"Why Can't Men Be Upfront and Honest?" - Part 4

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Let's flip this around. Are most women upfront and honest when it comes to dating? Ladies, if you're going to be honest with yourself, can you really say you are upfront and honest all of the time? What about your friends? Sure, you don't date them, but from what they've told you?

Are any of these things upfront and honest?

• Fake breasts
• Padded/pushup bras
• Fake eyelashes
• Fake nails
• Fake hair color
• Weaves, extensions, wigs, anything that makes it look like you have more/nicer hair than you do
• Makeup
• Pretending to like something about us or what we like that you really don't
• "Oh him? He's just a friend." [...who has had his penis inside you.]
  
• "I'm on The Pill."
• "I'm unable to get pregnant." or "It will be really difficult to get me pregnant."
• "I've never done that/this before."
• "I'm not like that." [Something he wants that you do with other men.]
• "I'm not like that." [Something he doesn't want but you will bring.]
  
• "We're pregnant."or "This baby is yours." [He didn't get you pregnant.]
• I need a man who is X, Y, Z." [When she has sex with men who are none of those.]
• "Friends first." [She has had sex with plenty of men who never became a friend.]
• "I need to be romanced, pursued, won over." [Except when it comes to the booty calls and hookups.]
  

Have you ever said to a man, being honest, "I will let you take me out, but I'm not going to have sex with you, even though I have sex with other men"? Hardly any, if any, woman who behaves in such a way will actually say that to a man. Why? Because it doesn't get her what she wants. Well, that's why men say or don't say certain things, too.

Why should men be upfront and honest when dealing with women who walk all over men who are?

There's still more to come in this series.

Part 1 in This Series

Part 2 in This Series

Part 3 in This Series

Part 5 in This Series

You Did NOT Enjoy What You Chose to Do For Ten Years

Had to check in about a call during the first hour of Dr. Laura's show on Tuesday, September 17, 2013. Whenever I have a bone to pick with Dr. Laura, I point out that I listen to every minute of her show and I follow what goes on with her website and Facebook page, and I read her books. I think she usually hits the bullseye and I think she has done so much good for many people, me included. Blah, blah, blah...

Dr. Laura's advice and comments over the years have made it clear that she, like many other people, subscribes to the idea that men should have to buy sex one way or another, preferably by signing a contract that shifts over half of everything they’ll ever earn to a woman. That is not how she would put it, but it is the end result of what she says (including that men always pay for dates) and the use of phrases like calling women who shack up or otherwise regularly fornicate as “unpaid whores”.

She took a call from a woman who'd not been honest with her husband about her sexual past (as the husband had supposedly been with her) in that she had previously not disclosed to him that from her late 20s to her late 30s, she'd had a lot of one night stands as part of evenings stated off by clubbing. The caller said the encounters had been fun, at least for a few minutes each time. Dr. Laura denied they had been fun. Isn't it interesting how Dr. Laura can speak to whether something was fun for another person and tell that person they didn't have the feelings they did?

Another Closeted Hubby

Painful. I've written about this before, and got a comment from a woman who was put into a similar position. HELPLESS IN MIAMI wrote in to Dear Abby:

I recently learned that my husband of 35 years is gay.

That’s an awful long time. How often did you have sex? Perhaps he's bisexual? I just know that I could not fake it with a man for 35 years, because I'm straight. And that would become apparently rather quickly. Women can "fake it" much easier than men.

I never suspected and I am stunned.

There are a lot of reasons for this, not the least of which is that back when you married, there was more pressure for gays to be closeted.

We have three children and eight grandchildren who all adore him.

Okay.

I learned his secret from an email he left on the computer screen.

Well, it could have been worse. You could have walked in on him with another man, or someone else could have.

It took a few days, but I confronted him and he told me everything.

That must have been a load off for him, but quite painful for you.

He has been with men since before our marriage.

Pressure or not, he should never have married you. On the other hand, consider your children and grandchildren that resulted.

He assured me he has never done anything that could have caused me to get a disease. I went for an examination and I'm fine.

Well, that's good.

