Time

 
Time is limited.

Life goes by fast.

Memento mori.

I knew this from an early age. Unlike many other people my age when I was a kid, I wasn't always looking forward to being older. I knew that I was only going to be 11, 12, 13, etc. once. I knew that time moves in one direction. I suppose part of it is that I had a generally good childhood. My parents, for the most part, were really great parents. It wasn't all a bed or roses. But I look back on it mostly fondly, and I think my parents generally gave me a better childhood than my kids are getting.

Ask any lucid old person who isn't in constant unbearable pain, even someone on their death bed, and they'll tell you that life is short.

I'm at the age where I most likely have fewer years ahead of me than behind me.

I bring this up because it is one reason I encourage men (and women!) to be, stay, and enjoy independence. Enjoy life. Stay free. Don't waste your time.

There are things we must do even if we don't want. Others, not so much. For most men, what we now call marriage isn't what they really want to do, and they shouldn't. But this doesn't have to be about marriage. It can be about staying in a job when you are able to survive without it. Or putting up with a "friend" who brings more bad than good to our life, or trying to keep a relationship with a relative who isn't a good person, or continuing an activity that has lost overall benefit to you.

It's why you shouldn't give scam calls/texts/emails or door-knocking salespeople or a movie you find lacking in purpose to you a second more time than absolutely necessary.

Time is slipping by. Each of us has less time in this life every second that goes by.

Life is short. Time is precious. Don't waste your time.

Checking Up On Your Classmates

Men and women are different, and life works out accordingly.

Ladies, you’re three paths towards making it to “the good life”:

1. Being born into it (over which you didn’t have control) and not squandering it (over which you do have control).

2. Serving the needs and wants of others in financial transactions (employment, investments).

3. Attracting and marrying a successful man before your looks fade too much, and keeping him for the rest of your life, or at least long enough for the laws of your state or the provisions of a prenup to leave you well off.


If this stark reality sounds awful, look at it this way: It is one more option than men have. Academia and the workplace are now oriented towards the needs and tendencies of women. Female CEOs earn more than male CEOs. The workplace is your oyster.

The good news for men is that it is still true that a man's attracting ability tends to increase as he gets older, at least into old age, while a woman's attracting ability tends to decrease. That's because when it comes to initial attraction, men are visual and women want a man with money, power, and/or fame (or "security and confidence", but it is the same thing thing).

Guys, if you're in your later 30s or older, you can have a good laugh by looking up your high school classmates (Facebook) or especially by attending a 20-year, 25-year, or 30-year reunion. Time (and calories) haven't been kind to most of the girls who were considered the most beautiful and were ever so popular when I was in high school. There are a couple of exceptions, to be sure, and there are those girls who were awkward in high school who became beautiful, poised, confident (and more than capable) women. But there are women who wouldn't give me the time of day back when we were in high school who are unrecognizable now, and not in a good way. And if they got used to getting by on their looks, they're in trouble now. I can honestly say that my wife, who didn't go to my school (and if she had, it would have been after I had graduated anyway... heh heh), is easily more beautiful than any of my high school classmates.

More importantly, though, is that she's an excellent wife in most and important respects. Reading some of the Facebook updates, I can see that some of my classmates aren't or wouldn’t be.

I'm so glad I didn't get into a "high school school sweethearts" thing with one of those girls and get married. Ugh. I shudder at the thought.

Thank you, Lord, for saying "No!" to my foolish, childish prayers back then.

Deflation and Sagging

This is one of those brutally honest posts that necessitates my anonymity, to protect the innocent (not me… my wife). It is about body parts, not the economy. You are warned.

High School Kid Mourns Over What Is Not Yet Lost

LEAVING IT ALL BEHIND IN LOUISIANA wrote in to Dear Abby:

I am a junior in high school and will graduate next year. I attend a private school where I have made many good friends -- teachers included -- and have created many happy memories.

I have just been hit with the realization that my time in high school is running out. Once I leave for college, I may never see or talk to my friends here again. I can't process the thought of having such great friends and mentors and losing them. I'm afraid for the future and how I will miss everything I've experienced at my school.

Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with all this? I can barely sleep because I feel like it's only going to get worse.

I can identify with this kid. I felt much the same way, although not to the point of losing sleep. But as a teen, I never was one of those who were just dying to get older. I realized that I was only going to be 13, 14, 15, etc. once. That the moment I was in was not going to last. That life comes to an end. Stopping to smell the roses is a good idea, while still planning for the future.

This kid actually has an advantage. A lot of classmates haven’t really stopped to consider the implications. Or they are so miserable they just can’t want to get out and get away.

Unlike when I was that age, online communications are such that you never really have to lose touch anyone who wants to keep in touch. My advice would be to spend some time with these people one-on-one or in small groups (peers, I’m talking about – not adults), and set down the groundwork for an ongoing friendship. Make the effort to keep in touch. Everyone’s busy right now with their crushes and with trying to finish school and get into the college of their choice, so an effort has to be made to keep in contact.

Keep a contact list, complete with things like birthdays and notes about someone’s family and interests. Social networking sites pretty much do this for you already.

