One Example of a Free Man

It didn't occur to me until the other day that a friend I've had for decades is an excellent example of a Free Man. [This entry has been bumped up, relevant as ever.]

I need to keep things vague to protect his privacy. If I described his work, you would almost certainly be familiar with at least some of it. He's helped create billions of dollars in value in his career.

I keep seeing assertions that men who adopt the marriage strike will end up lonely, sad, pathetic, etc. But my friend, let's call him Henry, is in his 70s now and he seems very happy. He's certainly admired.

He's never been married. As far as I know, he's never had a woman (or man) living with him since college and hasn't had an exclusive girlfriend since early adulthood. He has no children (or, if he does, they were adopted out and remain a secret). This isn't for a lack of potential suitors. There is no shortage of women (or men!) who'd marry him if they could.

Do I HAVE to Get Away?

It's my turn to plan a getaway for just the two of us - no kids.

And I have no desire to actually do it.

Didn't Chevy Chase Do a Movie Like This?

The vacation I was dreading has come and gone, and it could have been a lot worse.

But yes, it was a disaster. My wife said it was the worst week in her life, and that’s saying a lot.

So here I am, poorer, with a backlog of work, and strained relations with my in-laws.

A lack of sex is enough to make things horrible for me, and turn me into a cranky guy. The lack of alone time made it worse. Travelling and not getting enough sleep piled it on.

I was stressed out with work, house, and car stuff leading up to the vacation, and I knew the car problems were going to be waiting for me when I got back. Plus, I ended up having to do some work while on this "vacation".

Travelling was such a hassle.

My kids got sick. One of them vomited all over me and my seat on the first flight. My wife got sick. Her sister got sick. Her sister's husband got sick. Their kid got sick. I didn’t. We were sharing a suite, which means my family was in one room, her sister's family was in another room. Their parents and brother were in another suite.

There wasn't a lot of sleeping, at least not on the part of me or my wife.

I discovered that my sister-in-law is annoying. I have no doubt I was annoying to her, too, but I really have no idea how her husband, who is supposedly not a chubby chaser (she didn't want one), can get it up for her. I think she's crossed the line from obese to morbidly obese. Not a lot of morbidly obese women can snag a husband who earns as much as her husband. She should treat him very well. And that gets into what really is irritating about her. Someone being morbidly obese is not irritating to me. But I can't stand the way she talks to her husband, their kid, or my kids. She also makes assertions about things like politics, history, and religion that I know I can counter effectively and thoroughly, but rather than argue, I kept looking for the common ground to keep the peace. She never shuts up. She's always "sick" with something and only "happy" when she's miserable.

There aren't a lot of people who just generally irritate me, but perhaps part of the problem was that we were in the same suite. When at a normal family event, there is so much else going on and I can always move away from one area to the other, and it is only for a few hours anyway. Not so in this circumstance.

We spent a lot of time in our suite, driving, hitting chain stores and restaurants, and swimming in a pool. All of that I can do at home for a lot less money and less hassle. Sure, there was sightseeing, but I can see the same stuff online and get a better view.

The kids were unusually high maintenance and I got vomited on again while out and about.

At least mother-in-law did not embarrass us in a drunken episode out in public. Instead, she spent much of the week drunk in her suite as my father-in-law made trips to the market to keep her supplied. So much for this trip being for a family event.

My wife and I did get one moment to ourselves. We slipped out for dessert and a badly needed quickie in the back of the rental vehicle.

One evening, while getting ready for a dinner that everyone was going to, I refused a request by my wife (a request that most men would refuse) and my wife, who was having a bad time and was tense, yelled at me. I yelled back. Her sister yelled at me. I yelled back. Then it devolved into arguing about anything and everything. It wasn't good. It was in front of the kids.

It actually wasn't difficult for my wife to come up with an easy solution to the original problem.

My sister-in-law and I have not talked since, and that has been WONDERFUL as far as I am concerned. Unfortunately, it isn't going to be as fun for my wife.

Our flight back was an overnight. I don't sleep on flights, so this was a bad bookend to a horrible "vacation".

In general, the trip was a rotten thing to put the kids through. It was bad enough for the adults. Thankfully, my wife never wants to do anything like that again. We even skipped a family event that has already taken place since the trip.

I Still Don't Want to Go on Vacation

Last summer, I wrote this. It didn't happen.

