Danger, Will Robinson!

"Wavering" wrote to Dear Margo:

I’m in my early 20s, a university student and mother to a lovely little boy.

But no husband? What’s wrong with this picture? (A lot.)

I had a boyfriend some years ago, and although things didn’t work out, we kept in touch and remained good friends. He went on a world tour recently and made the effort to visit me in another country, and told me he’d never forgotten me and still loved me. We got engaged, and our families were thrilled. But I can’t shake the feeling I’m doing the wrong thing.

Well, yes, you are. You shouldn't be involved with another guy while you are supposed to be raising your boy.

He’s a lovely, kind man, generous to a fault, highly educated, intelligent — and he thinks the world of my little boy. He wants to move halfway across the world to marry me and be a father to my son.

Hold on a second. I'm sure you’re an attractive woman and all, but the way you describe this guy, he could have any woman he wants. Why would he want to relocate "halfway across the world" to marry a single mother? (I can assure you that you do not have the one and only magic vagina.)

Let's consider the options:

1. He's hiding from the law.
2. He's got a psychotic fixation on the past (did you dump him previously)?
3. He's stupid or underestimates himself to a fault (both remain possibilities despite, or because, of his education).
4. He's really married to someone else and you’d essentially be marrying a bigamist who wants wives in two very different places in the world.
5. He's a pedophile.

Add that onto the fact that your boy doesn't need the new (or recurring) guy in his life, and you should say "NO!"

But I’m not in love with him.

Strike three. Even without the other things, it is selfish to marry a man you're not in love with because of the things you think he can do for you.

He’s extremely sentimental, for example, and effeminate in his mannerisms. I know it sounds terrible to say, but I find him so unattractive that I can’t bear the thought of intimacy with him.

I smell the putrid stench of a pedophile. Or maybe I’m imagining that at the guy is simply a homosexual (which is certainly not the same thing as a pedophile) and he wants a beard.

I feel that there has to be some sort of attraction for a marriage to work, no?

Yes. At your age, there needs to be physical attraction. There should also be attraction to personality and commonality on religion.

He tells me it doesn’t matter that I’m not ‘in love’ with him, that he wouldn’t even mind my ‘settling’ for him.

He's either on the down-low or he’s a child molester. WAKE UP, SISTER!

Dear Margo responded cluelessly:

If you marry this man, it will be a business transaction.

Yes, it is called pimping out your kid.

The fact that you find him effeminate and he has said being in love with him is not important suggest that he might be homosexual.

Okay, so maybe she isn't completely clueless.

Desperate Housewife, Dear Margo, and the Bible

There was a letter to Dear Margo that I wanted to note because it has some of the same issues I recently wrote about analyzing a letter to Dear Abby. But first I wanted to address Margo’s response to the other letter in that edition of her column.

The first letter in the column was from a bisexual woman who was complaing about negative feelings towards bisexuals from some gay men and lesbians. But Dear Margo took the opportunity to bash the Bible:

Things have greatly improved, to be sure, but there will always be people who are narrow-minded, bigoted, judgmental or influenced by a literal reading of the Bible … even though the "good book" contradicts itself in many instances.

Really? Lesbians and gays are giving bisexuals a hard time because of the Bible? Ah yes, it is right there in 1st Illusions 3:16 - "Thou shalt engage in homosexual sex or heterosexual sex, but thou must pick only one."

In regards to "a literal reading of the Bible" – people have a misconception about what it means to take something lierally. It means reading literature as the kind of literature it is – history as history, satire as satire, metaphor as metaphor. However, using various literary forms, the Bible does consistently portrays sex as something for marriage, and marriage as between a man and a woman. Look it up. It is there in the first and last books and many between – a consistent message. (However, as a matter of law, I think homosexual and bisexual people should be free to do what they want as far as relationships, sex, etc.)

Which brings me to the other point. Consistency. Dear Margo says the Bible "contradicts itself in many instances." But I notice she did not name an instance. Some of my readers don't care much for the Bible, or don't treat is authoritative. Fine. I can respect sincere and informed differences from my own beliefs. I actually discussing those differences. But Dear Margo does what so many people do, and dismisses any authority for the Bible by simply asserting it is filled with contradictions. Most people who do this can't name a single one.

Yes, there are websites that will list alleged contradictions for you. But when you study the Bible and note the literary genres, to whom the various books were written, etc. – then the alleged contradictions disappear. From what I remember, there is a place or two where numbers don't match, likely because of an error in transmission. There are websites that examine each alleged contraction and show them to be nonexistent or insignificant. Not that it matters... if every alleged contradiction that folks like Dear Margo brought up was explained to them to their satisfaction, they wouldn't suddenly believe the Bible. It is a red herring. If you outright deny the possibilty of the supernatural and thus deny the Bible, then fine. But don't claim the problem with the Bible is that, say, God gave certain commands to Jewish people while living in a theocracy and gave different commands to gentiles living in Rome.

But on to sex stuff.

The letter I wanted to note, which, as I said, had similar themes to one to Dear Abby, was from "Frustrated in Texas":

I'm in my late 30s, married 10 years to my hubby who is in his early 40s. He's a great guy and a wonderful father to our two children. Our marriage is good on all fronts but one. While my libido appears to be growing, his appears to be slowing - noticeably.

This is not unsual given the ages and the children.

In addition, my sense of adventure in the bedroom is expanding, and I find myself interested in other types of play.

Sounds great!

Yet he has decided that missionary is it and that a "lady" should not have these desires.

He's wrong,and not only shortchanging you, he's shortchanging himself. He should seek to please you, as long as what you want to do isn't destructive.

This means our infrequent liaisons are less than satisfying.

I can honestly say that every other aspect of our relationship is really good.

Well that's good. But without good sex, it is like saying that my car is great in every way but barely runs.

I think we're both too young to spend the rest of our years like this, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Any advice, ladies or gentlemen? I'm stumped because I identify more with her than him in this case.

To make matters worse, I recently had an online chat with someone in another country that grew quite steamy. While I have never done anything of that nature before, I found it thrilled me.

It's not right, but it is better than physically taking on a lover.

People should eat at home. But if the kitchen is bare, people tend to go elsewhere to eat. That's human nature. Does he believe in the Bible? (See, here's advice that Dear Margo can't give.) There are books and websites that are Bible-based that explain that spouses are supposed to enjoy sexual variety together. That might be the way to go. And seeing if his doctor can find a problem and offer a solution.

I remember reading that, contrary to popular modern perceptions of Puritans, if a wife went to her friends with complaints like this, the friends would tell their husbands and the husbands would get together and tell guys like this woman's husband that it was his Christian duty to make love with his wife often and keep her satisfied.