Consider setting up a desk with nice stationary, a nice pen, envelopes, special stamps and address labels, and actually writing these people through snail mail. Or, do it electronically.

Don't be surprised, though, if you only keep in contact with a handful of people. Some people are lazy about staying in touch, or they get so wrapped up in their education and career and significant other that they don't have the time. Or, you'll find that there really wasn't much to the relationship other than your shared geography, institution, and age... and that won't be enough.

As far as the teachers and other adults, approach them when the professional relationship is ending, and let them know you admire them and appreciate what they’ve done (a gift might be a good idea) and let them know you’d like to keep in contact. Most teachers especially like it when former students drop by to offer some encouragement.

When Grampa Avoids Being a Husband

Does anyone identify with this one? CONNOR'S G-MA IN VIRGINIA wrote in to Dear Abby:

Our daughter gave birth to an adorable little boy three years ago.

Great!

We love "Connor" dearly, but my husband is obsessed with him. He wants our grandson at our house every weekend from the time we are done working on Friday until Sunday evening or Monday morning.

My husband wants to take Connor everywhere we go.

You didn't mention a son. You mention "chidren" in the letter, but perhaps you meant "daughters"? If you didn't havea son, it is entirely possible that your husband regrets not having one, and so he treats his grandson like a son. Being a parent of children of both sexes, there is a difference. A daughter is not loved any less by a father, but the father is going to have different kind of bond with a son. You also didn't mention a son-in-law. If there is no steady father in Connor's life, his grandfather might be trying to be that role model.

Abby, I love my grandson, but after raising our own children, I'd now like to focus on our lives and maybe have time for myself.

That brings me to the other possibility here. Your husband doesn't want to spend a lot of time alone with you. Did you have much time together when you married before having your daughter? Has career kept him occupied most of this time? Sometimes, people get to this point in life - after the excitement of dating, a rush to get married becaue of a pregnancy, and the consuming routing of rasing children - and realize that they don't (or no longer) feel like they have common interests with their partners, or don't want to rely on their partner to fill their days. It could be no fault of your own, other than not ensuring you regularly had time alone together over the years. Or, if you've been difficult, he may not want to suffer you.

Most men, even at that age, want more time alone with their partner-in-lovemaking. Does he have health problems that inhibit sexual function? Does he have an unenthusiastic partner?

Dear Abby wrote:

You deserve time for yourself, so TAKE it. If your husband won't cooperate, schedule activities with some of your women friends. Do not allow yourself to be bullied into being an unwilling baby sitter because it isn't healthy for any of you.

I agree completely, but that only deals with part of the problem. It doesn't solve the aspect of what to do when she wants time alone with her husband.

What's your take?

News Flash: Men With ED Don’t Have Sex Often

Okay, so my headline is a little sarcastic. There’s a report out on a study suggesting that an active sex life in older men reduces the chances of ED.

It’s tempting, I’m sure, for older men to quote this to their wives who have been reluctant to engage in lovemaking. It might not be helpful, because if she doesn’t want to have sex to begin with, it might give her incentive to decrease the frequency even more hoping the man will get ED). Of course, anyone involved in research can tell you that correlation does not establish causation. How do we know that it wasn’t ED that led the men who had less sex to have less sex in the first place? Perhaps the things that caused ED (such as obesity) also turned off potential sexual partners. Or, in the case of women attracted to money – if a man has less testosterone and is therefore less aggressive or ambitious, he might find himself with ED and without a sexual partner – independent of each other, with both cause by the hormonal imbalance.

In a study that followed nearly 1,000 older Finnish men for five years, researchers found that those who were regularly having sex at the start of the study were at lower risk of developing erectile dysfunction (ED) by the study's end.

In fact, the more often the men had sex, the lower their ED risk.

The implication, say the researchers, is that men should be encouraged to stay sexually active into their golden years.

Hey, I don’t need any more encouragement.

Overall, those who said they had sex less than once per week were twice as likely to develop ED over the next five years as men who had sex at least once a week. Furthermore, compared with men who had sex three or more times per week, their ED risk was increased nearly four-fold.

A number of factors contribute to ED development, many of which could also affect a man's sexually activity -- such as age, diabetes and heart disease. However, after taking account of those factors, sexual activity itself remained linked to ED risk, Koskimaki's team found.

That’s key to making determinations.

It may be a matter of "use it or lose it," according to the researchers. Just as exercise boosts physical fitness, they note, regular sexual activity may help a man preserve his erectile function.

ED occurs when there are problems with blood flow to the penis. Regular sexual activity, Koskimaki's team writes, may help maintain healthy blood vessel function in the erectile tissue.

Sex is a form of exercise.

The news report doesn’t mention the marital and fidelity status of the participants, nor their masturbation frequency. The personal characteristics of a man’s wife just may have some correlation to whether or not he develops ED.

Along with what we know about prostate health, wives should take note: If you want a healthy husband, encourage him to have frequent erections and ejaculation. The best way to do this, of course, is to be his "girlfriend".