Don't Sign Up For This

Two letters to Dear Abby and an obituary notice are something to behold, guys.
A SECOND CHANCE wrote to Dear Abby:

Because I was sexually abused as a child, I have difficulty trusting men.

DONE. That's a big "DO NOT TOUCH" sign right there. That's how she started the letter.

My oldest sons have different fathers. While they were toddlers, I met the father of my youngest two sons.

She trusted three men enough to let them stick it in her and knock her up. Who knows how many other men have been there? Doesn't that take some level of trust?

Some Men Are Masochists

...and I don't mean in the fun, sexual sense.

A picture popped up in my Facebook feed that caused me to laugh out loud and shake my head.

My ex-fiancee and her ex-husband posted a picture in an update that stated they were in a relationship (again). Read that again if you didn't quite catch it.

I've probably written about this before, but I'm not finding the entries so here's the background...

Calm Waters For Now

Things have been "good" the last few weeks or so with my wife. Prior to that, I was heading in to a few days off, and she picked a fight with me and I figured she was setting up her excuse to avoid affection and to sit in bed all day until I returned to working. But inexplicably, she woke up the next day and wanted a hug. Nothing had really changed in our discussion. She had not accepted any of my answers to her questions, and yet here she was, wanting a hug.

So, what typically happens, I oblige and then I’m happy the active, open hostility has subsided, but in the back of my mind, I know it is only a matter of time until she has another round of being actively, openly hostile towards me, quite possibly without any discernible trigger. Like I said, since that last round things have been "good". I use quotation marks because it is a relative description. If you would have described my life now to me when I was deciding whether or not to ask my wife to marry me, I would have ran the other way.

Given the ages of our kids, my wife could definitely work at least part-time, but she "can't" because of her physical condition. The thing is, she can drive and use computers for hours on end, so yes, she can work. Ah, but being a full-time Wife and Mom means she'll have time and energy for me and the kids and to make a pleasant home. At least... that's what people like Dr. Laura and other advocates for SAHMs say all of time. However, that's not how things are actually playing out. My wife is doing laundry more again, which is good, and she does some of the shopping, which is good. But the house is a mess, she rarely cooks (on the bright side, I know she's not secretly drugging me and she can't consistently drug my kids behind my back), and the sex is pretty much just mercy sex once every two or three weeks. She did change her medications so that she can now achieve orgasm again, but so far, the frequency of sex hasn't increased as a result. I do gently try to initiate, but there's usually some way that gets shot down: "It would be better tomorrow..." and then usually it doesn't happen the next day: "I’m not feeling well"; or she picks a fight, or she's gets on the rag.  It's pretty easy to deflect when you limit the opportunity to once per week, knowing that at least one week every month will have a period and refusing to do anything while on your period.

In my wayward youth, I enjoyed actually sleeping with the women with whom I was fornicating. We'd cuddle and spoon. I can't recall if I've ever done that with my wife. She usually comes in to go to sleep long after I do and I get up long before she does, and even if we go to bed at the same time, cuddling is out because of her physical condition and her preferences regarding body heat. We have a king sized bed and we keep to our own edges, and the dog sleeps between us, usually pressed up against me and growling loudly whenever I stir.

Most attempts I make to take my wife out for a date are shot down.

Maybe once a season, I get to hang out with some friends.

As with many other men who have found that marriage itself has been and overall detriment to them, I do find much joy in my children. As difficult as they can be, I enjoy their excitement to see me, playing with them, teaching them, and giving them hugs and kisses, and watching them grow. I feel horrible that they have a mother who can't or won't fully mother them (to the point my daughter tries to take on a motherly role quite often), a mother they worry about, and a mother who may have passed along some negative traits I was unaware of that might manifest as the kids age. On the other hand, they wouldn't have existed if I wasn't married to their mother.

I realize my life is better than the lives of billions of other people in the world. It just isn't something I would have chosen if I had known a few more facts. Hopefully, my wife's condition will not significantly deteriorate from where it is now. Hopefully, I won't come down with heart disease. Hopefully, none of us will get maimed or killed in an accident. Hopefully, these will be all be true long enough for my kids will grow into well-adjusted, independent adults.

