A Trap I Keep Avoiding

In person and over the phone, my mother-in-law has repeatedly changed her tone and reached out with what sounds like sincerity to solicit my confiding in her/father-in-law about difficulties with my wife.

Their daughter.

There are many reasons I avoid this trap.

In no particular order:

Didn't Chevy Chase Do a Movie Like This?

The vacation I was dreading has come and gone, and it could have been a lot worse.

But yes, it was a disaster. My wife said it was the worst week in her life, and that’s saying a lot.

So here I am, poorer, with a backlog of work, and strained relations with my in-laws.

A lack of sex is enough to make things horrible for me, and turn me into a cranky guy. The lack of alone time made it worse. Travelling and not getting enough sleep piled it on.

I was stressed out with work, house, and car stuff leading up to the vacation, and I knew the car problems were going to be waiting for me when I got back. Plus, I ended up having to do some work while on this "vacation".

Travelling was such a hassle.

My kids got sick. One of them vomited all over me and my seat on the first flight. My wife got sick. Her sister got sick. Her sister's husband got sick. Their kid got sick. I didn’t. We were sharing a suite, which means my family was in one room, her sister's family was in another room. Their parents and brother were in another suite.

There wasn't a lot of sleeping, at least not on the part of me or my wife.

I discovered that my sister-in-law is annoying. I have no doubt I was annoying to her, too, but I really have no idea how her husband, who is supposedly not a chubby chaser (she didn't want one), can get it up for her. I think she's crossed the line from obese to morbidly obese. Not a lot of morbidly obese women can snag a husband who earns as much as her husband. She should treat him very well. And that gets into what really is irritating about her. Someone being morbidly obese is not irritating to me. But I can't stand the way she talks to her husband, their kid, or my kids. She also makes assertions about things like politics, history, and religion that I know I can counter effectively and thoroughly, but rather than argue, I kept looking for the common ground to keep the peace. She never shuts up. She's always "sick" with something and only "happy" when she's miserable.

There aren't a lot of people who just generally irritate me, but perhaps part of the problem was that we were in the same suite. When at a normal family event, there is so much else going on and I can always move away from one area to the other, and it is only for a few hours anyway. Not so in this circumstance.

We spent a lot of time in our suite, driving, hitting chain stores and restaurants, and swimming in a pool. All of that I can do at home for a lot less money and less hassle. Sure, there was sightseeing, but I can see the same stuff online and get a better view.

The kids were unusually high maintenance and I got vomited on again while out and about.

At least mother-in-law did not embarrass us in a drunken episode out in public. Instead, she spent much of the week drunk in her suite as my father-in-law made trips to the market to keep her supplied. So much for this trip being for a family event.

My wife and I did get one moment to ourselves. We slipped out for dessert and a badly needed quickie in the back of the rental vehicle.

One evening, while getting ready for a dinner that everyone was going to, I refused a request by my wife (a request that most men would refuse) and my wife, who was having a bad time and was tense, yelled at me. I yelled back. Her sister yelled at me. I yelled back. Then it devolved into arguing about anything and everything. It wasn't good. It was in front of the kids.

It actually wasn't difficult for my wife to come up with an easy solution to the original problem.

My sister-in-law and I have not talked since, and that has been WONDERFUL as far as I am concerned. Unfortunately, it isn't going to be as fun for my wife.

Our flight back was an overnight. I don't sleep on flights, so this was a bad bookend to a horrible "vacation".

In general, the trip was a rotten thing to put the kids through. It was bad enough for the adults. Thankfully, my wife never wants to do anything like that again. We even skipped a family event that has already taken place since the trip.

But Wait, There's More!

Recently I blogged about how I was not feeling great about our upcoming vacation.

Well, things have gotten even better.

A few weeks ago, everyone was over at the in-laws' home for an event that involved my wife's family, my family, and my sister-in-law's in-laws.

As a sister of mine was leaving, my father-in-law essentially made a verbal pass at her, albeit one that might possibly be chalked up to being a clumsy, and thus inappropriate, compliment. That possibility would normally be slight, but considering the guy's history, the possibility evaporates. He doesn't get that benefit. When Tiger Woods was busted? My FIL got in trouble. When Arnold Schwarzenegger was busted? My FIL got in trouble.