Dear Margo tells her to quit the cybersex and and get some therapy involved.

Your Baby Daddy's Momma

Dear Margo thinks things stop being sins as time passes. "Not Getting Through" wrote into Dear Margo:

I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as "monster-in-law," tries to control everything.

She can only do that if he lets her. This is going to be reality for the rest of his life, unless he changes it.

My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do.

Maybe she assumed if you were foolish enough to get knocked up out of wedlock and keep the baby instead of adopting out or getting married immediately, you needed the help. Are you really engaged, or does it just sound better to say you are because you have a kid with him?

For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then.

So what? You're going to get all sorts of advice from lots of people.

She even resorted to calling our daughter a "mistake," saying she was born out of sin because we were not married.

Unless you planned to get pregnant out of wedlock, then yes, the pregnancy was a mistake, or rather the actions that caused it were a mistake.

We were both hurt by this.

The truth hurts. You know what hurts more? Children not having married parents.

You chose to raise a baby with and shack up with this guy, and you get his relationship with his mother as part of the package. Deal with it.

Margo responded:

For one thing, the potty-training age she has set is late, by some people’s lights, and the sin thing is way off the mark.

Now this is hilarious for Margo to write, since sin is "missing the mark". Yes, sex with someone who isn't your spouse is a sin according to the Bible. You're free not to believe it, but not to deny the Bible says what it does, because we can all check for ourselves.

A granny who thinks the kid is a bastard is so 18th century.

Circumstances change, but truth doesn't change. The child is not lesser. The parents are being lesser.

Other Planning For Retirement

Before the economy took the huge fall in the last couple of years, the issue of planning for retirement moving far beyond financial. Observers were noting that people who had been used to working all of their lives were having a hard time adjusting to retirement, and their spouses were, too. This is something that is especially true of bosses who were used to everyone following their orders, and automatically bringing them their reading material, coffee, and scheduling their days, etc. These guys wake up, sit down at the breakfast table, and everything is different. And their spouse has to deal with them - and that is a hug adjustment.

Consider what "Mike" wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am furious. My wife and I have just had a huge fight - our third in the past six months. The reason? Nine months ago, I retired at age 60, and my wife seems to be angry with me simply for existing. For almost 30 years, we’ve had a great marriage. We worked hard, were prudent when we needed to be and raised two great kids. I did well in my career, and we are financially secure. We both looked forward to my retirement. However, now that I’m actually retired, my wife only seems to want to get me out of my own house!

Okay, so perhaps he needs some outside interests. But he does have some.

Our first fight occurred when she exploded, saying I’m always under foot and need some outside interests. Well, I play golf with buddies twice a week, have a standing lunch with colleagues once a week and go to my health club almost daily. I am out of the house more than she is! Traveling helps, but it’s the same song once we return home.

So it isn't like he's home all of the time, though he certainly is home a lot more than he used to be. He’s deeply hurt by his wife's reaction.

I always had a low opinion of these guys who divorce their wives late in life and take up with some "trophy wife," but now I’m empathetic. I am heartbroken and angry at the same time. I am this close to telling her to get out of my house and looking for someone with whom I can actually enjoy my retirement. Mostly, I can’t believe this is happening, and I feel my love for her dying a little bit every day.

He needs a man cave, like I have (although I almost never spend time in there). Can part of the house be turned into a den? How about the garage? From the letter, it sounds like a big house so there has to be part of the house he can transform into his corner where he can go and be out of her hair.

Dear Margo responded:

I think counseling is in order, and the adjustment needs to be your wife's. You might point out that some retired guys get a red sports car and are "out" quite a bit.

Woah! She did side with the guy big time on that one.

My wife says she never wants me to be away, but then she's never had to put up with me being around all day, day in and day out. I know that although I very much like my time alone, I've never felt annoyed at her presence - but again, I'm not with her all day every day for months on end.

Things She Should Have Learned Earlier

Time for another letter sent in to Dear Margo. Trying to Decide wrote:

How much is a person supposed to overlook or adapt to in a boyfriend if he has other great qualities?

The more you have to adapt, the less likely you are with someone who is right for you. All relationships take some level of adaptation from not being in that relationship.

As long as he 1) has all the qualities you need in a partner; 2) doesn't have anything you can't stand in a partner; 3) doesn't have any red flags, and 4) is the best you can do, then you're all good.

But if there is anything about him you couldn't accept for the rest of your life and still be an enthusiastic and supportive partner who loves and respects him, then do not marry him.

I'm dating a really nice guy (divorced), who is smart and interesting and has good values, but is extremely passive - to the point where he lets people push him around.

If that is the case, do you really want to be with someone like that?

I find that a total turnoff.

That's not a good sign. Your partner should turn you on.

For example, if a colleague starts yelling at him for a mistake that was the colleague's fault, he just shrugs and tells her she made the mistake.

That actually sounds like a good way to diffuse the situation.

He is so conflict-averse that he’d rather let it go and believes that easy-going is the way to be.

Choosing your battles is a good thing. We all make mistakes. Once you point out to someone that they made a mistake in yelling at you, why rub it in?

The other thing is that he's really a lousy kisser, though friends say that can be worked on.

How about you teach him? What, was this written by a 15-year-old?

I guess I'm used to the man being dominant and aggressive, which is more of a turn-on.

So go find a guy who is "dominant and aggressive", and don't complain when it is "his way or the highway".

On the other hand, I've been accused of being too picky, and I don't want to get rid of a good guy just to see him snapped up by plenty of other women.

There are other women out there. Get over it. That some other woman may find a good time with him should not be your reason for keeping him. If he's not right for you, let him go. Some other woman will find him to be a great catch.

I think it very hard to be too picky in choosing a partner. If you are too picky, then you are doing the other person a favor by not attaching yourself to them in the first place, remaining single.

I've been divorced twice.

I wouldn't consider you a marriage prospect in that case - would not set you up with someone else I knew, unless you'd been through some serious overhaul in your character.

I'm 61 and have been single for many years, but I'd rather be in a relationship.

61!?! I seriously had the writer pegged as a teen. Good luck! And what does she mean by "relationship" - she wants a guy around to drive her places and buy her stuff? Or does she truly enjoy the ongoing company?

She didn't mention that men are constantly hitting on her. If she really wants to be in a relationship, and this guy isn't keeping her from attracting – or looking for – other possibilities, then why not keep seeing him, as long as she can treat him right and he treats her right? Unless he put a ring on her finger, they are both free to date others, in my book.