Then, the next thing to which I look forward to is retirement. Maybe I'll get to that before I die.

Self Improvement Met With Hostility

Here's an update on my fabulous life as a married man.

These days, when things are "good", it is only relatively so. "Good" means my wife is not being actively and openly hostile towards me. "Good" means my wife has thrown something into a pot to make a delicious dinner, and has actually done some laundry. It might even mean a few minutes of mercy sex! (Three week gaps seem to be the norm now.)

But then, out of the blue, things will turn bad.

This latest time was supposedly because...

For years now, my wife has been trying to drug me. This has continued even though with therapy and a new attitude and expectations, my behavior has generally and considerably improved. It has been a long, long time since, in a fit of extreme frustration, I have shouted loudly at my wife or the kids. I'm not perfect, of course. There are still times I am grumpy or sigh or get sarcastic, but I'm better and continue to get better. Still, I had to use a bargaining chip with my wife to keep the family together and told her I'd ask my therapist for an M.D. who could give me a medication. I did. We went to visit him. He realized I wasn't going to feel free to talk with my wife in the room, so he sent her out. He didn't give me much time. He prescribed a med. So, he wasn't telling me I should take that med, but he was making it possible for me to take it.

My wife picked it up from the pharmacy as fast as she could.

I read what the med mainly treats. I don't have those symptoms. I read what the side effects were. I don't want those. So, I pocketed the med and didn't take a single dose, but rather continued to "improve" my behavior. (I'm not really sure 'no longer caring' is an improvement for a married father, but that is the approach I took.)

My wife was pleased with me. She told me she noticed my improved behavior, and I let her believe I was taking the med.

Of course the refill time came around, and she asked if I was going to get a refill. I told her I would handle it.

A few more weeks down the line, now, she wanted clear, committal answers from me about whether or not I was refilling the med and taking it. I wasn't smart or fast enough to handle the situation better. She questioned my masculinity. I finally told her I'd never taken a single dose.

THAT is what started the last bad period. She was, and is, furious. Except when she's asleep, she has constantly been hostile towards me and verbally attacking me. I've tried to engage as little as possible. I've asked her what was more important, that I improve my behavior or that I be drugged? She knows she loses that one, so she's switched it to repeating over and over again that I lied to/deliberately deceived her, and has started to say I haven't gotten any better (unfortunately for her, I've kept all of her messages where she was praising my improved behavior). She has told  me she can't trust me about anything about this, she has been insisting I answer direct yes-or-no questions about all sorts of things including whether or not I've ever had a physical or emotional affair during the time we've been together (absolutely not). She says she can't trust that I'm actually going to therapy, that she can't trust that I don't have STDs, that she can't trust I actually got a vasectomy... on and on it goes. She's declared our marriage will be sexless. I managed not to retort with sarcasm asking how that would actually be much of a change.

Reasoning with her is ineffective.

I really hate spending my time reading her angry, immature, delusional, belittling messages and having to respond to some of them. Too much of my life is being wasted doing that.

I've said we should resume going to family therapy. She was sour on that idea. Hey, I'd rather not go, either, but that's like saying I don't want to go to the ER. I'd rather not have been in an accident in the first place. She recently went and saw a therapist herself a grand total of one time, probably just so we could  tell a social worker she was getting help after Strike Two.

I've pointed out to her that she recently told me she was going to start taking her meds as prescribed, rather than sporadically, and I'd assumed before that she already had been. So where does she get off being so upset that my behavior has improved without a med?

I'll tell you how.

And How Was YOUR Thanksgiving?

You may or may not recall this blog entry from a little over a month ago.

To make a long story short, I later found out she didn't much recall that weekend. After fighting with me and insisting I get therapy "or else," a little pill-popping fixed her right up. Or rather, it seemed to.

That terrible time was a giant red flag that should have brought life to a halt so that everything could get sorted out.

I don't have the energy to go into a long tale right now, but over the long holiday weekend, my wife tried to kill herself - or at least was desperately trying to get some attention/help. Based on some of her other actions during the crisis, I can't quite buy the "it was just for attention" thing, and yet if she had wanted to kill herself earlier in the week, she could have without being stopped.