My sister, a sweet woman but no paragon of virtue, was creeped out enough to have nightmares about it. She told me about the incident several days later. I told my wife as soon as the timing was right (meaning, the kids were asleep and I could hold her hand and talk with her calmly, face to face.

My wife was horrified.

She told her siblings.

It was decided by all that it was best not to tell my mother-in-law. She would not do anything positive or protective with the information, and would almost certainly use the information as an excuse to get drunk and go into a rage.

My brother-in-law said he'd talk with his father about it.

I figured... okay, that's over and done with. We even got together again with no big deal.

But then my wife decided to call her father (when she knew her mother would not be around) and chastise him. He apologized repeatedly with qualifications. Then he apologized without qualification. Apparently, he let the call change his mood, and later in the evening my mother-in-law noticed, asked him what was going on, and rather than going with some other, easily available explanation, my Ivy League-genius father-in-law confessed to her.

This is going to be very interesting, going on this trip with them. Will we even make it, considering we were planning on sharing rides to the airport? Will something happen on the flight? Will the timeshare unit be mildly chilly or a minefield?

Stay tuned! Provided I survive, I will tell you what happens.

Family Drama For Christmas

How was your Christmas? What are your plans for New Years or, if you're reading this later, what did you do?

Our Christmas was generally good, spent with most of our immediate family on both sides.

The current plan for New Year's Eve is to go over to the home of my in-laws, which is in the same city. We got that call inviting us over yesterday. This is significant because we still haven’t exchanged Christmas presents. The reason we haven't is the same reason we can't ever count on my in-laws to watch our kids.

Christmas morning, my wife woke up before the kids and before me, despite having been up late getting things ready and not getting enough sleep. The plan was to go over to the in-laws' house after the kids opened their presents to have brunch and exchange gifts with my wife's parents and siblings. However, one of her sisters called to let her know that the Christmas Eve dinner over there (which everyone knew we were going to miss because we were with my family of origin) didn't go well. So we invited everyone over to our place, at least those who were sober and not getting belligerent on the phone.

As the story goes, everyone except us was over at the in-law house for Christmas Eve dinner and family time. My married sister-in-law and her husband had called it a night and took their kid with them, as they could see the drinking was getting out of hand again. That left behind my wife's parents, the brother who lives there, and the brother and sister who are joined at the hip and live together about an hour or more away. These last two were planning on spending the night there.

MIL wanted to play table games. The visiting brother and sister agreed to play games (instead of calling it a night) on the condition that there be no further drinking that evening. FIL, MIL, and the resident BIL objected. The drunken BIL got nasty with his language towards his sister, nearly resulting in a fight between him and his brother. The visiting brother and sister left instead of spending the night and crashed at the home of the sister who had already left. My melodramatic, drunk in-laws reset the locks on the house to make sure those who had left could not get back in.

The next morning (Christmas), they were still drinking.

So we didn’t go over there.

I'm still coming to grips with this alcoholism dynamic. My dad would drink wine after work every night... no problem. My older sister had her wild phase, but clearly wasn't an addict. And unlike how it often gets portrayed in media, there can be long stretches where drinking isn't a problem during our visits. But clearly it IS a problem. Sometimes it ruins a normal night. Sometimes it ruins holidays and special events.

I made sure to thank my dad the other day for being a responsible drinker rather than a drunk. My mother rarely drinks.

You Signed Up For This

How's this for a Monster-in-Law? ALSO KNOWN AS ... wrote into Dear Abby:

My husband and I dated for eight years before we were married two years ago.

I'm always doubtful about such long relationships finally going into marriage. It often smacks of a desperate attempt to "redeem" a relationship that is not working, or displays a delusion that getting married will fix the lack of satisfaction.

He has a son from a previous relationship, and we have a 9-month-old son together.

How old is his son? If he is a minor, you shouldn't even have been dating your now-husband so seriously.

My problem is my mother-in-law.

Really? Did she suddenly pop into existence at the wedding?

More often than not, she calls me by my stepson's mother's name. Abby, that woman and my husband haven't been together for more than 12 years!

You indicated your acceptance to this by sticking around and marrying him.

Dear Abby responded:

Have you confronted her about it and told her how hurtful it is? If you haven't, you should.

Why? Either the MIL doesn't care, or can’t help it (dementia). Either way, confronting her won't help. I will cause even more tension. Actually, if she is doing it on purpose, the best thing to do is the smile and giggle. if she's trying to tick you off, this will rapidly cause her to stop.

