The Modern Workplace and How It Relates to Marriage

Men are expected to "provide". It isn't just traditionalists like Dr. Laura who say this. Most women seek out and marry men they think do, or will, earn more than they do, even if they claim to be liberated, feminist, independent. Notice Oprah's lack of legal marriage. It would be difficult for her to attract a man who earns more than her.

In order to pay for a family, men generally need stable, well-paying jobs that provide a reasonable level of security. However, our economy has changed.

Men Need To Protect Themselves In the Workplace

 

Don't be fooled, guys.

It doesn't matter how relaxed your workplace feels or seems. It doesn't matter what your boss does, what other men do, or what the women do there.

You must always remember that normal adult behavior, including harmless behavior that has gone on in workplaces for as long as workplaces have been a thing, can now get you in deep trouble. Normal behaviors, normal conversations, can lose you your job, your entire career, and more.

Your job, your workplace, is not a place to find a date, or a lay, or a girlfriend, or a wife. It doesn't matter that people have done that for as long as there have been workplaces and are still doing it now. It is far too much of a risk for you. You need to think about you, and covering your donkey.

No, it's not just crude jokes, or lingering hugs, or cheesecake screensavers, or trading favors. The way you look at a woman, even if she is fine with it, can get you into trouble.

So, how do you prevent accusations?

The best way is to work for yourself, or for very small business at which no women work and no women will ever work. Even then a woman who interacts with you as a customer or supplier or whatever can make accusations, but you have more control and protection than if you're working for a large employer, especially one where misandrist feminists are in control, or at least in control of dealing with alleged sexual harassment.

But if you do work somewhere that women also work, you need to be very careful, deliberate, and consistent in what you do:

Keep your interaction with women strictly professional and to the minimum that is absolutely necessary.

What does this mean in practice?

Cult of the Cubicle

The lockdowns associated with the 2020 pandemic widely revealed something that some people had already discovered:

Thanks to technology, many office jobs can now be done entirely or almost entirely from home, or some other "remote" location.

Some employers embraced this for the long term, significantly reducing the office space their company leased or owns.

Others, steeped in what I'll call the Cult of the Cubicle, have been trying to get everyone back into their cubicles, or even worse, their "open" workstations.

If responsibilities can be handled through telephones and computing devices (smart phones, tablets, laptops, desktops, etc.), they can be done through "telework" or remotely. Presentations done on screens can be presented and experienced remotely. Meetings can be done remotely. Trainings can be done remotely.

There are tasks, there are personalities, there are home situations which make it preferable for some people to work in the common office. Some collaborations are going to be better that way.

But for others, why not let them work from home/remotely full-time, permanently, if that is what they want? Either they can do quality work at the quantity needed or they can't. If they can, what is the problem? I can't think of any except for a desire to have a feeling of control over people.

Commuting has costs and risks. For many people, their residence and their employer aren't going to be close, or the commute is going to be slow and stressful even if the physical distance isn't all that far. In the greater Los Angeles area, it isn't unusual for people to have commutes that are over an hour one way, and that's without an accident that stops a commuter train, or closes lanes on a freeway or tollway. The saving grace for people in those commutes is usually radio, podcasts, or audiobooks, or they might do phone calls as they move slowly along the roadways.

But that's about the employee's quality of life. How does allowing more people to work work "from home" more of the time benefit employers? There are many ways. In no particular order:

Is College Part of a Racket?

Yes, college is part of a racket, in most cases.

But sometimes, people have to go along with a racket.

I have a Bachelors degree.

Charlie Kirk didn’t, and he was way more successful in his short life than I have been in my longer life.

But… Charlie Kirk was a rare man. Very few people are going to be able to make a living speaking and debating at colleges, doing a podcast/national radio show, leading organizations like Turning Point USA, and whatever else Kirk did. Few people have what it takes, and there’s only a few spots that exist for someone like that.

Employers demand degrees for many of their higher paying positions. For some, it’s legitimate. For others, it’s a lazy screening technique. But it’s a fact of life.

If you have a way you can make a legit, good living without getting a college degree, especially if you’ve already made a good living and didn’t get a degree (comment to tell us about it), good for you. That’s great.

But we shouldn’t pretend most people, especially most men, will thrive without a degree.

Yes, colleges are often Leftist, especially misandrist, indoctrination centers. Yes there’s a lot of waste and inflated costs. But as long as employers have degrees as a requirement for being hired or promoted, it’s a racket that must be endured.

I highly recommend anyone going to college but without a scholarship that covers all or most of it spend as little as they can by using their community college and state college systems. Yes, the “elite” schools enable lucrative networking. There are other ways of networking, though.

