Keeping Boundaries As a Free Man

If you are a Free Man, meaning you don't have a wife and don't live with a woman, I implore you to enjoy your freedom. I also urge you to keep your freedom. 

That might sound easy. I mean, don't you have to decide to move in together and don't you have to ask a woman to marry you?

Sure, but it gets more complicated than that.

Some women literally scheme to get pregnant even though you've made it clear you don't want to have children. Some women incrementally move-in-by-stealth. Some women nag and nag and nag (and even get your family to join in) to get you to "propose".

You need to keep boundaries in order to stay a Free Man.

AVOID POP DNA TESTS. Don't buy them for your family, either. You can't stop them being foolish and taking them, but avoid taking one yourself. No good will come from one of those. The only time you should take a DNA test is through the advice and arrangement of your lawyer.


Monk or Ghost

This is the the most extreme way of staying a Free Man without literally going off to be an isolated hermit. Some men decide to avoid women as much as possible. They don't date, they don't have female friends, they don't work for or with women, and they don't have any professional or financial connections to women (for example, they refuse to have a woman as an accountant or doctor). That is extreme, but for some it works.


Stay Present But Independent

This is the less extreme way. You can still participate in society and interact with women. You just need to be persistent and firm in keeping yourself independent. Let's consider how to do this.

Being Older and Childfree

Ever obsessed with getting other people to marry or remarry and have children and completely baffled that there are people who want a different life from his, Dennis Prager asked (rhetorically, not as a call-in topic) during Hour 1 of his Wednesday, May 22, 2024 radio show what childfree people think as they get older.

I’m not childfree. I invite anyone who is “older” and childfree or has heard from someone who is, to leave a comment.

I’ll give a few examples of what I’ve heard:

Wow, I am enjoying retirement so much. Staying childfree allowed me to retire, and do so with enough money and freedom I can do the things I want.

Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with problematic children or grandchildren, like my classmate, who’s always talking about the drama she’s going through.

It’s great having the house I want and having it the way I want. It’s clean, orderly, set up for adults, and not all run down and dirty.

So glad I didn’t have to pay for college and weddings for kids and grandkids like my coworkers did. They’re still working while I’m retired.

Go ahead and add what you’ve thought or heard.

Answering Marriage Seller Assertions, Talking Points, and Questions - Part 12

Read Part 1 here and Part 2 here and Part 3 here and Part 4 here and Part 5 here and Part 6 here and Part 7 here and Part 8 here and Part 9 here and Part 10 here. and Part 11 here.


Single men commit more violent crime.

This can be true without the implication being "More men should sign a terrible state contract."

A) Do you mean to imply that if a violent criminal signs a terrible state contract, he'll become a good citizen? Are you telling women to marry violent criminals?

B) Maybe, just maybe, women are less likely to marry and stay married to violent men?

C) Younger men tend to commit more violent crime AND younger men are less likely to be married.

D) There is no proof that getting a terrible state contract will make a violent person less violent.

E) Do you think I'm going to go around committing violent crimes if I don't sign a terrible state contract?


Unmarried women do damage to society including by dependence on government.

This is one I've heard from Dennis Prager. Most people probably dismiss it immediately. But I'll address it just in case someone tries it with you.

A) I'm not obligated to sign a terrible state contract to modify the behavior of a woman.

B) Maybe that's why they are unmarried; because they are destructive?

C) We can encourage women to be better and independent without sacrificing men to do it.


Even if marrying could be conclusively shown to make men and women better, that wouldn't mean it is an obligation or the only or best way to do it, especially with current state contracts.

Staying a Free Man as a Churchgoer

Some of you attend a church or an equivalent. If you don’t, or you don’t care about staying a Free Man, skip over this entry.

Some of this might be adaptable to you if you attend a synagogue, temple, mosque, stake, Kingdom Hall, or some other congregation, but I’m most familiar with Protestant churches, especially of the “evangelical” variety.

You Don't Need a Girlfriend

Boys and men need to know that they don't need a wife and don't even need an exclusive girlfriend.

When I was growing up, what I learned from media - everything from advertisements to movies to television shows to books and especially music - was that "everyone" had a girlfriend and then a wife. If there was a breakup with the girlfriend, you had to find another girlfriend. This was how to be happy. Guys who didn't have a girlfriend or a wife, if they weren't gay or Catholic priests, were losers. My parents didn't tell me that, but they had each other. I didn't have an older brother to show me any differently.