Shady Siblings?

An anonymous American female in her 50s wrote at Dear Cupid:

I have a suspicion that my boyfriend is having an incestuous relationship with his sister.

Okay, well, stop seeing him. There's really not anything else to do. If he is, then you don't want to be with him. If he's not, then you're too suspicious for him. Or perhaps he’s too close (in a platonic way) with his sister. Be glad he's your boyfriend, not your husband.

Before I met her, she was always very jealous of me which I found very odd.

That can happen with any siblings.

We finally met and she actually lives with us temporarily.

"Us"? So you're shacking up with him? (It gets better... I've read ahead some.) Is this your place, his place, or are both of your names on the place? If it is your place, kick him out. If you are renting, move.

We went to dinner with my son and she sat between my boyfriend and me and they talked low to each other the whole night.

They were being rude. Manners are more important than morals?

Then when we got to my son's house from the restaurant my bf went to the bathroom. She ran in the house to the bathroom door banging on it for him to let her in. When he didn't she stood outside the door till I walked by then she left.

It is quite likely that she wanted to use the bathroom before he did, or she likes bothering him.

Later I heard them talking about sex.

Adults sometimes do this.

The next morning she went up to him and said in a low voice "I thought you were going to show me something" and he said he couldn't cause my son had to get up early and get in the bathroom.

If they're talking about having sex with each other, then they aren't doing a very good job of hiding it from you, could they? Don't you think they would?

Since she's been in my apt I've come home several times to the bed in my room messed up in the same way it would be had my bf had oral sex with me.

Is your boyfriend a complete idiot? He must be, if he is doing someone (sister or not) in your bed and not cleaning up. (Of course, later, she says they grew up highly religious and sheltered, so it is possible that the sister could have a "secret" relationship and could be using the writer’s bed either because it is bigger or just to be rude.)

Also I know she's been using my shower but she doesn't know I know.

So what?

They are 25 and 28.

Ah-HAAAA! Now, you can read past entries here and know that I have enjoyed being a younger man to an older woman. But really... she has these two 20-somethings, who are probably close in age to her son, living with her, and she's taking the relationship seriously with the guy?

I've been using a tape recorder but so far have nothing.

That could be illegal. She added later:

Ok for those who think I'm being too suspicious, I overheard her tell him she's still so tight down there because she's a virgin as if he knew first hand.

Well then we know they at least aren't having intercourse. This kind of talk may be strange, but it still isn't a smoking gun.

Is that something a sister would say to a brother?

Some. My wife's virgin ears used to be assaulted with her siblings talking about their sexual activities. Only not with each other. I think. See below.

And also I know from checking her things in her bathroom that she has been grooming herself and it looks like for the first time from the looks of things. Why would she do that?

Swimsuit?

He also made a joke one day that he liked young, hairy girls supposedly talking about the cat but I don't think he was talking about the cat.

Are you on meds? Should you be? He might also like Greek food, and didn't the Greeks have a story...Oeidipus Rex...about incest?

Also, every time I've suspected something happened, he's always wanted sex with me that night which tells me something during the day really turned him on.

Hmmm. Often, a guy who has had an orgasm earlier in the day will be less inclined to want sex later that same day. But then again, he is in his 20s. The writer also thinks it is a matter of the brother giving the sister oral sex and, apparently, not getting a release until later, with her.

She was abused by her dad growing up and her family life was horrible.

So there could be some messed up behavior as a result.

Well, there's no smoking gun, just a cumulative circumstantial case, but it doesn’t matter. The current situation isn't right for you, whatever it really is.

I could made a good case that two of my wife's siblings are doing it. I'll call them Robert and Alice.

A least one classmate gave Robert sexual favors as a going away present when the family moved to another region of the country. He was only 13, so he got started early. He ended up staying in that other region of the country when the family moved again so that he could complete high school and go to college in that area. This means that Robert didn't see the rest of the family much, including Alice (who is younger), during some crucial years. Siblings who mature apart from each other sometimes experience sexual attraction.

Robert and Alice have both messed around with the same girl.

Though he has sex with them, Robert keeps his women at a distance, and that seems to be fine with them for a while - they'll take what they can get before they or he moves on. Alice bounces from boyfriend to boyfriend rather quickly, and I’m fairly certain she is having sex with very few of them. Marriage doesn't appear to be in the near future for either of them.

