High School Reunions and Keeping in Touch With Classmates

Does your high school class have reunions? Does your high school have general reunions or have an alumni association that does? Should you go to them?

With social media, we can keep in touch with any classmates or fellow alumni we want to. Still, there can be a social dynamic that happens with in-person mingling with a wider mix of classmates that can't happen on social media or meeting up with just a few classmates.

Obviously, if high school was hell for you because you had few friends or positive acquaintances, you don't have a good reason to go - other than to show off and rub it into the faces of those who mistreated you or rejected you that you're successful/happy now, if you are.

That brings me to three reasons why you might go, in no particular order.

1) To hook up

2) Business networking

3) To show off

If you'd have to travel, you have to think if it is worth it. Reunions, like Proms, have been given mythical status by Hollywood, but for most people they don't amount to much of anything.

Have a bunch of old friends you want to get together? You can set that up outside of an official reunion.

Whether wanting to hook up, get a job, or sell something, you can have an edge simply because you went to the same high school (which usually means, simply because of where your parents chose to live at that time).

Let's talk about hooking up.

The Prom is For Girls and Gays

We’re facing Prom season again.

Every year, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and this entry on increasingly showy proposals for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay or trans and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex or wearing a dress, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take a girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:

Women Need to be Romanced

 

Husbands, how often have you heard that if only you were more sensitive, caring, romantic, did more around the home, and jumped through any number of hoops, your wife would be willing to have sex with you more often? Haven't you heard that women need to be pursued and romanced over the course of the whole day in order to get turned on?

Exhibit A, your Honor: A recent [this entry has been bumped up from April 2018] letter to Dear Abby.

UNWORTHY IN THE MIDWEST wrote:

I am a 17-year-old senior and have been dating the same boy for two years.

High schoolers shouldn't do that. Not exclusively, anyway. Guys, you don't need a girlfriend while you're trying to get educated.

A month ago, he told me he wanted to break up "because he needed some time to figure out what he wanted."

Translation: "I want to figure out if I want to have another girl as my girlfriend, primarily by sticking my penis in her."

I was devastated but agreed. Two weeks later, he told me he was sorry and he loves me.

Translation: "I couldn't get the other girl or she's not as good at sex or sexually compatible with me as you are."

We are back together now, but the weekend after our breakup,

Hours or days after the breakup.

I went to visit a college girlfriend. We went to a party and I ended up having sex with a boy I didn't even know.

Here are the really big questions, men:

How much romancing did that boy do?
How much of her laundry did that boy do?
How much did he prove that he could take care of her, protect her, provide for her?
Did he ever take out the trash?
Did he ever wash the dishes?
Did he ever buy her flowers?
Did he set up a candlelit dinner?
Did he even buy her dinner?
How much money do you think he spent on her?

You get the idea. He didn't do any of that, and yet she did him.

Somehow, she was able to have sex without any of that romance or helping out. And she's not a freak. This is very typical.

I feel guilty and unworthy. What should I do? If I tell my boyfriend, I'm sure I'll lose him for good. If I don't tell him, I'll always worry that he will find out from someone else.

You're 17! Are you going to go to the same college as this boyfriend?

He has a lot to learn if he thinks she wasn't getting some, especially since he was probably getting some or trying really hard to (or had already, when he broke up with her). Guys, expect that within hours after you break up, she's getting some. Come to think of it, you shouldn't assume  or count on her having only been with you while you were a couple anyway.

Surprisingly in this age of "me too", Dear Abby didn't tell the LW she was raped. Even if the age of consent is 16 or 17 where she was (and we don't know it was), she was probably drinking.

Congrats to the Guys Who Avoided the Prom and Promposals

If you were enjoying your time in high school, you might be bummed that it was abruptly ended for you, especially if you were a Senior.

But guys, at least you have avoided The Prom and, hopefully, an embarrassing Promposal.

You're better off.

The Prom Is For Girls and Gays

Here we are again. I'm hearing about The Prom again and Promposals. Ugh.

Every year now, I note this ritual, which has become another day, along with "Sweet Sixteen" (or other birthdays for certain cultures, at 13, 15, etc.) and wedding days (the the related events) that are all about feeding the narcissism and sense of entitlement of attention-whores and attention-whores-in-training.

Refer back to my "Beware the Prom", and this look at a Dear Abby column, and this look at a different Dear Abby column and now this entry on increasingly showy proposals for dates.

Stop it, guys! Unless you're gay and want to rub it into the noses of some uptight school staff or parents by taking someone of the same sex, you don't really want to go to a dance, do you? You don't really want to take girl to the prom, do you?