I managed to drive her to the hospital myself and get her committed. At first, she blew up my phone with angry text after angry text about what a horrible, hateful person I am and what a terrible wife and mother's she's been, and how our marriage is over and how I picked the wrong woman to marry. Every 50th text or so would be something like "Can't you see I need you most at a time like this?" Mind you, this was both while I was in the room and when I was home gathering some of her stuff. But when I'd try to hug her or hold her hand, she'd push me away.

After a day of being there, she was getting better, and the next day she was like the woman I fell in love with and married. Or maybe she just knew that all she had to do was refrain from doing anything in front of the staff and then they'd have to let her out.

Where does this story wind up? Well, that will have to come later. As will something my in-laws told me that they really should have told me a lot earlier. Like, before I married into their family and made babies. But one thing's for sure... it was a Thanksgiving holiday I'll never forget.

Dealing With a Bratty Wife

Anyone have any advice of how to deal with a bratty (or bitchy, or whatever you want to call it) wife? It isn't so much that she's being a brat to me (she is, somewhat). It is that she's been bratty towards others, needlessly antagonizing them when they don't do what she wants, when she wants, how she wants. Example... she wanted her brother to babysit. He declined. She started ripping into him about what a loser she thinks he is, point out that she went to college, graduated, got her career going, and doesn't abuse alcohol or pot or illegal drugs (she just loads up on coffee, candy/sugar, and has multiple prescription pills she pops), while he is unemployed, has no college education, and has abused substances... but we still trust him to watch our kids for short amounts of time.

I gently asked if her treatment of her brother was going to make it more or less likely he will want to babysit for us in the future.

I'd like to apologize to her brother and others she's been acting this way towards lately, but I have a strong belief in marital unity and not going behind your spouse's back, and all of that. Besides, she should be the one apologizing, right? Do I encourage her to do so?

My wife has been especially stressed out because of a series of things, but currently it is about an impending surgery. But... dealing with stressful things is part of life and no excuse to antagonize people.

Any tips or suggestions about what to say/do towards her or the people she's antagonized?

Please don't say sex. I can't sleep with her brother. But seriously, sex doesn't relax her or put her in a better mood. It does relax me and put me in a better mood, though. And yes, I do realize I could have avoided dealing with a bratty wife by marrying someone else or not marrying at all. But here we are.

Good Intentions

I have this friend I'll call Charlie who has been a friend since something like the second grade. Actually, it wasn't until sixth grade that we got to be good friends, and after we were graduated from high school we've stayed in contact more through e-mail and social networking than anything else, but every few years we've had dinner or whatever.

Recently, he sent me a message that made me think of this:


My wife had a very good idea the last time we saw Charlie in person. She wanted to set him up with a friend of hers. Charlie and this friend have compatible careers and faith. My wife's friend is attractive and has never been married. (My wife can't figure out why, I point out that my wife has never dated her friend.)

Charlie, however, isn't open to dating. He told me he really thinks he's supposed to be with a certain woman I'll call Chrissy. Many years back, Charlie, who thinks of himself as a good Christian man, "married" Chrissy and moved her and her kids into his place. I wrote "married" because Chrissy was still legally married to the father of her children, supposedly just for benefit purposes.

Wouldn't you know it? After a few years, Chrissy ended up taking her kids and reuniting with their father, who was still her legal husband. Charlie refused to move on. Mind you, Charlie had been legally married before in a marriage that didn't last long because his wife, who was about ten years older than we are, was a control freak who couldn't handle the fact that Charlie threw her a surprise birthday party. That ended that marriage.

But back to the situation with Chrissy

So Chrissy and the kids left because Charlie was tired of divided loyalties, and Chrissy later moved out on her husband again without coming back to Charlie, but that hasn't stopped Charlie from referring to her kids, who have a father, as his kids, travelling to see them, having them come for visits, etc... and for keeping his heart fixated on Chrissy (who is NOT some beautiful prize, mind you).

But wait... it gets better.

One of Chrissy's daughter had a friend I'll call Allison who a bad home life, so Chrissy took her in. When Charlie was returning one of Chrissy's kids to her, he met Allison. Since he treated Chrissy's kids like his own, he agreed to treat Allison like one of his own (he has no biological or adopted kids of his own). Allison has referred to him as dad ever since.