After Robert moved back home, Robert, Alice, and my wife's other sibling moved out of the parental home together to share an apartment, then moved back in, and then Robert and Alice moved out together again. They have since moved together again to yet another rental. They have a history of "partying" together. I've noticed they will do horseplay with each other and share the hot tub. When the family is gathered for the day or the evening often with some friends, they will often go off together even though they can hang out together back at their place. It isn't because they are shy, either – they are very outgoing.

The other sibling refers to Alice as Robert's wife (to Alice's protests), and Alice does act very protective of Robert, even though he is older and can handle himself. For example, she'll badmouth his girlfriends if she thinks they have wronged Robert. On social networking sites, Robert has sometimes sent out updates referring to "we", inclusive of Alice.

So... in either case, what say you? Are the siblings in either case too close? Are they that close?

Your Baby Daddy's Momma

Dear Margo thinks things stop being sins as time passes. "Not Getting Through" wrote into Dear Margo:

I am currently engaged to a man I love everything about (well, most everything). However, his mother, who I refer to as "monster-in-law," tries to control everything.

She can only do that if he lets her. This is going to be reality for the rest of his life, unless he changes it.

My fiance and I have a baby together, and his mother stepped in, even before the baby was born, to tell me what I had to do.

Maybe she assumed if you were foolish enough to get knocked up out of wedlock and keep the baby instead of adopting out or getting married immediately, you needed the help. Are you really engaged, or does it just sound better to say you are because you have a kid with him?

For instance, she told me I was not to potty-train my child until she was 3 because she would not be ready until then.

So what? You're going to get all sorts of advice from lots of people.

She even resorted to calling our daughter a "mistake," saying she was born out of sin because we were not married.

Unless you planned to get pregnant out of wedlock, then yes, the pregnancy was a mistake, or rather the actions that caused it were a mistake.

We were both hurt by this.

The truth hurts. You know what hurts more? Children not having married parents.

You chose to raise a baby with and shack up with this guy, and you get his relationship with his mother as part of the package. Deal with it.

Margo responded:

For one thing, the potty-training age she has set is late, by some people’s lights, and the sin thing is way off the mark.

Now this is hilarious for Margo to write, since sin is "missing the mark". Yes, sex with someone who isn't your spouse is a sin according to the Bible. You're free not to believe it, but not to deny the Bible says what it does, because we can all check for ourselves.

A granny who thinks the kid is a bastard is so 18th century.

Circumstances change, but truth doesn't change. The child is not lesser. The parents are being lesser.

In-Law Drama, Past Partner, and Role Reversal

All three letters in this edition of Dear Abby were interesting to me.

I don't have this problem with my mother-in-law. Do any of you have this problem or one like it with any of your in-laws?

IN LOVE WITH THE OLDER VERSION wrote:

I'm 25 and have been married to "Bob" for five years.

Oops. You married too young.

The problem is, I'm in love with his 53-year-old father. I have always been attracted to "Charlie," but my feelings have escalated since Bob's mother died last year.

It is not entirely surprising that you'd be attracted to him, especially if his son gets his looks and mannerisms from him.

At one family get-together, Charlie kissed me passionately in the kitchen when no one was around.

I don't know what to do.

Never let Charlie do that again. Take steps to end this. You can. There's no other solution – not carrying our behind your husband's back, not leaving your husband for his father. Leaving the entire situation is an option, if there are no minor children. But if you're going to stick around, don't mention this to your husband. How about introducing Charlie to a hot, unmarried friend of yours? The guy is lonely.

Dear Abby agreed. Well, she didn't suggest that last part.

My mother-in-law is not unattractive, though the years of alcohol abuse haven't been kind. But all of her beauty is present in my wife (who is a lot younger) and then some, and my wife doesn't get drunk. Plus, father-in-law is alive and well and still married to my MIL. Above above else, I am a loyal husband. Now, in my wayward youth, there was an instance when I was interested in a girl, but she wasn’t interested in me. Her mother, however, was interested in me.

GIVEN UP SO MUCH ALREADY IN PENNSYLVANIA wrote:

Two years ago I placed my second child for adoption. I was a single mom with a 3-year-old boy to raise and the father was in the military for an extended mission.

