Recent Dear Abby Columns Should Be a Warning Against Marrying

A couple of recent Dear Abby columns caught my eye. You can really learn a lot about why you don't want to get married or have children by reading Dear Abby.

SPOIL ME, PLEASE, IN OHIO wrote:

My husband and I have been happily married for seven years. He recently graduated from his final residency, and after 11 years of post-high school education, he is finally out practicing.

During all those years, I supported us financially.

Awwww, how nice!

Her Husband Gave Jewelry to a "Dancer"

WOUNDED HEART IN OKLAHOMA wrote in to Dear Abby:

My husband had an affair with a stripper.

You married a dummy. Out of all of the things I have done wrong, I've never witnessed a live performance of a stripper. I've never darkened the door of a strip club. I believe I have mentioned before that I made it clear during my "bachelor party" night out that I didn't want a stripper, and I turned down my own father's suggestion during said festivities that we go to one of those clubs. I had to repeat myself. And my father is a generally decent man - it is just that going to these sorts of clubs has become so commonplace, especially for bachelor parties.

Aside from the morality, the fact is, strippers are experts at extracting money from men and giving those men less than they can get from a date or a hooker. They are hookers that (usually) don't put out. They take the money, and usually just frustrate men. These days, women get naked and have casual sex with strangers for free. Why pay?

I guess some guys pay to see strippers because they reason that it is more acceptable to do that than have a mistress or hire a hooker. But still... when I'm hungry, I don't pay to watch someone cook a hamburger. I eat. And this guy apparently got involved enough to buy jewelry.

I found out about it because he bought her some jewelry and was stupid enough to have the bill sent to our home.

See what I mean about the money? She's getting jewelry from him, and he's a dummy for buying jewelry for a stripper, and possibly a dummy for not covering his track. He may have wanted to be found out.

We have been married more than 20 years and I love him, but this haunts me every day. I am heartbroken, but I'm trying to make our marriage work. He never admitted to any of it and says nothing happened between them.

It is possible that nothing happened between them. Remember – she's a stripper. She's used to getting money from men without actually doing things with them.

I don't know whether to keep on trying or leave him and hope to get on with my life.

To figure that out, ask yourself honestly - why did he do this? Is he generally a bad guy, or have things gone sour in the marriage? He might have been desperate for what appeared to be affection, attention, and admiration from a woman. I don't know of a healthy husband who is going to choose watching a stripper over sex with his wife. Is he getting enough sex?

Dear Abby responded:

It takes effort on the part of both husband and wife, plus honest communication and often professional counseling to heal a relationship when there has been infidelity.

He might need a financial counselor most of all.

Even though you love your husband, it's time to start taking care of yourself. And the place to start is by insisting on professional counseling. If he won't go, go without him.

That could work. Or she may find a bad counselor who tells her that it is wrong for a husband to be horny.

Dating Parents and A Questionable Ring

I usually wait a while before commenting on advice column installments (for more than one reason), but today, I just couldn’t sit on what I found in Dear Margo and Dear Abby, especially with Valentine's Day coming up.

"Torn" writes in to Dear Margo, and it gets titled "No One Needs a 17-Year-Old Dictator".

I am in my 50s, have been divorced for 10 years and have a 17-year-old daughter. Her dad is remarried.

That's too bad.

I’ve been seeing someone for 13 months, and my daughter can't stand him.

You started seeing him when she was 15 or so?

He is a nice guy, and there are no behaviors to dislike.

To you.

In fact, he's rarely been around her. She has no reason; she says she just doesn't like him and doesn't want him around.

She's 17. She's dealing with school and major choices about the future and teen drama. Her dad was already taken from her in a new marriage. Maybe she wants her mother to herself for her few remaining months at home, without her mother going through the drama and emotions of a dating relationship?

How to handle this?

Take a break from the dating. Go back to dating after she is 18 and on her own.

I've told her it’s my choice and my house, and I can have company.

It sure is your house. But she is your daughter. It was your choice to bring her into the world and raise her. Your obligation is to her, for a few more months.

(He has never stayed overnight with her around, only for a dinner here and there.)

Well, that's good that he hasn't stayed overnight with her around. But even if she's naïve she knows what happens when she isn't there.

The comments so far are mostly from people who suggest that the teen is being unjustly selfish or that perhaps the guy has made moves on her or has said things to her she found threatening. Certainly, the 17-year-old is more at risk for abuse because of the situation – according to statistics.

Dear Margo replied:

My position has always been that kids don't get a vote unless the "interloper" is obviously disreputable, snippy to the kid or a felon.