Going Intergenerational and Blending Families

Let’s check in on relationship problems via an advice column, shall we? "Non-Cougar in Calif." wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am 29. My love is 55.

Okay.

We were friends first, and then it turned into a real relationship.

Let me guess... you are an "old soul"? Of course you were friends first, but only because you were attracted to him and he was to you. If you hadn't been attracted to him in the first place, he would have ended up in the "only a friend" zone, never to get out.

When we met, it was supposed to be "Friends with Benefits," but as the years went by we developed feelings for each other, which led to a relationship.

Funny how that happens. See - "friends first" - right.

I have a 5-year-old and he has a 16-year-old.

Oh heck no. Wrong! You should both be focusing on raising your children.

I've said that maybe I want more children, and he has said he’s open to it.

As "guy" as my first language, let me translate what he means: "I don't want more children, but I want to keep fornicating with you, so I will not give you a definite 'no' because this way, you'll keep fornicating with me."

But with our huge age difference, I am questioning it. What are your thoughts?

Raise your child. You'll be 42 when you child is raised. If you want to adopt then, find a man closer to your age who always wanted to adopt, marry him, and adopt. It is a bad idea to get pregnant by a 55-year-old guy who has a 16-year-old and doesn't want more kids. When you also consider that you already have your own child to raise... forget it.

I speak from some experience when dealing with age differences and prior kids in dating, although in my case she was the only one with a kid (who was, like this case, 16), and was the older one in the relationship. Throughout my rebellious time, I had relationships and flings with a few older women. One of those pairings had the same age spread as the letter-writer's, though I was 19 and she was 45. It is even more problematic at those ages, and with the male being the younger partner.

Mind you, I didn't know this woman was 45 at first.

In the days before most people had their pictures online, there were these dial-up electronic bulletin board services – some of them for a hobby or interest, and others for socializing. This one was for socializing in my metropolitan area, and you'd see someone's first name, their age, their gender, and their sexual orientation. I started talking with, among other people and usually in a "group setting”, a woman I thought was 29. It was never dirty, mind you, even when it got flirty. Just joking around and talking about whatever. When I took a serious look at her stats again, she was listed as 39, and I wondered why I had started chatting up someone so much older than me, not remembering that the stat previously said 29. Why all of this happened this way and how I eventually found out she was 45 is rather a boring story and not important to this post. The two important things to remember is that when I got heavily involved with her, I thought she was 39, and she later told me she was 45 after some math didn't make sense to me.

Originally, she had thought maybe I would be good for her daughter. But her daughter was a troubled brat. And shewasn't interested in me anyway. So, the elder woman of the house began to flirt with me big time. Dysfunction much?

Me, I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Wrong for getting involved with a much older woman, wrong for getting involved with a mother with a minor child, and wrong for fornicating. Not to excuse my sins, but rather explain a little bit... I was almost completely inexperienced with dating, naïve, felt affection-deprived, and had an inferiority complex. I was ill-equipped to resist the flirtations of a (very) experienced, available older woman, even if this was before the whole "MILF" thing made it to pop culture. I was also living on my own, away from my family, by myself. That makes messin' around really easy.

We carried on for a year and a half. We didn't keep it a secret. Our friends and family and even a lot of our coworkers at our respective workplaces knew. We struggled from time to time with the age difference and the morality of the whole thing. It fell apart after her daughter gave birth. Grandma did't want to deal with the drama of her new-mother daughter fighting with her, and ditching me gave them one less thing to fight about. About 7 or 8 months later, I stumbled cluelessly into another relationship with a woman who was only two years older than me. Grandma later found some new 18 or 19-year-old guy for a while, and we were on friendly but distant terms until we lost contact after moves.

It wasn't all bad. We didn't really fight with each other, as we were too busy defending our relationship to others. She fed me well – meaning home cooked meals that helped me to lose weight. Between those and the – ahem – regular exercise (minimum three times a week, every week), I didn't even have to try to lose weight – it just happened. I slimmed down to an ideal weight. She showed how to behave with more confidence, and she gave me a makeover so I wouldn't look so much like the nerd I am. I was certainly not as bad off as I would have been if I had "fallen in love" with her daughter instead.

But out of all the things wrong about that relationship, at least we didn't marry, as that would have been a mockery, and I didn't get her pregnant. That would have been horrible for the child. Also, I didn't have a child to expose to a situation that was really all about having sex without marriage or a realistic hope of getting married and having it work.

Thank God for His mercy and forgiveness.

More Fun With Advice Columns

Time to check in on a two of my favorite advice columns. I look at some recent Dear Abby columns and a recent Dear Margo column.

GROWN-UP GIRL IN KENTUCKY wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm a 21-year-old woman who just moved back home after two years of living and learning on my own.

That doesn't sound very grown up to me.

My family has been wonderful to accept me back into their home until I finish my studies in a few months, after which I assume I'll be getting a job and my own place.

I have an amazing boyfriend, "Jordan," with whom I would love to spend some nights. I'm afraid if I do I would be disrespecting my parents' wishes -- my father is a preacher -- but at the same time I feel restricted because I got used to being on my own and doing what I wanted.

Well, too bad. Part of the trade off of living in someone else's home is abiding by their rules. You're not being held hostage. You can leave.

Dear Abby responded:

Have your parents met Jordan? Do they like him? If they have and they do, it would make things easier on you.

Unless he is a eunuch, I don’t see how any of that matters.

You should definitely respect your father's position and sensitivities.

That's all she should have written.

A more acceptable compromise than spending "nights out" might be for you and Jordan to arrange some weekend getaways together.

Uh, no.

Of this I am certain: Young love will find a way.

Love is one thing. Lust is another. Look, I'm no prude. Well, at least not according to this definition. I know saving sex for marriage is not what most people do. But an adult should not treat her parents' place like a hotel.

COLORADO TEEN wrote:

I'm a 16-year-old guy who has hit a road bump in life. My parents divorced when I was 12 and are still fighting.

That's a lot of fun, isn’t it? Somehow, they got along well enough to make you, but then they act like this. That's quite a way to make a life for their child.

I get involved in their fights because I feel I have to, but it stresses me out.

Not good. That shouldn't be his deal. He should be focusing on his studies, his hobbies, enjoying his youth.

I live full-time with Mom because Dad and I fight too much. Mom and I are also at odds nonstop. She has had several different boyfriends since the divorce. Three of them have moved into our house.

In four years? Ugh. She needs to wait two years or one and a half or however long until you are 18. She's put you at risk, and set a horrible example.

