To New College Students and Those Newly On-Campus

Your whole life might have been leading up to this point, especially if you're attending college straight from high school.

This is for people starting college or new to attending class on-campus or new to living in a dorm. If you're going back to school as an "older" student this might not be as helpful.

While plans change, if you don't have any idea what you want to do, you shouldn't be going to college unless you have a full ride or it's an inexpensive community college.You don't want to waste money or time. It doesn't have to be this precise: "I want to be a registered investment advisor at John Doe Investments." It can be, but it doesn't have to be. But it should be specific enough that you know which school or department you want to be in. Lab sciences. Business. History. Graphic arts. Mathematics. You get the idea.

Here are seven things to remember.

1. Getting a Degree - Remember why you’re there. You’re there to get a degree. Consider classes that are in the evening, on weekends, on Monday morning or first thing any day, and late Friday. Evening and weekend classes are especially likely to have other students who are experienced and are serious about their studies. Figure out what the instructor REALLY wants from students. Make office visits (or one-on-one calls or meetings, if remote) and communicate with the instructor as needed, but don’t make their life difficult. They are usually happy to help a student who shows enthusiasm for their areas of expertise.

Unless you're going just to get your parents off your back, you probably have a goal in attending. Don't lose sight of that goal. But... be flexible. Relatively few people graduate with a degree in the major they originally thought they would and end up landing a lifelong job in the career they were intending when they first went off to college. People change majors, people change their minds, life happens, things change. Some people drop out.

Unfortunately, there are a lot of jobs that require a college degree even if it isn't truly necessary to do the job. If you want one of those jobs, you need to get the degree.

You're there to get a degree that will open more doors in employment. Having a degree has upsides and virtually no downsides (once you get past the cost in money and time).

DO NOT let an entry-level or service job hurt your studies. Don’t fall into the trap of working more hours because you need the cash to the detriment of your progress. This is not the same thing as having a great opportunity in business. 

If, early on, you realize you want to change majors, don't hesitate to do so. Do it ASAP. If you get to the point you're close to graduation and you realize, "I don't want to be a History teacher after all," go ahead and complete your degree. Having a degree, and maybe having one in History, can still help you.

Dropping out of college, which means not getting a degree, isn't always a bad thing. One reason why is that you've done the next thing so successfully that getting a degree becomes superfluous.

2. Networking - I considered making this first. That’s how important it is. The proximity principle comes to mind. This is one reason evening instructors can be preferable: many of them have day jobs.

As much as you’re there to get a degree, you’re there to network with people who will help you reach your life goals.

Networking with other students as well as professors and other staff and guests/visitors is important. Treating college as nothing more than a classroom is usually a mistake in that it misses opportunities.

Take advantage of the fact that you’re surrounded, or at least connected, to so many other people who share some of the same interests, talents, and goals as you, and will have the same alma mater as you the rest of your lives.

Connect with good people, people who are going to be doing the kinds of things you want to do.

Unfortunately, I have nothing to say about fraternities other than do your research. I simply don’t know enough about them, but I tend to prefer more freedom. 

3. Knowledge, talent, skills, practices, habits - This is often not the same thing as getting a degree. Learn useful things. Developing good systems that work for you will benefit you for the rest of your life. This is even more about how what you do outside of the classroom.

Some instructors not only know more than you on the subject, but more than they will teach. Most professors love to talk, love to share what they’ve learned beyond what they have time to do in a classroom. If they’ve written the textbooks, ask them questions you think of as you go through it. But again, don’t be someone they hate to see dropping by or contacting them. 

4. Friendships - This often not the same thing as networking. Who is a good person? Who is a good friend? College can be one of the best places to make new friends. Friends can help you with everything else on this list. Don’t get dragged down by someone who is perpetually dysfunctional or needy.

 

5. Dating - Never let women interfere with making the most of college. You shouldn’t have “a” girlfriend, certainly not one “back home.” Don’t let a woman determine what you’re doing in college. For example, don’t take a class because a woman is.

You’ll never again be surrounded by so many young, hot, available women looking to explore and have fun.

Running game is great, but there is the risk these days of false allegations getting you kicked out of the university or harassed.

Especially if you’re young, you might want to find the local cougar hangouts. There are always older women looking for young college men, and being with them avoids the potential problems of being with campus women. 