That had to be awfully frightening for your boy. At least you didn’t have the child butchered. Good for you for choosing adoption over abortion.

I am still in contact with the father. We speak often, comfort each other and just talk. Some people -- mainly men I have dated -- find this relationship disturbing. It has caused two relationships to end.

Abby, am I wrong to continue a friendship with the father of a child I gave up for adoption?

At first I was going to say, "Not if you plan on marrying him," but since it is obvious he's not the father of the child you kept and doesn't plan to be, your boy doesn't need to see this. On the other hand, since you do have a three year-old, you should not be doing anything with these guys except having light friendships, meeting up when your child is being watched by family to give you a break here and there. You should not be seriously dating. Your child needs your attention and energy.

Now, if you didn't have a child and you were out dating but keeping in contact with this other guy, you'd have to ask yourself – would you like it if a guy you were dating was still keeping in touch with a past sex partner?

BREADWINNER IN NEW YORK, N.Y. wrote:

I have been living with my boyfriend for three years.

Ugh. Shacking up.

We have often talked about a future together, complete with a house, kids, etc. I am the breadwinner while he is working hard to achieve success as an artist.

Oh boy. Most women deliberately marry men who earn more than they do. And you odds of having a long, lasting marriage were diminished by the shacking up.

The role reversal suits us just fine except for one thing. I would like to become engaged, but I feel I can't expect him to propose when I know he has very little money. Abby, should I propose to him?

Are you going to be happy okay if he never "makes it" – financially supporting him for the rest of your life? If so, then great. Why not just let him know you'd like to get married – to him – and that you don't need him to buy an expensive ring? Or, let him know if there is an heirloom ring that would work. If he doesn't take that hint and propose, then he doesn’t want to marry you.

Would any of you want a situation like this?

Giving the Finger (Or Losing the Finger)

I've written before about my in-laws and their drinking. My MIL is great - when she is sober. My wife is very familiar with her mother's stages of drunkenness, so we almost always leave her presence before things get too bad.

Sometimes, after a family dinner and after we've left, my MIL will go into a drunken rage.

Recently, she and FIL got into it during one such instance.

A door was slammed.

Off came the tip of one of my MIL's fingers.

She ended up having the entire portion of the finger at the last knuckle surgically amputated.

Good times.

I wonder how long it will be before she asks again why we don't leave the kids there?

She Didn't Ask to Be Born

Distressed, Disowned and Dumbfounded Daughter in the Northeast wrote in to Dear Margo:

At the age of 40, I've been disowned by my father and his wife of 10 years.

That can happen. Especially with a new wife in the picture. Sometimes, the new wife makes everything better, but sometimes, she makes it a whole lot worse.

I ran a successful business, which I sold recently and made a lot of money.

Good for you! Congratulations. People like you make the world go 'round.

My father called to ask that I pay him a sum of money so that he and his wife can retire shortly - odd, being that he is a prominent attorney and well off.

Do you really know his finances? Maybe he appears to be well-off because he buys things he can't afford. If he buys them on credit, it makes it worse.

My father and his wife travel extensively, make extravagant purchases and are always adding on to their home.

That all takes a lot of money.

I was shocked to be asked for money and said no.

My father said that I am disowned, and I am hurt beyond belief. He said "I owe him" for a wonderful childhood, plus the best university money could buy.

You didn't ask to be born. It isn't just something teenagers say – it is the truth. He made a choice or several that led to your birth, and so providing for you during your childhood was his obligation. As far as the university, unless he indicated at the time that it was a loan, then you don't own him.

(Never mind that my father and my mother fought constantly.)

Your father is thinking materially, most likely – not of emotional quality.

Do I owe them for all those childhood expenses?

No. Now, I do believe we should honor our parents. But honoring them does not usually mean paying their bills, especially when they are capable adults. Buying lavish gifts for them would be a nice thing to do, as long as it doesn't enable bad decisions on their part.

Margo calls the request "nuts".

Since I was in elementary school, teachers and media directed at kids have been scaring the heck out of us telling us that our parents were going to live a long time in dependent states and we were going to have to pay a lot of money to take care of them. In some cases, that will be true. But that's not what is going on here.

