Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow II

The Best of Dr. Laura is airing, since Dr. Laura, like a lot of other radio hosts, is on vacation for the holidays. On Monday, in the third hour, about 20 minutes into the podcast, a woman called in to say her husband had stopped initiating sex with her a few weeks back and when asked why, he told her that he was turned off because she had her hair redone.

Dr. Laura blamed the man and called him unloving, citing another husband who was caring for his wife as she was losing her hair due to chemotherapy.

But this is likely apples and oranges. Now, I think Dr. Laura gets it right so often, and all you have to do is check out other things I’ve written here about her to know I’m no Dr. Laura hater. But sometimes, I disagree.

Losing your hair because you are being medically treated to save your life is not the same thing as deciding to go against your husband's desires and intentionally, unnecessarily change one of the things that attracted him to you. In doing so, the wife was telling her husband she didn't care what he wants.

Maybe Dr. Laura knew more about the situation than made it to the air during the call (due to screening), but the information that went out over the air was not enough to definitively decide if this was a case of a husband who is a jerk or has a problematic fixation or need for too much control – or if it was a matter of a wife choosing to make herself less attractive to her husband.

I've known women who have kept their hair long all through dating, and then immediately after marrying, they chop it off and start to butch up. I know at least one who did it literally the next day after the wedding. My wife pointed it out to me. You know what message that sends to a husband and other men? "I care about getting a man to sign on the dotted line. After that, I’m not going to care." An attitude like that is what is the big turn-off, not necessarily the actual hair style.

This is not to deny that there are men who would welcome the new hairstyle or even requested it. There are also men who don't care either way. But most men do have a preference and for most men, it was part of what attracted him to his wife in the first place. If a husband has a preference, it should be honored (as should his wife's preferences about his facial hair). Dr. Laura has told women who've called in wanting to cut their hair short over the objection of a husband not to do it. But in this case, the damage was already done.

Ah ha! I suspected I had previously written something like this before. I searched and found a posting with the same title.

Can She See Her Reflection on Your Scalp?

The balding issue reared its head, so to speak, in the same Dear Abby edition I cited in my previous entry. SMOOTH-HEADED IN TAMPA, FLA. wrote:

Why are some women so shallow that they won't date a man who is going bald? I mean, they do not even make the time to get to know us. They just turn us down.

Dating is optional and a mutual decision. Attraction isn't always going to be fair or rational. If a woman doesn't want to date a bald man, I won't fault her any more than a man who only will date women with breasts on the larger side.

Are there women out there who like men who are bald or getting there?

Do you live in a cave? Plenty of bald men attract women – maybe despite their baldness, but they do. (Some men like women with flat or nearly flat chests, too.) If you're having trouble, maybe there's something else about you that is keeping them away... like your lack of confidence. Maybe you should wear a hat made out of hundred dollar bills. That will attract women - but I'm not sure if they are the kind for whom you are looking.

One of my better features is my thick hair. I've never had a worry about losing my hair, and I'm thankful for that. I've never sported defined abs even when I had no extra fat, but I've used to my hair to my advantage.

Love the One You're With

I don't really know what happened between Kate Gosselin and her ex-husband Jon. I know that they made a lot of babies and then stuck them on TV in a regular "reality" show. I generally think inviting TV crews to follow your minor kids around or portray your marriage on an ongoing basis is a bad idea. The Duggars might be an exception.

From what was portrayed through their TV and has been portrayed in the gossip media – which often is a poor reflection of truth – Kate wasn't the warmest or most respectful wife, and Jon has been acting poorly for a while.

What I did notice is that now that she is divorced, Kate has acquired hair extensions so that she has "long hair" again.

Why do women do this? Why do they go back to long hair, dressing nicely, and hit the gym after divorce? The cynical answer is that they are "back on the market" and want to get the attention of the highest bidder they can. When they are married, they don't feel like they need to try because they already have a guy, and if he wants to leave, he'll probably get penalized for doing so. This isn't a ringing endorsement for marriage, ladies. Why can't women like this look nice for their husbands?

Maybe Jon was always a creep and she was deliberately trying to turn him off and knew they were heading for divorce and so didn't want to bother. But there are probably cases out there where making an effort to attract her husband would prevent a woman from going through a divorce in the first place.