If you’re no longer in your late teens or early 20s, don’t let that discourage you from going “back to school.” If your goal requires a degree, go for it.

On the other hand, if you can thrive without college, and if you’re good at learning things other ways, don’t think you must go to college because you were “supposed to” or your parents always wanted you to.

It’s your life.

Prager U Gets it Right on Some Career Advice

Prager U doesn't always get it right. After all, they've posted multiple videos trying to trick men into thinking what we now call marriage is actually a good thing for them.

But they got this one right.

I have encouraged you to Know Thyself. This, below, is also great advice, especially in conjunction with knowing thyself.. It's "Career Success and the Proximity Principle" featuring author Ken Coleman. The video is below, but I'll include much of the transcript below. And, if for some reason, the YouTube embed isn't working, try this link.

We Are Not Going Back

During the first hour of Dennis Prager's Monday, August 19, 2019 show, toward the end of that first hour, he said he "doesn't understand" waiting to marry until establishing or gaining success in your career (succeeding professionally/financially). He claims it isn't rational, and it isn't what people did in history. "Why can't you work on your career while married?" he asked. [This entry is bumped up, and some details of my life might have changed since.]

He says things like this because he is a marriage-seller and because he has no idea what it is like to be a young person today, trying to make their way in this world. He's made it clear that he buys into the idea that man isn't really a man unless he takes on the burden of supporting a wife and children, as if women still don't have access to employment, property ownership, and personal finance. 1) If someone is working on career success, marriage, especially with children, is an enormous disadvantage. Even putting aside the emotional drama and turmoil a wife and family can bring, a spouse and children put a demand on time; there will be days you'll be late for work, or have to leave early, or not be able to work at all due to family matters. You'll get calls and texts that demand your immediate attention, taking you away from whatever you're supposed to be doing. Also, these days, establishing yourself in a career often means long and odd hours, extra days, networking at lunch and happy hours, business travel, moving, and changing employers. None of these are friendly to family.

Know Thyself

Anyone can benefit from doing this, but this is especially for anyone who is one or more of the following:

• Young
• Considering further education or declaring a major
• Looking for a job or to change jobs
• Looking or a new place to live
• Getting out of a marriage or relationship or considering it
• Feeling like you're in a rut or making no progress in your life 
• Facing or considering retirement
  

Believe it or not, your time is limited. To figure out what you should be doing, you really need to understand yourself well. Know thyself.

You're going to need some peace and quiet to do this. No distractions. You'll need time to think, to ponder, to reflect. You'll need to be alone. No spouse, no girlfriend, no friends - alone. No movies, no television, no social media, no books, etc. You want to be alone with your thoughts.

You might need to get a hotel room or motel room. You can only do this at home if you're really, really disciplined in being able to ignore and avoid distractions, and nobody will reach you.

Do the Dreams of Men Matter?

Dr. Laura has repeatedly told male callers to her show (either directly or through their wife calling) that it doesn't matter if they hate their job, they need to (financially) provide for their family and not be concerned with following some dream.

During yesterday's show (August 21, 2017) [yes, this entry has been bumped up] during the third hour, she got a call from a woman who has been a SAHM, formerly a dental assistant, who was going back to work due to her kids aging out, but as a preschool (= daycare, which Dr. Laura usually rails against) teacher. The woman prefers doing the preschool work, but the dental assistant work, which she could get, pays far more, and her husband wanted her to take that work instead of the preschool work, to facilitate saving for retirement.

Now, Dr. Laura has declared she'll never retire and she says she can't understand people who retire "early" (despite telling men to do jobs they hate), so that might have played into her answer. Most people do want to retire, though.

Dr. Laura specifically told this woman to follow her dream and do the preschool work, and to tell her husband she's going to budget to save money. She tells wives these things (like when she tells a wife to tell her husband she'll feel sexier if she can quit her job), but I wonder how many actually follow through and budget, and are more frequent/enthusiastic lovers? My guess is many don't. There may not be all that much they can do to save more money, or maybe the husband doesn't want to cut back on their current lifestyle? In this case, the kids were off the college so that was probably going to be a big financial strain.

Dr. Laura further said that she doesn't know what has happened to today's males, who are, in her estimation, telling women to "go be a slave, forget about your dreams and earn income". This is very revealing. Are husbands slaves? Anyone clued in to MGTOW would say yes. I'm right there with Dr. Laura when the kids are young and there needs to be a parent with them. One parent (usually the husband) needs to earn income and the other (usually the wife) needs to be primarily concerned with caretaking of the children. But that's not what we're talking about here. We're talking about empty-nesters.