I can relate to this woman. My in-laws are nice enough people. They insist on having everyone over for family dinners, and I'm sure a lot of that has to do with genuine love of family. But some of it has to do with the fact that they are underwater and, although heading towards retirement age, are going to be worse than broke. It was that way before the recent economic crash. And they are counting on their children to come to the rescue.

Now, here's the interesting thing. They have five children together. One is broke, unemployed, and living with them again. Two are currently out and on their own, but spend everything they make. The other two are married daughters – my wife and her sister. Neither daughter earns income. This means that my in-laws are counting on their two sons-in-law... one of whom is me. Thankfully, my wife says "no way" and my sister-in-law is one of those people who insists on being a miserable martyr and caretaker. So it looks like my wife's brother-in-law will be on the hook. I hope he doesn't divorce my sister-in-law (for other reasons too, of course).

My in-laws are not generally stupid people. They are simply careless when it comes to money. He's a highly intelligent ivy league-trained M.D. who retired early because malpractice insurance was making it a net loss when he went into work. Hey, not to worry – he went into real estate. And he can teach math, since he was a math major, and he's really good at photography and very sociable. So he should be able to make money. Mother-in-law is working a well-paying job. But any money they make, they spend right away.

They have a nice house in a middle class area of Orange County, California. It has four large bedrooms, a rec room, a pool with a hot tub, and it was bought outright for them as a gift. They have borrowed against the house as much as possible. They also got a seven figure inheritance. They spent it all quickly. They vacation a lot and drink like fish. They have a new big screen TV.

Meanwhile, my wife and I don’t travel a lot. We've never owned a big screen TV. We don't drink (well, I drink very rarely). My wife, like me, has been very good about money and worked hard for it, and lived within her means – it is one of the reasons I married her.

We're not going to rescue anyone. We have our own kids to raise and our own retirements for which to plan. That is the way it works. Parents give to children. In some cases, children take parents in, but that should be more out of convenience (someone to help with the kids) or because the parent needs physical help. But generally, everyone needs to plan for their own future.

Furthermore, in general, parents should not be covering the bills of their adult children, with the exception of some college expenses if it is an immediate continuation from high school, and, if everyone is being traditional, certain wedding expenses.

By the way, I don't count on getting a dime in inheritance from my mother, my father, or anyone else – not because I expect them to be destitute, but because I don't plan my life around what I hope other people do with their money.

What do you have to say about all of this?

Well, there you have it. A finances message. Who wants me to get back to writing about sex?

Alcoholism, Infidelity: Not My Problems, Except They Are

This blog entry is part of a short series dealing with my gripes. You can read the introduction here. I broke this topic into two parts, so this entry is part one. I wrote about the things I'm thankful for about my wife and our marriage in this entry.

Disclaimer: I actually generally like my in-laws and we get along very well. My wife claims they really like me (and I let her know that my family really likes her).

We can't trust most of my wife's family as babysitters. (We can trust my mother, one of my sisters, and my sister's husband, but we don't live close enough to them.) The one sibling of my wife's we have relied on before has a baby of her own to deal with now, and as our children get older we may not want to leave our kids with them anyway, as their worldview is so different than ours and they vocally deride much of our worldview.

The others are eliminated for general irresponsibility and substance abuse.

My mother-in-law's main excuse for drinking is that my father-in-law, the guy she chose to stick with despite California’s marriage and family laws being generous to divorcing wives with higher earning husbands, fooled around many years ago with some of their au pairs. Why they had au pairs when my mother-in-law was a stay-at-home mother, I don’t know. Possibly because she was so busy doting on her mother, which is one reason her husband fooled around on her, according to my wife. (Example: MIL married as a virgin, meaning that her experienced, previously-married husband agreed to they wouldn't have sex until they were married. My MIL was content to sit and talk with her mother into the night after the wedding reception – a sign of how the marriage would be.)

Or maybe she was already getting drunk. I don't know.

Of course, any excuse will do.

As a result of this substance abuse and infidelity in my wife's family, I get to suffer.

I have never been drunk in my life.

Neither has my wife.

In her case, it is because she's never touched alcohol. However, most of her siblings also have substance abuse problems - which is why they can't be babysitters.

It is also why I can't enjoy some wine at home.

My wife knew I drank occasionally before we even had our first date. She did not insist on a husband who doesn't drink.

