Dear Abby Letter Writer Better Off as a Free Man

Men are told to communicate what they want, but when they do, they're ridiculed as controlling, arrogant, shallow, perverted, callous, and inflexible. [This was originally posted in January 2019 and still holds up.]

Check out this recent letter to Dear Abby from DATING IN 2019 and click through to read the comments:

Lately I have become perplexed at the vanity and immoral behavior now associated with the task of dating.

I wish the printed letter would have explained what he meant by those terms.

I'm a single man living by myself with no responsibilities but my own.

What a great life! Why screw that up with a woman? Anyway, if he's also gainfully employed, not in debt, and not short or hideous, then he should have his pick of women. The thing is, he's picky.

I am looking for someone who will fit into my lifestyle.

Well, pal, very few, if any, women will be like that, although some might pretend to be until they get the keys to your place, or your signature on the dotted line, or your child. They're going to want to change things about your life. And even if they don't want to, there are things about just about any woman that would disrupt your lifestyle. Critical information is left out: his age.

If you want "someone" who will fit into your lifestyle, get something. Get a doll.

First: I am not looking for a ready-made family.

You can imagine the shrill responses to that in the comments. You can also go check them out for yourself. But he's right. If he's going to consider a relationship, he should never let this one drop. Why should he accept the burden/interference of another man's children? He's not bringing another woman's children to the mix.

Second: I'm not in a position to analyze her last relationship, which left emotional baggage.

No guy really wants to hear about her past relationships, but her volunteering information can reveal so much about her. But if this guy doesn't want to listen to a woman rambling, he should avoid relationships.

Third: I am definitely not looking for someone who isn't business- or life-orientated.

If someone "has a life", they are even less likely to fit neatly into yours.

What I want to find is someone who doesn't have a long history of suitors or life issues that cause further relationship problems.

That's going to eliminate almost all women, but that's OK. You really don't need one. Again, the comments responding to this are something to behold.

How do I go about separating the disposables from the possibles?

They're all disposables. There are people objecting to that word, but I wonder how many of them have no problem with the term "starter husband"?

However, if you really, truly want someone who "fits into your lifestyle", then combing the dating sites/apps is one way, looking for available women in organizations/places/events/activities that indicate some basic share goals/values/interests, or using a professional matchmaker are possible ways of finding her, if she exists. Be clear about what you need and verify she's who she claims to be, if she seems to be a match. I do think it's most likely futile.

Dear Abby responded:

I find it interesting that nowhere in your letter have you given the impression that you are capable of compromise.

Remember guys: Relationships, especially marriage, require compromise and sacrifice. And you're not guaranteed anything in return,

I don't know where you are looking, but I suppose you could eliminate hundreds of candidates from your search simply by reading their resumes and swiping left. However, when you do that, you eliminate women who might make excellent life partners if given the chance.

Not really. If he's not interested in them they can't make an excellent life partner to him. Guys can grow on women. It is nearly impossible for it to work the other way.

Successful mature relationships require flexibility and empathy, and you appear to not understand that.

Someone can have empathy but not want to listen to how the father of her kids, the guy she let knock her up over and over again, is a deadbeat. Especially when he's paying for her time.

The guy is most likely better off avoiding relationships. Here's how to do it.