The Independent Man

This is the time of year Americans celebrate Independence Day.

But so many people are needlessly dependent.

They are dependent on a spouse.

They are dependent on government.

They are dependent on a substance humans don't need to consume to live.

They are dependent on one or two employers.

Some level of interdependence is necessary for most people. If you don't grow all of your own food, housing, and clothing materials, you trade in order to have those things.

And not everyone can be cut out to be their own boss.

But right now, I'd like to acknowledge and celebrate the Free Men who are independent.

They are free to do what they want because they don't have a spouse, "exclusive" relationship, shared financial accounts, or dependent children.

They don't share their residence with anyone, especially not a woman.

They aren't addicted to booze, nicotine, or other recreational substances.

They have maintained enough health that they aren't dependent on caretakers and aren't restricted from normal life activities.

And they're either retired and/or wealthy enough to no longer have to answer to a boss, or they are their own boss.

Your independence is inspiring. More people should be doing what you've done and are doing. Enjoy your life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.

When the Nest Gets Empty

Guys, did you leave your marriage when your youngest child reached 18, graduated high school, or left the nest? Were you waiting for that to happen? Are you planning to leave when that happens? Did you consider it, but stayed? If you stayed, did you make changes to what you'd tolerate from your wife, or how you behaved?

You can share your experiences and thoughts in the comment area below. You can be anonymous if you'd like, or write a comment for me that you don't want published (make it clear you don't want it published, if you don't).

I ask those questions above because it is something I think about. I have kids to raise, and absent what I'd count as a "strike three," I decided to keep the family intact ant least until the youngest is a legal adult and done with high school.

But I'm not sure what I'll do after that. I figured there are four basic options for me:

Rob and Michele Reiner

As far as I know, I never met the Reiners. I have no direct knowledge how they were in private, on a personal level. Rob Reiner’s politics, for the most part, were different from mine. Clearly he cared and decided to get involved.

What I do know, and appreciate, is his prolific and highly effective work in television and movies. While he was an accomplished, lauded, and influential actor and director, even just his work as a producer was more than most people realize, and has impacted our culture.

If his longevity would have been anything like his father’s, he could have still been contributing to entertainment for decades to come.

But now he’s dead at 78, and so is his wife Michele (68), allegedly murdered by being stabbed to death by one of their sons.

If current allegations are true, the murderer had been in substance abuse rehab at least 17 times, had been homeless at times, and was a difficult person.

Imagine all of the time, money, heartache, worry, aggravation, frustration, pain, embarrassment, trouble, and shame Rob and Michele Reiner spent or endured over the last 20-30 years, trying to help their son. Imagine it ending with the terror, horror, and pain of being stabbed to death.

As of this writing, I don’t know what Nick’s defense narrative will be. A possible angle will be akin to another local case of double parental murders, the Menendez case: trashing dad as an abusive monster.

Think about this the next time someone insists the childfree will regret not being parents: Rob & Michele Reiner are unavaible for comment.

Also, despite this being Rob Reiner’s second marriage and second marriages with step kids in the mix, like this one, have a 70-percent divorce rate, this marriage didn’t end in divorce and won’t be counted in the divorce statistics. Divorce is just one way a marriage can end badly; this way was even worse.

Free men have a ZERO percent chance of being divorced or being murderered by their child.

Mark of the Day

Here's the fool, sucker, or mark of the day. In the September 22, 2022 Dear Abby column, RANKING LOW IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote:

My wife died two years ago. I met a woman shortly afterward.

Guys married for a long time who are widowed often make the mistake of quickly jumping into another marriage, not realizing that it is possible to thrive while free and if they had a good wife in their prior marriage, that's a rare thing.

We dated for a year, shared the same hobbies and were very intimate. We were inseparable.

Ah yes, that's what she wanted you to think.

Now, after a year of marriage, we don't do anything together, and she has put on 30 pounds.

That's bad enough, but it gets worse. So much worse.