It wasn't until I was heading into my mid-twenties that I finally realized what a load of crap that message was.

A really awful engagement was ending and I realized I'd rather be alone the rest of my life than endure any more of that.

I could have saved myself all sorts of trouble, all sorts of negative thinking going all the way back to sixth grade, if I had learned that it is OKAY, even preferable, to NOT have an exclusive girlfriend. Ever!

What If Being Free Was Just as Visible as Marriage?

A smaller percentage of Americans are married now than any time in American history.

Marriage, however, is constantly visible and it is sold with gusto, more than anything through focusing on weddings. What if being free was just as visible as marriage?

• What if it was common to have jewelry, photography, gifts, announcements, a series of parties, meals, ceremonies, special attire, receptions, cards, and anniversary celebrations related to divorce?
• What if we celebrated the free status of never-married person every year they were free?
• What if it was common to change your name or title based on your status of having chosen not to marry?
  

Seriously. What if, every year a man (or a woman) has made it through life avoiding marriage, there was a celebration of it? What if, when a man (or a woman) decided they wanted to stay free, there was a series of parties and a ceremony and reception for it? What if we had "independence counselors" like we have marriage counselors? (There's probably far less money in that, because free people don't have to argue with someone who shares their residence and bank account!)

What if more media depicted freedom as something to which to aspire? What if we encouraged kids to dream about growing up to be free?

What if more people posted on social media things like, "I came home to peace and quiet, with everything the way I want it. So glad to be free!"?

Men, especially, need to let younger men and boys see that being free can be a great life, and there's no shame in it at all.

How to Just Say No To Giving Up Your Freedom

Guys, especially if you're a certain age (and that age can vary by geography), people are going to hound you about how you should get married and crank out kids. It could come from your family, coworkers, neighbors, clergy, congregants at your religious institution, strangers in the supermarket, whomever. (If you're Mormon or an Evangelical Christian, lookout! And if you ARE Mormon, you're probably better off getting out of that whole thing entirely, but that's not my focus right now.)

If you're in a supposedly exclusive relationship, and you shouldn't be, they will be pressuring you to marry her (and of course she'll be doing that herself). If you're living together they will ramp it up. (Hit the eject button if you're living together!) If you're not in a relationship, they will try to fix you up.

But you should stay a free man.

If you're a free man, and you show no sign of getting married or even having an exclusive relationship, people might say crap about you, questioning your sexual orientation or maturity or responsibility or whatever else. They might call you selfish. Don't let that get to you. Enduring all of that is a small price to pay for being free.

I've given practical advice for avoiding relationships before, but that was mostly about dealing with would-be matchmakers, and I wanted to give some more useful advice in dealing with people who try to meddle in your life.

You probably have a very good set of reasons why you want to stay free. And it IS your default status; you weren't born with a wife or children and you have to DO something to get those people.  But you don't want to waste your time arguing or offending someone. So here's what you do...

At Work - You should refuse to discuss personal matters at work, let alone date a coworker or someone a coworker tries to set you up with. NO NO NO!!! Simply refuse to talk about any personal matters whatsoever. Establish that as your policy. Ignore attempts to get you to talk about personal matters, or, better yet, redirect the conversation. "Excuse me, I'm here to work." "When will those reports be ready?" "Here's what you requested. Is there anything else?" Come up with sentences like that to use based on how you know things are at work.

Your Family -  Many people get more pressure from family members than from anywhere else. You might risk losing your inheritance. And if your parents are going to be that way, well, you're better off not counting on an inheritance, assuming they even have much of an estate in the first place. If they bring up the ol' "When are you going to settle down?" you can get up and leave, you can end the call or texting conversation. Or you can say, "I am settled down." Or you can say, "When I find the home in which I want to die." "I like my life the way it is." is a good one to use. If they try the "Don't you want someone to take care of you?" Simply say "No." It's a short word and it can end things. If they insist on pursuing the topic, you can turn it around on them and start talking about all of the problems they have as a result of having a partner/spouse and/or children. But if you can, cut things off and redirect, or leave.

Your Friends - You're going to lose friends as some marry and their wives keep them busy and on a leash. Your buddy's wife especially won't want your existence reminding him of what his life could be (or used to be) as a free man. Heck, you might not want to hang out with him anymore if he becomes incapable of talking about anything other than his wife and kids.