It a nutshell, here are my problems with the prom as it is these days:

1) Boys wasting money.

2) Another event where females are princess-ized, which is a problem as long as males are prevented, culturally/socially and often legally, from events that cater to them and are focused on them in a similar way. Go ahead and tell me... what event gives boys the equivalent of the prom, where the activities are all about things he wants to do, with the boys dressing the way they want to dress, the girls dressing the way the boys want them to dress, the girls paying for it and escorting the boys, and where the boys will go hang out with their friends during the event?

If you already have a date for the prom, break up with her. If you were planning to ask a girl, especially with some elaborate production, don't!

Some of you guys think that taking a girl to the prom means she will have sex with you. If she hasn't had sex with you yet, paying her way and being her display piece for the prom almost certainly will NOT make it happen. If she really is the kind of girl who will finally have sex  with you because you took her to the prom, it's probably not worth it. You're far better off going straight to one of the "after parties". But even then, you're just asking for trouble, even more so if she's underage (even if YOU are underage). 

You're better off doing something else that night, even staying home and sleeping. If you're a very bad boy, you might want to track down a neighborhood "single" mom whose daughter is off to the prom that night and it has her (the mom) feeling nostalgic and over the hill. Just be careful or you'll end up a very young father.

Knocking Up Teacher

Melissa Pamer and Tony Shin at NBC’s Los Angeles O & O has this story which has been all over the news around here:

A Redlands high school teacher accused of having a baby allegedly fathered by a teen student pleaded not guilty Tuesday to 41 counts of sex and oral copulation with a minor.

Laura Elizabeth Whitehurst, 28, was arrested July 1 after the mother of a Citrus Valley High student contacted school officials about the suspected relationship between her son and the English teacher.

She was charged Monday with crimes alleged to have involved the boy -- who was 16 when the relationship began, according to police -- and two other teen students who are now adults.

Later:

Authorities said Whitehurst had given birth June 18 to a baby fathered by the student with whom she had had a nearly year-long affair. The boy attended the baby’s birth, according to court documents.

Later:

Then, at least two other men came forward and said they had had sexual relations with Whitehurst in 2007 and 2008.

One of the alleged victims spoke to NBC4 Southern California, saying he never felt victimized but wanted to share his story so that others might come forward to tell police about their experiences with Whitehurst.

Finally:

Whitehurst is charged with 30 counts of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor, and 11 counts of oral copulation of a person under 18.

If convicted as charged, Whitehurst could face up to 29 years in state prison, the District's Attorney's Office said.

So there's yet another criminal case that's hit the news lately about a young female teacher "having sex" with multiple minor male students. Unless the teacher is decidedly unattractive (this latest one isn't), one of the common responses to this is along the lines of:

Now, Bark Like a Seal

Some people who have shacked up for years and have kids plan these elaborate weddings, complete with a white dress. And have you seen any of those elaborate flash-mob-dancing wedding proposals?

Yeah, well, it is getting worse.

Teresa Watanabe reports at LATimes.com about a high school senior named Alex Hom asking a freshman by the name of Brooke Drury to the winter formal dance. This is at South Pasadena High School in California. That city is often referred to as Mayberry, yet is home to a lot of Hollywood people (some famous actors have attended that public high school, including at least one Oscar winner I can think of.) So if it can happen there, it can happen anywhere, as evidenced by the rest of the article.

So he rounded up more than 20 friends, supplied them with red roses, choreographed a dance routine and wrote out his plea on signs. Then he had a friend bring Brooke, blindfolded, to a spot on campus for the big production.

"I thought, this is my senior year and I gotta go out with a bang," Alex said.

He's not the only student elevating the art of the school dance invitation.

Students are folding the question into homemade fortune cookies, tucking it into pinatas, knitting it into scarves, spelling it out with pepperoni on pizza and orange chicken on fried rice.

There are animal-themed invitations, using live puppies and turtles as messengers.

Ugh.

Camille Santos, Van Nuys High's student body vice president, recalled one student who dressed up as a knight and got a friend to dress up as a dragon to "attack" his prospective date. Then he rode onto the scene on the back of another friend dressed as a steed, "slayed" the dragon and popped the question.

"We live in a generation where flashy is good, bigger is better," said Camille, whose boyfriend placed his invitation to prom two years ago inside a rhinestone-studded fortune cookie box after dinner at a Chinese restaurant.

"We want to be seen. We want the world to know how romantic we are."