6. Avoid Brainwashing - It often starts with orientation or even before, and can involve administration, faculty, campus groups, etc. Think critically and question in your mind what’s being told to you. There’s so much crap being taught and imposed in academia and so much intolerance. You might have to pretend to go along with groupthink, at least some of the time. Pick your battles and play the game.  If politics or ministry is how you intend to make your living you might want to make a point of speaking up and questioning the crap, but otherwise you might be better off just observing and taking notes. Christians, you don't need to get into spoken or written battles over every perceived dig at your faith; don't cast pearls before swine.

Remember that expertise is not wisdom, and regularly read, watch, or listen to content that dissents from the groupthink.

7. Smell the Roses - While it may seem like you’re facing an eternity of studies ahead of you, in many ways it’s going to be over quickly. Take a little time here and there to enjoy what the campus and surrounding area have to offer outside of the classroom. But… don’t fart around. Don’t lose focus on getting the degree, networking, and learning. 

Have anything to add? Share it in the comments.

Is College Part of a Racket?

Yes, college is part of a racket, in most cases.

But sometimes, people have to go along with a racket.

I have a Bachelors degree.

Charlie Kirk didn’t, and he was way more successful in his short life than I have been in my longer life.

But… Charlie Kirk was a rare man. Very few people are going to be able to make a living speaking and debating at colleges, doing a podcast/national radio show, leading organizations like Turning Point USA, and whatever else Kirk did. Few people have what it takes, and there’s only a few spots that exist for someone like that.

Employers demand degrees for many of their higher paying positions. For some, it’s legitimate. For others, it’s a lazy screening technique. But it’s a fact of life.

If you have a way you can make a legit, good living without getting a college degree, especially if you’ve already made a good living and didn’t get a degree (comment to tell us about it), good for you. That’s great.

But we shouldn’t pretend most people, especially most men, will thrive without a degree.

Yes, colleges are often Leftist, especially misandrist, indoctrination centers. Yes there’s a lot of waste and inflated costs. But as long as employers have degrees as a requirement for being hired or promoted, it’s a racket that must be endured.

I highly recommend anyone going to college but without a scholarship that covers all or most of it spend as little as they can by using their community college and state college systems. Yes, the “elite” schools enable lucrative networking. There are other ways of networking, though.

If you’re no longer in your late teens or early 20s, don’t let that discourage you from going “back to school.” If your goal requires a degree, go for it.

On the other hand, if you can thrive without college, and if you’re good at learning things other ways, don’t think you must go to college because you were “supposed to” or your parents always wanted you to.

It’s your life.

Know Thyself

Anyone can benefit from doing this, but this is especially for anyone who is one or more of the following:

• Young
• Considering further education or declaring a major
• Looking for a job or to change jobs
• Looking or a new place to live
• Getting out of a marriage or relationship or considering it
• Feeling like you're in a rut or making no progress in your life 
• Facing or considering retirement
  

Believe it or not, your time is limited. To figure out what you should be doing, you really need to understand yourself well. Know thyself.

You're going to need some peace and quiet to do this. No distractions. You'll need time to think, to ponder, to reflect. You'll need to be alone. No spouse, no girlfriend, no friends - alone. No movies, no television, no social media, no books, etc. You want to be alone with your thoughts.

You might need to get a hotel room or motel room. You can only do this at home if you're really, really disciplined in being able to ignore and avoid distractions, and nobody will reach you.

Jumping to Conclusions

Man kills self, woman most affected. (Consider that a trigger warning.)

I posted about this on Twitter but I wanted to write more about it here.

Emptying the Nest

Many commentators I admire are aghast that so many parents allow their adult children to continue to live with them or allow them to move back in with them (such as after college). This is seen as part of what is making them "snowflakes".

The idea is that since children become legal adults at age 18, they should be out on their own at that age (and if they are done with high school or should be), and it is only allowable for them to continue to live at home, if it is at all, if they are going to college full time and, perhaps, also working part time. Dr. Laura also makes it clear they have to be following house rules, especially when it comes to not fornicating or allowing a boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over. The adult children are to be kicked out and all material/financial support ceased if it is known that such a rule has been violated. (If the parents do have such a rule Dr. Laura will tell them they should.)

Some parents hear this and are surprised, because they think it would be good for their adult children to live at home to build up financial stability rather than having to share a dump with roommates and struggle.