Your married buddies might encourage you to marry, because they think that'll make it easier to get together, or because misery loves company. Don't fall for it. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you get married, you'll keep your friends who are married or marrying. There's no guarantee that if you married you'd still be friends. Your wives might fight. Your wives might keep each of you busy.

If your married buddy does start in on how you should get married, you can deflect it with something like "If you're happy, I'm happy for you. It's just not for me, and marriage is the kind of thing in which both people have to be enthusiastically all-in, right?" Avoid discussing the issue with or in front of his wife. All it is going to do is give her ammunition she'll use to tell your buddy you're a bad influence.

Beware of thinly disguised blind dates. Your friend and his wife might want to meet up somewhere, and when you get there, what a coincidence, your buddy's wife's friend or sister just happens to be along. If you really don't want to endure that, you're within your rights to feign getting an urgent message on your phone, or not feeling well, and leaving. If you do stay, your buddy and his wife might try to prompt you to talk about yourself, but reveal as little as possible, and instead pivot the topic right back to them, or, if you're willing, on the woman with whom they're trying to fix you up.

There's a good chance your buddy will, sooner or later, be divorced. So keep that in mind and don't burn bridges.

Find friends among like-minded men, so that them getting ensnared in marriage is less likely. There are various forums for free men (MGTOW and otherwise).

Your Neighbors - This depends on what kind of relationship you have with your neighbors. However, if you're close with some neighbors, watch out for them trying to fix you up with someone. They might do something like throw a party and, what a coincidence, they'll introduce you to some woman they know who hears her clock ticking or has bills to pay. They might even try to pair you up with a party game. See the "blind date" advice above.

If you're not particularly close with your neighbors, it should be easy to redirect any of their questions back onto them.

Your Service Providers - This could be anyone from your doctor, accountant, dry cleaner... anyone. They work for you. You can take your business elsewhere. So it should be easier to shut things down any time one of them tells you that you should "find a nice girl" or "settle down". Redirect the conversation to the business topic at hand. They should get the hint.

Your Pastor or Bible Study Leader - I can't speak to every religion. Some religions treat free men as though they're some sort of threat to the flock. Or they try to rope you in to doing things for those poor "single mothers" in the congregation. "I don't feel called to marriage" might work, depending on the place you're attending. If you attend a Bible-as-the-top-authority church, you can make a point by asking for the passages that name Jesus' wife or those of the apostles and disciples. Surely, if getting married was necessary, the Bible would provide all of those. See here for more about this.

Stay Free!!!

Most men these days should be free men. So if you are a free man, good for you and I hope this will help you stay free. Women will try to get their hooks into you. They might try to "bait and switch" you or use "loss leaders"... behaving a certain way, making certain promises, saying the "right" things, until you've signed on the dotted line or they have your child. Don't let that happen to you. In social terms, she is depreciating in social value while demand is increasing for you. So don't enter into a bad deal.

Keep in mind all of things you get to do that you wouldn't if you were married, especially with kids, and had to do things the wife "needed" or wanted you to do. Remember that doing just about anything is less expensive and less of a hassle, from eating at restaurants to traveling to buying groceries, because you're a free man.

People who want you to give up your freedom will try to make it seem like marriage is blissful and helpful, so it's good to have good stories about the free life handy to remember or even counter with; it also helps to remember whatever troubles they've had with their spouse or children that they might not be thinking of at the moment. Usually, you won't have to actually bring those up, but they're good to remember when they're doing their sales pitch.

Remember: at work or with coworkers, play the professionalism card. "I don't mix business with pleasure." "I'm here to work."

In the other areas of your life, it should  be enough to say "I like my life the way it is. I'm happy." and repeat that as often as necessary. A couple of other good sentences are "I can't give a wife everything a wife should have."

Learn to say "No", and "I'm not going to discuss this" and "That's none of your business" and "That's private."

It's your body. It's your money. It's your time. It's your home. It's your life. Keep it that way!

Do you have any tips to add? Any good phrases? You can comment, including anonymously, below.

What Is the Marriage Strike?

 
The Marriage Strike is refusing to legally marry (or, refusing to legally marry again), and usually it also involves refusing to socially marry. More and more men are refusing to marry. That is a fact.

Why join the marriage strike?

There are many reasons, not all of which need to apply to you:

• You don't want to marry.
  
• Marriage is a bad deal for most men.
• Marriage is a bad state contract.
• Marriage brings the government further into your life. 
• Most marriages fail.
  