Her three girls, who I was led to believe were independent at ages 20, 22 and 24, are actually supported in part by her.

NOPE NOPE NOPE! This is why FULL disclosure and customized prenups are  MUST if you're going to be foolish enough to legally marry.

Her 15-year-old son lives with us and just stays in his room playing on his computer. He gets food delivered and does no chores.

NEVER be with a woman who has minor children!!!

I make $250k a year. She works and earns about $50k, and I give her an allowance to help pay for her son's private school and whatever else she wants.

SUCKER!!! With that salary, he could have attracted childfree, younger, hotter women!

It's obvious that I'm not No. 1 in her life.

You won't be number one with any mother.

Since she just returned from a girls weekend (that I funded), I may not even be No. 2.

You're the walking ATM. She probably doesn't even like you.

My friends say I should run, that she's a gold digger who took advantage of me.

Your friends are right. Life doesn't have to be this way.

Dear Abby's answer included:

If you have any desire to save this marriage, tell your wife you are unhappy and offer her the option of counseling.

WRONG! There's no point to counseling. Consult an attorney NOW. If the place is your place, you're at risk of losing it. A good family law attorney can help you get out of this marriage with as little damage as possible. The laws are set up to SCREW YOU OVER. Every day that goes by without a separation or a divorce filed puts you further down a hole. What we have here is another woman who pretended as long as it took to get a sucker to sign on the dotted line (which wasn't long) and then she figured she had his balls and would live off of him, ignoring his needs. So there's no point to trying to make it work. We know what kind of woman she is.

Get free and STAY FREE. If you need female companionship, run game. Or, at least refuse to pay their way through life, and never let them move in with you.

Dr. Laura Gets a Lot of Calls From Shackups

Shacking up is so common and accepted these days that people who don't listen much to Dr. Laura might be surprised that she's against it, and how strongly she condemns it (as do I). She will even hang up on some male callers who are shacking up without bothering to let them ask their question. For other callers, she will usually make an example of them.

During the first hour of the Wednesday, February 27, 2019 show, she took a call from "Michelle" who said she has a boyfriend of a few years and she's moved in with him to what had been his former marital home. She had also been previously married. They both have grown children.

But before Michelle could really get that out, Dr. Laura started in.

Emptying the Nest

Many commentators I admire are aghast that so many parents allow their adult children to continue to live with them or allow them to move back in with them (such as after college). This is seen as part of what is making them "snowflakes".

The idea is that since children become legal adults at age 18, they should be out on their own at that age (and if they are done with high school or should be), and it is only allowable for them to continue to live at home, if it is at all, if they are going to college full time and, perhaps, also working part time. Dr. Laura also makes it clear they have to be following house rules, especially when it comes to not fornicating or allowing a boyfriend or girlfriend to stay over. The adult children are to be kicked out and all material/financial support ceased if it is known that such a rule has been violated. (If the parents do have such a rule Dr. Laura will tell them they should.)

Some parents hear this and are surprised, because they think it would be good for their adult children to live at home to build up financial stability rather than having to share a dump with roommates and struggle.

Dr. Laura sees virtue in that struggle, and she cites her own experiences at that age.

There's a potential problem citing the past, however.

Privacy For Nuclear Families and Empty Nesters

Dr. Laura has this thing in which she says once the youngest kid is 18, they should be be out. She's also against adult siblings and elderly parents moving in to a husband & wife home or even onto their property in a separate dwelling. She says this is because the husband and wife need their privacy.

I scratch my head with this one. Almost everything Dr. Laura says makes a lot of sense, especially when you know her reasons. I don't recall hearing her reasons for this.

The grown kids should be out, from what Dr. Laura has said, for their own good. They need to spread their wings and get the hang of flying on their own. Adult siblings, like everyone else, should be able to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and live independently. As far the the elderly parent, I can't help but wonder if this is somehow related to Dr. Laura's own personal experience.