TMW. Too much work. Especially for a high school dance. This is stuff you do for a wife. If a guy does this kind of thing and she doesn't react well, he could easily be accused of being a stalker or a sexual harasser.

I won't even get into the potential problem of a 12th grader (who can often be 18 years old) taking a 9th grader (who can often be 13 years old) on a date. That's nothing new. Way back in the Dark Ages when I was in high school there were those girls who went to all of the formal dances starting in their freshman year, asked by seniors. But a senior asking them used to be impressive enough.

There's a line between being endearing and romantic and being narcissistic or beta.

Yeah, the kids in the article had some cute ideas.

But the larger issue I see with this trend towards more showy and elaborate schemes for not just marriage proposals but now high school dates is that it is a reaction to the flip side, which is the prevalence of casual and promiscuous sex. Today, guys can get sex from many girls for little or no effort and no strings attached. So the more hoops guys are made to jump through to go the traditional route, the more guys will go the other way instead. Aside from getting to see lots of hits for their online video, how many of these guys have more fun on the evening in question than the guy who just shows up at an after party, not having spent any time or money on the event at all?

Yes, men tend to value things for which we work, but if we perceive the escalating requirements are frivolous or simply about feeding egos, we may bow out. We'll work by saving up money, dating a woman to get to know her, and buying an expensive ring, but if we have to hire some Broadway director and choreographer to ask a question, something is very, very wrong.

Checking Up On Your Classmates

Men and women are different, and life works out accordingly.

Ladies, you’re three paths towards making it to “the good life”:

1. Being born into it (over which you didn’t have control) and not squandering it (over which you do have control).

2. Serving the needs and wants of others in financial transactions (employment, investments).

3. Attracting and marrying a successful man before your looks fade too much, and keeping him for the rest of your life, or at least long enough for the laws of your state or the provisions of a prenup to leave you well off.


If this stark reality sounds awful, look at it this way: It is one more option than men have. Academia and the workplace are now oriented towards the needs and tendencies of women. Female CEOs earn more than male CEOs. The workplace is your oyster.

The good news for men is that it is still true that a man's attracting ability tends to increase as he gets older, at least into old age, while a woman's attracting ability tends to decrease. That's because when it comes to initial attraction, men are visual and women want a man with money, power, and/or fame (or "security and confidence", but it is the same thing thing).

Guys, if you're in your later 30s or older, you can have a good laugh by looking up your high school classmates (Facebook) or especially by attending a 20-year, 25-year, or 30-year reunion. Time (and calories) haven't been kind to most of the girls who were considered the most beautiful and were ever so popular when I was in high school. There are a couple of exceptions, to be sure, and there are those girls who were awkward in high school who became beautiful, poised, confident (and more than capable) women. But there are women who wouldn't give me the time of day back when we were in high school who are unrecognizable now, and not in a good way. And if they got used to getting by on their looks, they're in trouble now. I can honestly say that my wife, who didn't go to my school (and if she had, it would have been after I had graduated anyway... heh heh), is easily more beautiful than any of my high school classmates.

More importantly, though, is that she's an excellent wife in most and important respects. Reading some of the Facebook updates, I can see that some of my classmates aren't or wouldn’t be.

I'm so glad I didn't get into a "high school school sweethearts" thing with one of those girls and get married. Ugh. I shudder at the thought.

Thank you, Lord, for saying "No!" to my foolish, childish prayers back then.

High School Kid Mourns Over What Is Not Yet Lost

LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND IN LOUISIANA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a junior in high school and will graduate next year. I attend a private school where I have made many good friends -- teachers included -- and have created many happy memories.

I have just been hit with the realization that my time in high school is running out. Once I leave for college, I may never see or talk to my friends here again. I can't process the thought of having such great friends and mentors and losing them. I'm afraid for the future and how I will miss everything I've experienced at my school.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with all this? I can barely sleep because I feel like it's only going to get worse.

I can identify with this kid. I felt much the same way, although not to the point of losing sleep. But as a teen, I never was one of those who were just dying to get older. I realized that I was only going to be 13, 14, 15, etc. once. That the moment I was in was not going to last. That life comes to an end. Stopping to smell the roses is a good idea, while still planning for the future.

This kid actually has an advantage. A lot of classmates haven’t really stopped to consider the implications. Or they are so miserable they just can’t want to get out and get away.

Unlike when I was that age, online communications are such that you never really have to lose touch anyone who wants to keep in touch. My advice would be to spend some time with these people one-on-one or in small groups (peers, I’m talking about – not adults), and set down the groundwork for an ongoing friendship. Make the effort to keep in touch. Everyone’s busy right now with their crushes and with trying to finish school and get into the college of their choice, so an effort has to be made to keep in contact.