• Current marriage culture is misandrist. 
• Most marriage counseling, therapy, and popular advice is misandrist or otherwise terrible.  
• Men are punished for being husbands.
  
• A lack of wife material women.
• A lack of accountability for wives.
• Marriage doesn't help you reach your goals.
• Marriage brings guaranteed limitations, obligations, and risks with no guaranteed benefits you can't get without marrying.
  
• You prefer to retain power over your life. 
• You prefer to live alone.
  
• You prefer to stay free.
• You can't be sure the woman you'd marry isn't being trafficked into marriage. 
• If you're a Bible-following Christian, you can't be sure you wouldn't be unequally yoked if you married.
  
• And many more!
  

Weddings Are Highly Visible But Marriage Isn't A Wedding

Weddings are highly visible. They are often prominent in both fictional media and "reality" media, including news and gossip outlets. They are announced all over, there are save the date notices, formal invites, and thank-yous. There are wedding registries. There are special dresses. There are entire websites/shops dedicated to weddings. There are wedding rings. There are bridal showers, wedding showers, bachelor parties, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinners, receptions, anniversary celebrations, elaborate proposals, engagement announcements, engagement rings, wedding photographers, wedding planners, cakes and cake tasting, flowers, on and on it goes.

If the people getting married are happy through those things, that's fortunate.

But marriage isn't a wedding.

Here are some of the things about marriage and its aftermath that are hidden or far less visible:

• One spouse having to pick up after another
• The spouse who has/earns more money having to pay for bills generated by the other, especially for things the paying spouse didn't want or couldn't enjoy
• One spouse feeling stifled by the other
• Abandoned dreams
• Alienation from family of origin
• Alienation from friends
  
• Arguments, disputes, conflicts
  
• Cruel words
• Mood swings
  
• Loneliness
• Disappointment 
• One spouse not being able to sleep or relax because of the other
  
• Walking on eggshells
  
• Nagging
• Frustration
• Disrespect
  
• Irritation and annoyance
• Emotional rejection
  
• Sexual rejection
• Boredom and monotony
  
• Affairs
  
• Marriage counseling
• Indifference
  
• Contempt
  
• Visits by law enforcement due to reports of possible domestic violence
• Actual domestic violence
  
• One spouse murdering the other
• One spouse subjecting the other to their substance abuse
• Abandonment
• Physical separation
• Legal separation
• Consulting divorce lawyers
• Paying divorce lawyers
• Court battles over divorce
• Dividing assets
• Ongoing payments, such as alimony
  

What if those things were as visible as weddings? What if people were to tell you and put on their social media "We're going through a really crappy time in our marriage right now" whenever that was the case? Do you think there might be fewer weddings?

There are many people who have an interest, especially a financial interest, in other people getting married. People have been selling marriage. They emphasize the good and keep the bad quiet. Talking about the bad is "tacky" or a "sin" or a "betrayal" or a "negative confession."

But what if reality wasn't hushed up so much?

Most Men Shouldn’t Marry Nor Have Children

Most men shouldn’t marry nor have children, so most boys should not be raised with the assumption that they will or should marry, and they definitely shouldn’t be raised with the assumption that they will have a lasting, happy marriage.

I realize there are religions out there that pretty much mandate people marry and try to have children. I can’t argue with every different religious organization that claims to have authority over your life. What I do know is that the Bible, taken as a whole and rightly divided, does not mandate you marry and have children. Don’t tell me contraception, tubal ligations, hysterectomies, and vasectomies are wrong because they are are unnatural, as you accept artificial medical treatments, live in a home that has been constructed, and drink water and eat food that has been processed in some way.

Most men shouldn’t marry or have children because 1) they aren’t suited to it, 2) aren’t positioned to do it, 3) aren’t living in a culture that supports it, and 4) won’t find a suitable woman with whom they could.

An Unmarried Individual May Not Be Happier Married

 

There are marriage-selling sociologists and their marks who post graphs that depict married parents as happier than “unmarried,” childfree people.

I’m a married parent. I’d love to tell you that if YOU marry and have children, you’ll be happier.

But there’s no solid evidence of that. It might make you miserable.

The graphs rely on statistical trickery and for marks to not understand that apparent correlation isn’t proof of directional causation.

Who is counted as “unmarried” in those graphs?