Short of something dramatic, though, we are going on a vacation soon. I'm not looking forward to it. Is something wrong with me?

Here's my thought process.

On the plus side, we're going someplace to which I've never been, and it is a major tourism favorite. If you were to ask me to name the top five places I'd want to visit before I died, this would be one of them.

Now for all of the other stuff.

We're going as part of family thing for my wife's family. As such, our lodging arrangements are set. Due to these arrangements, the highly-touted "vacation sex" is out. I just don't know how it will be possible to get even a little bit of time with a little bit of privacy somewhere in order to even have a quickie. So, NO SEX for over a week. Granted, if we have sex before the trip and after the trip, it will almost be keeping our pace anyway, but at least at home I can masturbate every day that we don't have sex. (Wanna lecture me on how married men shouldn't be doing that? Have at it.)

This also means I'm not going to be getting any alone time to do other things, like reading or all of the other things I find easier to do when I don't have a bunch of noisy people hovering around me.

My routines will be disrupted. This almost always comes with the territory for any vacation, and I understand this should not keep people from taking vacations. Still, I'm a wee bit obsessive-compulsive and I'm a creature of habit, and most of the stuff I don't do while on vacation I will want to do when I get back, so that means I will have a backup of things to do.

Now, many of those things are voluntary, but work isn't. Work piles up. Most of my work will not be done by someone else while I'm on vacation. It will be waiting for me when I get back.

Then there are the costs. I'm currently the sole income earner for my family. We're not destitute, but we have my income flowing into our regular bills, our investments, and our giving. We don't keep much in our basic banking accounts, and I like having an emergency buffer. Tourists often get gouged, and the costs of this trip are depleting our buffer (we didn't have time to plan far enough in advance to budget for this trip).

There are also the usual hassles that come along with taking a vacation, and I've haven't flown since the groping started, so this is going to be an interesting experience. I almost never use public restrooms or those on airplanes, so a long day of traveling is fun. I can hold it just about all day (it’s a gift, or the logical result of paruresis), but as I get older, that's another discomfort.

Our kids are still at the ages during which we have to constantly watch them, especially where there's water around (such as a pool).

In summary, I'm not expecting this vacation to be relaxing for me, but just the opposite. There will be some nice views, but other than that, I will pretty much be doing what I would be doing at home – watching our kids, but it will be costing me a lot more than living at home.

So yes, there are some things wrong with me. But put aside the OCD and paruresis, which never stopped me from taking a vacation before I became a father, and is there something wrong with my thinking about the vacation? Is this normal?

Many Flags Waving in the Wind

It seems rather simple to me. “Stuck” wrote in to Dear Margo:

I've been dating a wonderful man for nine months. We enjoy a variety of activities and generally have a lot of fun together. However, as I approach my 31st birthday, I find myself thinking in terms of the big picture.

Tick-tock.

I've always thought I would like to have children, but I would prefer not to have them close to my 40s. Although my boyfriend has never specifically stated that he does or does not want children,

Strike one.

we have some differences - approaches to managing money, for one,

Strike two.

and I like to travel, while he does not.

Strike three! He's OUT! (Actually, here's a likely translation of this "Woman" into English: "I like men to pay for me to take vacations. He's not falling for it.")

To date, he has not been able to say the "L" word, and from what I understand, this may be a lingering effect of his past relationship.

It's only been nine months. That isn't too long for him to wait, though you’ve probably been having sex for what, eight months?

I'm not sure what to do.

Date other men. Only see this guy if you have nobody more compatible to see and nothing else to do.

I feel ready to start thinking about settling down and having children in the near future, but I have no idea whether my boyfriend will be at that point anytime soon.

Don't bet on it.

Should I "go with the flow" for now and enjoy what we have, or discuss my thoughts?

Go with the flow if you value sex with him more than you value getting married, having kids, and traveling. Although travelling will likely be reduced if you have kids, at least until they are older, because it is such a gigantic pain in the behind to travel with young kids.

Dear Margo responded:

Why don't you ask him what his thoughts are?

Waste of time. If he really wanted kids, he would have brought up the subject already. Don't give her hope that talking about it is really going to change him. At "best" he'll agree to whatever she wants because he likes her company and doesn't want to go through the trouble of finding another woman who will have sex with him (even though it really isn't much trouble at all). Then, she'll get pregnant and he'll make her life miserable or he'll leave.

She should find someone more compatible with her who is prepared to get married.