Keep a contact list, complete with things like birthdays and notes about someone’s family and interests. Social networking sites pretty much do this for you already.

Consider setting up a desk with nice stationary, a nice pen, envelopes, special stamps and address labels, and actually writing these people through snail mail. Or, do it electronically.

Don't be surprised, though, if you only keep in contact with a handful of people. Some people are lazy about staying in touch, or they get so wrapped up in their education and career and significant other that they don't have the time. Or, you'll find that there really wasn't much to the relationship other than your shared geography, institution, and age... and that won't be enough.

As far as the teachers and other adults, approach them when the professional relationship is ending, and let them know you admire them and appreciate what they’ve done (a gift might be a good idea) and let them know you’d like to keep in contact. Most teachers especially like it when former students drop by to offer some encouragement.

High School Girl Stabs Another Over a Boy

Dang it, I don't think any girls even argued over me when I was in high school.

From what I understand, this isn't a bad neighborhood, either.

Teen Sex and School

The headline to Alicia Chang’s Associated Press story was "Teen Sex Not Always Bad For School Performance". This is based on reports from teen boys to their parents. Okay, not really – it is being reported by the American Sociological Association. But yeah, I would imagine it isn't bad for school performance if there is no tension, suspense, or coercion; no loss of reputation; no nasty rumors, pictures, or video of the deed circulating; no hearts broken, sexually transmitted infections, or pregnancy.

But how much teen sex really falls into that narrow category?

A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex.

Very, very few teens are in relationships that are, in fact, committed. Just because they are only having sex with one person over the course of a few weeks doesn't mean there is a commitment.

The same isn't true for teens who "hook up."

Duh.

Researchers found that those who have casual flings get lower grades and have more school-related problems compared with those who abstain.

What isn't a causal fling when you're sixteen?

Teens in serious relationships may find social and emotional support in their sex partners, reducing their anxiety and stress levels in life and in school.

You can have that without sex.

"This should give some comfort to parents who may be concerned that their teenage son or daughter is dating," said sociologist Peggy Giordano of Bowling Green State University, who had no role in the research. Teen sex is "not going to derail their educational trajectories," she said.

Having a baby might. Or bleeding and infection from an abortion.

Last year, nearly half of high school students reported having sexual intercourse, and 14 percent have had four or more partners, according to a federal survey released this summer.

This means that over half aren't having sexual intercourse. You’d never know that by listening to those who want to sexualize our youth. (Now, sure, a lot of the rest are doing other sexual things, but at least not intercourse.)

Teens in serious relationships did not differ from their abstinent counterparts in terms of their grade-point average, how attached they are to school or college expectations. They were also not more likely to have problems in school, be suspended or absent.

Maybe the kind of teen who tends to be in "serious" relationships were able to attract someone else into that relationship because they already have those qualities.

Compared with virgins, teens who have casual sex had lower GPAs, cared less about school and experienced more problems in school.

Hmmm, I wonder why that wasn't the headline?

Teens who have sex - whether it's a serious or casual relationship - were at higher risk of being truant and dropping out compared with teens who don't have sex.

Well of course. When do you think they're having the sex?

"Having sex outside of a romantic relationship may exacerbate the stress youths experience, contributing to problems in school," Grodsky said.

Huh huh... you said "exacerbate"... huh huh...

The study dispels the notion that all teen sex is bad, said Marie Harvey, professor of public health at Oregon State University.

Of course not all teen sex is bad. Some teens are married.

High School Girl Needs a Lesson in Reality

Ah, the drama of schoolgirl romances. This is one of many examples of where a frank talk with a good father would be very helpful. TEEN IN MERCED, CALIF wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 17 and have been dating "Raymond" for two years.

If you've been seeing him exclusively, that's not good. You are too young for that kind of relationship, unless you live in the boonies in one of those towns were everyone goes to the same church, and you have no desire to ever leave. I don't think Merced qualifies.

The thing that concerns me is we aren't supposed to be attracted to other people, but I think he is.

Where in the world did you get the idea that you aren't supposed to be attracted to other people? Of course he is attracted to other people. If you aren't, something might be wrong.

During arguments he has thrown other girls in my face.

You mean he picks them up and throws them in your face? Wow!

Okay, so I think what you mean is that he mentions other girls. If he is about your age, this is an example of how he is too young to be an exclusive boyfriend.