Dr. Laura sees virtue in that struggle, and she cites her own experiences at that age.

There's a potential problem citing the past, however.

Self-Inflicted Wounds Can Be the Most Painful

On our very first date, the woman who later became my wife asked me for my thoughts on how children should be raised. I told her that strangers would not be raising my children.

If that sounds like strange first date banter, that's because our fist date happened a few months after I was introduced to her and after we'd since communicated some important things about ourselves to each other, including that we were looking for an eventual spouse.

After I told her that strangers would be raising my children, I told her I was flexible about how that would be accomplished. I was open to being the one to stay with the kids, for example. She quickly said she'd be the one to stay with the kids. As it turns out, her three main goals in life were to work in the profession she did, to marry, and to be a mother, and by be a mother she wanted to mother, not hire other people to babysit/raise her kids five days a week.

The other day there was a call to Dr. Laura from a woman who wanted to put her four year-old into a weekday program at their church that took preschoolers several hours a day three days per week. Dr. Laura quickly identified it as daycare, insisted that children do not like such programs, and pointed out that nobody cares about a child as much as that child's mother.

I agree, at least with the last phrase. However, I do think some children may actually prefer these programs over being with mom if being with mom means being stuck at home, without friends at that.

The problem is, when Dr. Laura is making these comments, she's thinking of only one child being involved (she only had one) and she's envisioning a mother taking their one child on bicycle rides and walks, to the park, etc. That also what I thought I was getting - a wife who'd be that kind of mother to our children. After all, she had a full-time job working with children and knew about child development and the needs of children, and she wanted to be a stay-with-kids mother.


Our daughter is in grade school. My wife is homeschooling her. We also have a son. My wife wants to stick our son into pretty much the same program the caller described, only for two days a week instead of three. She says it is just too difficult to teach our daughter when our son delights in interfering, especially when it is to torment his sister (at which he excels). And she says it is just for this school year, since he'll have his own schoolwork to do next year.

I can hear Dr. Laura's first solution in my head: do the schoolwork at a park where the boy can play nearby.

But my wife doesn't feel she can do that safely - not with two children.

Then how about letting grandma take the boy twice a week?

My wife's mother is a drunk and forbidden by my wife (with my full support) to look after our children. My own mother lives an hour away and has other responsibilities.

Why not move closer to my mother?

This is the house my wife wanted.

Why not move closer to her now?

Our excellent credit has been tarnished due to decisions by my wife. We're not moving anywhere.

Why not stick the daughter in school?

Public schools suck in our neighborhood and our state has turned public schools into madhouses in general.

Why not stick the daughter in private school?

I don't have the money. In part because of all the money I pay to fund the unusable public schools.

Why not become a stay-with-kids dad and have the wife go to work?

She is done working. She's not going to go back full-time, and we can't disrupt my work situation because we need the insurance due to my wife's medical situations.


Why did you pick her to be the mother of your children if she is incapable?

She seemed capable. She had no children yet, so how could I be sure? There's much she and her family did not reveal to me until after we were married and had children.

Why did you have two children instead of one?

My wife insisted that she didn't want our daughter being an only child, and I had no idea that having two children instead of one would be such a problem for her.

Tell her to bite the bullet and be a mother to her son.

Well, yeah, except she has the trump card.

I expressed my opinion, even though it resulted in exactly what I figured it would - she's feeling hurt and upset, and nothing's going to change for the better. Everyone in my family has always urged us to stick the kids into "pre-school". It is clear they think she's a crappy mother, or at least unable to be a good mother. Yet my sisters also urge me to discuss my concerns with my wife - whether with this or anything else. But it is pointless. The only thing it changes is that it diminishes her happiness/satisfaction, and I take no pleasure in that. Why make both of us less happy?

As unromantic or selfish or otherwise wrong that it seems or may be, I married because I wanted (one of us) to raise my own children in the best circumstances and because I like sex and I wanted an enthusiastic lovemaking partner who would enjoy how I loved her and would enjoy loving me, and I wanted to live by what I'm convinced is the the truth: sex is for marriage. How many Christian men are in the same boat? Don't give me "You're supposed to marry someone because you can't live without them." Please. Most marriages in the Bible and in history were not about that. And clearly, considering how well I was doing and how long I had lived on my own, I could live just fine without any woman as my wife.