• Divorced people, whose unhappiness could be primarily due to their marriage
• People who are too sickly, ugly, poor, or unpleasant to attract a spouse - how happy do you think they are?
• Generally unhappy people, whose unhappiness makes it more difficult to attract or keep a spouse 
• Desperate people who think they’re losers, sinners, failures, or doomed (perhaps taught so by their clergy or cult leaders) for not marrying/multiplying 
• People who are partnered and living like they are married, but haven’t legally married; a state license isn’t going to make them any happier 
• Intentionally never-married, childfree people

The people in that last group could be, as a group, much happier than married people. Marriage sellers NEVER separate them out in the statistics, though.

Another trick common to graphs is to shorten an axis to make disparities look larger than they are. For example, if the data goes from 0 to 100, only showing 40 to 60 on a graph can make differences seem larger than they are.

In the case of the specific graphs we’re talking about, time frame can also matter. If the ages included only go from, say, 25 to 35, that’s definitely not the whole picture.

There are never-married, childfree people who are very happy.

There are also married parents who are miserable. Some even murder their spouse and/or children or are murdered by their spouse or child. That’s extreme, but there are many other things, like abuse, that can be involved without it getting to the point of murder. If you are living free, you can easily leave abusive people.

Don’t be fooled by graphs that rendered and presented in misleading ways.

Consider embracing freedom and making the most of it.

It’s OK To Be Free

Marriage sellers and people who simply haven’t thought through marriage being an actual choice often start with a presumed default that marrying is the normal thing to do, and that everyone, or at least most people, should plan on marrying and seek to do it.

But it’s not the default.

Marriage doesn’t just happen.

Our default state is being free. To marry, we at least have to agree to enter into marriage. Usually, especially for men, it involves much more than that.

Simply don’t do those things - don’t agree to marry - and you won’t marry. (Note that in some places, you’re considered legally married in at least some aspects if you live together long enough - avoid that!)

Stop accepting marriage as a default, a goal, or as inevitable.

Instead, embrace being free. Plan life and set goals with the mindset of being and staying free.

Most people who sell or accept marriage as the goal for all start with thinking marriage is a given. “Of course I did. My parents were married,” they might say. Yet they still expect someone who had unmarried parents to seek to marry. Or, if their parents weren’t married, they might think the problems they have were caused by their parents not being married. But that might not be true.

When people reorient their thinking away from “Who should I marry?” to, “Why marry?”, they’re much more likely to stay free.

Do that. Teach yourself and others to ask, “Why marry?” For most men, there’s nothing good they get from legally marrying that they can’t for less cost, risk, and hassle otherwise.

Embrace and share the fact that it’s OK to stay free.

When you reorient your thinking to plan to live free and to permit yourself to be happy as a free man, it’s more likely you will be happy.

Reject the notion that you’re somehow a loser, failure, sinner, or doomed simply because you’re free. You’re not.

We often hear unmarried people are unhappy. But that’s including people who want to be married or think they’re supposed to be married. It also includes people who aren’t married BECAUSE they are miserable people to be around. Almost always, divorced people are counted as “unmarried” and their unhappiness could be the result of having married and/or having divorced; if they had never married, they might be happier. There are very happy free men, and you can be one of them. Maybe you already are!

It’s OK to be free. And when you evaluate your life and live truly embracing that, you can be so much better off, so much happier.

Why People Want You To Marry

Men are told to get married.

If it weren't for the constant drumbeat of marriage sellers, there would be even more men joining the marriage strike than have already.

Boys are sold marriage from the earliest ages. It's in the media we consume from the earliest ages.

Why? Why do people want you to get married?

There are many reasons.

Some might have bought into the flawed claims that men are better off if they marry. That's almost never the real reason someone will urge you marry. Let's consider some of the reasons.

Valentine's Day Aftermath

Are you an unmarried guy who just spent a lot of money and effort on Valentine's Day, only to get what you used to get all of the time? Or did you get less than that?

Did you even propose marriage and give her a ring?

If you're not married, and you just made a big deal about Valentine's Day, and especially if you proposed marriage, you need to step back and think about what you've done and you are doing. Are you regretful? Are you doubting? Are you asking yourself "Why did I do that?" If not, you probably should be.

Most men shouldn't be in exclusive relationships, and certainly not marriage!

Most unmarried men, if they play their cards right, can get everything they want without spending a lot of money and energy on Valentine's Day, birthdays, holidays, or anniversaries.