My father regularly drank red wine in the evening, and I can't remember any ill results. Heck, it probably allowed him to stay with my mother as long as he did. My mother drank very rarely. She saw buying drinks as a waste of money. My paternal grandfather felt the same way.

With my family and personal medical history, I should probably be drinking red wine for the health effects.

My wife, however, insists that there won't be any alcoholic drinks in her home, because of what it did to her family while she was growing up. Maybe I just don't get her objection since it wasn't a problem in my family and didn't mar my childhood.

I point out to her that she stocks our kitchen with ice cream, candy bars, and various junk-sweets, even though I really should lose weight and much of my family has struggled with being overweight. She refuses to stop bringing that stuff home. She just expects me not to eat any of it - and, mostly I don't. I need to cut back on the ice cream, though. Yet she can't afford me the same freedom when it comes to wine, even though she has never personally had a drinking problem, whereas I have long had a problem keeping my weight under control.

She has told me that I'm free to drink wine when we are out at dinner or at a reception or whatever, and she can be the driver on those occasions. That would be too rare to have the desired health benefit, more expensive, and I have a much better driving record than she does anyway, so I prefer to drive.

Oh well... enough of this gripe.

We'll get to the good part - sex - in the next part; what I think will be the last part of this series for now.

In-Law Situation - What Is Your Take?

Someone (a wife and mother of more than one child) who shall remain anonymous left me this comment:

Let me get your opinion here: My husband's sister got knocked up and gave the baby up about 2.5 years ago. Six months later, she got married to a fellow (not the baby daddy) and is now pregnant again.

These in-laws would like to [move] to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time. I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

It's not like either one is close to graduation, we're taking years. My husband and I are thinking about having one more child ourselves.

...I'm not wrong here, am I? You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right? Or am I just being stingy and persnickety? I've been changing diapers for about 7 years straight now - I can barely muster up the love to wipe my own kids bums ... and I'm pretty sure I'll be expected to be cheap if not free labor. My time isn't valued. I feel whiny. Sorry...they haven't moved yet and probably can't afford to (unless they were to move in with us for a while), so it's all hypothetical.

What do you think?

I wrote back privately, but I'll share some of my thoughts here...

Ultimately I defer to how these things are settled in your family. I'll give you MY opinion though, even though my opinion should mean squat within the walls of your home.

These in-laws would like to my state to be close to my husband and I so that they can "utilize" me as daycare while they finish their degrees and work beyond full time.

This MIGHT be okay... IF... you had the time (reading your blog, I think you have enough on your plate) AND they would PAY you for it. So, essentially, it would be a home-based business.

I was very clear that I think a child should be raised by its parents. My husband, however, stepped in to say "we" (which is to say ME) would do whatever we could to help them out.

Sounds to me that he is putting his sister and his charitable feelings - as well as intentioned as they may be - over the needs of his family. "Leave and cleave". His wife and kids should take the higher priority.

Sure sometimes there are extenuating circumstances, but, I gave up college and worked around my husbands college and work when we had our first.

EXACTLY. You have made good choices and should be further burdened by the choices of others. Now, of course family helps each other out and in cases like this family babysits from time to time, but not regularly.

I'm not wrong here, am I?

No, you are not.

You put your wife and kids and their needs before others, even relatives, don't you? You encourage people to make the necessary sacrifices, you don't make it easy to abandon their kids, right?

Yes. Yes. Have I mentioned before that my MIL keeps pressuring my wife to leave our child with her overnight? Have I mentioned my wife has refused to cater to her mother's wishes, even to let her babysit for a few hours during the day, because MIL is an active alcoholic? MIL would stop bitching if my wife simply said, "okay!" But we just can't take the risk.

Tell your husband that you feel for them, but you need to put taking care of him and your children over making it easier for his sister. They have made their choices... and you two have made yours. Aren't there grandparents who could get involved? Childless relatives/friends who would like to have the fun of looking after kids without the ultimate responsibility?

The bottom line for your husband should be that you are his wife. You are the one in his bed. Tell him that you were hoping to have more time and energy to focus on practicing the art of lovemaking, and it will be difficult to do that if you have to take on this unecessary burden.

Family should step in when something unplanned happens... some sort of accident or illness or something that someone did not bring upon themselves. Your SIL's situation in entirely her own doing.

She wrote back, explaining that the other options (other relatives) I mentioned are a no-go and why.

You know how I feel about this. Any more advice???