What has happened to today's males? Here's what has happened: It costs more to live longer. Husbands know career disruption is a big thing now and they can't count on having their job until retirement. Also, there are an awful lot of wives out there who decided to leave their marriages, and if they are earning nothing or significantly less than their husbands (as most wives do), they are getting alimony payments, and depending on the state, for the rest of their lives!

The caller's husband is trying to secure their joint future. If they're going to need care, that's going to cost. If they're going to want to travel, that's not cheap. If they're going to be paying for their kids' education and weddings, that can easily total hundreds of thousands of dollars.

So... do the dreams of men matter?

We're not talking about the needs of children. That's out of the picture at this point. Now it becomes a question of whose dreams matter more. His dreams appear to be centered on the two of them together. Her dreams are about what she's doing with her day.

If is important to note that Dr. Laura frequently refers to a man marrying as a man "laying down his life".

Men: Want to pursue your dreams? Want to live your life instead of laying it down? DON'T MARRY. When you marry, it becomes all about her. And if you have children it is all about them. So don't do those things. Now, Dr. Laura and others  might accuse you of being selfish or immature or "afraid of commitment" or some other negative label. So what? You can console yourself with all of your freedom and financial security and enjoying your dreams and NOT dealing with nagging and hostility from the person who is sharing your home. That way, the woman you would have married can work whatever job she wants to. She won't have to deal with your request she be a "slave" like you have been.

Cats and Batteries

Part of Dennis Prager’s selling of marriage involves selling women on marriage. To his credit, he doesn’t just focus on selling marriage to men. Fortunately, for him, he got a call to his show, which I heard, that he turned into this column. I have no idea if she was one of those hired callers some shows use.

I found the column at Townhall, which is part of Salem, the company replacing Michael Medved with Sebastian Gorka at the end of the year. There, the column had the headline ”A Message to Young Women from a Career Woman”.

Every Wednesday, the second hour of my national radio show is the "Male/Female Hour." A few weeks ago, a woman named Jennifer called in. For reasons of space, I have somewhat shortened her comments. Every young woman should read them. This is precisely what she said:

Every young woman.

Married Fathers Do Better in the Workplace?

[Bumped up from Oct. 21, 2014 because it is still relevant.] On the episode of the Michael Medved Show still airing as I type this, Medved is talking about how a study says being a father can increase your success in the workplace while being a mother can limit your success in the workplace. While some of Medved's point is that men and women are different, he also again is trying to sell marriage to men. He cites all of the effort unmarried men put into "chasing women".

The problem with these statistics is that they lump everyone unmarried together. That means guys who can't get a date are lumped in with men who deliberately avoid marriage and fatherhood.

Things have changed a little bit since Medved was a single guy.

Today, the unmarried guys who aren't avoiding women entirely can spend very little time, money, or effort to get sex with a variety of women (thanks, feminism!).

Also, unmarried guys can work more and longer hours and don't have to check in with the "control tower" to get approval to do so. It is easier for unmarried, childless guys to go on business trips, network at happy hours and business lunches, and move for promotions. Married fathers are now expected by their wife/child to take time off to go to school, sporting, and performance events. That's a detriment to work.

Yes, there are the masses out there who let life wash over them and those guys who can't get dates because they have no game. However, there is a growing percentage of men who think these things through and are deliberately avoiding marriage and fatherhood and are better employees as a result.

I know with certainty that I was a better employee when I was single and childless. I know I'd also be taking home more pay, if not outright having a more advanced career.

In a culture in which women are becoming more and more difficult (more personality disorders, etc.), having a wife is increasingly becoming a liability to a man's career. (Remember, I'm talking about men dealing with women. If you're a woman, you might have found men increasingly problematic.)

When people like Medved tout stats about married men earning more, they want us to believe that marriage has "civilized" the man and encouraged him to work harder. But once again we're dealing with a correlation that could have a different explanation: maybe it is the men who are likely to earn more who attract a wife rather than the men who get married who are likely to earn more? Ever notice that women tend to prefer a man who earns more over one who doesn't earn as much? Implying that a man will do better professionally if he marries can be very misleading and set people up for failure.

Finally, even if I did earn more than I would have if I never married and never became a father, since half of my earnings legally belong to my wife, I'd have to earn twice as much to be personally better off. Also, so much of my money goes into raising the children. So a slightly better income is more than offset, isn't it?

Video Games, Employment, and Marriage

Matt Walsh posted this Daily Wire story by Paul Bois to knock men for supposedly "playing video games instead of finding jobs"/

A new study shows that young males would rather sit on their rears while playing "Grand Theft Auto" than look for long, steady work.