If there is a woman who is planning to marry you this June, or any other time this year, you probably need to put the brakes on the relationship, especially if there are any red flags. If you're shacking up and/or if she has kids, plan your escape!

You don't need to be married. And there's a good chance that, deep down, you don't really want to be.

So, get out. And learn to be scarce so that you won't get trapped into wasting money, effort, and time on things like Valentine's Day or meeting a woman's family or friends for holidays.

Be a Free Man.

You Don't Need a Wife

Guys, you don't need a wife.

You might think you do for any number or combination of reasons (you can skip these reasons and go down to how you can have a great life without a wife if you'd like):

1) You're stuck in some mindset that's based on a bygone (if it ever really existed) era. In this mindset, "everyone" gets married, it's shameful or sad if you don't, and husband and wife work as a team with a tidy division of labor, with the wife providing her husband with admiration, respect, support, sex, children, and a "made" home, and the husband providing for the wife income and certain domestic labor, protection, and muscle in raising the children.* You grow old together. Very few marriages are like this anymore. Most women are not prepared to be that kind of wife, and guys don't need to marry to get what they want. The culture in general has changed, more and more people are living more and more of their life outside of marriage, and there's a good chance she'll divorce you no matter what you do.

2) You were socialized to think you did. Whether it was and is your parents, your peers, a religious organization in which you were raised, or the media (especially with the highly unrealistic romcoms), you were told by others that you're supposed to have a wife. But this is your decision to make,  and you are the one who will live with the consequences.

3) You don't have your act together and you think a wife will make up for your shortcomings. Even if she seems to like taking care of things for you now, there's hardly any woman who really, sincerely, wants to be your Mommy and the resentment and backlash will wreak havoc sometime after you sign on that dotted line. You can get your act together and take care of your stuff without being married. See How To Do It below.

4) A woman you're having sex with wants you to marry her. Whether she's your "girlfriend" or "significant other" or "partner" or whatever, she indicates she wants to get married. Of course she does! Getting married has guaranteed benefits for her. But it's a bad deal for you. Don't let her decide what your life is going to be like. If you're just seeing her, the only thing she controls is whether or not she's going to have sex with you. If she moves in, she controls much more of your life, and if you marry her, she'll be almost entirely in control of your life. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN, not even by stealth. Once she does, she'll be hinting, suggesting, or outright nagging about getting married, trying to tell you that you might as well get married, or getting married will make things netter. She shouldn't even know where your place is, but if you have her over she should never be allowed to spend the night, receive mail or shipments there, leave things there, etc.

5) A woman you're spending a lot of time with wants you to marry her. See immediately above. You can find friendship and companionship with others, without signing a legal contract that is nothing but trouble for you.

6) You think you need a wife for sex. You can get all the sex you want without being married. Being married actually makes it less likely you'll get all of the sex you want. UNLESS... you live by a moral code that sex is for marriage. And if that's the case, you're not having sex already, right? Right? If you want to START living by that moral code, any woman you're having sex with now isn't the right woman to do that with. If you already are living by that code, think long and hard if wanting sex is worth getting married, keeping in mind that the sex could be bad and could be ended entirely, even if you do "everything" right.

7) You think you need a wife for children. Studies do correlate positive indicators for children with being raised by married parents. As with sex, though, you need to decide if your desire to raise children under the best circumstances for them is worth getting married.

When it comes right down to it, most men can't give a logical,  positive reason why they think they should get married.

So don't do it. Stay unmarried.

How To Do It

What's a Single Mother To Do?

Anonymous left a comment on this blog's most popular entry, which has hundreds of comments, so I wanted to call attention to hers.

I had my son with my now ex fiancé.

There was the first mistake. Conceiving before being in a stable, healthy, happy marriage.

We ended up breaking things off because he completely lied about who he was and it became a toxic environment.

Well, at least you didn't make more kids with him.

now I am a single mother who is currently picking up the pieces and doing what I can to give my son the best life possible regarding the circumstances.

It would be great if that included living with, or very close to, your nice, loving, married parents.

Despite how things ended, his father is still actively involved and we even hangout as a family periodically. 

If he's not abusive, I guess that's better than nothing.

My question is...if I choose not to get back with his father because of the boundaries that have been crossed..now what? Don’t date until ny son is 18 years old? Date a guy who is also a single father? Forever be alone? 

Good question.

1) Get your tubes "tied". Tubal ligation. Or, depending on your health history and your family health history, consider getting your ovaries and/or uterus removed. We don't need more children brought into this situation. Your son certainly doesn't need it.

