Do I Have A Moral Obligation To Warn My Wife About Divorce?

Let's assume that I decide that, once our youngest child is 18, which should be after they are done with high school, I'm going to file for divorce.

That's still years away.

In general, do husbands have a moral obligation to give advanced notice? How much in advance?

Do I have a moral obligation in particular?

Please note that I'm not talking about financial or legal strategy. I would talk to an accountant and an attorney about those things.

I'm talking about morality. Would I be morally obligated to tell her I'm going to file for divorce, and how far in advance would that obligation exist?

Keep in mind:



1) She married me under false pretenses and continued to hide the truth and deny the truth until after we had our children. I wouldn't have married her had she been honest and upfront. She still hasn't come clean entirely, but I know enough.

2) If I knew things were going to be like they are, I never would have married her.

3) There is no "other woman" and never has been. I would never remarry or live with another woman.

4) She's not meeting my needs. I've tried telling my wife what I need. She deflects, often turning things back on me, and says she can't do things better or differently, and things will often be worse after I attempt to tell her what I need. She's not going to change for the better, and even if she did, that won't make up for the decades I endured.

5) We've attended therapy/counseling together, but she's not interested in that anymore. I have an individual therapist.

6) California law and certain other things ensure she won't have to worry about money. She'll have enough to survive on her own, which she probably won't have to, as she would probably live with a sibling. I'll have to pay her the rest of my life, too.

7) The news could send her into a depressive episode and/or a psychotic break. There's never going to be a good time to do that as long as the children are minors, living at home, and dependent, and I'm not confident she wouldn't try to kill me, such as in my sleep or via poisoning. So, ideally, nobody else will be living "at home" when she gets the news; I'll be on my way out the door and the kids will be grown and out. She appears to be happy to have me as a husband (I take care of her, after all, and I'm usually easy to live with) and her parents and both sets of grandparents, despite their problems, all stayed married until death, so she'd probably see being divorced as shameful.

I see all of those as reasons I wouldn't have a moral obligation to warn her in advance. I mean, in a sense it would be nice for me to give her years of advance notice for her to make plans, but would I be morally obligated? Given point 7, one could argue I have a moral obligation to not warn her.

A reason why I might have a moral obligation to provide advance warning is that she is dependent on me. In addition to pretty much earning all of the income (again, she will be financially fine, as I will be forced to give her over half of everything plus pay alimony for life), I'm processing almost all the bills, managing our accounts, and doing most of the chores and errands. I place and receive phone calls on her behalf and I do the cooking. But that can all be addressed without giving her advanced warning, can't it? I mean, if she doesn't kill herself or end up institutionalized, she'll almost certainly end up living with a sibling, and I know which one. And that sibling or someone else there can handle whatever she truly won't be able to do herself.

Of course, this question assumes we both live that long and that she doesn't file for divorce first.

What say you? Do I have a moral obligation to warn her if I will be divorcing her once the kids are grown, and how far in advance? Is it better I don't tell her until the day I leave?  Comment below.

(I can't call Dr. Laura with this question as there's a chance someone listening to her show would recognize my voice.)