Oh really now?

According to research from economists from Princeton, the University of Rochester and the University of Chicago, non-college educated men are rejecting full-time employment and spending as much as 40 hours a week playing video games.

I'm sure there are some who did this. But how many have been looking hard for work, aren't finding it, and are enjoying a little entertainment with their free time? What are those guys supposed to do? Oh, I know... they're supposed to be lackeys to women.

​The University of Chicago's Erik Hurst, an economist at the Booth School of Business, confirms that happiness, at least for now, has gone up among this group of people.

This is when the misandrists say that happiness shouldn't be a goal.

Employed Parents

You remember the guy who did the worst Prager U video ever, based on my personal opinion and viewer reactions? It's the video that told men they should get married because they'd earn more money but neglected to mention that 1) if his wife divorced him, most of his money would go to her and lawyers, and 2) even she stay married to him, most of his money would be spent by her? Yeah.

Well a tweet by him caught my attention. It linked to a Bloomberg story carried by Yahoo claiming that having children is a bad career move for women. The text of the tweet was:

As if money is the only thing to live for

Yup. From the guy who wanted men to stop doing the things they enjoyed under the lure of "you'll make more money!"

Rebecca Greenfield reports:

A Bad Choice With Permanent Results

I recently went to a gathering/reunion of sorts. It was hosted to remember someone with whom I use to work who took his own life.

Aside from the fact that I do not believe we are, in the ultimate sense, our own (I believe we belong to God) and this kind of suicide is morally wrong, I also believe that life is way too short as it is.

But "John", I'll call him, obviously didn't feel that way. I don't have much information with which to work, but from what I understand, the suicide could have been motivate by the fact that he'd essentially been unemployed for the last four years.

He was a handsome, friendly guy with a great smile and a great sense of humor, and he did have artistic talent. He just wasn't make a living with it.

For most men, being unemployed that long is spirit-crushing. Career women are an extremely important part of today's world, and for some women, their careers are everything. But the fact remains, women tends to marry men who earn more than they do. Quality women who want a family tend to look for men who will provide enough "security" for them to not have to work full time. When a woman hears from a female friend that the friend is seeing a new man, the first, or one of the first questions will be "What does he do for a living?" if it wasn't immediately stated. Men don't care all that much what each other's girlfriends do for a living (a guy will boast about his date's job only if it implies she is beautiful/sexy).

For men like John, not having a successful career is devastating.

John had a brother and countless cousins. He probably looked around him and saw all of them in their marriages and raising children. He was in his mid-40s and hadn't been able to build enough stability or savings to support a family, and probably realized that even if his career were to take off tomorrow, it was going to be too late for him to build a relationship, marry, have children, and fit in to the culture of his extended family.

It is too bad he didn't see the good possibilities ahead, even if he never married, even if he ended up working a low-level job for the rest of his life. It is too bad that he did this to his family and friends.

I've known too many people who have taken their own lives.

Life is too short as it is. There are always good times ahead. There is help. Get help instead of doing this to those who love you.

Should Christians Marry Younger?

This entry is very long may be of no interest to my readers who are not Theists.

I usually catch some of Frank Pastore's show in the Los Angeles radio market. Pastore has a great show and I generally think he’s awesome. (Long story short: Pastore had a horrible childhood, was an atheist who scoffed at believers, became an MLB pitcher, had a career-ending injury, and became a Christian after being challenged by teammates. He got formal education that equipped him to talk intelligently about religion, philosophy, and politics.) On Tuesday's show, he was again talking about a concept I've heard him discuss before, because Dr. Al Mohler had been on "Focus on the Family" talking about it.

Here's the concept:

Christians should be raising children from birth with the expectation that they will marry at about ages 18-20, and the Church (Christians) should support such young newlyweds as they "grow into adulthood together".

Why? Because what we're doing now, which is telling our young people to complete their education, mature, and establish their careers before marrying at about ages 25 to 30, while we also are telling people to save sex for marriage (wink, wink) isn’t "working". It isn't working as evidenced by all of the shacking up, fornication, unwed pregnancies, and multiple "failed" relationships going on with "Christians"… which may, possibly, unthinkably, lead to the horrible abomination of.... men admiring pictures of nude women.

Okay, so I added that last part, but "porn use" is one of the problems cited with having people who are feeling raging hormones by age 13 wait 12 to 17 years to marry.

Mohler presents marriage as the expected norm in a way so as to portray the "gift of celibacy" that would allow a good Christian to stay unmarried as extremely rare. (Unfortunately, some men find that the "gift" of celibacy isn’t so rare in wives.) It could be taken in a way so that unmarried people are made to feel like something is wrong with them and they aren’t being good Christians, even if they aren’t fornicating.