That really hurt, and I can't get over it.

Then dump him. He's not ready.

I think he's attracted to other girls, but he doesn't want me to be attracted to other guys.

We get it – you are both immature. He doesn't want to hear you talking about other guys. He doesn't have to know what you are thinking.

Can you please give me some advice?

Break up.

I'd really like to know what's going on inside his head.

You asked for it...

1. Hot women
2. What hot women look like naked
3. Sex with those women
4. What women he's seen in person look like naked
5. Sex with those women
6. I wish she would shut up.
7. Will my favorite team win it all this year?
8. How can I get around that one sticking point in [insert name of favorite game here]?
9. I hope that they make another sequel to [insert popcorn action movie title here], only good.
10. Damn, those are some cool wheels. I want to get one of those!
11. Is there a meaning to life?

Are his eyes for me only?

No. Get used to it. A more mature and experienced guy who really cares about your feelings will do his best to avoid mentioning that fact that he still enjoys the sight of other women, but at least for the next several years, the guys you date won't be very good at hiding it.

Dear Abby responded:

It's normal for men -- and women, by the way -- of all ages to be attracted to people other than their mate. However, those with good character resist the urge to act on it.

Exactly.

You became involved with Raymond at a very young age, which has prevented both of you from having the normal kinds of dating experiences that are supposed to happen in high school.

For some people, it isn’t normal to date in high school at all.

Long Distance Relationships From High School

This is the time of year that so many high school seniors face questions about the future of their relationships. COLLEGE-BOUND wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am an 18-year-old high school senior who will be leaving for college soon.

Congratulations.

My boyfriend, also a senior, will be leaving, too.

Good for him.

We have been going out for the past two years and trust each other completely.

I know there are exceptions, but generally, I think it is best that high schoolers don't have an exclusive boyfriend or girlfriend. I say that as someone who, at the time, thought it was supposed to be that way – that you found a girlfriend and stuck with that relationship as long as possible. Sixty, seventy years ago, living in a farm community, maybe. But really, I think it limits a teen more than it grows them. As a parent, I will be encouraging my own children to do things in groups. And no, I don’t mean group sex.

We attended different schools, so we are both fairly adapted to a "long-distance relationship."

Going to different high schools in the same or adjoining cities doesn't really count as distance.

The problem is I will be going to college in Florida while he will be staying in Michigan. Neither of us wants to break up, but we understand the enormous changes that will be taking place soon…What are the chances of a long-distance relationship like this working out?

Not good. Are you having sex regularly with this guy? If so, do you really think he'll stop having sex on a regular basis, especially with girls hooking up on campus these days with no strings attached? You see, he's not having sex because it is you. He's having sex because it is him. On the flip side, you're going to be meeting thousands of new guys your age – some from around the world, some a little older, who are going to be asking you out. Do you really want to turn down a nice dinner, or a concert, or some other date with a guy you find interesting and attractive because there's a guy in Michigan you'll see maybe three times a year?

Even if both of you are virgins and plan to wait for marriage, it won't be practical to keep an exclusive long term relationship. At that age, I don't recommend exclusivity even if you're on the next street over.

Sometimes, due to military service or some other occupation, married couples have to spend a long time apart. But they're married and established adults. A boyfriend at 18 or 19 is not a husband.

How about making an agreement that you'll go out with each other, if you still want to, when you are in the same place, whether that is Michigan, Florida, or home – and that you will not talk about your dates with other people?

Your priorities right now should be focusing on your studies and maybe getting a job to pay your bills or get your foot in the door of your chosen career. You'll be learning a lot about yourself and what you need in a spouse, or if you even want to get married.

Dear Abby's advice is pretty good. But that's what they pay her for, right?

Prom Time Again

It’s that time of the year again. Prom. I've written about it before. ENCOURAGING MOM wrote in to Dear Abby:

My son "Matt" is a junior in high school. He says he's not attending the junior/senior prom this year because he doesn't have anyone special to go with.

Maybe he just doesn't want to go. In American culture of the Anglo subset, dancing is not really something straight guys are into. On the other hand, if Matt isn't straight, maybe he just doesn't want to deal with either going with a girl or trying to take another boy.

I tried to explain that his date doesn't have to be a "girlfriend," that she can just be a friend.

Look, lady, most boys these days only going to the prom hoping it will lead to some action. Why does he want to be responsible (including financially) for a girl he isn't even going to kiss?

I told him he could also go with a bunch of guys who don't have dates.

Or, those guys could go do something they really want to do.