Wouldn't want to tick off your readers, now would you?

I think the approach you’ve been taking is just fine, and I would urge you to push her to articulate her dislike, and also to stick to your guns — in this case, your man.

He's not her man. He is someone she's doing. If she really isn't spending all that much time with him, it is not unlikely he is doing other women, too.

There's another letter is from a daughter whose father is planning to remarry near the time of his son's (her brother's) bar mitzvah. So that guy has a child as young as 12, and he's off and running with a new woman while the divorce is still in progress.

I hope I'm never in the position to be an unmarried parent of minor children. But if that happens to me, I would hope I would make my children more of a priority.

Dear Abby has this letter from DUMBFOUNDED OR JUST DUMB? IN FLORIDA:

I have been dating a man for four years.

Why four years? Was someone in school? In debt? What? When the (exclusive) dating goes on for more than two years, I have to wonder why someone who is marriage-minded would do that.

I told him I am ready to end our relationship if he isn't ready to get married within the next year.

Don't let the door hit you. What's he going to get by marrying you that he isn't getting now?

Two months ago, he gave me a beautiful 2 1/2-carat diamond ring and announced to family and friends that we are engaged.

Did he actually propose? Some guys do this to keep the sex going a while longer.

He has not discussed any wedding plans, but he says the wedding will be within the time frame I am asking for.

Sounds like you are getting down to the wire.

I went to a jeweler today to have the band on my ring enlarged a bit and was told that my stone is not a real diamond.

Why did you need the band enlarged? That could be a clue to what is going on.

Abby, this man owns his own business and is wealthy!

1) So what? Why is he obligated to buy you a 2 1/2-carat real diamond? What have you bought for him?

2) Are you sure he's wealthy? He could be in massive debt, either to the IRS or others.

He spends thousands on golf trips every year and just spent a great deal of money on high-end house furnishings.

And so maybe there is little left over? Is this guy really marriage material, or are you letting your "time invested" and your beliefs about his wealth blind you to something like bad priorities (if you’re looking for a husband) or bad spending habits?

I am embarrassed to tell anyone of this fraud.

Then don't. And it isn't a fraud unless he told you it is a real diamond. Or maybe he doesn't know himself and got cheated.

Am I fooling myself thinking that this man truly wants to marry me?

Probably. Why else would he go four years without asking you to marry him, and only buy you a ring after you gave a deadline? The cheaper ring is a less costly investment for him if he's just trying to get sex out of you for as long as he can. Dear Abby told her to talk with him about it. What's he going to say?

At least Dear Abby printed this suggestion from SERVICE OFFICER, AMERICAN LEGION POST IN MAINE:

Please remind your readers that a nice thing to do on Valentine's Day is to go to a veteran's hospital to visit the veterans who are there -- especially those from World War II, whose numbers are dwindling. The wards generally have parties going on for them.

Try to attend. You'll find a group of very appreciative people there.

Great idea.

Ringing Up a Problem

Here's another woman upset about getting jewelry. FEELING "USED" IN PENNSYLVANIA is "deeply hurt" - she wrote:

My boyfriend, "Paul," and I have been dating for four years.

That's a bit of a long time for someone who is looking to get married.

He has recently started talking about purchasing an engagement ring for me. Paul is well-off, although very frugal, which is how he accumulated most of his wealth.

Well, it is how he has retained wealth.

Paul has been searching online sites for a used ring. He says he "doesn't want to waste his money on a new engagement ring when he can buy a used one." This from a man who didn't think twice about spending thousands of dollars to buy his son a brand-new car or a brand-new boat for himself.

Hmmm. Doesn't sound so frugal to me. But notice that vehicles are functional items that deteriorate over time – such as with mechanical failures that can weaken their level of safety - in ways that jewelry does not. So, he could have had practical reasons for buying new vehicles.

Am I wrong to feel I'm only worth a used engagement ring?

Feelings are one thing, but you are wrong to think you are only worth any ring, no matter how big or new.

This is the most precious gift he could give me -- a sign of our love and commitment -- and I would cherish it forever.

Really? That's the most precious gift he could give you – the ring, and not what it symbolizes?

When a woman's man wants to buy her a piece of jewelry, I can't think of many instances where she should complain about that. If she were to buy him tickets to the big game, he should not complain if they aren't the best, most expensive seats in the venue.

Dear Abby responded:

There's a difference between frugal and just plain cheap. That Paul would tell you he considers buying you a new engagement ring is a WASTE shows insensitivity to your feelings.

It is a waste if he can get the right ring used.