She doesn't say that, though. She says the husband and wife need their privacy.

I can understand that some people want their privacy. They want to live alone with their spouse and nobody else. Fantastic. They should have their privacy.

But she makes it as a blanket statement for everyone.

What if both spouses sincerely WANT the sibling or the parent(s) there?

My guess is that Dr. Laura's position is that, deep down, the unrelated spouse can't possibly want their sibling-in-law or parent-in-law living on the same property.*

Infidelity Hurts More People Than the Spouse

"Undecided" wrote in to Dear Margo:

My father cheated on my mother and acted as if he'd done nothing wrong.

Well, he did. However, have you considered the possibility that your mother broke her vows first, and you just don't know about it? Having sex with someone else is just ONE of many ways to break marital vows. It wouldn't excuse what you father did, but it might make you a bit more sympathetic.

Two decades later, he still hasn’t admitted any wrongdoing, which is typical of him.

This is ANOTHER problem, one that might be more significant than sexual fidelity.

Mom is happily remarried, and I’m basically over it. My relationship with Dad is now one of intermittent e-mail exchanges and the occasional phone call. What do you think about leaving it at that?

There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you don't expect him to admit to wrongdoing.

Dear Margo responded:

I'm not sure I see the problem here.

Right. She says she is fine with it, but is writing for advice, which indicates she might not be fine with it.

I'm for people doing what is comfortable.

Wow, nobody would ever exercise hard then or do hard classwork. I think she didn't mean it in that way, though. I'm for people doing what is comfortable as long as obligations and duties are being met.

As for his "admitting wrongdoing," it would be to your mother, not to you, that the apology is owed.

THIS is the reason I blogged this. I disagree. While a child is not entitled to know everything about their parents' marriage, when a parent with minor children violates their marital vows, they are not only doing wrong by their spouse. They are also doing wrong by their children and often many other people. People need to think about that more. They may be angry or resentful at their spouse, and tempted to go elsewhere and not think about the hurt to the spouse, but the kids are usually hurt, too.

What Did She Expect?

Why would a mom give a room to her unmarried daughter and the daughter's boyfriend for a weekend? MISERABLE MOM IN WISCONSIN wrote in to Dear Abby:

My adult daughter, "Suzie," spent the weekend at our home, bringing along her boyfriend of six months. This was "Liam's" first visit.

That was a mistake. He's not family and should not be staying in your home for the weekend if he is pursuing your daughter and you haven't met him before, or at least had him over before.

I allowed them to share Suzie's old bedroom, which we have converted into a family office.

That was a huge mistake on your part.

We keep a large futon in there for my daughter when she comes to visit. I didn't make a big deal out of where Liam and Suzie should sleep because I didn't want to embarrass them, and I was sure there would be no "hanky-panky" because our bedroom is right across the hall.

You're a wimp and a fool.

In the middle of the night I was awakened by Suzie's squeals and moans.

As my late grandmother once said, "I'm just glad you're having fun." I mean, what's the problem here? Do you object to your daughter fornicating, or is it okay for her to fornicate as long as she doesn't do it in your home... where you have given her a room with her boyfriend?

Fortunately, my husband is a sound sleeper.

He's a wimp, too, for allowing the sleeping arragements in the first place.

The next morning, while my husband was out on his daily run, I let the kids have it -- to the point of slapping Liam around a little. I told Suzie her actions were disrespectful and I was highly disappointed in her.

What did you expect after letting them share a room?

Do you think I overreacted?

Not really – you just reacted too late. Well, the slapping around is a bit much.

Did I silently give permission for such behavior by allowing them to share the same futon?

Yes.

And did Liam really think it would be OK to have sex in my home?

Your daughter did, and she knows you better than Liam. Maybe you are used to sharing a bed with a man and not having sex, but since your daughter is probably still trying to get this guy to buy her a ring, she isn't used to sharing a bed with him merely to sleep.