I'm lost about what my next step should be. I'm in my late 50s. Starting over isn't something I ever considered… I have no interest in having sex with my husband again, but being apart from him terrifies me.

Do you care about having sex with anyone again? If not, why not stay put and be friends and roommates, if you can be friends with someone who kept such a big thing secret from you all of those years. He'll always be the father of your children, after all.

I feel like I'm in prison.

How so, exactly? If you do want sex and romantic love, then yes, get out. But if not, and if you otherwise enjoy his company, you might want to stay.

Dear Abby's response indicates she also considers him bisexual. She also refers the woman to a group dealing with this issue.

I would completely understand it if she remains upset and wants to get as far away from him as possible. Consider if he was straight, and seeing other women on the side. But he obviously prefers men enough to go behind her back, and it has to hurt that the man she thought desired her didn't, or at least not as much as she thought. I think the law should be such that he should get punished in a divorce. He built a life with her under false pretenses, cheating on her along the way. She should not have to suffer much loss of her lifestyle, from a material perspective. Not sure about the laws in Florida, but in California it wouldn't matter. He'd be able to take half, as though this was an equal deal all along.

Holding a Partner Hostage

Dear Abby printed a couple of letters that caught my eye.

TROUBLE IN SALINAS, CALIF. wrote:

For the last two years I have been going out with a guy I'll call "Ricky."

From what the letter says later, it sounds like Ricky is a minor - a kid. Two years is a long time.

My problem is I don't love him anymore. A few weeks ago I told him I no longer wanted to be with him, and he started crying. He scared me when he said his life was in my hands.

It is not uncommon for teens to feel that way, especially if they've never had a relationship before. Add in that this kid doesn't live with his dad, and you probably have a guy who is far removed from his masculinity. With his mom working, he is desperate for someone to talk with, and so he latched on to this girl. He probably fawns all over her, and even if he was otherwise okay, she'd still probably grow bored with him.

He wants to marry me, and I don't want to lie and say I will. It disturbs me that he still wants to be together even though he knows I'm not happy with him. He believes that if he's happy, I will be, too.

He may be suicidal, as indicated by saying his life was in her hands. She should take him with her to a school counselor, and then tell the counselor what he said. Then, she should leave and it will morally and legally be in the counselor's hands.

Dear Abby responded:

Call his mother, tell her that you are ending the relationship and that he isn't taking it well. She's in a better position to see he gets emotional and psychological support than you are.

That might be a way to handle it, but what she going to do? Quit working?

Take him to the counselor. Adults who find themselves dealing with someone who threatens or hints at suicide if they are dumped should definitely do that. Set up a joint session with a licensed therapist, if not an actual psychiatrist. Start off the session explaining your concerns, tell the other person it is over, and leave. It will be in the hands of the therapist.

Well, on to the real gem of this installment, where someone is discussing an even more devious way of holding someone hostage than threatening to kill yourself...

KNOWS TOO MUCH IN BETHESDA wrote:

My best friend, "Heather," is trying to trick her husband into having another child.

Ah, yes. Now there's real intimacy. Trying to trick your husband into taking on another child, and telling other people about it.

Now, I know there is a school of thought out there that married couples should always welcome children and should not do anything to avoid conceiving children. By golly, they should probably be careful to let sperm optimally mature in his testicles until the time when she's going to be most fertile, and then go at it – in one position only. He should have intercourse with her at each ovulation, and, if he has intercourse with her, then he's virtually demanding more children. (If he doesn't have intercourse with her right then, then he's evil.)

But the majority of married couples don't subscribe to that thinking. I agree with Dr. Laura here – if one of them says "no", the change (which, in this case, would be going for another pregnancy) is a no-go. There are various forms of contraception, and if a wife is leading her husband to believe she is on contraception, she should not be on contraception.

They already have one, but he doesn't think they can handle two.