Mom and I have different opinions about her present boyfriend, who she calls her "fiance." He's the biggest reason we fight. Mom has told me her kids come first and if I really don't like him she'll ask him to leave, but I don't want her to do it if she's truly happy with him.

No kid should be put in this position. How awful.

Dear Abby told him to get counseling.

ONLINE MOMMY IN THE NORTHWEST wrote:

A few months ago, my friend and neighbor, "Jill," told me how much she enjoyed an online mothers group she participated in, so I joined. Last week, Jill announced on the Web site that she's pregnant with her second child. I congratulated her online, then congratulated her husband in person when I ran into him in the neighborhood later that day. He was flabbergasted. Apparently, Jill hadn't told him about the baby!

Jill is now furious with me because I "spoiled her surprise" by revealing something that was supposed to be a secret.

I’m not really concerned with the relationship between the women, or what DA's response is. What concerns me more is that this is an example of a violation of intimacy between husband and wife. A woman's husband should be told these things before just about anyone else. The baby is his, too. Unless the person is completely anonymous to the rest of the group (and the world) and is fishing for cute ways to tell the spouse, this was just plain wrong.

Ladies, if you want your female friends, even the ones you've never actually met, to be that close to you... then don't bother being married. Don't say that your husband is your best friend, or you want him to be your best friend, if you are keeping secrets from him that you are telling others (except, perhaps, clergy or a shrink), or if you're badmouthing him all of the time to other women. Because, in that case, your best friend is not your husband – it is the person to whom you are telling all of his shortcomings.

Stressed Out in a Small Town wrote in to Dear Margo:

I have been divorced from my first husband, "Lionel," for 13 years. He was an abusive alcoholic who (thankfully) skipped the state eight years ago to avoid paying child support for our children, "Eloise," now 21, and "Laura," 18.

Sounds like a great guy to marry and with whom make two babies. Are you sure that's the reason he left? From what I understand, states work together on this.

At last count, Lionel owes more than $60,000 in back child support and only recently re-established contact with the girls.

From what I can tell, this is irrelevant to the letter, and she includes it merely as a dig, as if he were writing in to say, "and her ass is saggy."

Laura is graduating high school this year and asked her father to attend the ceremony. He said he couldn’t because he didn’t want to drive 500 miles over Memorial Day weekend, but that he would attend her celebration party three weeks later.

A real prize.

My current husband is furious. He's been a big part of the girls' lives for 10 years, and together we've raised two healthy, well-adjusted young ladies.

Hold it! You said your ex skipped town eight years ago. So maybe your ex figured you and the new stud had it all covered? Why hasn't your husband adopted your girls and made child support from your ex unnecessary?

He absolutely doesn't want Lionel at the party, and frankly, neither do I — he’s extremely rude, obnoxious and inappropriate even while sober.

It is at your home. Surely to could bar him if you want.

If he shows up, my husband would like to have him arrested, since he has several outstanding warrants in our state.

Are any of them not child support based?

What a mess. What guy in his right mind wants to deal with this? This guy she's now married to couldn't find someone without so much baggage? Or did he have a "rescue" complex?

Don't get me wrong – unless someone signs away their parental rights, they should support their children financially, even if they aren't going to be there physically or emotionally.

Dear Margo had a decent response.

Not Feeling It

Do you know someone who is asexual? "Internally Perplexed" wrote in toe Dear Margo:

I am a 21-year-old male who has come to terms with the fact that I am asexual. I have no interest in either sex and, for the most part, don’t mind it.

In our sex-obsessed society*, some people refuse to believe that such people exist. I'm fairly certain I know at least one.

However, my family seems to have an extremely difficult time accepting that I don't want to go out and "fool around" with women.

They're afraid you are gay. Or maybe they want grandchildren, nieces, and nephews. Or maybe it is both. Plus, people tend to think other people should have the same feelings and urges that they do.

I find it incomprehensible and unfair to go out with a woman and not be able to return her feelings for me, if such were to arise.

Good for you! Too many people don't think this way, especially if they realize they can find someone to take care of them financially if they fake it for a while.

I continue dreaming of having a family with children, but if I don't hold a desire to be with either sex, is it even possible?

Well, sure, it is possible. You can find a woman who is also "asexual" and do it just enough to conceive children. Or you can adopt together. But lovemaking is also great relationship cement, and if you aren't going to have that, you'd better have other things keeping you together and happy. Do you really want a lifelong roommate? Plus, there's the risk that one of you will change (like get a hormone surge), and the other won't, and that will really make things difficult.

Dear Margo responded:

Regarding your family, I suspect they will have a tough time comprehending your emotional makeup, it being foreign to them, so just make the statement that, so far, you've not met anyone who interests you enough to pursue.

Families not only have a tough time with a member being asexual, they also have a tough time with a member who does not want children or does not want to get married. I hope I never treat any of my family that way, because I don't think people should get married or have children unless they really, really want to and have found the right spouse and are prepared to be the right spouse/parent - AND have undergone extensive counseling.

There is the additional possibility of being a single parent.

NO!!! ARGH!!!! His desire to raise children should not trump a child's need to have both a mother and a father.

========
*If you don’t think we're sex-obsessed, where are the parallels in other aspects of life to:

Stripping?
Porn?
Sexual harassment?

I mean, we all need to eat, and many of us eat way too much, but who pays to watch a steak slowly unveiled and waved around? Why don't we have "nutritional harassment" prevention training in the workplace, even though some people are vegans, some keep kosher, etc.? Why don't we use the phrase "nutritional orientation", or have laws protecting people from discrimination based on their "nutritional orientation"? How much of our media (music, sitcoms, "reality" shows, cinema) is about sex as opposed to eating?

Say Something Sooner

This recent Dear Margo installment features a longsuffering woman, who put herself into a bad situation. Yes, this is a about sex. You are warned.

F.R. wrote:

My partner and I have been together for 26 years.

Nothing else in the letter implies that the writer is homosexual, and Dear Margo responds as though this is a woman writing about a man. So I will, too.

After a messy divorce, he said he didn’t need a piece of paper to tell him whom to love.

Well, no, he didn't. Was there any ceremony? Any public vow before God, family, and everyone? While avoiding the "piece of paper" (which some people are literally marching in the streets over) might free him (and you) from certain legal obligations, what about the ceremony itself? Oh well, the important thing to this letter is how long they have been together.

A few months ago I finally got up the nerve to tell him how dissatisfying our sex life has been.

The implication, taking into account all of the letter, is that it has always been. Twenty-six years is a long time to let this problem go, especially if she has been faking it all of this time.

I asked him if he wanted to tell me anything, and he said he had not been aware that there was a problem.