Dear Abby responded:

I will respond to your questions in reverse order. The answers are yes, yes and yes. And all of you owe each other an apology.

The writer owes them an apology for setting them up like that. Don’t let your unmarried children share a room on your dime, or in any other way that implies your consent.

I couldn't believe some of the things parents would do back in my wayward youth. With the girlfriend I was with the longest, there were multiple times her parents paid for us to have our own room on vacations.

When Grampa Avoids Being a Husband

Does anyone identify with this one? CONNOR'S G-MA IN VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

Our daughter gave birth to an adorable little boy three years ago.

Great!

We love "Connor" dearly, but my husband is obsessed with him. He wants our grandson at our house every weekend from the time we are done working on Friday until Sunday evening or Monday morning.

My husband wants to take Connor everywhere we go.

You didn't mention a son. You mention "chidren" in the letter, but perhaps you meant "daughters"? If you didn't havea son, it is entirely possible that your husband regrets not having one, and so he treats his grandson like a son. Being a parent of children of both sexes, there is a difference. A daughter is not loved any less by a father, but the father is going to have different kind of bond with a son. You also didn't mention a son-in-law. If there is no steady father in Connor's life, his grandfather might be trying to be that role model.

Abby, I love my grandson, but after raising our own children, I'd now like to focus on our lives and maybe have time for myself.

That brings me to the other possibility here. Your husband doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with you. Did you have much time together when you married before having your daughter? Has career kept him occupied most of this time? Sometimes, people get to this point in life - after the excitement of dating, a rush to get married becaue of a pregnancy, and the consuming routing of rasing children - and realize that they don't (or no longer) feel like they have common interests with their partners, or don't want to rely on their partner to fill their days. It could be no fault of your own, other than not ensuring you regularly had time alone together over the years. Or, if you've been difficult, he may not want to suffer you.

Most men, even at that age, want more time alone with their partner-in-lovemaking. Does he have health problems that inhibit sexual function? Does he have an unenthusiastic partner?

Dear Abby wrote:

You deserve time for yourself, so TAKE it. If your husband won't cooperate, schedule activities with some of your women friends. Do not allow yourself to be bullied into being an unwilling baby sitter because it isn't healthy for any of you.

I agree completely, but that only deals with part of the problem. It doesn't solve the aspect of what to do when she wants time alone with her husband.

What's your take?

And You Thought Your Mother Got on Your Nerves

You carry them for nine months, give birth to them, clothe them, feed them, bathe them, raise them, take care of them, let them stay in your home into adulthood if they need to.

And you hope that day will never come when they end up stabbing you to death.

The Los Angeles Daily News reports from Reseda.

A 24-year-old man was in custody today on suspicion of stabbing his 40-year-old mother to death inside her apartment in Reseda.

Do the math. She gave birth to him when she was 16, possibly 15. Plus, there's no mention of a father in the article.

Bryan Garcia-Munguia was arrested outside the Denny's restaurant on the corner of Reseda Boulevard and Saticoy Street in Reseda about 11:20 p.m. Monday, said Detective Joel Price of the Los Angeles Police Department's West Valley Station.

Family members who had just finished eating at the restaurant were gathered in the parking lot when the suspect unexpectedly showed up, prompting them to call police, Price said.

Yeah, it is not a good idea to show up to join family grieving over someone you killed.

His mother, Saida Munguia, was found fatally stabbed in the chest inside her apartment in the 7600 block of Reseda Boulevard, near Saticoy Street, on Monday afternoon, said LAPD Sgt. Ronnie Crump.

Now who is going to show up at his sentencing to insist that he really is a good boy?

"According to family and neighbors, there's been a rather rocky relationship between mother and child, in particular during the last week," Price said.

You don't say?

The victim and suspect lived together at the apartment, he added.

That had to have been a lot of fun. Even though he was living with his mother, he probably has a girlfriend, or at least booty calls. If so, he'll probably still have women pledging their love to him. After all, he hasn't stabbed them. Or if he did, it must have been their fault. Or they know they can change him.