Maybe they can't. Kids are very time, money, and energy-consuming. Or, she might enjoy pregnancy and being a mother while he might have found that being a father is more than difficult enough with one child, and that his wife being pregnant, then postpartum and nursing and occupied with a baby - makes life hell for him. Pregnancy doesn't just do things to a wife's body (I found my wife especially beautiful and sexy while pregnant, but some men don't have the same reaction), it does things to her moods and her libido. It limits what she can do in general. And that's just the pregnancy. There's at least 18 years of intense involvement after that.

They have been fighting about this, and it has created problems in their marriage.

That's pretty common.

Heather confided to me recently that she is going to stop using birth control "just to see what will happen," and I'm pretty sure she's not going to tell her husband first.

There are many women out there – married or not – who lie by omission or commission about taking contraception. It's a rotten thing to do, and any man who either does not want to be a father or doesn't want any more children should get snipped and make sure his sperm count is zero. He can always bank some sperm if he thinks he may change his mind later.

While I condemn murder, certain things make a woman more likely to be a murder victim. How many women have been killed because they lied about contraception or their fertility? Okay, they were killed because the guy was a murderer, but you can see what I mean. While the guy may be caught and convicted, the victim and her baby are still dead.

Should I tell him, or keep my mouth shut and act surprised when Heather gets pregnant?

The wife made it this woman's business by telling her. It's pretty messed up, but again – all too common, that the wife has more intimacy with this woman than her own husband. So my advice would be YES, tell him. The wife may drop their friendship, but the wife shouldn't have said anything anyway, and has no moral ground to stand when she is telling other people she is thinking about deceiving her husband about something so important.

Dear Abby agreed.

Slap on the Wrist For False Accuser?

***Oct 3 2007 Update*** I have received at least three anonymous comments on this post, but I have not published them. Since they make claims about this woman I can't verify and the persons writing the comments do not identify themselves or provide a way to verify their identity, I do not want to run the risk of libeling someone, even someone I think did a horrible, horrible thing.

False Rape Report Leads to 1-Year Sentence
By Mai Tran
Los Angeles Times Staff Writer

Quotes:
>>A Dana Point woman who told police she was kidnapped at gunpoint and raped by six men was sentenced Thursday to 360 days in jail after confessing that she had made up the crime.<< She could have ruined the lives of these six guys and others who love them. They had their lives disrupted, and police and court resources were squandered because of this LIAR.

>>Tamara Anne Moonier, 30, was arrested after one of the men brought forth a video that showed the woman was a willing participant in a night of sex.<< Slut AND Liar, according to the court. Tamara Anne Moonier. Tamara Anne Moonier. Hopefully, the search engines will archive that name as a LIAR, whose actions make it more difficult for women who really are assaulted.

>>Moonier, who works as a receptionist at a woman's fitness center, said she had suffered from mental illness, depression and bipolar disorder since her teenage years, and is on prescription medication.<< Boo frickin' hoo. I love talk like this. If a woman kills her child, it is okay because of hormones or mental illness. If a man kills his child, it was just because he didn't want to be tied down. What a load of CRAP. Where are the feminist leaders calling for equality?

>>She is currently in divorce proceedings and a custody battle for her 14-month-old child.<< Divorce? Gee, who would want to divorce a lying, psychotic, slut? And she wants custody?

>>Orange County Superior Court Judge Carla M. Singer said that if Moonier was well behaved during the first 90 days in jail, she could serve the remaining time under house arrest, officials said.<< Well behaved? What does that mean... that she won't falsely accuse the guards of rape? That's like saying a male rapist of women was well behaved in prison. Of course he was... there were no women there!

Moonier was also ordered to repay more than $2,000 to the state for financial aid she received for being an alleged victim of violent crimes.

>>Moonier went to Fullerton police June 6 and reported that she had been abducted outside a bar at gunpoint then taken to an unknown location and raped, authorities said. But police later determined that she agreed to go to a house and have sex with the men, which was videotaped.

One of the men showed police the 40-minute tape that depicted Moonier orchestrating some of the sex, authorities said.<< What kind of a man does this sort of thing? Now doing this with one man and multiple women, that would be okay.

>>The six men, who were not arrested or charged, would have faced life sentences had they been convicted.<< The laws and the courts are stacked unfairly towards women. Men, you let that happen.