That's not unusual. It is easier to tell if a man has been satisfied than it is to determine if a woman has. The guy will often squirt stuff, fall asleep, or be agreeable to all sorts of demands.

He knew I was inexperienced, because I told him.

Okay, well, that was a loooooong time ago. After all of this time, you have some experience, no?

Since our "talk," we have not had sex.

Of course not. He's been thinking everything has been fine all of this time, and now you tell him he's been doing it wrong since the first Reagan Administration.

I wanted things to get better, not worse.

Did you tell him exactly what you wanted and needed, or did you simply tell him he's been doing it wrong all of this time?

He is not abusive and supports our son in every way. My family all love him. I just see our relationship disappearing!

How soon before your son is out of the house? Then you can go your own ways. You've destroyed the guy, and it might not be possible to restore the situation.

Dear Margo thinks the guy might be a homosexual. Uh, oooookay.

Here's the thing, ladies. Your man, unless he's a jerk, wants to please you, especially in bed (or wherever else you make out). Never fake an orgasm. To him, it is the same thing as saying "I love you" when it isn't true. My deal with my wife is that she never fakes an orgasm. If she just isn't going to get there for whatever reason, she tells me so. (Every woman is different in this aspect – some can only seem to handle one orgasm, some are "satisfied" without having one every session, and others area prone to multiples of varying intensities.) She also gives me suggestions. This is very important. We are not mind readers. Encouragement and positive reinforcement work wonders.

Here are some handy words and phrases you can use right in the middle of everything:

Ooooooh
Aaaaaah
Mmmmm
"That’s good. Keep doing that."
"Right here."
"I need you to ____"
"It would be so nice if you would _____"
"Harder."
"Gently"
"Faster"
"Slower"
"It's such a turn on when you ___"
"I need you inside me right now."
"Try painting the alphabet with your tongue."

As the guy, one thing I've found handy is to ask, "Is there anything else I can do for you right now?" Sometimes I wonder if my wife has ever thought of replying, "Take out the trash." Of course, the question is a little silly in using the phrase "for you" as I enjoy it all at least as much as she does, even if I am presumably doing it for her pleasure. But that question, or some variation, works, as long as the woman is willing to be honest about what she needs and wants.

From what I've seen in the Bible and nature, God wants husbands and wives to please each other in this way - to enjoy what He has created. So don't be reserved when you are alone with your spouse.

Sounds Like a Guy to Avoid

This is the second letter from a Dear Margo column that provided fodder for me yesterday. CONFUSED IN PLATTEVILLE wrote:

I am worried about a friend at work. She was married to a man who abused her. Two kids later, she divorced him. Then she met another man. She loves him and wants to marry and have a baby. The problem is that he is very controlling.

If you read the letter, it looks like he is actually controlling. This is opposed to the kind of "controlling" that some women call men when we:

--Expect our significant other to appropriately respect us, especially when it involves woman maintaining the same level of boundaries involving the opposite sex that she demands we maintain in our dealings with the opposite sex

--Say "no" to something a woman asks of us, especially when we refuse to enter into losing situations

--Maintain control over our own earnings (unmarried, so we're not talking community property)
That is not an extensive list, of course.

The guy sounds very insecure. But she is going to keep picking guys like that unless she figures out why she is doing it in the first place. Maybe it is what she was raised with, and so what she knows and finds "comfortable".

She was expecting a diamond on her birthday, but was disappointed.

Now that is not controlling, nor abusive.

He told her they will get married when he "gets all of his ducks in a row."

Neither is that.

A couple of us have decided that he hasn't even found his ducks yet.

So, she should stop seeing him. She has volunteered to see him and keep seeing him.

He's been in other relationships where he's out the door at the mention of marriage.

Has he ever given any indication that he actually wants to get married? And why would she want to marry someone like this??? She's better off that he hasn't asked and she hasn't accepted!

Now she thinks she may be pregnant! We’re afraid that if she tells him he will go nuts.

Why would he do that? Did she lie about being monogamous or using contraception? Regardless, if she is pregnant, she has boosted her chances that she'll be the victim of violence. She needs to get away from this guy.

Should we tell her what we are thinking?

Yes. But she won't listen.

Dear Margo gets it right when she replies:

This guy is nuts already … and I have a few doubts about your friend, as well.

Exactly.

If she is pregnant and he dumps her, remind your friend that he is responsible, by law, for child support.

How about giving the kid up for adoption? She can start making that possible by filing charges against him for any assault, property destruction, threats, etc. that he does actually commit. That way, she can show in court that he's likely to be an unfit parent, should he want custody or visitation.

Wouldn't it be a kicker if the woman in question filed sexual harassment complaints against her coworkers if they tell her what they think of this guy? "Hostile work environment."

Nice guys who are single but looking see situations like this, not realizing that something is wrong with the woman, and they see that jerks get women. And some of those nice guys stop being so nice. Meanwhile, this scary guy can keep getting women to "sleep" with him. He may not have much motivation to change as long as they do and as long as he doesn't run into trouble with the law.

Succeeding Can Lose You Friends

It can hurt to recognize that a friendship is over. LOSING THE "FOREVER" IN BFF wrote in to Dear Margo:

I'm 21 years old and will be graduating with my bachelor's degree in chemistry, with plans to go for a master's, then a Ph.D.

Good for you!

I have a ring and a date from a wonderful man I have been with for four years.

Okay... so you've been dating while young and in school. Your relationship is likely not going to be the same once you are both done with school, and it sounds like you are going to be busy with school for a few more years. Are you going to have time to be a spouse? Anyway, that's not really want this letter was about.

I was very close to the same two girls throughout grade school and high school; now I can’t stand to be around either of them.

That happens. Nowhere is it written that your best friends at one phase of your life are going to be your best friends through all phases of your life. In the past, you had geography and age in common, and when you were a kid, that's a lot. But you're now at the age where priorities, values, and morals make more of a difference, because you are more freedom over your own life.

One drinks to excess at least three nights a week and always wants to "hang out" at gross backyard keg parties.

Drinking and partying is not bad per se, as long as your friend isn't forsaking obligations. Drinking to excess is a problem. But this isn't your scene anyway.

The other dates a deplorable stoner who treats her like a dog and brags about how much money he makes pushing drugs to the local teens.

Not the kind of people you need to hang with.

Not surprisingly, all they do is whine and cry to me about all their problems, and then try to find problems with my life.

They want sympathy – it feels good and it is easier for them than making good decisions.

I don't return their calls anymore and have no desire to speak with them. So now they leave me messages all day, drive by and "drop in" if they see my car, and try to guilt trip me about being a terrible person for "throwing away" so many years of friendship.