Both of those reasons I married are dead. The kids will grow up, and if they turn out badly, they'll be society's problem, not mine. I don't count on the situation with the sex getting any better. Ever. It's not important to her, and what I want isn't as important to her as her own preferences, and again, talking about it will not change that, it will only make her feel bad.

Here's where things get a little more adult. You are warned.

Knocking Up Teacher

Melissa Pamer and Tony Shin at NBC’s Los Angeles O & O has this story which has been all over the news around here:

A Redlands high school teacher accused of having a baby allegedly fathered by a teen student pleaded not guilty Tuesday to 41 counts of sex and oral copulation with a minor.

Laura Elizabeth Whitehurst, 28, was arrested July 1 after the mother of a Citrus Valley High student contacted school officials about the suspected relationship between her son and the English teacher.

She was charged Monday with crimes alleged to have involved the boy -- who was 16 when the relationship began, according to police -- and two other teen students who are now adults.

Later:

Authorities said Whitehurst had given birth June 18 to a baby fathered by the student with whom she had had a nearly year-long affair. The boy attended the baby’s birth, according to court documents.

Later:

Then, at least two other men came forward and said they had had sexual relations with Whitehurst in 2007 and 2008.

One of the alleged victims spoke to NBC4 Southern California, saying he never felt victimized but wanted to share his story so that others might come forward to tell police about their experiences with Whitehurst.

Finally:

Whitehurst is charged with 30 counts of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, and 11 counts of oral copulation of a person under 18.

If convicted as charged, Whitehurst could face up to 29 years in state prison, the District's Attorney's Office said.

So there's yet another criminal case that's hit the news lately about a young female teacher "having sex" with multiple minor male students. Unless the teacher is decidedly unattractive (this latest one isn't), one of the common responses to this is along the lines of:

Gazing at the Horizon

There's not really much I look forward to these days.

For as long as I can remember back into my childhood, I was not one of those kids who wanted to be older. I didn't mind being the age I was. I didn't mind not being able to drive, or buy booze, or whatever. In fact, I didn't run out and get my license as soon as I could, like so many other teens did. I knew that time was a one-way arrow, and that I was never going to be whatever age I was again.

Even so, there were events, milestones and goals to which I had to anticipate, plan, prepare, or strive:

• Every year, there was Halloween and Christmas, which were always fun for me. Birthday... eh... I think my parents gave each of us one big party during our childhoods, and the rest of the years it wasn't a big event. 
• Get through the school year so you can enjoy Summer Vacation. 
• Going on family trips/vacations
• Sports in which I was participating
• Do well in elementary school to prepare for junior high (we didn't have middle school back in the dark ages). 
• Do well in junior high and high school so you can get into college. Where I lived, the question was never "Are you going to college?" It was "Where are you going to college?" We were also told that unless we get all As and Bs, had all sorts of extracurricular activities, and saved a life, we'd never get into college.
• Get a girlfriend. I didn't really get a serious girlfriend until I was 19. I was painfully shy and mostly pined after girls from afar, not really ever going to parties (not aware of most of them until after they happened) but rather buried in schoolwork, you know, because otherwise I'd never ever get into college and I'd end up living under a bridge.
• As I got older, events related to my hobby, which was tied in to my professional ambitions. Even the job I got while in high school was related to this.
• Get through college so I can get a job. I didn't really look forward to moving out. I had it pretty good at home. In fact, my parents found me an apartment near campus and I moved out to make attending school easier.
• Get an internship in the career of my choice. Did that while still in college. Didn't lead to a job.

Before I knew it, college was over and I was still working in pretty much the same job I had when I was 17. I tried to get hired in my chosen career. Despite my relevant experience, my degree, and my connections, it didn't happen. Considering how the industry is these days, with everyone either being hired as contractors with contracts that never last more than a few years to employees who are constantly let go and bouncing from company to company, it is probably just as well because I wouldn't have done well with the instability.

Needing more income and what would be considered more professional experience, I took one of those jobs considered "professional", but not something/somewhere to which people aspire. Nobody you ask in college would say, "That's what I want to do and where I want to work!"

And I did well enough.

I wanted to get married and have kids. I did that.

I wanted to buy a house. I did that. Well, I'm paying a mortgage on a house anyway.

Now what?

