad man, it will help your relationship and benefit you much to be a great lover.

Sex is extremely important to most men. That's just the way God or nature made us. If you think it's just a matter of how we've been socialized, consider gay male subcultures and history. Even though our culture hasn't traditionally socialized men/boys to be gay, gay men demonstrate almost all of the same sexual nature found in heterosexual men as far as how important sex is, being visually stimulated and wanting to see skin, the desire for variety, enjoying the sight of others but still being happy and attracted to their lover, and more. And yeah, there are some women who feel a need for a lot of sex, women appreciate a good hardbody on a man, some women want sexual variety, but for most women, it's just not the same. Comparing men as a group and women as a group, and the "average" man and "average" woman, the male sex drive is far stronger, desire for diversity much more persistent, and the spectrum of attraction enormously wider.

The good news for women is that being a great lover is entirely within your power. You don't have to look like a swimsuit model. Also, if you are a great lover, most other things don't even matter, or matter much less. If you dented the car or he had a bad day at work, a good lovemaking session is likely to put him in a much better mood.

You don't have to talk with him for a long time, take him to dinner and a movie, bring him flowers or gifts, light candles, etc. All you have to do is please his peter, which you can do with your hands, mouth, breasts, and/or your "other cheeks" with or without showing any other skin. Or, if he's like me, getting his face between your thighs also works. Boom. He's having a better day. He could be watching sports, or doing any number of things that aren't sexy or romantic, and you can still get him aroused and to orgasm with no other preparation except maybe lubricant. (But if he's watching his favorite team, it's best to wait until it's over or until the halftime break, if there is one, unless what you're doing doesn't obstruct his view.)

There's a lot more to say, so I've decided to break this up into a series.

Part 2: He Wants to Satisfy You

Some Things to Remember

Whether you're a regular reader or you just happened to find this blog today, I wanted to leave this message to last through the holidays, until I'm updating this blog regularly again.

Men matter.

If you're a man, you matter.

Your needs matter.

What you want matters.

If you're a father of a minor child, what your child needs should take more priority than what you want.

If you don't have minor children but are married, it is OK to leave a bad state contract you signed when you were delusional or ignorant. If it is early on in the marriage, staying longer can make things worse for you at an increasing rate.

If you're engaged, you're probably better off breaking the engagement (or, delaying a wedding date until she gets fed up and leaves).

If you are thinking of proposing, you probably shouldn't.  You don't need a wife.

Shacking up is generally a terrible idea. Don't move in with a woman, and don't let her move in with you.

Get a vasectomy.

Especially if you haven't gotten a vasectomy, don't date mothers of minor children. And if you have minor children, they shouldn't be meeting any new lover of yours until later.

Stay free.

If you want to date, you can run game. DO NOT even flirt with anyone from work.

Build up an emergency fund if you don't have one.

You have something to contribute to the world. The better off you are, the more you are able to contribute.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

With the holidays here, I might not be posting much. We'll see. I plan to resume my recent pace of posting new entries and bumping up relevant past ones after the holidays are behind us. Every week, I like to have at least a couple of new entries and bump up a few classic entries, but I might not have time to resume that pace until the 3rd or 4th of the New Year.

I do plan to keep active on Twitter through the holidays. Follow me there, if you don't already. Send me Direct Messages there, if you'd like.

I hope the holidays are going well for you, and that you have a blessed New Year.

Why Do You Read This Blog?

I'd  like to "hear" from you, especially if you're a returning reader. Leave a comment below. You can post anonymously. If you don't want your comment published, say so in the comment and I will delete it after reading it. Comments have to be approved before they can be published.

You don't have to be supportive. Maybe you come here because you hate what I write. Maybe you like it when I write about being miserable (when I do). That's fine, too. Just let me know why you read this blog. If you want more of something or less or something, say so. I might not adjust in a way you like, but maybe I will.

So... tell me. 

Thanks.

(I've asked this question before.)

Does Dr. Laura Need a Change?

Dr. Laura Schlessinger has had an amazing and unequaled career in media. Her long-running terrestrial radio program was nationally syndicated and was a top three program. She quit terrestrial radio and set up on satellite radio at SiriusXM. She has been there for many years now. She has many bestselling books, had a magazine, has done one-woman shows, a written column, and has popular videos, podcasts (excerpts from her program), and posts on social media.