Even lowering the age most Christians marry to 18 isn't going to eliminate the problem. As Mohler himself notes, people are growing physically/sexually mature at younger ages – currently by 13. Even if people do marry by 18, that still leaves five years of raging hormones. How many "Christian" children lose their virginity before 18? Would that number go down if they know they'll likely only have to wait until 18 rather than 25?

Part-Time Sister Wife?

NEEDS A BREAK IN PHOENIX wrote in to Dear Abby:

I'm 53, work in an office six to eight hours a day, and then come home to cook dinner and do household chores.

Sounds like life.

My husband, "Todd," is 48. He works eight to 10 hours a day and expects sex three to four times a week.

"Expects"?

I'm exhausted and can't do it anymore!

Then quit your job. Marital lovemaking isn't supposed to be a chore. Be happy your husband, who is younger, still wants your 53-year-old body. This is yet another example of why some men avoid marriage.

My best friend, "Mavis," has been a widow for five years. She tells me she's going crazy because she hasn't had sex in all this time. She asked if I'd share Todd just one night a week.

Mavis could be having sex if she wants. She could be doing so with a new husband, or fornicating with a steady or different guys. It is her choice, really, although she's not going to have the best men to choose from. Maybe that is why she is trying to horn in on your man. Don't compound the problem by inviting her to commit adultery with your husband.

Mavis isn't pretty, but she has a very shapely figure. Frankly, I'm ready to agree, but I haven't mentioned it to Todd.

Don't. Either he'll like the idea, or be profoundly hurt or disgusted. Neither would be a good reaction.

If my husband agrees, it would take a lot of pressure off me and I could sure use the rest. What are your thoughts on this arrangement?

Have you called the folks at TLC? They could film all of this. I'd recommend MTV, but you're over 25.

Dear Abby, who has no problem endorsing fornication as long as adultery isn't involved, gets all judgmental:

Please find another way to take a break. What you're contemplating would likely be the beginning of the end of your marriage.

So? Sounds like she's not so happy in it and is breaking or wants to break the vows anyway. If she had instead written to you and said the truth another way – that she is unhappy with her husband and sexually incompatible, wouldn't you tell her to leave him anyway?

You may think you'd be "safe" because Mavis isn't pretty, but to quote Benjamin Franklin, "In the dark, all cats are gray."

From what I understand, Franklin would know. Actually, given the wife's attitude and Mavis' "hunger", it would be easy for the husband to find Mavis to be a much better lover regardless of how she looks.

If you're tired, let Mavis help with the chores -- but not this one.

She didn't offer a solution. Sex isn't supposed to be a chore. How about dropping down to part-time work? Or hiring domestic help? Her husband probably does things around the house, too – notice she doesn't say he doesn’t lift a finger around the house. But he's not too tired for sex. Something tells me she wouldn't be too tired for sex with George Clooney.

Doesn't sound like they have minor children in the mix. Imagine if they did. That's the reality of so many married couples theses days. Both have full work schedules and they have minor children. Why? Often because women have been told they must have careers outside the home, and they wouldn't respect their husbands if their husbands didn’t also have careers. Or because people think they need bigger homes, more cars, more vacations, more toys. Or they are trying to save up to fork over money to some increasingly expensive and ever-worsening institutions of indoctrination, er, uh, higher learning.

Anyway, back to the idea of having another woman do some of the "heavy lifting". Be honest, ladies, if nobody else would find out and there wasn't a religious issue, do you think you'd consider something like this? Or maybe you'd be the one who'd want someone else (male or female) in addition to your hubby. Men can be deeply in love with and attracted to their wives, and still find other women strongly attractive. Given male sexual nature, I think most men would take on another woman if there wasn't a religious issue and if the wife would be agreeable. We have plenty of examples of men who do this even with the religious prohibition and even though it hurts their wives deeply.

Build a Life Before Making More Life

Most of us no longer live our entire lives on a small family farm, or in the family shop. It is a different matter now to build a nest to raise a family. ANONYMOUS MOTHER IN NORTH CAROLINA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a young mother in my early 20s with two young children and another on the way.

LDS in an LDS community? Otherwise this usually doesn't go so well.

I have been married to my high school sweetheart for three years. We have been together since we were young teenagers.

Hmmm.

Both of us come from single-parent families, and our marriage has been less than perfect.

Well, yeah, the odds of marital survival are slim. My guess is you're not LDS. (I'm not, either.)

I work a full-time swing shift.

With what time?

My husband works only a part-time swing shift job.