I spent so much of my life trying to get from one point to another, and then I'd finally arrived "there". Oh sure, that ideal professional ambition will probably never be fulfilled, and I'm not actively trying to make it happen. Not only do I need stability but my family sure as heck needs stability.

Our house isn't in the best neighborhood, but we have no plans or aspirations to move. We bought the place with the expectation that we'd die there.

My wife says I gave her the life she's always wanted.

I don't really have time or money for my hobbies.

So, I literally have nothing for which I am looking forward.

Oh, sure, someday I hope to retire, and I'm making investments towards that end, but I'm not expecting that the Mrs. and I will be doing a lot of traveling or anything like that after I retire.

And someday, should the Lord tarry, I will expire, and I look forward to being free of the "old man" and being with Him, whether He returns before I die or not.

My work is not the sort for which there are things to which I look forward. I do my work. I finish this and that. And on it goes. I do it for the compensation, not personal satisfaction or enjoyment.

So I suppose what I have to look forward to would be the milestones for my children.

More immediately, the only thing to which I look forward is lovemaking with my wife. No kidding. And that's rather sad and depressing, because:

• she has zero libido these days
• she now rarely has orgasms (which I've always enjoyed giving)
• it happens less than twice a week
• when it does happen, I feel pressured to hurry up and get it over with because it is just an obligatory chore for her, per the first two points
• there are things I enjoy that are not unusual that she's not willing to do/go along with, and other restrictions that make the lovemaking less appealing to me and more difficult

At this point in my life, all I want besides the basics for my family, is a good sex life with my wife, and it's not going to happen without some radical changes and a whole lot of work.

If I was a pessimist, I'd say she'll probably become one of those horny middle-aged women (like the one who broke me in) just after I'm struck with some health problem that kills me or leaves me impotent.

Sorry that this entry hasn't been more uplifting. How's this? I live in the USA, I have my health, my family, my home, a job, and enjoy attending a church, and can do so with a reasonable assurance I won't be killed or jailed for doing so.

Will the Academy Get Even More Hostile to Men?

Townhall.com can be a great place to find conservative opinion on current issues and breaking news. They feature a wide variety (and thus sometimes they disagree with each other) of columnists who fall under the "conservative" designation (which means they might be in the GOP, or libertarians, or fiscal conservatives, foreign policy conservatives, social conservatives, etc.). The site is part of Salem Communications, which is a media company that has a lot of radio stations and syndicated programs with some of the best talk show hosts.

Today, I wanted to point out a column from a couple weeks back by Michael Barone.

He points out the university used to be place in society where you would find the widest allowance of free expression. But things have changed:

Today, we live in an America with enormous cultural variety in which very few things are considered universally verboten. But on campus it's different. There, saying something considerably milder than some of the double entendres you heard in cable news coverage of the Anthony Weiner scandal can get you into big trouble.

What brought this on?

These reflections are inspired by a seemingly innocuous 19-page letter on April 4 from the Department of Education's Office of Civil Rights to colleges and universities. The letter was given prominence by Greg Lukianoff, president of the Foundation for Individual Rights in Education, which has done yeoman work opposing restrictive speech codes issued by colleges and universities.

OCR's letter carries great weight since there are few things a university president fears more than an OCR investigation, which can lead to losses of federal funds -- which amount to billions in some cases.

In my opinion, the only institutions of higher learning that should be getting federal funding in the first place are ones doing work (such as training) for the military, or some other Constitutionally-stipulated federal government work.

The OCR letter includes a requirement that universities adopt a "preponderance of the evidence" standard of proof for deciding sexual harassment and sexual assault. In other words, in every case of alleged sexual harassment or sexual assault, a disciplinary board must decide on the basis of more likely than not.

That's far short of the requirement in criminal law that charges must be proved beyond a reasonable doubt. And these disciplinary proceedings sometimes face charges that could also be criminal, as in cases of alleged rape.

Uh-oh. This means things are going to get even worse for men - a minority on campus already.

Lukianoff notes that campus definitions of sexual harassment include "humor and jokes about sex in general that make someone feel uncomfortable" (University of California at Berkeley), "unwelcome sexual flirtations and inappropriate putdowns of individual persons or classes of people" (Iowa State University) or "elevator eyes" (Murray State University in Kentucky).

All of which means that just about any student can be hauled before a disciplinary committee. Jokes about sex will almost always make someone uncomfortable, after all, and usually you can't be sure if flirting will be welcome except after the fact. And how do you define "elevator eyes"?