2) Be there for your son. He needs parental attention. He doesn't have an intact home.

3) When your son is with his father, or grandparents, or aunts/uncles, you can date. Your son should never meet your new lover(s) until your son is 18, grown, moving out on his own. Even though people like me warn men to never date women with minor children, you can find plenty of dates anyway.

4) After your son is grown and out, you can date, be in relationships, shack up, marry, whatever. If you DO shack up or marry, be sure you get a prenup (marry) or cohabitation agreement (shackup) so that your son will be protected.

If you don't find this ideal, well, that's because your situation is not ideal. My advice is for your son's best interests out of the remaining possibilities.

Go To The Doctor

People trying to sell you on marriage, at a loss to point to a good reason for a man to marry, say that husbands benefit from having a wife nag them to go to the doctor.*

Think about that.

You're paying over half of your salary and giving up your time and freedom and control over your life to ...have someone nag you to go to the doctor.

But here I am, telling you to do it, and I'm doing it for free. That's what other people should do. They should cut out the "middlewoman" and tell you to go to the doctor, not to get married.

Go to the doctor. Now you don't need to get married or even shack up with a woman or even be in a relationship.

Seriously. Find doctors you like.  Make appointments. Set reminders. Go. Be honest with them. Ask questions. Take ownership of your health. Do these things, and you'll be better off than the average married man.

Find doctors you like. You should have an Internist or Primary Care Physician, a Dentist, an Ophthalmologist, and, if you have specific problems, a Psychiatrist, Cardiologist, Urologist (get a vasectomy!), Dermatologist, etc. If you don't have one, try looking around your area for someone who takes your insurance. You need good doctors you can trust. (If you don't have insurance for some reason, see if you can be practice for medical students.)

Make appointments. Just do it. You can always move them if you need to. Ask your doctors' offices how often you should have appointments.

Set reminders. A good doctor's office will send you reminders, but put your appointment in a calendar you actually use, such as in your smart phone, and set reminders.

Go. Keep your appointments.

Be Honest With Your Doctors. There's no point in lying to them. Be completely, thoroughly, brutally honest with them, even if you feel embarrassed or like a failure. They're there to help you. Tell them what you're feeling and experiencing. Tell them what you do. If you're eating a lot of junk, fornicating with skanky women, and abusing substances, having problems with memory, seeing, hearing, erections, urinating or bowel movements, tell them! If there's something that seems off with the twig and berries, say so!

Ask Questions. Ask your doctor questions. Ask about your symptoms. Ask about their recommendations. If you don't understand something, ASK... no matter how stupid you might feel.  If you come up with questions between visits, record them however is best for you so that you'll actually have them handy to ask. Many doctors allow questions through a website, app, or email.

Take Ownership of Your Health. We're all getting older. We can't act like we're not. We can't eat like we used to. We need to be responsible. You already know overeating and substance abuse and sitting around all day every day are bad things. You know sex with someone who hasn't been recently tested and cleared, especially without condoms, is risky. Your doctors might order certain tests for you, like blood tests, urine tests, fecal tests, and stress tests. Don't avoid those! And if you're sexually active, you can easily get tested for diseases and infections that can be sexually transmitted.

If you're prescribed medications, research them to see what they might have as side effects and what the possible alternatives are. Pay attention to how you react to a medication.

Pay attention to what you're eating. The American diet is full of junk. Artificial sweeteners and fat substitutes, a ton of sugar everywhere, loads of sodium, and processed fat. By all means, if there is something you really like, a few bites of it is fine. Don't feel like you need to clean off your plate, though. It's fine to save something for later or even let it go to waste. We all need some fat, sodium, and even sugar in our diet, but most of us can cut way back. If you prepare your own meals at home, it is so much easier to eat right. You can use spices, especially cinnamon, and agave to make things tasty. I like soda ("pop" to some of you). I like the tastes, I like the carbonation, and I like the caffeine. But most of the stuff out there, even diet, is awful for us. But there are lines of carbonated "flavored waters" and there are concentrated "caffeine squirters" as well. Right now I get Kirkland canned carbonated flavored water. I forget what it's actually called, but they have grapefruit, lime, and lemon juice ones. There's very little juice in them. But I can add my own flavoring and caffeine. For most people, natural fats, including on meats, isn't bad. It's not what makes you fat. What makes you fat is eating too much while moving too little, including all the sugars.