Ah. Well, if he changed his shift, he could be there more for the kids.

I have asked him to take on another part-time job so we can be more comfortable financially, but he refuses.

Good thinking on your part. Let's make sure your kids never see either of you. Why don't you change your lifestyle so that you can get by on one full-time job? It is because you were both so busy making babies that you (plural) didn't get educated/trained for a career?

He says if I want more money in the household, I will have to get a second job.

Sounds reasonable to me. Look at that! He's bought into the feminist idea of "respecting" you as a career woman.

If it wasn't for our families' free baby-sitting, I don't know how we could afford child care.

So you're letting your parents/siblings raise your kids?

We have no money in the bank, and we are deep in debt.

Yeah, that tends to happen when you get married so young to your high school sweetheart and make three babies.

I feel overwhelmed with too much responsibility and don't know what to do about it.

Change your life around so that you can get by with one person going out of the home to earn the income. The other person can work from home. Other than that, you're pretty much stuck and you can be a good warning to others.

Dear Abby responded:

Start by telling your husband that with a third child on the way, you are in no position to take on another job -- but he is.

So Dear Abby isn't into gender equality?

If he refuses -- and he very well may -- then you will need to think seriously about your and your children's future, and to what degree it includes him.

Oh yeah, because divorce would do such great things for her finances and the kids.

This is who she chose to marry. She chose to make babies. She could have gone off to college, prepared herself to earn, met man with higher earning potential, or waited until this guy started his career. She could have done so many other things. But I know – she loved him. He loved her. And that meant they just had to get married and start having kids when they did.

More Childless Women

Amanda Marcotte, who blogs at pandagon.net and rhrealitycheck.org and identifies as a "progressive" said she was surprised by a recent Pew Research Center study showing that the share of American women who are not becoming mothers has nearly doubled since 1976, from 10 percent of the population to 18 percent. She writes in "The Real Reason More Women Are Childless"…

Personally, I was happy to see that more women feel free to forgo childbearing.

Why? You don’t want new labor, inventors, investors, managers, artists, engineers, taxpayers, and soldiers to keep things going? You'd rather American culture be replaced? Yes, it is nice for them to know they have the choice not to become mothers. But that fewer Americans with the capabilities to be good parents are having children is not a good thing.

But there seems to be a pushback...

According to Pew, 38 percent of Americans now denounce childlessness as bad for society. That's up from 29 percent just two years ago.

That some people never have children is fine. If just about everyone didn't have children, isn't it self-evident that it would be bad for society? It isn't good for a team if most of the team dies off and isn't replaced.

So what's behind the increase in women choosing the non-mom route? According to social conservatives, legal abortions are to blame for declining birth rates.

Somewhat, sure. Unless you believe that, even with contraception around, women are getting pregnant at such higher rates than when abortion rates were much lower (say, 40 year ago) that the increase in abortions among previously childless women can't offset that increase. Abortion is the symptom, though – it doesn't explain why women don't want a child (except when abortion damages her emotionally, or physically, so she can't).

My guess is that 1) we've turned children into more of a liability instead of an asset, and 2) women are now more self-centered.

However, that doesn't mean that the passage of Roe v. Wade had no impact on the upturn in childless women. Defense of legal abortion led feminists to create a national discourse around the concept of "choice," which helped legitimize the decision to remain childless. This created a space for women who never wanted children to embrace their true desires.

Yes, talking about what a horrible drag children are – so much of a drag that dismembering them is the best option in millions of cases - can have that effect.

Part of this new self-awareness might mean that women are forsaking motherhood because we're finally admitting that it isn't all it's cracked up to be.

Maybe it isn't, if you're bad at it, or you're bad at picking a father for your kids - or you were delusional about what it was going to be like. Your parents downplay the "negatives" of having children until after they are born, because they want grandchildren. Then once they have their grandchildren, they respond to your complaints about what you don't like about how your life has changed with "Oh.... yeah... well, that happens when you have kids."

As last week's New York magazine cover story documented, parenthood is becoming increasingly miserable because of the exploding expectations placed on mothers—making the child-free lifestyle seem all the more attractive.

Motherhood has always been hard and consuming. Where are these new expectations coming from? Ah, that's right. Feministas who tell mothers they need to have careers, too, and the people who encourage women to raise children without a man, drive husbands away, neglect husbands, or divorce good husbands. That brings on more obligations for a mother.

In 1988, only 39 percent of Americans disagreed with the notion that the childless "lead empty lives." Now a majority-59 percent-disagree that childlessness automatically means you're unfulfilled.

