What Did I Expect?

[This entry was initially published in April 2020. Things haven't changed much. The changes are mostly from the kids getting older and more able to take care of themselves.]

There is a school of thought that says if you don't have expectations, you won't be disappointed.

Well, sure. 

But expectations can be reasonable. I expect that if I smash my thumb with a hammer, it's going to hurt.

I expect that if someone employs me, they're going to compensate me as we agreed if I perform the work as agreed.

I expect that if I slow down and stop at a stop sign in a safe and reasonable, manner, any vehicle behind me will do the same.

We all have expectations, some more reasonable than others.

I make it clear on this blog and Twitter that marrying was the biggest mistake I've ever made. Marrying was voluntary. I married because of certain expectations. Without these expectations, I wouldn't have been motivated to marry.

What did I expect?

Based on things like my own parents, the people I've observed, church, media in general, Dr. Laura and Focus on the Family in particular, and based on what I knew about my now-wife, I expected that when my now-wife said she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom, that meant:

1) I was going to be the breadwinner for the family, working full-time and commuting.

2) My wife was going to be the homemaker, social calendar keeper, and primary nurturer of our children. This would entail her keeping the house from becoming a health code violation; handling most of the cooking/meal prep, laundry, and shopping; keeping us in contact with family (both hers and mine) and friends; engaging with the kids while they're home; and getting the kids to where they need to go for various activities and friend time, unless those activities are when I'm home from work.

3) As we discussed, we were either going to homeschool, or, as a backup, place the kids in private school. If that happened, she'd be able to work, at least part-time, and that would more than offset the cost of private school. I would handle more of the domestic responsibilities if she would be working outside the home.

4) We would be making love, or at least having sex, about three times per week. This would involve the occasional "the kids aren't home, lets go wild" time and us seeking, through practice and exploration and education, to pleasure each other intensely, perhaps in new ways, and to grow in our sexuality, almost like making it a hobby. It would involve some, perhaps rare, spontaneity. Making love would be a priority. Of course, during times of illness or extreme circumstances things would slow down or be on hold.

5) We'd enjoy family vacations, perhaps once a or twice a year or every other year.

6) We'd celebrate (decorations, foods, activities) holidays and special occasions at home in addition to elsewhere.

7) We'd attend church and church events on a somewhat regular basis.

8) We'd enjoy recreation as a couple and a family along the lines of some of our pre-martial dates and pre-kids marital outings.

Were those unreasonable expectations?

The first expectation has held. I'm the breadwinner. I also handle almost all of the bills and paperwork.

Was the fourth expectation unrealistic, especially for a faithful husband? I based it on what I had read about married people with active sex lives, and my experience with girlfriends. When I had an exclusive girlfriend, the only way we weren't having sex three or four times per week is if one of us was very ill or out of town. That held true for all three "long-term" girlfriends as well as the shorter relationships, once they became sexual. However, they weren't raising young children. But what I read about the average marriage was mostly about people who were raising children. The sex is infrequent and done like an obligation.

Homeschooling didn't work out. The kids got sent to private school. She didn't go back to work. Then the school couldn't handle one of the kids. So now that kid is being homeschooled. Kind of. Remember, I'm the breadwinner so I'm busy working, and you can tell from what else I say here my wife doesn't do much.

The second expectation is almost as disappointing as the fourth. My wife handles some of the shopping. Once in a blue moon, she will clean up a bit. But otherwise, I'm doing the shopping, cleaning, cooking, splitting the laundry with our daughter, etc. She does set up getting together with her family. Otherwise, there is almost no social engagement outside of social media.

The last family vacation was about four years ago. Family vacations are stressful for me. Our kids have gone a few places separately, and at least once without either of us, but a whole family vacation together... no. I've tried to get my wife away, just the two of us, but the last time I did that it was a waste and it's very hard to set up because the kids have to be looked after in separate places.

Celebrations in our home are basically non-existent. Sure, a lot of that is on me. But come on, decorating is usually done by the females, she's the one home all of the time, and I'm busy just trying to keep my head above water. We do get together with her family for Christmas and Easter and some birthdays.

We did attend church and church events somewhat regularly for years, but our church basically kicked us out because of one of our kids having behavioral problems. I mean, the rest of us could go, and for a while some of us did, but yeah, as the time dragged on and it became clear they weren't serious about their negotiations to bring our kid back, we just couldn't go unless our whole family could. Then they demanded to know all of the details of treatment. Yeah, no. But, you know, Jesus said all the kids had to be behaved in order to meet with Him. Oops, no He didn't. But I get it. Liability. (See how much everything goes back to the foundational defect in our marriage?)

We almost never get out as a couple. We have gotten out as a family for recreation sometimes, but more often it is me taking one of the kids while everyone else sleeps in.

My time at home is often filled with chores that I had expected would be taken care of while I was at work. There's a lot of medical paperwork I have to take care of. Everyone except my wife gets therapy, so I have to manage for all of that. I'm the one feeding everyone.

Were my expectations unreasonable? Even if they were reasonable, life is nothing like I had wanted or had intended to create, working towards it personally and seeking out a wife I had thought would help create it. I'm trying to keep things together, keep things afloat. Hopefully, the kids will be able to move out and take care of themselves, but I'm not sure that will entirely work out. The two big questions I have about my future are when (if) I'm going to retire and, if the kids are legally adults and responsible for themselves whether I'm going to stay and essentially do my own thing or leave.

I'm aware that things could be worse. They could be, in many ways. But I certainly can't recommend this lifestyle to any man.