Simple. "Elevator eyes" are when a man looks in the general direction of a woman and she finds him unattractive or dislikes him for any reason, and she wants to complain about him. Isn't that easy?

As Lukianoff points out, OCR had other alternatives. The Supreme Court in a 1999 case defined sexual harassment as conduct "so severe, pervasive, and objectively offensive, and that so undermines and detracts from the victims' educational experience, that the victim-students are effectively denied equal access to an institution's resources and opportunities." In other words, more than a couple of tasteless jokes or a moment of elevator eyes.

Now now, the Supreme Court is only to be listened to when it says something these people like.

Look, fully half my ancestors were women, I have sisters, I have a wife, I have a daughter. I don't want them to have to deal with sexist hate or crude behavior. But this is being ridiculous and downright dangerous. You may be sympathetic to this cause, especially if you are a woman who has been subjected to crude comments, but do you want your brother, your son, your husband, your male friends to be railroaded off campus on the whims of a, perhaps, emotionally or psychologically unstable woman?

For sure, throw violent people off campus and into prison. Remove anyone on staff or in the student body who is proven to persist in actual harassment. But if it is going to be merely "he said vs. she said", her word is going to be given more weight.

Hot For Teacher

WONDERING IN WYOMING, a teacher of ten years, wrote in to Dear Abby:

One student I've kept in touch with recently admitted his romantic love for me.

This is not unusual, thought I tended to look at my teachers as... teachers. I don't recall thinking much about their personal lives at all. I was there to learn from them, they were there to teach me.

"Kyle" is now in his 20s and on his own. As his teacher 10 years ago, I'd never have dreamed of this happening.

You should have been warned about this.

What's difficult is I think I reciprocate those feelings. I never expected the man I connect with most to be a former student, but Kyle is an adult and I know him as such.

She goes on to express her hesitation as well as her openness to this being the love of her life, asking if it would be inappropriate to follow her heart.

Wyoming is generally not the place I think of when I think of attractive women. I'm sure there are some there. But the most attractive young women tend to gravitate to the large metropolitan areas, especially the warmer ones, because there are more men with money, power, and fame to compete for her affections, and more opportunities for her to show off what she has. Think Los Angeles, Dallas, and Miami. Anyway, Kyle has an attraction, but it could be some unrealistic fantasy, especially a teacher-student fantasy, and his infatuation may give way to disillusionment. Or, maybe he's genuinely and deeply drawn to her. Hopefully, it is the latter.

If she's been teaching for ten years, then she's probably at least 32. She doesn't explain what grade she teaches, but Kyle is, at the oldest, 28. A wife being four years older can certainly work. Now, if he's 21, then the long-term prospects aren't so good.

I don't see any moral problem with her dating him. Dear Abby agrees, though warns that she should expect gossip and should be prepared to relocate. Good advice.

I'd bet money (if I was a wagerin’ man) that some male teachers and coaches in WONDERING's area are married to former students.

The girlfriend I had the longest relationship with (before my wife) was starting her teaching career when we first started dating. She had an amazing body. No matter how conservatively she dressed, she couldn't hide her DD breasts, and at least once, jealous female students falsely accused her of flaunting them. The funny thing was, that girlfriend failed to accept that she had a great body. She was teaching middle schoolers the first year, and she asked me if she should make male students work at the chalkboard. It took me a second to get the real meaning of her question, but once I understood, I advised her that it would be best to let the students stay in their seats. At that age, boys are getting erections all of time with little rhyme or reason, but her presence was plenty of reason. Those poor boys didn't stand a chance. Even if they cared more about the caboose. Or legs. She was all good.

So, ladies and gentlemen... did you have a crush on any of your teachers? Or whether as a student or adult, do you have any experience with a situation like this? Would you tell the letter writer not to do it?

Boiling Springs Teachers in Hot Water

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Teen Sex and School

The headline to Alicia Chang’s Associated Press story was "Teen Sex Not Always Bad For School Performance". This is based on reports from teen boys to their parents. Okay, not really – it is being reported by the American Sociological Association. But yeah, I would imagine it isn't bad for school performance if there is no tension, suspense, or coercion; no loss of reputation; no nasty rumors, pictures, or video of the deed circulating; no hearts broken, sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancy.