She could retire today with her head held high. There will likely never be another woman in terrestrial radio as successful as she was.

However, she has repeatedly said on her program she doesn't want to retire. It isn't hard to see why. She works from home on a Monday-Friday three hour, mid-day program. She doesn't have to deal with multiple program directors across the country. She doesn't have to make appearances or do interviews. She has complete control over her program. It's entirely audio, so she doesn't have to dress any specific way or get made up, or worry about her appearance or what she's silently doing.

Yet there are four things that indicate to me that if she's not going to retire, she needs a change.

1. She is into her mid-70s

2. Crosstalk severely frustrates her.

3. Society has changed.

4. Talk programs specifically are changing.

This is going to be a long post. I didn't want to divide it into a series.

Jumping to Conclusions

Man kills self, woman most affected. (Consider that a trigger warning.)

I posted about this on Twitter but I wanted to write more about it here.

More Relationship Joy From Dear Abby Column

Both letters in a recent Dear Abby column caught my eye.

BEWILDERED IN CANADA wrote:

I married for the second time two years ago to a younger woman.

BIG MISTAKE. Canada is NOT a place a man should want to get legally married, let alone for a second time.

Seven months after our wedding, she announced she didn't like my dominating personality, which is why she was stepping out of the marriage. She then went back to her deadbeat ex-boyfriend for six months.

That should have been the end of it.

Dear Abby Letter Writer Better Off as a Free Man

Men are told to communicate what they want, but when they do, they're ridiculed as controlling, arrogant, shallow, perverted, callous, and inflexible. [This was originally posted in January 2019 and still holds up.]

Check out this recent letter to Dear Abby from DATING IN 2019 and click through to read the comments:

Lately I have become perplexed at the vanity and immoral behavior now associated with the task of dating.

I wish the printed letter would have explained what he meant by those terms.

I'm a single man living by myself with no responsibilities but my own.

What a great life! Why screw that up with a woman? Anyway, if he's also gainfully employed, not in debt, and not short or hideous, then he should have his pick of women. The thing is, he's picky.

I am looking for someone who will fit into my lifestyle.

Well, pal, very few, if any, women will be like that, although some might pretend to be until they get the keys to your place, or your signature on the dotted line, or your child. They're going to want to change things about your life. And even if they don't want to, there are things about just about any woman that would disrupt your lifestyle. Critical information is left out: his age.

It's Not Too Early to Form Your Holiday Game Plan

Free Men, and men who want to be, it's NOT to early to think about the holidays, and by that, I mean Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day. 

There are two main considerations for you:

1) Dealing with family and "friends" who will be asking you (or pestering you) about your status as a free man. You now how it goes. "When are you going to get married?" Questions like that.

2) Avoiding spending those special days with a woman who wants to take away your status as Free Man, or will be expecting you to spend a lot of time, money, and effort on her.

Don't do something something foolish and start thinking there is "the one" to whom you should hand over your freedom. Don't be so ignorant, delusional, or masochistic that you're thinking you want to be exclusive with a woman.

Do I Have A Moral Obligation To Warn My Wife About Divorce?

Let's assume that I decide that, once our youngest child is 18, which should be after they are done with high school, I'm going to file for divorce.

That's still years away.

In general, do husbands have a moral obligation to give advanced notice? How much in advance?

Do I have a moral obligation in particular?

Please note that I'm not talking about financial or legal strategy. I would talk to an accountant and an attorney about those things.

I'm talking about morality. Would I be morally obligated to tell her I'm going to file for divorce, and how far in advance would that obligation exist?

Keep in mind:

Mark of the Day

Here's the fool, sucker, or mark of the day. In the September 22, 2022 Dear Abby column, RANKING LOW IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote:

My wife died two years ago. I met a woman shortly afterward.

Guys married for a long time who are widowed often make the mistake of quickly jumping into another marriage, not realizing that it is possible to thrive while free and if they had a good wife in their prior marriage, that's a rare thing.

We dated for a year, shared the same hobbies and were very intimate. We were inseparable.

Ah yes, that's what she wanted you to think.

Now, after a year of marriage, we don't do anything together, and she has put on 30 pounds.

That's bad enough, but it gets worse. So much worse.