Same goes for that type of guy who will do things for his second wife he wouldn't do for his first wife. By romancing and listening to his first wife, he may be able to keep the marriage fun and healthy, and thus keep his first wife.

No matter how she does herself up now, guys should avoid Kate Gosselin, at least until all of those eight kids are grown. It doesn't matter how nice her hair gets. And Jon should concentrate on his kids and not be bringing more drama and turmoil into their lives. And no, I'm under no delusion that my opinion matters to – or will even be read by – either of them.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

A recent Dear Abby consisted of letters responding to a column from this past November that I'm sure I wanted to address at some point, so I'm taking the opportunity to do that.

SHORT AND TRENDY IN WEST TEXAS wrote:

How do I make my husband understand that how I cut my hair has nothing to do with him?

Actually, it does. Men are visual creatures. We get turned on, in part, by appearances. We need to get turned on to function sexually, unless we have an implanted pump. We aren't like women, who can use a lubricant if self-lubrication isn't forthcoming.

I am 30 years old, and I have a full-time job and three kids who are involved in everything.

Ah. I see. Maybe she doesn't care whether or not her husband gets turned on because she doesn’t have the time or energy for lovemaking. Doesn't her husband work? Why is she working full-time if she is a wife and has three kids to raise? Liberation?

Because I am always on the go, I need a hairdo that is easy to manage and cute, so I ended up getting my hair cut short. I love it. It makes me feel younger, cuter and trendy.

When my husband and I started dating, I used to have long, thick hair -- but I was not aware that keeping my hair long was "part of the deal."

Should it have been stated in a pre-nup?

Isn't it MY hair?

It's your hair as much as his paycheck is his and his penis is his. If he wanted to take a lower-paying job because he enjoyed it more, should he respond to your objections with "It’s my job."? You pulled a bait and switch.

Too many women are utterly unconcerned about what their husbands want, yet he is supposed to cater to all of her wants – and he is supposed to know them without her explicitly telling him. How many women do you know who have changed (cut short, usually) their hair soon after he signed on the dotted line? Yes, there are men who strongly prefer short hair. They date women with short hair. If they first noticed you with long hair and dated you with long hair, they expect you're going to stick with the long hair.

Dear Abby responded:

You cut your hair "purposely to go against what he wants"? I wouldn't call your husband selfish. I would call him controlling.

Okay, so then husbands should be able to groom themselves - or not - any way they want that's different than when dating, or their wives are controlling? And maybe she has a history of doing other unnecessary things knowingly against his wishes.

You are no longer the carefree girl you were when you were dating. You are a woman with real responsibilities. And it's time for your husband to grow up, too.

Husbands could say the same thing about romancing their wives. You want flowers or chocolates or a nice dinner out? Too bad! We're not "carefree" daters any more.

She needs to put her husband and children before her work.

Here are the letters from the other day.

BEN IN HUNTSVILLE, ALA wrote:

I, too, like my wife's hair long, and I see nothing wrong with urging her to keep it that way. Personally, I hate shaving and have suggested to my wife that I might like to grow a beard. She said, "No way," so I keep shaving.

Oh, but that’s different, because husbands are supposed to do what their wives want.

LONG HAIR NO MORE IN COLORADO SPRINGS wrote:

I had long hair when my husband and I first were married. It was his desire that I keep it long, but as time went on it became a big hassle with the daily grind. Finally I told him that if he wanted my hair long, he would be the one taking care of it. So for one week my husband got up at 5 in the morning to wash it, dry it and style it. At the end of the week he told me, "Honey, you can do whatever you want with your hair."

Nice. How about you also go to work for your husband, mow the law, fix the car, and move the heavy objects? How was it that you were able to have long hair before you married? It smacks of "I got him to sign on the dotted line, now I don't need to try anymore."

J.B. IN WINNSBORO, S.C. wrote:

I had the same problem with my husband. My response to him was if he wanted long hair, then he should grow HIS out. He hasn't bothered me about it since.

Probably because he found a woman with long hair.

Geez. It isn't like these men are asking these women for something unusual or unnatural. Ladies, you can’t help getting older. You can't help the sagging and the wrinkling and all of the other things that come with age without surgery. But you can keep you hair long.

Women like these, believe it or not, are a significant factor in why some men have called a marriage strike. If they are unwilling to keep doing something so simple to keep their husbands happy, it doesn't bode well for husbands.