I know later on in life Matt will regret not having gone to the prom, and I'm sad about his decision.

Not necessarily. It's not the same for guys. Hey, as great of a filmmaker as he was, life isn't a John Hughes film. High school isn't the end-all be-all of life for most people, and the prom isn't all it is cracked up to be, especially by magazines that are trying to sell stuff to teen girls.

Should I make him go even though he doesn't want to, hoping he has a good time when he gets there? Or should I drop the issue and respect his wishes even if he's making a mistake?

Drop it.

Matt is 17 and not particularly social, and I think that's why he doesn't want to go.

Events like the prom can be depressing for someone who is "not particularly social". Most likely, he'll sit around with some classmates and listen to their conversations while he sees girls for whom he's had crushes dancing with their dates. Or, if he's really "lucky", he'll get maimed by a drunk classmate or get himself into a situation where he's accused of sexual assault.

Dear Abby responded:

There is a fine line that separates an encouraging mom from a mom who is overbearing. Your son is only a junior, and will have a chance next year to change his mind and attend the prom as a senior.

Good point.

Frankly, I have never had a man write me or tell me that looking back on his high school years he regretted missing a dance.

And you know she'll print them if they come in, now. I actually am glad I went to my prom my junior year, because I went with an older girl who was a friend of the family. Nothing happened (nothing much happened in my love life until a few years later), but since she got sick and passed away many years later, in her early 30s, it was nice to have had that time with her. I wouldn't feel the same way if she was still alive. My senior year – eh. I could have done without that. Then again, I was no drinker and my high school days were during the AIDS scare and before the modern hookup culture got underway.

Yet again, I saw no mention of a father in the letter. Is there a pattern here?

Check out my previous entries about the prom.

Leaving the Brat Behind

The earlier in life problem person turns his life around, the better. LOVESICK IN KENNEWICK, WASH. wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 16-year-old guy in my sophomore year of high school. I am known as a friendly, outgoing guy who gets along with girls.

Great.

My problem is, I used to be one of the biggest jerks who ever was. I was involved in fighting and other things I won't go into. But I turned my life around.

Good for you.

In my youth, I got into scuffles with one guy who was a year older/ahead of me in school. We used to be on the same team in a sport outside of school. When I was in eighth grade, and thus my last year of junior high, his parents shipped him off somewhere. But I didn't notice, as people were joining and dropping off the team all of the time, and I just assumed he was busy over at the high school in 9th grade.

After I got to high school, there he was – because he was only gone for a year. I didn't have problems with him anymore, but that change really didn't hit me at first. The pieces were put together when we had this big two-day motivational seminar at school. No kidding – in addition to all of the assemblies telling us we should have self-esteem, that we should be nice to each other, and that we shouldn't do drugs – we took TWO DAYS of a break in classes to have a bunch of feel-good pow-wows. One of those was this big session in the gym where half the school was having a group hug while the other half was taking various "classes" (like one on how to use condoms). I suppose these things were supposed to make up for driving references to Christianity away and telling us we're nothing but mutated slime. But, of course, they couldn't tell us why we should feel good about life and be nice – just that we should.

But I digress from my digression.

So in this big group hug session, some stranger who got paid big bucks spoke for a while, telling us we were all okay, and we should be nice to each other. Mind you, I never touched drugs, but this stuff could have driven me to try them. Since he didn't want to do any more work than he was required to, the speaker then had an open mic session to let students, who were not being paid, get up and pour out their hearts in front of half of the school (or, at least, half the school minus those who were ditching).

Up to the mic went my old sparring partner, who thanked everyone for noticing he was a different person since he came back from his time away. It finally all made sense to me. I guess I had figured had simply matured while in 9th grade, but it was more than that. His parents sent him somewhere to – I don’t know... deal with his issues, learn anger management, figure out which drugs to take... I have no idea. I don't know if he was at military school, mental hospital, Chinese slave labor camp, or some secret isolated religious camp. Whatever they did, it worked. At least, it did for the next few years. I have no idea what became of this guy after high school. For all I know he had his penis cut off and got boob implants and female hormones. I tried to look him up online, but it turns out there are a lot of people with that name, and most of the Facebook hits don't have pictures and do not reveal any info.

What I do know is that he didn't cause any trouble for anyone the rest of his time at high school. ...Or, maybe he learned to privately kill all of his enemies and dispose of the evidence so that nobody caught on.

As for me, I used to get into trouble mostly when I was in elementary school. I got better in junior high, and even better in high school, to the point where I'd stuff my emotions and even let people assault me rather than losing my temper and responding... becaue that would be "fighting" and wrong.