They are the ones throwing it away as much as you. And some things aren't worth keeping.

I used to try getting them together for lunch dates, movies and other non-boozing and drug-using things, but they always said I was no fun.

Drop them. They are losers. You have more important things to deal with. If you want to help someone, go to a shelter and help there. Those are people seeking help.

Margo pretty much agreed.

This reminds me a bit about what I wrote here.

Of course we should stick by our friends when they have suffered setbacks in life – illness, injury, death, job loss, divorce, heartbreak, etc. But when they are making their own lives miserable as a chosen lifestyle and they don't want to change, they become akin to vampires. Especially when you have a spouse or kids depending on you, it is best to cut them out of your life.

In this case, she may find that her "friends" may actively try to subvert her education and her relationship, because the more she moves forward in those areas, the more she is going to be different from them.

Dear Margo on Two Marriages

When we read advice columns or listen to radio call-in shows, or read the paper, rarely are we going to see or hear "I love marriage! I love my spouse! Everything is fantastic!" Just something to keep in mind as we look at yet another Dear Margo column dealing with bad marriages.

SEX STARVED wrote:

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She is 60 and I am 63. For the first 20 years we had what I would call a very normal marriage. Plenty of sex and intimacy. About five years ago she announced she no longer had any desire to have sex. The closest we have come to intimacy since then is kissing when either of us leaves the house, and we hold hands when we go to sleep.

Poor fella.

I tried to talk to her about this, but she is adamant about her lack of interest. I’m actually surprised I have managed to last this long without straying, but as far as I’m concerned, that is not an option, even in these circumstances.

Well, good for him.

Dear Margo rightly told him that she could see a medical specialist to change the situation. Unfortunately, she has to be willing to go. Unless he also wants to be unfaithful (and make no mistake – she is being unfaithful), he's at her mercy.

Some generally good guys read stuff like that and it scares them away from marriage. They'd rather either fornicate (not the Christian thing to do) or be celibate by their choice, not by someone else's. They also maintain more of their autonomy by being unmarried, and don't have to share quarters and finances and decisions. The more of their male relatives, friends, and coworkers they see miserable in their marriages, the less likely they are going to be inclined to marry.

The second letter isn't encouraging, either.

BAFFLED wrote:

I have been married to a truck driver for three years. I know he loves me, but our relationship has become a routine.

Well, yes, that can happen in a marriage. Stability isn't a bad thing, is it? Taking each other for granted is.

I find we no longer talk and I don't feel we are even friends anymore.

Maybe you need a girlfriend?

I have started talking to a gentleman who is 11 years my senior and has become a friend. He now says he loves me and wants to plan a future together.

That's not a gentleman. He's a guy.

I do still find my husband attractive, but this other man says all the right things and seems to be financially secure, which my husband is not.

Is this a new thing that happened after you married? I wonder if she pressured him to propose, or if he made that mistake purely through his own foolishness?

It would be nice to know that all of my bills are paid, and I’d like my partner to be my friend, as well as a mate. What should I do?

Get a job. You didn't mention kids, so if you want your bills paid, get a job and pay for them. He's out working, and she's bored and complaining. Really, how bad are things? She's still attracted to her husband, he's working, and she knows he loves her.

Dear Margo’s advice is decent. I seem to be finding less outrageous advice in these columns, as if men suddenly matter, too. That's a good thing.

Stay With Your Husband and Act Like a Wife

Time to check in on Dear Margo again.

DAZED wrote:

I am a married mother of three. My husband loves me and we have a nice life. Unfortunately, I no longer love him.

Of course not. After all, he loves you. That's boring!

I am in love with a man who is five years younger. (He is also married with a child.) We both married for the wrong reasons.

Too late now! You made babies.

Whatever free time we have we spend together

Free time? You have "free time" with a husband, three kids, and a job? The time you should be spending rejuvenating so that you can be a good wife and mother are spent carrying of this affair.

and he has helped me both financially and professionally.

Whore. (It's okay to use that word... it is Biblical.)

He's in the same situation: He does not love his wife, but doesn't want to leave because of his child.

Not to mention the alimony and child support! Oh, and right now, he gets to have sex with both of you.

I don't want to leave, either, because of how devastating it would be for the children. I am torn and don't know what to do.

How about:
1. Stop fornicating with this guy.
2. Stop seeing the guy at all.
3. Love your husband.
4. Mother your kids.
5. Quit your job, which could be key to steps 1-4.

I know he loves me; this is not just a simple affair.

You both loved your spouses, too, supposedly. You only "love" each other because you aren't obligated to each other.

We have so much in common and the same outlook on life.

Yeah, you are both adulterous fornicators.

I can talk to him about anything and be myself when I’m around him … not possible with my husband.

When "being yourself" means cheating, then I can see how that could be a problem for your husband. And talking is what your girlfriends are for.

I sometimes want to end it with him because I feel I should work on my marriage, but when I do try, it is clear things are broken beyond repair.

Really? I haven't read one word about her husband being an abuser, absent, an addict, or an adulterer. In fact, she wrote that her husband loves her. So if "things are broken" it is largely her doing, and she can change that. They aren't broken beyond repair – she just tells herself that so she won't feel as guilty.

I wonder how many of the kids are even her husband's? How many does he know aren't his, and how many does he think are his but aren't? Regardless, sounds like he is a better father to them than she is a mother.

Dear Margo responded:

The real key is whether or not your marriage would respond to "work." I do know that with a lover in the picture it is next to impossible to concentrate on one’s marriage. On the other hand, if there is absolutely no repair possible and you and this man have this wonderful connection, you could either keep the affair going (difficult, emotionally) or realize that divorce need not mean abandoning parental duties and roles.

Cut the crap. Divorce hurts kids and makes it harder for both parents to fulfill their parental obligations.

You would not be the first couple to undo a damaged marriage.

And if I decided to go on a killing spree, I wouldn't the first person either. What kind of advice is that?!?

Another consideration is, what are these various children seeing and feeling at home? If there is frost or fighting, that is not so great for kids, either.

She can change that if she wants.

Try to determine if the sex and secrecy are what’s fueling this romance.

Really, how could she trust ever her adultery buddy? Oh wait, I can answer that. Because she has the one and only magic vagina, so he would never betray her the way he's betraying his current wife. That's called DELUSION.

Is there guilt?

What difference does that make? If there isn't it just means she's a sociopath and perhaps should warn her husband that she is.

My responses would be the same if the adulterous guy had been the one writing in. That guy is a creep.