Allison went back to her parents, and Charlie and Allison kept in contact. Charlie went to visit and Allison and her parents. They later sent Allison to visit Charlie. Allison didn't want to go back home, but she did after she and Charlie talked about the possibilities, and Charlie sent a letter to her parents asking if he could take care of Charlie. Her parents sent her back to Charlie.

Charlie wrote to me and told me that he has "assumed custody" of Allison.

I wrote back a blunt reponse, part of which is below:

What do you think the average (not YOU, the average) social worker, police officer, prosecutor, judge, jury member, or TV news viewer would think if they heard that a single heterosexual man... “assumed custody” of an unrelated, troubled 16-year-old girl whose family lives halfway across the country?

And...

What does “assumed custody” mean? Is there a legal contract? Official sanction from state/local governments? Approval from a licensed social worker?

There's a reason people legally marry and build a nest before raising children or foster parenting. As you noted, it is hard being a single parent. (It is hard enough being a married parent.) You can’t provide Allison with enough supervision, especially given her background, and she’s at high risk to end up pregnant within the next couple of years.

Charlie has not responded, and it has been a while. The age of consent in our state is 18, by the way. I'm pretty sure Charlie was a virgin until well after high school, and he may just not have a grasp on the reality of the situation.

I do not believe his intentions are for ill, but as the saying goes, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. I would not be the least surprised if Allison has or develops a crush on Charlie, or if her parents were to screw him over. Charlie wants to stay connected to Chrissy and play the hero, and that is what he's doing here. For whatever reason, he doesn't want healthy, available women. He wants projects. The problem is, this a very risky situation and I can't think of any professional advice-giver saying this is a good idea. Dr. Laura would name which chapters in her book Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives Charlie is doing. He has given no idication that his parents or sister, or anyone else, has told him this is a bad idea.

I pray this doesn't end up a train wreck.

Opening a Can of Worms?

Things have been good since the trip. My wife even said something that, in the past, would have gotten me riled up and perhaps yelling in response, but I handled it well.

But after that, she told me that she's going to have a marriage therapy appointment, and wants me to go. She told me this too late to cancel, so even if I could convince her it would be a waste, we'd still be out the money. Her sister (the one who I got into the fight with) and brother-in-law are going to babysit. We'd be better off using the time to go on a date.

I had made it clear to the party matching us, and I know my wife knew this before we dated, that I wanted someone who was healthy, not someone who was always treating an illness, real or imagined. When I met my wife, she was working full time, on her feet, with kids. On our first date, we talked about career and having a parent at home. I was open to being the one staying home. She said she wanted to be the one to stay home. She always wanted to be a hands-on Mom. She grew up with younger siblings. I took all of this to mean that she would be able to handle being the parent at home, and I was willing to be the sole income earner in exchange for having someone taking care of the kids.

But it hasn't worked out that way.

I can't bring this up in counseling, because she would take it as a personal attack on her due to her disability (again, I could not have known before we had kids how it was going to impact her ability to care for them). There would be no going back from that. And what would be the point? I'd never leave now. I made vows, we have the kids. She'd be badly hurt emotionally, and I'd rather not have to deal with that, in addition to not wanting to hurt her. She can't change. Well, she could change her thinking, if not her body, but she won't.

So I won't be able to be fully open and honest in counseling, at least not in front of her. So it is going to be waste.

And will she like the results? She's said repeatedly she loves her life and it is the way she's always wanted. Well, it is going to have to change a lot for me to get the things I'll need in order for me to get my yelling under further control.

This could get really, really bad.

More time and money spent that we don't have free to spend. That means more stress on me, even if the counseling itself is neutral. And what if it isn't? What if it does more harm than good?

A Reminder: Don't Donate Sperm

For various reasons, I say men should not donate sperm. In no particular order, here are some reasons why:

1. If someone wants to raise a child, they can adopt. If someone wants the experience of pregnancy, they can adopt a very young child ("extra" frozen embryo).

2. If donating to someone you know, you’re going to feel some sort of "ownership" of that child, which will cause parenting conflicts.

3. Human life should not be treated like a commodity.

4. You should have more influence over and responsibility for someone created with your generic material. You know what it is like to grow up with your genes already.