His mother could have aborted him, but she didn't. And this is the thanks she gets? But it isn't surprising. When kids are born to mothers that young, especially if they are raised without a father, they are more likely to commit violent crime. Everyone would have been better off if she had given him up for adoption to be raised by mature, established, married people.

And shame on the guy who got a 15-year-old pregnant. Where is that guy?

Sexless Marriage, But Live-In Adult Child Is Getting Some

Another Dear Abby column brings us a marital nightmare and a parenting problem.

FREEZING IN SOUTH CAROLINA wrote:

My wife, "Helene," refuses to speak to me for days or even weeks.

Hmmm. Has it always been like this? Is this the way she is, or are you doing something to prompt this? Of course, with some people, this would be a relief!

When I try to find out why or talk to her, she ignores me.

Once you have asked her what is wrong, and she doesn't respond, you have done your due diligence. Go about your business. Same goes for when women say "NOTHING!!!" when we ask them what is wrong. We know you are lying ladies, but it isn't worth playing the game. You'll either let us know eventually (very likely) or not.

She has moved into another bedroom, which has become her own little domain. She refuses to have sex or even watch TV with me.

No! NOT THE JOINT TV VIEWING!!! How could she be so cruel???

Okay, well, she's breaking her marital vows. Are you earning all or most of the income? If so, is she refusing to accept your financial provisions? Does she stop you from doing chores around the house, like taking out the trash? Probably not. Interesting how that works. She's not disgusted or angry enough with you to stop you from holding up your vows to her.

I have no reason to believe Helene is cheating, and I am certainly not cheating on her.

Unfaithfulness isn't just physically fornicating with a side-honey. It is failing to be faithful to your spouse. And that is what is going on here. The question is if it is two people who are being unfaithful, or one.

We are raising my son from a previous marriage, and sometimes I wonder if this is what is bugging her.

Oh. Ooooooh. Yeah, could be. She probably thinks you pick him over her. She may see the woman you used to make love to every time she looks at him, mingled with your features. Another example of how it is best to wait until your children are grown before you get into another relationship.

Dear Abby responded:

As much as you love your wife, I hope you realize that her behavior is both passive-aggressive and abusive.

Well, yes, assuming this guy isn't a maniac. In which case she should vacate the place and take the kid with her, or call the cops and have him removed.

But let's assume this guy is your regular husband and dad, and simply picked wrong, or she has suffered some trauma she doesn't want to reveal or deal with. In his letter, he says that his kid considers her to be a mom. So, he should try to keep them all together and the atmosphere as pleasant as possible until the kid is grown. It's rotten for him, but it would be best for the kid. Feel free to move on after that, though you'll have to pay dearly to do so. Such is marriage law in America.

On to the second letter.

DAD IN DISTRESS wrote:

Our 23-year-old daughter, "Kristy," lives at home.

Why? Has she ever lived on her own?

She works full time and goes to school, but lives here with free room and board, cable TV, etc. She has been seeing a man for a month and now is spending two or three nights a week at "his place."

I am not unreasonable or naive, but I feel that because Kristy is living under my roof, she should live by my rules, which do not include sleeping over at some man's house after only one month of dating.

Yes. The options are: live by your rules, or move out and support herself.

To top it off, we have never met him, although we have asked several times to be introduced.

Do you really care to meet the guy who is fornicating with your daughter while she lives on your dime? It has only been a month. Chances are, they won't last. Why bother?

Am I being unreasonable?

No.

My wife throws up her hands and says, "What can we do?"

You can let her run her own life, which includes paying her own way and keeping her own place. Time for her to leave the nest.

Dear Abby pretty much agreed.

So, the husband, who should be getting some lovin' isn't... meanwhile, in another family, a grown child who should be respecting her parents' rules is gettin' some - outside of marriage. Not good.