Her three girls, who I was led to believe were independent at ages 20, 22 and 24, are actually supported in part by her.

NOPE NOPE NOPE! This is why FULL disclosure and customized prenups are  MUST if you're going to be foolish enough to legally marry.

Her 15-year-old son lives with us and just stays in his room playing on his computer. He gets food delivered and does no chores.

NEVER be with a woman who has minor children!!!

I make $250k a year. She works and earns about $50k, and I give her an allowance to help pay for her son's private school and whatever else she wants.

SUCKER!!! With that salary, he could have attracted childfree, younger, hotter women!

It's obvious that I'm not No. 1 in her life.

You won't be number one with any mother.

Since she just returned from a girls weekend (that I funded), I may not even be No. 2.

You're the walking ATM. She probably doesn't even like you.

My friends say I should run, that she's a gold digger who took advantage of me.

Your friends are right. Life doesn't have to be this way.

Dear Abby's answer included:

If you have any desire to save this marriage, tell your wife you are unhappy and offer her the option of counseling.

WRONG! There's no point to counseling. Consult an attorney NOW. If the place is your place, you're at risk of losing it. A good family law attorney can help you get out of this marriage with as little damage as possible. The laws are set up to SCREW YOU OVER. Every day that goes by without a separation or a divorce filed puts you further down a hole. What we have here is another woman who pretended as long as it took to get a sucker to sign on the dotted line (which wasn't long) and then she figured she had his balls and would live off of him, ignoring his needs. So there's no point to trying to make it work. We know what kind of woman she is.

Get free and STAY FREE. If you need female companionship, run game. Or, at least refuse to pay their way through life, and never let them move in with you.

What Did I Expect?

[This entry was initially published in April 2020. Things haven't changed much. The changes are mostly from the kids getting older and more able to take care of themselves.]

There is a school of thought that says if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed.

Well, sure. 

But expectations can be reasonable. I expect that if I smash my thumb with a hammer, it's going to hurt.

I expect that if someone employs me, they're going to compensate me as we agreed if I perform the work as agreed.

I expect that if I slow down and stop at a stop sign in a safe and reasonable, manner, any vehicle behind me will do the same.

We all have expectations, some more reasonable than others.

I make it clear on this blog and Twitter that marrying was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Marrying was voluntary. I married because of certain expectations. Without these expectations, I wouldn't have been motivated to marry.

What did I expect?

Based on things like my own parents, the people I've observed, church, media in general, Dr. Laura and Focus on the Family in particular, and based on what I knew about my now-wife, I expected that when my now-wife said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, that meant:

1) I was going to be the breadwinner for the family, working full-time and commuting.

2) My wife was going to be the homemaker, social calendar keeper, and primary nurturer of our children. This would entail her keeping the house from becoming a health code violation; handling most of the cooking/meal prep, laundry, and shopping; keeping us in contact with family (both hers and mine) and friends; engaging with the kids while they're home; and getting the kids to where they need to go for various activities and friend time, unless those activities are when I'm home from work.

3) As we discussed, we were either going to homeschool, or, as a backup, place the kids in private school. If that happened, she'd be able to work, at least part-time, and that would more than offset the cost of private school. I would handle more of the domestic responsibilities if she would be working outside the home.

4) We would be making love, or at least having sex, about three times per week. This would involve the occasional "the kids aren't home, lets go wild" time and us seeking, through practice and exploration and education, to pleasure each other intensely, perhaps in new ways, and to grow in our sexuality, almost like making it a hobby. It would involve some, perhaps rare, spontaneity. Making love would be a priority. Of course, during times of illness or extreme circumstances things would slow down or be on hold.

What A Terrible Existence

I'm on Twitter and I am there promoting the messages about relationships, dating, marriage, gender relations, etc. that I do here. I link to this blog in some of my tweets. [This entry has been bumped up.]

Some people who don't like what I say, instead of explaining why, call me an incel. That's short for involuntarily celibate. Celibate means unmarried, but people often use it to mean chaste, for some reason. Trying to insult me by calling me an incel shows that they don't know the first thing about me.

I'm married. I'm not an incel. I'm a regretmarried. And we do have sex. Just not nearly often enough and generally not as good as the sex I got when I wasn't married.