5. If you bump into your offspring or your offspring bump into each other many years down the line, there is no small chance there will be an intense physical attraction of the sexual sort. Pregnancies can result long before the biological relation is known.

6. Your sperm may be used to make human beings for the purpose of killing them.

7. In man cases, donated sperm is used to condemn a child to a fatherless life, either to be raise by a woman who doesn't have enough time or social skills to do it the natural way, or two women (or perhaps four or more, should the original two split up) – none of these people recognizing the importance of fathers, and perhaps men in general.

8. You may end up on the hook for child support. Yes, it has happened.

9. Resulting children could show up later to wreak havoc in your life.

There's more corroboration of points 5, 8, and 9 in this recent article.

Donor anonymity is given to encourage men to make donations, says Arthur Caplan, director of the Center for Bioethics at the University of Pennsylvania in Philadelphia. Sperm banks fear potential donors will get cold feet if they think they may be held financially or legally responsible for the children they help produce, he says. But donors need to understand that "anonymity cannot be enforced," Caplan adds. "When children, for emotional or health reasons, want to find their 'biological' parents, records are unsealed and they do." Kids trump parents, Caplan concludes, and their need to know is more important: "Courts will go this way, as they do in adoption."

Guys, don't do it. Just say no.

My sister-in-law has donated scores of eggs in multiple sessions. She's done doing that due to newly found moral reasons (thankfully). But what complications will she have down the line as a result? Will she, her future children, or my own kids bump into her kids? How many embryos (human beings) were created only to be destroyed or later selectively aborted (murdered)?

Desperate

Ever drive the wrong way, but keep driving because you've already invested to much time into that road? "NOT DESPERATE IN LOUISIANA" wrote in to Dear Abby and displayed her desperation:

I am in my late 30s and have been dating "Rick" for six years.

Six years? What, you just like a monotonous unmarried sex life?

The problem is his daughter, "Janet." We used to get along, but now she hates me. She calls me awful names and says she wishes I would go away.

Is Janet a minor?

I recently asked Rick to marry me.

You proposed to him? If he didn't propose to you, he doesn't want to marry you. Or he's way too passive.

Now Janet says I am "desperate" and she refuses to talk to either of us.

You are desperate. Tick tock.

I don't know what to say to her.

Nothing. And don't complain about her to Rick.

I'm appalled at her attitude toward me, the language she uses and the things she's saying about me to her friends on the Internet. She won't listen to her dad. Her mother is encouraging her behavior and has been threatening me.

You really want to marry into this situation? That's desperation. If Rick would choose you over his minor daughter, then he's not worth marrying in the first place.

Dear Abby says nothing to hint that perhaps marrying Rick is not the best idea.

I know you've invested a lot of time and the music is about to stop and you want to be sitting in a chair, but there are guys out there without daughters to raise who threaten you, and without bitchy ex-wives. But even if you're single the rest of your life, it will be better than marrying into this situation.

The Past is Still Present

I was an adult for 13 years before I proposed to my wife, but mentioning anything that happened in most of that time frame is a potential minefield, because if it can be in any way connected to a girlfriend or fling (like a trip I took somewhere), my wife may shut down, making it very clear she is angry with me, or remind me how stupid I was to not stay a virgin like she did.

Virginity is big deal to her, even more than I realized before we married. She was adamant that it wasn't a problem that I wasn't a virgin, but she was in denial. She knew she wanted to be a virgin bride as long as she could remember - before she had her spiritual awakening - largely because she knew her mother had been one when she married. On the other side of the coin is her father's infidelity of many years ago. Mix these things together and push it together with my days of being a very bad boy, and you get a corrosive brew.

Although I would never say it to her, I have reason to be glad I had those experiences. Again, I'm not going to say that sex with someone other than a spouse is morally acceptable. But if I hadn't had those experiences, I would be quite bitter about the current lack of frequency, or some of the limitations my wife places on our lovemaking. Because I did have those experiences, the thought that "I'll never know what that is like unless I can pester her into changing her mind" is not there. I would be upset that I had waited all of those years, only to find out that I was going to miss out even though I married. That's not godly thinking, to be sure, but it is an honest confession about my feelings. It probably isn't godly to tell someone that things are okay and then continue to hold that sin over their heads, either.