A Messed Up Teen and a Woman Fearing Spinsterhood

Two interesting letters in this Dear Margo column.

HELPLESSLY BROKEN wrote:

OK, so I am in high school, right? Freshman year.

Totally.

Then my grades started slipping, and eventually I cheated on a quiz to bring my grade up because I was tired of looking like a failure.

Not a good idea, because that is a temporary solution that lacks integrity.

Unfortunately, I got caught, and the teacher and counselor called my parents.

Good. That is not unfortunate.

When I got home, my mom took my phone and read everything on it.

She should do that anyway.

By invading my privacy,

Hold on! Your mom probably pays for that phone. Everything you have is probably on loan to you – it isn't actually yours. There is no expectation of privacy. Get used to this – the same will be true when you get a job and use phones, gadgets, laptops, and desktops provided by your employer, or and an e-mail address provided by your employer.

she found out I was bisexual,

At your age, you should be asexual – at least in action.

used to cut myself,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual". It's not like they are both signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything.

stopped eating or forced myself to throw up,

Of course, this is completely unrelated to being "bisexual", or cutting. It's not like they are all signs that there is a larger problem here, or anything. By the way - if your parents are paying for your medical care, then these things are definitely their business. (If you get an abortionist to cut you, though, or make you throw up, then you can hide it from your parents indefinitely – for some reason abortionists are special.)

and thought I was in love with my best friend - who is a girl, I might add.

Would she want to be with someone who also likes guys, cuts herself, has eating disorders, and is an academic cheat? Would she want to be with someone who keeps all of this information in a phone?

Now I am stuck in counseling.

That can be a good thing. Who should be in counseling, if not you?

Also, she discovered similar problems going on with two of my best friends.

Yes – that is why you are friends with them. You're all a mess.

Now she won't let me see them until they tell their parents what's been going on and see a counselor.

Good for your mom! She’s being a parent!

One friend was already in counseling when this happened, but the other refuses to say anything, even if it means we can’t see each other anymore.

I guess she isn't all that devoted to you.

My problem is that I feel angry and terrible all the time and just want to cry every second because everything is ruined:

Uh, you never felt that way before?

I can’t see the girl I've fallen for,

You should be focusing on learning to be healthy, and your studies, and a hobby or sport or some such activity.

and my parents are trying to convince me that I am not bi, but merely curious.

Maybe you are homosexual. Or maybe you just don't have boundaries.

If I were simply curious I wouldn't be feeling this way toward another girl, would I?

Actually, yes, that is possible.

I don’t know what to do anymore and feel like there is nowhere to turn.

How about your counselor?

Hey, high school boys: There's your prom date! Be sure to save up!

Dear Margo responded with generally good advice, but of course throws this in:

I suggest you don’t look at the therapist as the enemy, but make use of your sessions to hash through your feelings. This person could even become an ally in helping you understand who you are and explaining to your mother that your sexuality, whatever it is, is hard-wired.

I see. But the cutting and eating disorders aren't?

HD wrote:

How long does it typically take for a man to propose marriage?

There is no typical. Some men never propose marriage. I'm wary of engagements that happen too quickly and ones that happen after many years. Good thing I'm married and don't have to deal with either situation.

I've been dating a man for over two years,

If you have been dating him as in seeing him in-person regularly, and both of you are finished with your education and he is financially/professionally established, and you have paid off your debts (other than a mortgage or maybe a car payment) then it is time.

and my mother and sister are nagging me, saying I am wasting my time, and that if he were serious, he’d have asked me by now.

They aren't the ones who would be getting married to this guy. It is quite possible they are more interested in having bunch of parties associated with a wedding. Or, maybe they see something you don't.

When I have raised the issue of a time frame, he has said he believes we will marry but doesn’t want to rush things because, to his way of thinking, marriage is forever.

Has he ever brought up the subject – in a positive, optimistic way? If you are fornicating with him, especially if you are shacking up with him, he has little incentive to get married to you. His main incentive would be for the sake of any children he wants. Which brings up the question... has he ever brought up the subject of being a father - in a positive, optimistic way?

I love him and don’t mind waiting, but I am also aware that at 34 years old each year that passes means potential future prospects diminish, as does the chance of having a baby.

This is a good example of why people should refuse to commit to an exclusive relationship unless engagement is eminent. If she was dating other men, this guy could wait as long as he wants – and she could marry someone who is ready and wants to be married. She could have been vetting other potential husbands.

Dear Margo Advises Catholic Guy About His Dating

HEARTSICK recently wrote in to Dear Margo:

I am a 23-year-old Catholic male. The last serious relationship I was in ended when I was 17.

That wasn’t really a serious relationship. It only felt like it to you.

Even though we dated for three years, we never went "all the way."

Good for you.

Now I am intimidated by women who have more sexual history than I do.

Intimidated? Is that the right word? You should only be intimidated if they are
assaulting you.

I have always believed that one sexual partner for one's entire life is the ideal.

You mean you believe in line with your religion? Wow. Imagine that.

Here comes the fun part.

Recently, a 20-year-old woman whom I care for deeply told me in explicit detail about a sexual experience she had with a 45-year-old man she met on the Internet.

RED FLAGS! (And there’s that “met on the Internet” thing again. It is completely irrelevant. It is like saying “met in a library”. Come to think of it, he might be in the "friend" category for her anyway, making this whole thing pointless.)

She did not mean to have sex with him, she told me, and the circumstances as she explained them sounded like borderline rape.

Hmmmm. So she thought a 45-year-old man simply found her, a 20-year-old, so fascinating and insightful, that he just had to meet her in person, in private? Hey, I speak from experience - when a 45 year old you met online wants to spend time with you and you are 20, they want sex; even if the sexes are reversed. (No, I'm nowhere near 45. You figure it out.)

Okay – let’s go over the possibilities here:

1) She was naïve and showed very poor judgment and wanted to get her ego stroked so badly that she put herself in a very bad situation and was raped. I do not excuse rape, just like I do not excuse grand theft auto, but I think someone who leaves the keys in the ignition and the car door open and unattended is still an idiot.

2) She is not telling you the truth or telling it wholly or accurately. This could be because she doesn’t want to take responsibility for her own actions, so she could be recasting her fornication as rape.

3) She attracts “dangerous” men.

Do you want to be with a woman like that? At the very least, she isn’t ready to be in a healthy relationship. Actually, at 23, you probably have some more time to go before you see someone exclusively anyway. You should be out dating various women so you can be sure to develop a good idea of what kind of woman you enjoy spending time with. Wish someone would have told me that when I was 23.