Anyway, the point of this digression is that kids can change.

I was going out with an amazing girl, "Samantha." She always kept me in line, but was sweet about it. Recently, because I was ashamed of my past, I lied to her. She found out about it and, needless to say, she was very hurt. When I saw how hurt she was, I was sick to my stomach knowing how much pain I had caused such a trusting girl.

It could be a good sign that he was sick to his stomach – it could mean that he has a conscience and hated that he hurt her. Or, he could be feeling guilty about his past and upset that it still haunts him.

I don't know much about where he lives – only what's on Wikipedia. But most likely, he's not going to see much of this girl once they graduate. He doesn't say whether or not they are having sex. Based on what was printed of his letter and what wasn't printed, he sounds like he could be falling into the "friend" category with all the girls at the school, and that could be a problem if he stays in that pattern into his adult years and then tries to look for a wife, or puts himself in the clutches of some schemer.

My best advice would be for this kid to avoid sex at that age anyway, focus on studies, hobbies, family, and his MALE friends, and don't be so serious with any of the girls at the school. He appears to really care about this girl, and she sounds like a decent human being, so he should apologize to her, tell her he's changed (as she should be able to see), and that he still has a hard time with his past following him around and shaming him. And do both himself and this girl a favor by not getting so deep with her.

My guess is that this guy doesn't have an available father, which would help explain the past behavior and his writing to freakin' Dear Abby with this question rather than getting what he needed from his old man.

It's Prom Time Again

After dispensing advice to a nanny whose charge is emotionally neglected by her parent, Dear Abby brings us this in a recent edition.

UNDECIDED TEEN wrote, making me glad high school is a distance memory:

I'm a junior in high school and have never had any romantic experience.

Too many people perpetuate the idea that this is a problem. I sure thought it was. I had limited "romantic experience" and thought it wasn't enough. Kids are bombarded with the idea in media that everyone at that age is supposed to be in a relationship, or at least "getting some". Really, they should be focusing on their studies, hobbies, friends, and, as much as they don't want to – family. After all, they'll soon be out of the home. Any "dating" should be in supervised groups.

It wasn't a big deal when I was a freshman, but now as the prom approaches, I'm starting to get anxious about the possibility of being dateless.

Ah, yes. The prom is everything. Magazines and websites targeted towards girls this age, funded by advertisers, place a lot of emphasis on the importance of having a perfectly romantic (= expensive) prom.

My friend "Terri" says you don't have to have a date, but I am still skeptical.

Your friend is right. Heck, you don't have to go the prom at all.

Although it might be fun going with Terri and other friends, who am I supposed to share a slow dance with? I'd feel awkward sitting there while everyone else danced. And I would feel uncomfortable if a guy I didn't know asked me to dance.

I'm against fornication because it leads to dancing.

I love that joke.

Unless this girl has a moral objection to dancing, she should get over it. How else is ever going to meet and spend time with the all-important gay male friends? Seriously, she sounds painfully shy. She needs to know that a dance, as long as it isn't freakdancing, is just a dance. And if he tries anything, she should firmly assert boundaries, with a well-placed knee if needed.

Dear Abby finished her response with:

Unless you're willing to take some risks and put yourself out there, you will never get any romantic experience.

Yes. While some young women these days are way too immodest and aggressive, there are a small minority that put up every indication that they don't want any romantic male attention, claiming that God will make it happen. I notice these girls do lift the food to their own mouths though, somehow not trusting God to feed them the same way they are "trusting" God to bring them a husband.

This girl doesn't sound like she falls into either of those categories. She's simply shy, maybe because she hasn't had wholesome positive reinforcement, and perhaps has been focused on her studies. She needs female friends or relatives to show her how to handle these things in a way that will not be too uncomfortable for her, and some frank talk from some males in the family about that the guys are likely thinking.

I was very shy myself. It was a huge deal for me to approach a girl. It made it easier if she was a flirt or at least placed herself in a situation where it was easier to approach her. I had prom dates for both my junior and senior years, though, so I didn't need to approach anyone at the prom – I just had to make the initial approach of arranging for the date.

As for the horny boys who have gotten the idea from the media that the prom means guaranteed sex as long as they spend a lot of money, it is best for them to be disabused of that notion as early as possible, or it will cost them for years. It will be just as easy (if not easier) for them to hook up at an after-prom party without ever going to the prom itself. No need to shell out all of that cash and endure the hassle.