I do agree that someone can be fulfilled without ever raising children. But as Dennis Prager points out, they haven't experienced the most they can. That's true about a lot of things in life, but parenting is a much bigger thing.

Still, a woman who chooses to remain childless continues to face a series of negative stereotypes, from claims that she's selfish to implications that she's too career-minded and self-centered to remember to breed before it's too late.

There are people who have children for selfish reasons as well as people who don't for selfish reasons. And some people have children because they are lazy and had sex without caring enough to do something to avoid conception. That's just reality.

But clearly there are upsides to childlessness. Just looking around my own apartment, I can see the value in furniture that's gone unruined, cats that have gone unbothered, and a distinct lack of toys cluttering up my floor.

That's it? Can’t you come up with more? I sure can. More free time and money, more freedom in general/fewer obligations. Everything is a trade off, though. I'll take my son's laugh over preserved furniture any day.

Gayle, age 30, drolly observed, "My ovaries do not stir when I see a baby."

I hope for her sake she feels the same way when it is too late. Even if she regrets not having kids, it will be better than if she had kids and then neglected them. But I'd prefer everyone be happy with not having had kids if they didn't, and having kids if they did.

Most believed that it wasn't harmful to society and could, in fact, be beneficial. But few spoke about benefits to the environment or women's pocketbooks. Instead, childless women argued that increasing childlessness is good … for the children.

"Honey, me not giving you a diamond engagement ring is good for the ring." How can it be good for a kid for the kid to be aborted, or for the kid to not exist in the first place?

Dana, age 34, made this case forcefully. "Many children are treated bad or abandoned. Some live their entire lives in foster care."

But this doesn't explain why Dana chooses to be childless, unless she's saying she would be abusive or neglectful.

Natalie agreed that her attachment to her disposable income could be considered selfish but said, on the other hand, "When I ask friends of mine who have/want kids what their reasons are, the answers range from 'I don't know' to 'I want someone to love me' to 'I want someone to take care of me in my old age,' which are not only also selfish but poorly reasoned."

I agree. Like I said, some people have selfish motivations either way. However, whether from a Darwinian or a theistic paradigm, having children is not inherently selfish. It is how we continue our society.

Could these childless women be harbingers of a new world, one in which parenthood is considered an active choice and not simply the default state of adulthood?

Uhm, hasn't it been that way for decades now? I chose to have kids. I actively made that choice. There was a time when I considered not ever becoming a father.

Cindy Krischer Goodman also wrote about this. She is CEO of BalanceGal LLC, "a provider of news and advice on how to balance work and life."

A look behind the numbers reveals more of what this trend reflects - a generation of women who are not necessarily choosing career over kids but rather finding that time has passed and their focus has been elsewhere. Women are starting businesses in record numbers, advancing in corporate arenas, and blazing career trails in male-dominated industries. They are the bulk of people getting advanced degrees, and they are getting married later in life.

That’s all fine. I'd rather a woman not have a children only to have that child raised by strangers and MTV.

Many of these women say they are happy and fulfilled.

Good for the ones who are.

Some have made work a priority, but others discovered by the time they found the right mate and decided to have children, they couldn't.

And a lot of those women were playing around with guys who weren't "the right mate" for a good chunk of the time, and a many of those could have found the right mate if they’d really wanted to... they probably even rejected him or he avoided her because she was with some jerk.

At the same time, childless people in today's workplace often feel their personal time is less valued. "If you have a pet in distress and need time off, it's not viewed the same as a child who needs to go to doctor," Lauby said.

Nor should it be. I'm a pet owner, but pets are not humans.

I'm encouraged that women are increasingly exercising their right to choose the circumstances under which they have children.

Who isn't?

While I am a father and enjoy my kids, I'm not one of those "everyone should have kids" people, nor someone who thinks women shouldn't have careers. No woman (or man, for that matter) should have children unless they want to and prepared to be good parents. In fact, I think that women who do get pregnant and don't want to be mothers should give their child up for adoption. I don't want to "punish them with a child" as some would way. Let someone else be blessed by being able to raise that child.

What Do You Want to Be?

What do you want to be when you grow up?

HOPELESS IN CHANDLER, ARIZ wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a 19-year-old guy who doesn't know what I want to do with my life.

A lot of people are in that boat. Even some people who are sure they know what they want to do with their life when they are 19 end up doing something else – and a lot of them are happy. Sure, some people know from age 10 and never waver and they realize that goal and they never change careers or family plans. But a lot of people do change their minds. A great many people do not end up doing the thing for which they thought they were getting their college degree.

I know I'm still young and shouldn't stress out about what my career in life will be, but nothing seems to interest me. I don't want to be a doctor or an astronomer like some do. I can't cook or play any instruments, and I'm not very good with numbers. I have thought of hundreds of careers -- and I hate them all.