This all came up again because we're going to a wedding this weekend. The bride has been a friend for almost a decade, and we've been looking forward to her wedding. I used to work with this friend. Someone who will be at this wedding is someone else I used to work with; a woman with whom I had a short fling. The fling was stupid on my part on many levels, including that we worked together, though in that aspect I had a written communication from her indicating that she had been the aggressor and that I had been well behaved.

There was one positive aspect to the relationship. I've noticed that about all of my relationships – that there was something positive that resulted even though the overall situation was wrong.

It was a very casual thing – so casual I didn't care when she dumped me. The fling was her way helping her to move on from a long-term dead-end relationship. She's now married, and I don't have feelings for her as I barely had them to begin with.

My wife has known all along that this woman, with whom she has never communicated, is going to be at the wedding. But yesterday, something reminded her about this reality. And the frost descended into the room. I could tell she was angry. My wife told me that I could go to the wedding by myself. It's not going to be a small wedding. We don't have to interact with this woman and her husband.

There were three things I thought about after that. 1) Is she going to be like this all week? What about after the wedding? 2) Everyone "in the know" would know exactly why my wife didn't show. They wouldn't know all of the details or the full extent, but based on past events they'd know it was because she was there. 3) I once had brunch at an exclusive restaurant with a girlfriend and some people who had invited us to the brunch. That's not unusual, but the people who invited us were my ex-fiancée, her husband, and his parents. My girlfriend was fully aware that I had had sex with my ex-fiancée. I'm sure the husband was aware of that fact, too. And yet there we were, enjoying brunch as a group, everyone having a nice time.

From an objective standpoint, my wife is much more attractive than this woman. That would be true even if the woman hadn't packed on the pounds after getting married. If we were invited to a wedding for one of my wife’s friends and an ex-boyfriend of hers was going to be there (and she crossed the line with at a couple guys, but didn’t have intercourse), and I knew I was much more attractive than him, I would show up standing tall and with a huge smile on my face and my wife on my arm. It is sad that my wife is fixating on my sin from many years ago and that it would diminish her enthusiasm for our friend's wedding to the point where she would consider not going.

What are your thoughts? Have you been through something like this? Is it therapy time?

Your Wedding Date is Not Your Birth Date

Are you "not allowed" to talk about your past? REMARRIED TEXAN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My wife, "Jan," is having problems related to my late wife, "Ellen."

How can a dead woman continue to bother your wife?

Ellen and I were married 31 years. We built a business together and raised three
sons. Obviously, I have a lifetime of memories associated with her. I admit that
I still grieve, but I have tried to move on.

You're always going to think about her. It is common for widows and widowers to wake up in the middle of the night and not remember that their (former) spouse is deceased.

I am forbidden to mention Ellen's name around Jan.

This kind of thing really ticks me off, and I agree with what Dr. Laura says when she takes calls like the wife in this case might make. This man remarried. He picked a new wife. The other woman is dead. Why the insecurity? Now, if he keeps saying things like, "I liked Ellen's way better" or something like that, then he needs to learn to edit himself. But over three decades, a business, and three sons together – sorry, his late wife is a part of his past that can't be erased. He wouldn’t have been the same man that Jan married if there hadn't been Ellen. Jan needs to think about that.

Jan now says she has no "place" in this house, although we moved most of her furniture in and sold mine.

Yeah, some women just can’t stand that man actually inhabited that space with another woman, especially if he did so happily. Furniture is one of the main targets.

When guys do something like this, it tends to be more along the lines of asking her more than she has volunteered about her past relationships, because of a feeling that knowing more about that past somehow gives him so more power over it. He also wants to make sure she's not holding back some perk that a past boyfriend got, or nor retreading territory. Guys like that should relax and enjoy that she is with him.

Abby, Jan won't let me have a photo of Ellen, even in a drawer. I had to buy hera second piano because she refused to play the one that Ellen had played on, nor will she consider a certain make of car to replace hers because Ellen drove one.