I do discourage underage sex as a matter of principle, but I don't think the boys who are going to do it should make the added mistake of wasting their money doing something they aren't really interested in doing.

Beware the Prom

It’s that time of the year again. Magazines like Seventeen thrive on this. It’s prom season. Yes, it’s that ritual that, like high school in general, has been amazingly overblown by a media fixation. Kids are conditioned to believe that missing the prom would be missing out on an important rite of passage, and that this is an event that requires spending to the hilt. Only a loser would miss it and not go “in style”, right? Not going will cause a lifetime of regret!

For many girls prom is like practicing for their wedding – they pick out a special dress, they have a guy spend a lot of money on them and dance with them, and they get treated like a princess. It’s all about them. Only, this time, unlike their wedding, there are a bunch of other girls also going through the same thing. Just like weddings, many guys go along with it thinking there will be sex when it is over.

Don’t believe this is really all about the girls?

--How much media targeted at teenaged boys focuses on the prom?
--When do boys ever like getting dressed up for a social event?
--What boy spends a significant amount of time picking out something to wear to the prom?
--What boy looks forward to dancing in a formal with school officials monitoring?

I rest my case. This is all about the girls. The same girls who are already having a huge deal made about them at their Bat Mitzvah, Quinceanera, and Sweet Sixteen parties. Heck, the hot girls, barring effective parental objection, get to go to the prom four years in a row.

Hey, that’s fine. But teenaged girls can work now, just the same as boys. So perhaps the girls should be covering the costs of prom?

Boys should really think long and hard about whether or not they want to go the prom, especially if they will be paying. Perhaps they've accepted it as "something you do." But they shouldn't. Gay boys may want to go to make a statement by dancing together - that's still shocking and bold in some places, apparently. But as for straight boys… if they don’t really want to, they shouldn’t. It’s really not all it is cracked up to be, at least not for boys. If they are going because they think it will lead to sex, well, they’re better off just showing up at one of the after-parties.

Of course, if a boy is in a relationship, it will be hard for him to avoid going. However, high school boys really shouldn’t be in relationships in the first place. They should be focusing on their studies, sports, and hobbies, and casually dating around to help them learn more about themselves and what kind of girls they like and interact with well. Being in a relationship in high school is too stifling and subject to too much distracting drama.

I don’t condone fornication. I especially don’t condone fornicating with someone under the age of consent, or when you are a high school student who can ill afford to risk being a parent. However, if a boy is going to indulge his hormones, he should at least protect himself and his wallet as much as possible. So, to those boys I offer this:

1) Try to avoid going to the prom. Go to an afterparty instead.
2) If you must go, try to get her to pay (they really want to go, and just might be desperate enough to pay),... or go stag.
3) Make sure you have “protection” and that you can use it effectively.
4) If she ever says “no”, “don’t”, or “stop”, stop immediately, regardless of what she is doing, and leave. Do not continue, do not sit there to "talk". Get the heck out of there and pray she doesn't make up a false accusation.
5) Do not be surprised if she gets psycho on you afterwards, rumors are circulated about you, you come down with something painful, or you get a “guess what, I’m pregnant” call over the summer.

Kathy M. Kristof gives tips in the Los Angeles Times about cutting prom costs.

David Lee, 18, figures he'll spend $400 to $450 to participate in an annual rite of spring -- the senior prom. And he's only half of the equation.

While Lee picks up the tab for the prom, dinner and limo, his date is likely to shell out an equal amount for her dress, hair and makeup. That makes the couple's senior prom roughly a $1,000 evening.

Is it really worth it? I don’t think so.

Lee says he's tried to cut costs at proms and other formal and semiformal events. The problem, he says, is that the girls call the shots: where to eat, what limo to rent, where to go afterward. "Our dates, who don't have the burden of paying for it, usually make the bulk of the decisions."

The girls don't exactly dictate, he adds, but "their opinions weigh heavily on what we decide to do."

Then simply let her pay. Grow some testicles. If you pay, you call the shots. If she wants to call the shots, she pays. What's the worse that can happen? She dumps you? Fine. Aren't you going off to different colleges in a few months anyway?

Men need to stick up for boys and come up with an alternative to prom or perhaps a reciprocal celebration. Kind of like how “Steak and BJ Day” is the reciprocal to Valentine’s Day. The difference is, though, that S&BJ Day is perfectly fine for married men, but like I said, I wouldn’t want to encourage fornication, especially in teens. Hmmm… maybe a day where the guys get to use the latest gaming consoles on the biggest televisions, while the girls do barbecue for them? And no talking about the relationship or where it is "going."