Maybe you're depressed? Are you being drugged up? Some people (including some of our youth) are pessimistic or cynical or discouraged about life in general. To them, the world either doesn’t make any sense or seems prohibitively oppressive. But there are opportunities - so many things left to be done, discovered, and created.

You didn't mention people. How are you with people? Maybe you'll find yourself if you go on a mission or serve a charitable cause.

Dear Abby gives some good words, including this...

Although you have decided what jobs do not interest you, nowhere have you mentioned any areas in which you excel. For that reason I'm advising you to go to your nearest community college career counseling center and ask to take some aptitude tests. People usually enjoy doing something they're good at.

Here's what I would say to someone in his position (and some others):

Yes, take those aptitude tests.

Take general education courses and introductory courses at community college. You may find something you like, and you won't be blowing the money you would be at a college or university.

Is it possible you want to be "just" a father/househusband? If you want kids and are good with kids, then you can probably find a career-minded woman who would rather climb the corporate ladder and would benefit from having a husband at home raising her kids and taking care of her. If you can find one who can still respect you as a man and not resent you for staying home, then it could work out.

Leaving aside parenting, every person has something to offer their fellow human beings. We all have some talents, some aptitude, some resource. For some people it is the ability to think through complex things fast. For others it is artistry; others have physical strength; others are exceptionally beautiful; others are good as listening; for others it is a trust fund; etc. There are so many different aspects to us, and we all have something in abundance that we can trade to other human beings for things we lack and need or desire.

Think hard and come up with these lists... ask other people if you need to:

What are you good at? (There is something – probably many things.)

What do you like to do, even if you aren't the best at it?

What can you do that will get people to pay you money?

The lists are going to look different from each other. But there will likely be at least one thing that each list will have in common.

That is what you focus on.

One you find that, you find out how to make a life of it. Find others who have done it or something like it, and find out how they got to where they are.

This book might help.

She Wants to Climb the Ladder, He Doesn't

Dear Abby got a letter for a "high school sweetheart" who is questioning her relationship. GOAL-ORIENTED GAL IN DALLAS wrote:

I am 21 and have been with my high school sweetheart, "Andy," for six years.

This is generally not good. I mean, it had a better chance of working 75 years ago and out in small town farm country. But today, unless you are raised and staying in a very structured, homogenous, and independent community, the odds are that this isn't going to last. Likely, both of these people have stunted their growth for sake of staying close to each other.

I can see myself with him for the rest of my life,

Of course you can, because you've never known anything else.

but there's a problem. I am very career-oriented and have big dreams for going far, but Andy is the complete opposite. He didn't finish school and is content with a low-paying job for his "career."

Okay, well, can't you have a career without him wanting is own? That is why it would be your career.

I have spoken to him several times about my goals. He is supportive, but has no plans on doing anything for himself.

Yeah? And? Although it is not explicitly included in her letter, the subtext here is, "Shouldn't my guy always earn more money than me, or at least be like me in ambition?" Most women marry a man who earns more than they do. Notice that he supports her goals – so he supposedly will respect her career.

Nowhere in the letter does say she wants to be a "stay-at-home" mother, in which case she would have a legitimate concern about how the family would pay bills.

Should I stay with Andy and lower my dreams or give up on him?

Why do you have to lower your dreams to be with him just because he doesn't have the same level of career ambition? Actually, for both men and women, it is easier to climb the career ladder these days if they are unmarried and childless, so that they can put in long hours, network, relocate as needed, and travel. But if he doesn't have his own career ambitions, then he should be more willin to relocate with you.

Did I mention that he has no one to depend on but me?

Well, yes, he does. He has himself. But if you're supporting him financially, no wonder he is supportive of your career ambitions.

Besides this issue, our relationship is perfect.

You can probably find a career-driven guy with whom you can also have a "perfect" relationship. If you do reach your career goals, you will be in a place to meet more potential prospects.

Dear Abby responded:

You are responsible for your future, and Andy is responsible for his.

Exactly!

This woman has no experience with a relationship that began when she was an adult. She doesn't have much to compare. She may be happy, which is fine. But perhaps she could be a lot happier. Now, that is no reason to end a relationship... if you are happy and things are right, don't obsess over whether or not there is greener grass out there. But I would not advise my own child to get so serious with someone as a teenager, or to fall into the trap of thinking that a dating relationship is supposed to last as long as both people are sexually attracted to each other, or haven't committed some huge wrong against each other.

There are billions of people out there to choose from. (Even more billions if you are bisexual!)