Think about this – if this woman engaged willingly in fornication with this guy and then later recasts it as rape, she is more likely to do the same with you. False rape accusations are nothing to take lightly.

However, if she was raped, you can hardly call this “sexual experience”. And if she was raped, she should turn that guy in to law enforcement.

I am afraid that if I stay involved with her, the knowledge of that experience will eat away at me.

Leave now. If she was raped, she doesn’t need someone like you adding to her troubles. If she simply had sex she claims to regret, it will still bother you. Either way, it is best to move on.

Doesn’t the Roman Catholic Church have all sorts of people for this guy to turn to for advice in situations like this? It seems to me that writing in to Dear Margo is fishing for getting the exact answer he wants to hear.

Dear Margo responded:

I encourage you to move away from your instinct to "fully understand" or to find and punish this man.

Move away altogether.

It would be a shame to end the relationship because of something basically out of this woman's control.

Would it really? Should everyone volunteer to subject themselves to a relationship with someone with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? We’re not talking a married couple where one spouse gets traumatized. We’re talking about a new dating situation. If he doesn’t want to knowingly enter in to a new relationship with someone who has PTSD, that is his choice and certainly understandable.

Because you say you are intimidated by women more experienced than you are, perhaps a few sessions with a mental health professional will help you over this hurdle.

Be sure to pick a solid Catholic, or at least Biblical counselor. Otherwise, you’ll get someone who will tell you that the solution is to fornicate a lot. Or, you could stick to women who don’t have more “experience” than you. There’s nothing wrong with that. But make no mistake: If someone is raped, that does not mean something is wrong with them or they are sexually impure.

When Messed Up People Become Inappropriately Attached

Sadly, I write from experience.

FLUMMOXED AND SAD wrote in to Dear Margo:

Last February I met an amazing woman online.

Meeting online is NOT the same as meeting in person. It can facilitate meeting in person, but it isn't the same as doing it. I say this as someone who has made pen pals online. Yes, there is a kind of interaction there, but do not confuse it with an in-person relationship.

We have been talking ever since, and we have met. On those occasions, we
have been intimate.

So you have a pen pal that you fornicate with.

In many ways I feel I've found someone with whom I feel safe.

Interesting. What does that say about you that it takes someone who is at a distance and interacts with you mostly through controlled communications for you to feel safe?

However, I have always had many friends of the opposite sex.

Which translates to: One of us is not attracted to the other (that is, if they are not fornicating).

Recently, my best one, who lives locally, has been dealing with some personal issues. As a friend, I was spending time with her, babysitting for her and listening to her without the judgment she was receiving from her family.

Sounds like you are the “nice guy” who she gets to do things for her while she goes out with other guys, who aren’t so nice. Like the guy who knocked her up.

The problem is that I have been open about my friendships and what I do on a
day-to-day basis. Now the woman I love is feeling betrayed, which has put a dent
in my long-distance relationship with the woman I feel a complete love for.

Ugh. She has no right to tell you what to do – only the right to tell you under what conditions she’ll continue to carry on with you. She is essentially a pen pal, and for you to get so hung up on her shows that something is wrong with you.

Now I am trying to make her feel comfortable with a friendship that has never been inappropriate or intimate. She says she just needs time. In the meantime, I have become a recluse from my other friendships because I don't want to withhold information from the woman I love.

Yuck. See what I mean? And it is possible for a friendship to be inappropriate even if there is nothing sexual. It's called... using, or abusing.

She has been betrayed so often by other men, and I don't want to be that guy.

So you want to be the guy who lives by the insecurities of a pen pal? What’s wrong with you?!? Either she keeps picking bad men or she is experiencing the same difficulties everyone faces in personal relationships, and is blowing it out of proportion. Either way, you’re subjecting yourself to drama you don’t need with someone who has relationship problems, just like you do.

Dear Margo replies:

I don't think there's anything you can do; maybe a therapist could help.

YES. He needs some therapy.

You are having to tread lightly because of her past hurts. What she needs to understand is that you are not these men; you are you.

Right. Both men and women tend to lump the other sex together as one monster, and that’s not right. People should be treated as individuals. That does not mean you ignore the realities of human behavior, though.

I would strongly recommend that you not let any woman dictate your outside friendships; it is neurotic, a form of control and certainly a sign of insecurity.

Good advice. Perhaps what we need are fewer relationship experts who try to make relationships work when they are based on the signifcant flaws of the participants. We need more experts willing to say "You should not get involved with someone else until you deal with this problem in yourself."

Dear Margo Advises a Man How to Deal With Mrs. Robinson

DESPERATE writes in to Dear Margo:

I am a 32-year-old man. After a string of older women, I have happily, though uncharacteristically, been dating a woman eight years my junior for about a year.

She may be a little too young to be mature enough for commitment.

I am deeply in love with her, and we have been seriously discussing moving in together.

Shacking up is a very bad idea.

She is unusually close to her mother and sings her praises every chance she gets.

Uh-oh. Being close to your parents can be a good thing. But will she be closer to her mom than you if you ever married – you know, assuming you’d be stupid enough to marry her even though she’d move in without being married? Married couples need to “leave” their parents and “cleave” to each other.

Her mother gave birth to her at 16 years of age and still managed to give her a pretty good future, even as a single mom.

The better thing would have been to give her up for adoption, because 1) married adults could have given her a better homes; 2) she clearly regrets missing out on her younger years, as we’ll see, and; 3) she makes bad decisions, as we’ll see.

Unfortunately, her mother has made some obvious passes at me. It started with affectionate behavior and light flirtation, which included playful allusions to my former lovers and how they were her age rather than her daughter's.

And she knows about that because??? You told her? Mistake. Her daughter told her? That is none of her business – your trust was betrayed. I know it is common for a lot of girls to do this with their girlfriends, sisters, and mothers, but it isn’t right.

Do you really want to be with a young woman whose mother does such things? Think about that carefully, because this woman was her main role model, raising her alone. And I know something about this, because I was once infatuated with a girl, who it turns out wanted to be “just friends”, but her mother took up an interest in me.

Part of me is thinking "bail out," but I don't want to lose my girl.

That's because you are lazy and "getting some" regularly. Maybe she isn’t right for you, but you can't see that because you're thinking with your penis.

I also want to avoid damaging her relationship with her mother if at all possible.

Too bad her mother isn't as concerned.

She should be told what her mother did. What if it happens with the next guy, and the next guy?

Dear Margo responds:

Here's what you do to keep your girlfriend and not blow the whistle on her mother:

Yeah, notice that Margo agreed to your qualifications. You should move on, and you should tell the girl why.