I Don't Want to Go On Vacation

We're going on vacation later this year. We're going to attend a wedding in another part of the country, so that got the ball rolling. Then my wife decided she wants to get together with some old friends and pen pals. But it couldn't be the same day as the wedding, which is on a Saturday, so she chose the following Saturday for the get-together. I just found that part out. I had been hoping for a trip that was going to be an extended weekend. Instead, it is going to be over a week.

Vacations are great when you work have the kind of job in which work doesn't accumulate. For example, if you’re a waiter, someone else is going to do the work while you’re gone. That's not how I make my money. For me, vacations mean either losing money or doing the same amount of work – just doing it before and after my vacation, in addition to all of the other work I would normally do. This stress can be countered by having a relaxing vacation.

I don't expect this vacation will be relaxing.

We've traveled a couple of times with one kid. One of the trips we consider a bad memory. Now we have two young kids.

Flying in general has gotten to be more of a hassle and more expensive ever since 9/11. Flying with young children is even more of a hassle. If I was flying some place for a week, I used to be able to pack all I needed into whatever I was carrying on with me. No chance of it getting lost. No waiting for it to be unloaded. That went out the window with getting married – add a couple of kids, and forget it!

I'm one of those people who do not want to be a burden or annoyance on others. So I really don't want to subject other passengers to my kids if they start screaming or getting restless, and I know kids can be bothered by airliner pressurization.

I wish we had the time to take a train. My family took a couple of long train trips when I was a kid, and I liked being able to walk on the train to stretch my legs and see the scenery. Having a private cabin avoids being an annoyance others.

Flying itself doesn't scare me, though someone near and dear to me was killed in an airplane crash. I get more concerned when we land and I realize I'm going to get into a rental car and drive unfamiliar roads, which is far more dangerous. We're doing that, too. Even "better" – the airport into which we'll be flying will mean having to drive for a couple hours to get to our destination. Gotta strap in those car seats – hopefully the airline won't lose them or delay them (that happened to us before).

Someone has to keep an eye on the house while we're gone, and we have to make arrangements for the dog. That's likely going to be another expense, and less than ideal for the dog.

So, will the kids really behave during the wedding? I have my doubts. Kids get bored silly at such things. It is not in their nature to sit there quietly for long periods of time while people they really don't know go through a formal ceremony. I'll remove them if they can't handle it. Maybe we should add to such ceremonies magic tricks, fire-breathing, and puppets that look like fruit singing annoying songs about sharing?

And then there's sex. I don't see how that's going to happen on this trip. I probably won't even be able to let off steam.

If I recall correctly, it was on the last flight I took with my wife before we had kids that we discovered how much she liked it when I let my fingers do the walking up her skirt right there in our seats. Some dude was sleeping on my other side (or doing a good job of faking it) and we had a blanket to conceal what was going on. From what I understand, this is not uncommon. My wife was turned on something fierce. She's one of those "good girls" who gets a thrill from being "bad" in ways like that. Ain't going to be able to do that this time.

I really don't want to go. Sending her alone or with one or both kids isn't an option. Beyond reading up on some tips to minimize the things I won't like about this trip, I'll need to just stop thinking about it so that I don't stew over something I can't change.

Any advice or tips on preparing for this trip?

Sometimes I read back through entries like this think I'm too uptight and enjoy being alone too much, and as a result I'm robbing my wife and kids. Presenting a happy, pleasant front is good. It is even better if it is genuine.

Other Ways the Airlines Can Make Money

United Airlines is going to start charging $25 for a second checked bag, and other airlines are likely to follow.

With that in mind, and with apologies to David Letterman, here are the top ten other new charges airlines will try:

10. $20 Each Time an Attractive Flight Attendant Brushes up Against You.

9. $50 To Not Be Seated Next to a Fatty, Kid 4 Years Old or Under, or Someone With Treatment-Resistant Tuberculosis

8. $50 For Not Showing “Alive” as the In-Flight Movie

7. $75 For Not Showing “Gigli” or “Battlefield Earth” As the In-Flight Movie

6. $15 Access to Seatback Slot Machine5.

5. $30 For sharing germs for Immune System Testing

4. $20 Bladder Endurance Testing

3. $35 Thrill Ride Turbulence Simulation

2. $100 Disasterless Flight Surcharge

1. $300 To Get Their Swarthy Actor to Put Away His Koran and Stop Chanting “Allahu Ackbar”