Another way someone tries to insult me instead of actually discussing what I write is by saying things like:

"I really pity your wife."

Hmmm. Let's consider my wife's situation.

Salem Trades In Medved For Gorka - UPDATED

I originally wrote and posted this at the end of 2018. I'll add some current [August 2022] thoughts at the end.

*****

I've long made a habit of listening to Michael Medved and I've often read his columns. I have a couple of this books.

While he seems to be personally very conservative (as in his personal life), he hasn't been a "the Republican way is the only way; screw Democrats" kind of guy when it comes to politics. He's tried to be fair to disagreeing callers Left of him, and to those Right of him (and there have been a lot of those lately!)

He has given his Democrat/Leftist friends plenty of air time and is generally very polite, trying to find common ground with just about anyone. He has always said he wants the President to succeed no matter who it has been, so that has included Obama.

I first thought things might change for him in 2016, when he refused to endorse or vote for Trump. Mind you, he didn't vote for this classmate, Hillary, either. Salem talkers who did endorse Trump were sent on a tour that year to try to get out the vote. Medved did participate in Salem townhalls, at which many in the audience were disappointed at his refusal to endorse Trump.

Since Trump was elected, Medved has praised the things the President has done that he likes and criticized (usually constructively) the things he hasn't liked, and there have been plenty of those.

The writing was on the wall once Sebastian Gorka, one of the many people with Trump Administration experience, started filling in for various Salem talkers when they were away from their own shows. Gorka is very much in Trump's corner, and not just because that's who happens to be the (Republican) President. Gorka has an accent and voice some listeners find appealing. I did often listen to his guest hosting stints, whereas I listen to very few guest hosts. Gorka expressed, on-air, his enjoyment of hosting.

Dennis Prager Looks At Marriage Like a Job

Dennis Prager looks at marriage like a job. He has said so on multiple occasions. As with actual jobs, he thinks everyone should get married and to do so as soon as they can, they should leave the marriage (fire their spouse) if the spouse doesn't do their duties, and then get married again to someone else. Thus, it isn't hypocritical for him to be in his third marriage.

Most people need actual jobs because they need the compensation (money, benefits, etc.) Most men don't need to be married. Certainly, the compensation provided doesn't warrant the "labor."

Men like Dennis Prager and his former fellow Salem host Michael Medved like to portray men as hapless without a wife. Maybe they were hapless without a wife. Plenty of men can do just fine without one. It's never been easier! I was doing GREAT without a wife. Also the solution to men having difficulty thriving as unmarried is to teach them how to thrive while unmarried, not tell them to sign a terrible state contract.

Dennis Prager and those who think like him on this subject will say men have an obligation to marry, because it does things like tames them, makes them grow, and it is the best way to raise children (and they also see raising children as an obligation). But men can be tamed and can grow without marriage. They also see it as man's obligation to pay a woman's way through life so she won't be dependent on government, or at least pay her for sex, and they see marriage as facilitating that. Again, how about teaching women how to be independent? You can still pay women for sex without a terrible state contract. These things have been addressed at length on this blog before.

Dennis Prager sees marriage as a tool to get people to behave how he wants them to behave. I say there are better ways to handle that, including persuasion.

He is emotionally tied into the idea that being a husband makes a man better, going back to when he'd see the married men in his childhood religious congregation wearing shawls that the unmarried men didn't. It is so ingrained in his emotions and memories that he is unlikely to accept the present day realities for most men.

I STILL Need A Vacation

I went back and read this entry from March 2018, titled "I Need A Vacation."

It's been over four years since that was posted.

The closest I've gotten to a true vacation since that was posted was about three days over a weekend that I spent helping a friend do something out of state. There were some relaxing hours, but it wasn't like the whole thing was relaxing. It was a lot of work. But at least I got to hang out with my friend.

My kids have, separately, spent time away with family, like a few days or a week at a time. My wife has taken one of the kids for a long weekend convention a couple of times. I took one of the kids to an event a couple hour's drive away that involved an overnight away. I also took one of the kids on an exhausting field trip that lasted multiple days. One of the kids has been away for camps lasting almost a week at longest.

We haven't had a family vacation.

We haven't had a couple's vacation.

I haven't had a vacation for me.