Wow, either this guy ignored the red flags, or Jan bit her lip, thinking he'd "forget" about Ellen once remarried. That is something people need to make clear. "It's okay that things are this way now, because we're not married. But my expectation is that this will change should we marry. What do you think?"

She says she feels like "the other woman" in our marriage.

Tell her she's free to go. I understand that in Texas, the penalty isn't so bad.

Dear Abby agrees that Jan is insecure and suggests marriage counseling.

It is all too common for a girlfriend to make it clear a guy should never mention anything that has any connection to a former girlfriend, lest she get upset or pouty. For example, he can't talk about a vacation he took to a place he'd never been before because he went there with his past girlfriend. This kind of walking on eggshells is awful. I know, because I've experienced it. But those were girlfriends, where the relationship would last 2-3 years. This guy is being asked to shut up about 31+ years of his life by someone who is supposed to be with him the rest of his life. No thanks.

Do you have a story about changes demanded by a new honey because of connections to an ex?

On the positive side, I have a picture of me and a past girlfriend (A) eating at a very nice restaurant... with a previous girlfriend (B), her husband, and his parents! And my wife and I have stayed overnight in the home of girlfriend B and her husband. On the downside, my wife has always been wary of any contact I have with girlfriend A. Contact has been reduced to virtually nothing over the last few years. That's to be expected, though, as she has gotten married and I'm married and busy with kids and all.

Do Not Touch

Some guys have sworn off looking for wife. I say, don't give up hope! Here is a good word from a woman who is newly back on the market - something she recently wrote on a social networking site:

I want to apologize to all my friends for my temporary insanity. I tried to go off my medicine that controls my anxiety, ocd, anger, and depression. I guess I didn't realize I was such a bitch!!!!

If that isn't enough, then perhaps you'll like being a pseudo-father to her kids. They have different fathers - maybe you can persuade her to add a new kid that has your DNA?

In all seriousness, at least she did apologize. Still wouldn't want to live like that.

Yeah, ladies, I know there are plenty of bad male specimens, too. Feel free to share what you've seen and experienced. I often thank God that my wife is not typical.

A Reminder of Why Caution is Needed

Here’s a reminder of one reason why people should be extremely cautious about relationships, especially marriage. AP medical writer Lindsey Tanner reports that one in five young adults has a personality disorder. (To steal a joke from a comic, if four of your friends are normal, then it is you.)

Almost one in five young American adults has a personality disorder that interferes with everyday life, and even more abuse alcohol or drugs, researchers reported Monday in the most extensive study of its kind.

The disorders include problems such as obsessive or compulsive tendencies and anti-social behavior that can sometimes lead to violence. The study also found that fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment.

And even if they do get treatment, it doesn’t mean they’ll stick with treatment or that it will be effective, or without significant negative side effects.

One expert said personality disorders may be overdiagnosed.

Certainly a possibility, but then if their brain was subjected to unnecessary psychotropic drugs while it was developing, then that is a problem in and of itself.

But others said the results were not surprising since previous, less rigorous evidence has suggested mental problems are common on college campuses and elsewhere.

And that’s just the staff! Heh.

Counting substance abuse, the study found that nearly half of young people surveyed have some sort of psychiatric condition, including students and non-students.

Personality disorders were the second most common problem behind drug or alcohol abuse as a single category. The disorders include obsessive, anti-social and paranoid behaviors that are not mere quirks but actually interfere with ordinary functioning.

Happy dating, everyone!

I notice that the article did not report a gender discrepancy or parity. I wonder.

I know I'm risking the ire of many commenters and fellow bloggers - because these people get difficult when you suggest that they may... get difficult - but unless you want a lot of unnecessary drama and difficulty in your life, I would suggest never committing to anyone until you've been around them enough and in a variety of situations to be sure they don't have a problem like this that is a negative factor in their life, or it will be a problem in your life, too. This is one reason why I now suggest that before marrying, couples visit their doctors with each other, including any mental health professionals, and discuss past and existing problems openly. Please consider that a lot of these problems may be passed down to offspring. If you really think that these people are entitled to a relationship, ease your conscience by realizing that there are other people in the world who can provide them with one. There's no reason you should feel obligated to share your body, your heart, your bed, your home, your money, or your credit with someone with a personality disorder.