But how much teen sex really falls into that narrow category?

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex.

Very, very few teens are in relationships that are, in fact, committed. Just because they are only having sex with one person over the course of a few weeks doesn't mean there is a commitment.

The same isn't true for teens who "hook up."

Duh.

Researchers found that those who have casual flings get lower grades and have more school-related problems compared with those who abstain.

What isn't a causal fling when you're sixteen?

Teens in serious relationships may find social and emotional support in their sex partners, reducing their anxiety and stress levels in life and in school.

You can have that without sex.

"This should give some comfort to parents who may be concerned that their teenage son or daughter is dating," said sociologist Peggy Giordano of Bowling Green State University, who had no role in the research. Teen sex is "not going to derail their educational trajectories," she said.

Having a baby might. Or bleeding and infection from an abortion.

Last year, nearly half of high school students reported having sexual intercourse, and 14 percent have had four or more partners, according to a federal survey released this summer.

This means that over half aren't having sexual intercourse. You’d never know that by listening to those who want to sexualize our youth. (Now, sure, a lot of the rest are doing other sexual things, but at least not intercourse.)

Teens in serious relationships did not differ from their abstinent counterparts in terms of their grade-point average, how attached they are to school or college expectations. They were also not more likely to have problems in school, be suspended or absent.

Maybe the kind of teen who tends to be in "serious" relationships were able to attract someone else into that relationship because they already have those qualities.

Compared with virgins, teens who have casual sex had lower GPAs, cared less about school and experienced more problems in school.

Hmmm, I wonder why that wasn't the headline?

Teens who have sex - whether it's a serious or casual relationship - were at higher risk of being truant and dropping out compared with teens who don't have sex.

Well of course. When do you think they're having the sex?

"Having sex outside of a romantic relationship may exacerbate the stress youths experience, contributing to problems in school," Grodsky said.

Huh huh... you said "exacerbate"... huh huh...

The study dispels the notion that all teen sex is bad, said Marie Harvey, professor of public health at Oregon State University.

Of course not all teen sex is bad. Some teens are married.

One Reason Kids Are Acting Out, Not Learning

This letter to Dr. Laura from an 8th grade teacher talks about the difficulties his students face because parents make poor decisions about picking a mate and dating.

I can see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices they know they aren't first in their parent's eyes. This is some of what my students tell me:
•"We're moving to Pennsylvania because my mom's boyfriend got a new job there."

•"My stupid dad's girlfriend moved in with her two kids and they keep getting into my stuff!"
•"I hate going home to my stepdad. My mom works nights"
•"My mom and stepdad are divorcing, so we're probably moving and moving schools."
•"My dad's girlfriend was reading my text messages! She has no right! I hate that she lives with us and she and my dad aren't even married!"

The letter-writer is a divorced father who doesn't date.

Once you are a parent, your right for everything in your life to be about you is gone. You have obligations to your children.

Group Projects in School

In this Dear Abby edition, a girl is concerned about a group project she has in school. I have some bad memories of group projects from junior high and grade school. I didn't want my grade to depend on someone else's effort or competency. I liked contributing ideas, but I wasn't going to be very assertive about it – and thus I'd get overruled by stronger personalities, since at that age it was more about personalities rather than the ideas (and I'm well aware that some workplaces are like that). I didn't mind being part of a relay team in competitive swimming - everyone tried their hardest and it was really clear what each person contributed.

In contract to earlier schooling, I have fond memories of group projects in college.

What made the difference?

Choice.

My guess is that group projects in middle school and grade school are a matter of laziness – the teacher will have fewer projects to evaluate. The justification for them that is given is that people have to work together in the workforce, so this is good training.

But there's a huge difference from those classrooms and the workplace. Most kids do not choose their classmates, do not choose their teacher, do not choose their school, and often don't choose the subject matter. In contrast, we apply to work the jobs we do. Part of what we consider is what kind of work it is and the people with whom we'll be working. If it doesn't work out, it is possible to quit. Plus, we get paid to work. We pay for public schooling whether or not we use it.

College is voluntary, as are a lot of the classes taken in college. I liked the group projects with which I was involved in college, because it was a subject matter I chose, and all of the other people also chose that subject matter. And we were mature. It was hard work, but it was pleasant.

How about you? Do you have horror stories of group projects, either in the workplace or in school?