We've done some fun things as a family that haven't taken us away from home for the better part of a day. These excursions aren't relaxing for me because I have to handle my wife and keep track of the kids.

It's extremely rare for my wife and I to so much as go to dinner without the kids.

There are many reasons for all of this. It isn't that I haven't suggested more dates with the wife. It isn't that I wouldn't want to take family trips.

For one thing, It's the reality of having pets. I expressed reluctance about getting more pets as our previous pets neared the end of their lives, precisely because of the restrictions it would place on travel, the expense, and the mess. And I was right, but basically I was overruled.

More so, though, it's the reality of the family dynamics. We haven't been able to leave the kids with the same babysitter, meaning we have to make multiple arrangements to have the kids with others, and taking the kids along for things makes everything more expensive, of course.

And of course some of the time we were under lockdowns.

What has really helped the last couple of years is working from home, which has only been successful because I've been able to go into a home office and close the door, and only be interrupted with texts and knocks on the door. Fortunately, I can still work well even as I have to "put out fires" and handle interspersed chores and errands. It has been a help to NOT have to commute for work and attend in-person meetings that also required driving from one place to another. In that sense, the lockdowns and subsequent enabling of remote work have been a help to me.

Still, as the week goes along, I find myself getting exhausted and needing downtime. But I don't want my kids stuck at home all the time, so I take them places and that's tiring for me.

I STILL need a vacation. No vacations are planned.

This is the life of husband and father.

How Was Your Father's Day?

 
So, how was your Father's Day?

Comment below, whether you're a dad or know a dad you were with for Father's Day or you did something for a father you know.

Dennis Prager Gets a Call From A Clueless Woman, Pushes Marriage

During the open lines third hour of today's Dennis Prager Show (October 4, 2019), he got a call from  "Anne in Dallas". I really wish Anne would have called Dr. Laura instead. [This entry has been bumped up. I wonder how "Anne" is doing now?]

Anne was never asked, and never directly revealed, whether or not she has children, wants children, or her age. She did indicate that she's been looking for a traditional husband (= walking ATM) for many years. There was no indication she has ever been married before (sounds like she hasn't) or if she'd been riding the carousel until she got religion.

But she's dating a 48 year-old man "off and on" for two years who has been married three times already, the longest marriage being four years.

Right there, Dr. Laura probably would have laughed and her and then hung up.

Doesn't Take My Breath Away

 

 

 

Here's something that reinforces the point I made here.

 
A woman posted on Facebook bemoaning that Kelly McGillis wasn't in "Top Gun: Maverick."

Some people are responding by saying the McGillis hasn't had much of a movie career in years. But, really, she could have been brought back for this movie if the producers wanted to do that.

It would have been embarrassing, though. 

 

She played Tom Cruise's love interest in the original. Tom has aged very well, and has no doubt worked very hard at maintaining his appearance. He's recognizable as the same person from the original movie. These pictures of McGillis are how she looked in the original, and her looking her best now. Notice it's pretty much a head shot. You can search for pictures of what she looks like these days, if you want.

This isn't a Hollywood problem. This is reality.

The reality is, time is on the side of men.

McGillis, it turns out, doesn't care about attracting men in her personal life. But her personal life isn't the totality of the movie industry. The woman who wrote this said she wanted to see McGillis and thinks she's beautiful. Well, I don't think McGillis is ugly. But this movie isn't a chick flick. It's a movie targeted at men who like military movies and jets, and targeted at women who want to see Tom Cruise. Most of those women wouldn't want to see McGillis, at least not as Tom Cruise's current or past love interest.

McGillis may be a very decent and sweet person. I have no idea. I've never met her and I've never heard anything about her other than what's out there in the general public.

The writer of that lament wants people to stop noticing that most women hit the wall. Isn't going to happen. She might as well tell women they should marry poor men shorter than themselves (and yeah, I know Cruise is short). This is reality. Most men find younger women who aren't overweight most attractive. And most women won't agree to be exclusive with a man who isn't taller, stronger, and richer than she is. Older women, regardless of appearance, can be very significant members of society, great friends and neighbors, and all of that. But they're usually not going to be the main love interest in mainstream movies, even if men their age are.

Want McGillis featured on the big screen as a love interest or otherwise as attractive? Collaborate with  and produce something for her. "Top Gun" isn't it.