Learn to cook. Take classes if you need to. It's never been easier. There's a ton of recipes and other information you can find online for free. You don't need to Food Channel stuff. With a blender, a crock pot, and a skillet, you can have enough variety to never be bored. There are meal kit services, and you can have groceries, even just fruits and vegetables, delivered.

Move more. Whether it's exercising at home or a gym or getting a personal trainer, or going for walks, or going for swims, or bicycling, moving more and keeping active is important. If you're a man, and one who looks like he can handle himself, it's very easy to get more exercise in by doing things like NOT looking for a closest parking spot. Go park in the far corner. You don't really need expensive gym memberships or personal trainers. You can find ways to move more. Even if it's just using a treadmill or stationary bike as you watch your movies or shows, you can move more.

You don't need a woman around to nag you about these things. You can take care of yourself.


*While some of the reason married men AS A GROUP are healthier than "unmarried" men is nagging, some of it is also selection, meaning women are more likely to marry healthy men than sickly men. And they're more likely to marry wealthy men than poor men, and of course wealthy men can get better health care and personal trainers and the like. Also, men who died too young to marry skew statistics. Personally, I was healthier unmarried and I'm confident I'd be healthier than I am now had I never married.

What Do I Mean By Free Men?

I like using the term "Free Men."

What do I mean by that?

For the purposes of this blog and related communications, Free Men are men who are free of legal and financial entanglements with women.

Ideally, they are also free of social bondage to women and do not have any dependent children, especially not children over which a woman has any parental rights. 

A Free Man is, at the very least:

• Unmarried
  
  
• Residing independently from women
  
  
• Without legal or financial obligations with women, such as a cosign for a loan or account, co-ownership of property or anything else of significant value, a mortgage or rental agreement, paying child support, paying alimony or palimony. A woman should not have access to your home or finances; she should not be on a lease or rental agreement with you and should have no ownership rights over any home you own. You should never impregnate a woman or donate sperm or in any way look after or pay for her child (such as with a single mother who wants to be your "friend" or girlfriend.)
  
  
• Unrestrained by any agreement to exclusivity with a woman

Usually, he's also going to be childfree.

Daily Wire and Dennis Prager Panic Over Marriage Strike

 

The Daily Wire folks like Ben Shapiro, Matt Walsh, and Dennis Prager have been freaking out, the last day or so even more, because more and more men have realized that signing a terrible state contract and being reduced to nothing more than an ATM and lackey is not for them.

It’s a little late, fellas.

Dennis continues to be pathological on the subject. It’s truly stunning.

The state contract is atrocious.

Most marriages fail.

Most men can have a great life staying free.

There’s no benefit in marrying a man can’t get for less cost and risk other ways.

And more and more men are figuring this out.

Don’t like it? Change the family laws and courts, for starters. There’s a lot more too it, though. 

Life has changed. We are adapting.

Guys, do check out the “Free Men” and “Marriage Strike” tags attached to this post.

Good News and Bad News About the Marriage Strike

The bad news first: Many men are still signing that terrible state marriage contract.

The good news is a record number of 40 year-old Americans are never-married. And keep in mind, that's with people being able to marry someone of the same sex since June 2015 nationwide (and before that in some states). That has to mean that the rate of men and women marrying each other is even lower than needed to be a record.

There are people who think this is a bad thing. But I think it's great if men stay free.

I realize many of these never married people are still shacking up, which I think it almost as bad as marrying. I also realize many of them are still having children. I don't think men should have children unless they really, really want to and can rationally explain why they want to in a way that isn't selfish, and they will most likely provide the children with a healthy, stable home.

But many of these never-marrieds aren't shacking up and aren't having "oopsie" children, and that's great.

Men shouldn't be subjecting themselves to terrible state contracts, becoming beaten dogs for some woman, nor burdening a woman.

Men who make it to 40 as bachelors are far less likely to see a need to marry. After all, they've made it that far without marriage. And, according to Dr. Laura, they've reached the age for which is is unfair to have children, or will by the time they are settled into a marriage. So even men who think they should be married to raise children will have no reason to marry.

As long as state marriage contracts and family courts are bad...
As long as our culture punishes men for being husbands...
As long as women aren't eager and prepared to actually be wives...
As long as men are denied their own spaces, institutions, and programs that haven't been feminized...

...marriage rates will be in decline.

The marriage strike is growing.