Would he also prefer that your wedding gown come from a thrift store?

There's nothing wrong with that, per se. Used does not always mean something will be in bad shape.

She knows he is frugal. Is she going to feel this way about gifts, vacation, dinners, etc. throughout their marriage? Maybe they aren't right for each other. If it is really that important to her, she can find a man who will enthusiastically shell out top dollar for a brand new ring.

I had my wife's ring made to order. She gave me very loose guidelines about what she preferred – she did not go shopping with me. She tells me all of the time that she loves it, and she tells me that even after finding the documents (she insisted on organizing my files) showing I had paid about one-third the retail value of the ring, because I bought it wholesale. She is happy I saved money on the ring. But we are talking about a woman who found a beautiful wedding dress for an unheard of low price and was happy to save the money, wore the dress proudly, and told people how inexpensive it was.

Engagement Ring Pressure

Michelle works for a Los Angeles-based talk radio station, specifically the morning drive program. She has a blog on the station's official website, and I wanted to share some of her comments from a recent entry. I couldn't detect a permalink, but the entry is currently found here.

Michelle recently accepted a marriage proposal, and shows uncommon sense about engagement ring and sympathy for her intended.

Here's the thing. From the get go, when we got serious, I told him I was not one of those girls who would insist on a big, fat ring. I originally wanted to use my grandmother’s first engagement ring, a tiny diamond set in a classic band of white gold. Unfortunately, that got stolen when my home was broken into when we first got our home...Other than that ring, a ring really didn’t even come into play much, it wouldn't have bothered me even if I didn’t get one for an engagement, a wedding band alone would have been fine if that's what we chose to do.

I wish more women were like her in this regard.

So I told him, when, and if the time comes, don't stress about it. You know me, you know the person I am, don't stress out about it.

He should have taken her at his word, and her opinion should have been more important than anyone else's on the matter. But he let other people get to him.

Well, apparently, he wasn't stressing until a bunch of people at his work made him question his choice by saying

'Oh no, you can't buy THAT ring, you have to buy a big diamond.'

To those people, I would have asked, "Why?"

"No, you have to spend at least $2000 or she's going to be upset!"

Why, is she a prostitute?

'What will people think about that ring? All her friends are going to be looking at it and judging you!'

That is one of the worst. Who cares what they think, if that is the way they are?

Then he started looking into it and was bombarded with the whole idiotic business that's been set up to suck men into the ridiculous notion that you have to spend at least two month's salary on a ring to prove to your girlfriend that you love her.

That's a marketing slogan and has no basis in reality. We are not obligated to listen to it. If a woman thinks a guy should have spent more on the ring and tells him so, he should run away from her as fast as he can.

In my personal opinion, any woman (or man) who is 'upset' with any engagement ring or other jewelry that their significant other buys them for any reason because it’s not 'big enough' or the 'clarity' isn't right, isn't anything but a shallow materialistic gold digging moron who cares nothing about the real meaning of love...If your personal worth is tied to a piece of jewelry, there's something wrong with you...All of you girls who want big, flashy rings, are missing out on some VERY good men out there, so think twice about what's REALLY important.

She should print that on t-shirts and sell them. He got the ring at a Costco, and she's happy about it.

Now, from what she wrote, it sounds like they have been shacking up, which I'm convinced is wrong and makes the odds less favorable to their marriage being a lasting, happy one. But on the plus side, she does not let materialism or the herd mentality turn her into a ungrateful little girl. Instead, she's happy about the ring. Good for her!

My wife was happy to figure out, when she was going through bank records, that I'd purchased the ring I presented when I proposed for about a third of the retail price. That kind of sensible frugality on her part is one of the reasons I proposed.

Side note to any guys planning to pop the question: In some states, it may be advantageous to avoid doing so on her birthday, Valentine's Day, Christmas, an "anniversary", or any day that can be construed as a gift-giving day. This may prevent her from being able to keep/sell the ring should she divorce you or leave you before the wedding, and compel her to return it to you. If that doesn't sound like a romantic consideration… well, it isn't very romantic to go through divorce, either, and have her profit at your expense on top of that. The matter will only come into play should there be a divorce – so she shouldn't have an objection unless she is planning to divorce you. Or, if she insists on shopping for the ring with you, or to get it on one of those gift-giving days, make sure she pays for it with her money and she can have as big of a ring as she wants and do whatever she wants to with it. Should you give her the ring unconnected to any other gift-giving occasion, a court may see her possession of it as being conditional to your impending marriage. Should she leave you before the marriage or divorce you, it may be easier to get it back.